Domestic spat over food....
Options
jamezln
Posts: 182 Member
Has anyone argued with their spouse/partner over food? Earlier the wife wanted pizza and I told her I needed to cook chicken breasts and some steaks for the week.....work and such. She said, "okay, then i'll just eat chicken". I told her to get her a pizza if she wanted to, but don't make me feel bad or guilty because I didn't want any (i'm afraid of the grease). She goes on to say, "no, I don't need to eat it either and I need to eat better anyway". I personally do not care if she wants pizza. I may try it, but gees. I guess you just had to be here. It wasn't really an argument more like she was pouting. Either way, she finally decided to give in to her desire for pizza and ordered one lol. She doesn't have the same weight/health issues that I have had. It's odd though. I eat well and then suddenly feel like the bad guy. Sure she supports me and has been very supportive, but I think it's finally getting to her. Anyone else have this type of issue?
0
Replies
-
The changes we make have an impact on those closest to us. Your wife is used to sharing these things with you and I 'm sure she doesn't want to make you feel bad. We have had a few issues but I think I am just more sensitive since I started the 2 week liquid pre-op.0
-
I do most of the cooking in our house, so I have moved us all toward more healthy eating, but the rest of the family still eats a number of things that I choose not to join them in. what don't do is cook separately for them and me. If they get take out because of schedules, I will make do with leftovers or other stuff we have on hand.
Don't feel like the bad guy when you do what you need to do. It doesn't sound like your wife as too upset, just probably had a 'me' moment and then realized it may have hurt your feelings and tried to back out of it.
Give her a hug, steal a bite of her pizza when she's not looking and move forward with you healthy meal!
Rob0 -
I have been single for a number of years and have lived alone. My sister moved in with me for a few months shortly before my fast before surgery. She was ordering a lot of take-out,
(pizza and Chinese which are my two favorites). I was angry at her for doing this. I guess living alone for so long I found it upsetting and felt like she was trying to sabotage my efforts to lose weight. She did move out as the arrangement wasn't working out. I prefer to live alone and am glad to have my peace and serenity back.
Perhaps your wife was just missing the way the two of you could have a take out dinner from time to time. It's great that is so supportive of your efforts and your new lifestyle. Perhaps she was just missing the olden days when the two of you could share a special treat together. I can only imagine how having weight loss surgery must affect every member of the household.
Good on you for cooking your meat for the week and planning ahead.
Way to go James.
0 -
My husband Loves pizza....his reaction to pizza commercials drove me crazy in the early weeks of post-op.
He's been wanting to try the new soft pretzel crust pizza from little caesars but trying to support me and my efforts, he wouldn't get it.
We still had a gift card left from pre-surgery so 1 day coming home from a busy day, I told him to go pick 1 up (hot & ready, no waiting).
I was going to have a slice and ended up only taking a bite.
As soon as I swallowed it, my stomach started giving bad vibes...that was it for that!
Apparently right now it doesn't want to accept it so maybe Ill try again sometime down the road.0 -
jameszln I have these same issues all of the time with my husband. I tell him he should eat what he wants. He has been trying to eat like me and it is not working out for him. He is 5'7 and his presurgery (my surgery) weight was 145 he is now down to 139. He can't afford to lose anymore. So he will say something like I want to get a cheese steak. I say go ahead I can make me some chicken. Then he will say well don't you want some cheese steak and I will be like of course I want cheese steak but I don't think that would be the best thing for me. Then he will be like okay then I won't get anything. Sometimes it is exhausting. LOL0
-
It can be uncomfortable for the normal spouse when the chunky spouse starts to get healthy. They can't help comparing what you are doing to what they are not doing.
We don't have a food conflict issue in my house. We have, historically, had an exercise conflict issue in my house:
My husband is healthy and doesn't really do any purposeful exercise, while exercise has to be a part of my life now. When we have down time, he likes to relax, watch TV or a movie and have a glass of wine with me. It is really the only time we have together to relax away from the kids (who are sleeping). While I love to do this, I have realized that I can't do it every night. That time period is really my only time to exercise, unless I want to exercise at 5 a.m., or stick my husband with the kids and head out during the weekends, which I don't want to do. Also, snacking and drinking wine in front of the TV doesn't really work for me anymore for dietary reasons.
At first, I felt that my husband resented my exercise time, and maybe he did a bit. But that could have been more about me feeling guilty that I was changing our "normal", and him worrying that these new changes were going to take me away. It could have been him looking at my lifestyle changes and thinking, "I need to get my own act together".
Over time, I've just done what I need to do for me, food and exercise-wise, and my family continues to do their "normal" thing or decides to join me (like going on a hike on a weekend day). I make sure to give them the attention that they need, so they don't feel like they are missing out on wife/mom time. It works out, there are no hard feelings, and we are all doing great. My new lifestyle has become a part of our new "normal".
This may not be you, but I will just throw this out there: I have seen a bunch of post-op WLS patients "get religion" about diet and exercise, and they can't help but share it with others. I've even been that person. That's not a bad thing, necessarily. Just make sure you're not judgmental, keep a lid on unsolicited advice, lead by example - not by lecture, and you will be fine. My general rule is "don't ask, don't tell" and its corollary, "if asked, then tell".
Good luck 0 -
katematt313 wrote: »
This may not be you, but I will just throw this out there: I have seen a bunch of post-op WLS patients "get religion" about diet and exercise, and they can't help but share it with others. I've even been that person. That's not a bad thing, necessarily. Just make sure you're not judgmental, keep a lid on unsolicited advice, lead by example - not by lecture, and you will be fine. My general rule is "don't ask, don't tell" and its corollary, "if asked, then tell".
Good luck
Maybe a little thread drift here . . . but I have tried to be very careful about proseltyzing about my weight loss. At work I sit next to another big guy, we have commiserated for years about our inability to get our weight under control. I was always bigger, and when I started losing, he talked about not wanting to be the biggest guy on the floor. Every once in a while he asks some details about my plan and my surgery, but I am careful to only answer questions about me, rather than suggest things for him to do. He mentioned that he appreciated it.
I think it is important to realize that if someone is not ready to make the changes, no one else can push them toward the healthier lifestyle. I know for darn sure that was true about me. I had to be ready.
Rob0 -
I understand the dilema. My significant other tries to not eat food in front of me that I can't/shouldn't eat. He feels guilty. I feel guilty when he doesn't eat what he wants because I have the weight issue, not him. So, I just flat out told him to eat whatever he wants. If he wants to eat more in the vein of what I am having, that is fine, but if he wants something else than he should have it. I pointed out the rest of my life is going to be eating this way, so we need to adjust to it now.0
-
It happens all the time in our house- my kid is sick of healthy food and makes barfing noises when dinner is presented. My husband eats fast food in the car and hides the wrappers under the seat. As mom/ wife- and chief grocery buyer and chef- I try to make everything as healthy as possible for the benefit of all of us- but I understand they get tired of it and don't mind when they jump ship on occasion.0
-
Thanks guys/gals I guess it's somewhat normal. This was just the first time we had a food argument. She's ordered out plenty and it's never bothered me so why would she decide against it just because I didn't want it this time? Maybe she does just feel guilty for her food choices. Now I need to start paying attention. I have noticed her dipping into my protein. Hmmm.....0
-
Thanks guys/gals I guess it's somewhat normal. This was just the first time we had a food argument. She's ordered out plenty and it's never bothered me so why would she decide against it just because I didn't want it this time? Maybe she does just feel guilty for her food choices. Now I need to start paying attention. I have noticed her dipping into my protein. Hmmm.....
Sometimes, but not always, us women can be indirect for our needs. I love what everyone was saying...but if she's dipping into your protein...perhaps she wants to be healthier too without saying it or making a big deal. You may be her conscience.
Hubby watched me lose weight pre-op; measuring, no seconds unless I had room and needed the calories.. Now, he mentions that he needs to eat more like me, and I need to pack his lunches. He's on his feet all day and while overweight, is the kind of guy that if he cuts back, stops drinking soda, and moves a little more - he's losing weight. It used to frustrate me, and I think the tables have turned. During the seminar I attended with my surgery center, he was a little surprised to see his BMI considered him obese, and that thanks to his comorbidities, he qualified for surgery.
As for us, he's felt bad having some things, but I just encourage him to eat. I'll get to the point I can 'have' them later. I feel bad when my kids offer me things, and when I decline, they say, oh, you can't.
As the primary cook in the house, I try to make things healthier, have my own versions of things if needed. The worst is touching something i can't have...like serving hubby's chocolate birthday cake, or breaking in half a biscuit for the kids. When I'm touching it...it's that much more real!
0 -
Maybe a little thread drift here . . . but I have tried to be very careful about proseltyzing about my weight loss. At work I sit next to another big guy, we have commiserated for years about our inability to get our weight under control. I was always bigger, and when I started losing, he talked about not wanting to be the biggest guy on the floor. Every once in a while he asks some details about my plan and my surgery, but I am careful to only answer questions about me, rather than suggest things for him to do. He mentioned that he appreciated it.
I think it is important to realize that if someone is not ready to make the changes, no one else can push them toward the healthier lifestyle. I know for darn sure that was true about me. I had to be ready.
Rob
I am going to thread drift a little to add to this. I am also careful about how and what I share with people who are considering surgery. I have had people ask me if I recommend surgery. I always say no, I am not a medical professional, I wouldn't recommend anything I am not qualified to recommend. I always let them know that yes, surgery has worked for me, but my opinion on it has no bearing on anyone else's choice. The choice has to be between a person and their doctor, and yes, they HAVE to be ready.
0 -
This is just one reason I'm glad that my husband and I have both had the surgery. I have a lot more weight to lose than he does, but it's still helpful that we both gave the same frame of reference.0
-
Well if it's any consolation, I never tell folks how to eat or what they should or shouldn't do. Especially the wife. She's had two kids and is still the same size she was 16 years ago when we met, and I've gained over 100lbs in the last 10 years. I guess she's just adjusting to it like I am.0
-
Im only speaking for myself but I know I get tired of the same thing even if its not eating it every day.
Just the fact of eating the same thing several times in the same week is enough to make me want to vomit ( leftovers enough for a meal is different)!
So maybe our spouses are supportive to a point but then its like "youre eating this way, I'm not nor do I have to so why am I punishing myself?"
They want to get your approval to make it ok for them to have it or to even share in "their" guilty pleasure(s).
My husband enjoys vanilla bean ice cream and will occasionally add a Tbsp of Jif to it and then offer me some.
I know I shouldnt go down that road so sometimes Ill take the spoon he got the PB with and just eat whats left on that.
Right now its enough to satisfy me but similar to that pizza...I was ready to enjoy a slice but my stomach reacted differently
I don't want my husband to feel deprived and hide what he's eating and I don't want to shame him into "making" him lose weight just because this is something I chose to do.
We went to applebees tonight after an appt and I chose a chicken meal for 490 cals but minus the potatoes it was 300.
Since his meal didn't come w/ endless fries, I asked for my potatoes to be switched to fries so he wouldn't have to order an extra serving.
This was a double edge sword...I didn't want to pay for extra fries but I didn't want him to eat/have extra fries.
I am his wife, not his parent and only "he" can decide when enough is enough and right now he hasn't come to that conclusion.
Talking about family genetics while at the table, I explained to him my worries about "his" time since he's right around the age of family having heart attacks.
I know its not a comfortable topic but the unfortunate reality is there.
I want him to make those necessary changes himself because then it'll be his own pride!
I know he's had to make adjustments for my benefit.
We don't go out the way we used to and today was only the 2nd time since 2 months ago when I had WLS that we've eaten at a sit down restaurant...life is not the same!
Yes, life will improve as time goes on but for the immediate this is what it is and it is what I signed up for, the bell can not be un-rung
0 -
Yeah, we've had those same "conversations" at our house. I just keep reminding myself that they are rare and that 99% of the time he's my biggest supporter. Bet the percentage is the same at your house too.0
-
Oh yes we have had some spats over food! Hubby does not feel guilty in eating what he wants, but we went out to eat for the first time post-op and all I could have is broth. He tells me he does not want to go out to eat with me if all I can have is soup broth or a few bites of something. He also went on to say that it is not "normal" to eat so little! My reaction was so eating 3 plates at a Buffett is "normal"? I explained to him that it is not all about food for me anymore! Going out to "eat" is a social activity to me now. I have been out several times with friends and former co-workers and they have no problems with what I eat. We talk and laugh and enjoy each other's company! He later apologized. He has been supportive, and is adjusting to the changes.0
-
Living4me123 wrote: »Oh yes we have had some spats over food! Hubby does not feel guilty in eating what he wants, but we went out to eat for the first time post-op and all I could have is broth. He tells me he does not want to go out to eat with me if all I can have is soup broth or a few bites of something. He also went on to say that it is not "normal" to eat so little! My reaction was so eating 3 plates at a Buffett is "normal"? I explained to him that it is not all about food for me anymore! Going out to "eat" is a social activity to me now. I have been out several times with friends and former co-workers and they have no problems with what I eat. We talk and laugh and enjoy each other's company! He later apologized. He has been supportive, and is adjusting to the changes.
LOL! That was my hubby. It's been a little over 9 months since surgery and he's gotten used to it now.
Just the other day we had left over fajita meat. I grabbed 4 pieces without thinking and popped them in the microwave. Hubby saw me pull it out and he says "you know that's too much". And he was so right I could only 3 eat three of the pieces.0 -
Awe Misty, you should've told him you were heating that piece up for him
Ok, so what do you all do about Buffet restaurants?
While out the other day my husband retorted with "we cant even do buffet anymore because you cant eat enough to make it worth it."
This is true and I do miss the variety of choices and how much "I" want vs getting 1 single already made up plate (restaurant standard) 0 -
Actually buffet may be better for you since you can pick and choose exactly what you want --- and the amounts you want. Keeping you healthy is "worth it" even if you only eat two bites! 0
