What is now working for me - long post
persistentsoul
Posts: 268 Member
I Used to be on here quite a bit but then fell off wagon with my restricted plan. Now I am back and winning. I want to shout it out to world because the freedom I feel now is better than any I achieved before.
I am in UK, 33 years old, have been in battle with binge eating disorder for most of my life. I also have bipolar disorder, BPD, dermatillomania, aspergers (introverted but friendly variety), PCOS ,traumatic past, tinnitus, sleep problems, chronic anxiety, deformed jaws, recovered sex addict, recovered problem drinker, now very early recovery eating disorder, a lot of pain on all levels and am morbidly obese. I am still alive though and still fighting
At the moment I am trying a radical approach for me. I am mentally separating myself from the binge eating voice inside my head. I would like to have a healthy amount of good food and to also enjoy all the foods that I like in single human sized portions.
The binge voice would like me to eat vast quantities of food. Sadly for the binge voice it is only a voice and has no way to make me eat except talk me in to it. Binge voice has no arms to feed itself, it is only a voice. I am the one with arms and hands and I choose what to put in my body. I choose to eat only enough to keep me well and healthy. I choose never to abuse myself with food. I choose to send binge voice to hell by not doing what it wants.
I know if I do what binge voice wants that it will put me in hell.
I have been in battle with binge voice for nearly 30 years. 10th March 2015 I sent binge voice to hell with its one way ticket. I can still hear it but it can not come out of hell unless I do what it wants. I know binge voice always lies and always hurts me, I know it has no power to make me binge except to talk to me. It can not control my hands. It can talk and cry and protest, whisper sweet nothings and make promises all it wants. I am choosing not to do what it tells me. It is abusive and without mercy. I have no place for it any longer in my life so it can just stay in hell. I am going to enjoy my food and not abuse myself with food. I can eat any food that I want. I want to eat food that nourishes my body and soul. I do not want to eat more than I need to be healthy. Only binge voice wants to binge. I do not want to binge so I am not going to because I know it can not make me. I see it for what it is, only a voice.
Binge voice has no mercy, no remorse, no capacity for kindness. It knows only insatiable desire to get next fix, it will never be satisfied and does not care how much I or anyone else gets hurt as long as it gets a fix.
Binge voice lies all of the time and will use everything against me in attempts to manipulate me to give it next fix. Binge voice tells me all sorts of rules and they are all lies. It tells me if I get hurt or angry enough that it is ok to binge, that is a lie. If I am hurt or angry and I then binge I will be more hurt and more angry. The temporary feeling of relief is not mine it is binge creatures relief. I am not relieved by binge, I am hurt by binge. Binge monster says if I have a bit of X,Y,Z that I then have to have a binge. That is a lie. It may want a binge, I only want to enjoy my food. I do not enjoy a binge. The binge joy belongs to binge creature, I am not binge creature. Binge monster says I belong to it and that I am weak and it will take care of me. That is a lie. Binge monster is weak, it is only a voice, I am the one with the power. I control my hands.
Binge monster has been brain washing me in to being its slave but now I know it has no real power. It can not do anything except speak to me and lie. I know it always lies so I now choose never to do what it tells me again. The bossy little beasty can stay put in its new rightful place. Either it can be in hell or I can be in hell. I have had enough of being in the hell binge monster creates for me. It is my turn to be free.
It is always my choice which one of us gets to be free and which one is in hell. Binge monster told me I had no choice, I believed it but it was a lie. It is my choice and I choose to be free. Binge monster stays in hell. I get to live my life.
I read something the other day about addiction recovery which is very similar to what is working for me. It is called rational recovery http://www.rational.org/index.php?id=36
I do not agree with all it but the concept it speaks about is pretty much what I have naturally found myself doing and it works for me.
I just also like to have a support network because I think humans do best that way.
When I see others hurt by addiction and maltreatment at the hands of themselves or others and low self esteem, I feel compassion for them. I want to see the suffering, sorrow, shame lifted. I want for them to see and feel their own power and real beauty. I want for them to feel loved, respected and cared for and to give themselves those things. I want to wrap them up in healing. I truly deeply want that and the light bulb moment finally sank in that I also really do deserve those things and I must show myself mercy and apply them to myself. I give myself permission to be free. No matter how many mistakes I have made, how many times I fell down in my past, no matter how others treat me , no matter what others expect of me, I give myself permission to be free of self torture. I forgive myself for all the hurts. I choose to treat myself as I would wish those I love most to be treated. I choose to build my self respect and ignite a fire of healing within that I fuel each day by being kind to myself.
The eating disorder persisted within me for one reason only, I identified with it. I thought it was me that wanted to eat or restrict. It was not me. It was the subconscious primal drive to get high, that drive knows no limits. It is automated and habitual. It is a physical function of the primal brain. It is not who I am. I can choose not to act on it. I know more than it does, I want more from life than it does. I value my self respect. I recognise my own power to choose. I choose to care for my true self and my health.
I also just posted another blog about my thoughts on binge eating origins and way to stop it
I am in UK, 33 years old, have been in battle with binge eating disorder for most of my life. I also have bipolar disorder, BPD, dermatillomania, aspergers (introverted but friendly variety), PCOS ,traumatic past, tinnitus, sleep problems, chronic anxiety, deformed jaws, recovered sex addict, recovered problem drinker, now very early recovery eating disorder, a lot of pain on all levels and am morbidly obese. I am still alive though and still fighting
At the moment I am trying a radical approach for me. I am mentally separating myself from the binge eating voice inside my head. I would like to have a healthy amount of good food and to also enjoy all the foods that I like in single human sized portions.
The binge voice would like me to eat vast quantities of food. Sadly for the binge voice it is only a voice and has no way to make me eat except talk me in to it. Binge voice has no arms to feed itself, it is only a voice. I am the one with arms and hands and I choose what to put in my body. I choose to eat only enough to keep me well and healthy. I choose never to abuse myself with food. I choose to send binge voice to hell by not doing what it wants.
I know if I do what binge voice wants that it will put me in hell.
I have been in battle with binge voice for nearly 30 years. 10th March 2015 I sent binge voice to hell with its one way ticket. I can still hear it but it can not come out of hell unless I do what it wants. I know binge voice always lies and always hurts me, I know it has no power to make me binge except to talk to me. It can not control my hands. It can talk and cry and protest, whisper sweet nothings and make promises all it wants. I am choosing not to do what it tells me. It is abusive and without mercy. I have no place for it any longer in my life so it can just stay in hell. I am going to enjoy my food and not abuse myself with food. I can eat any food that I want. I want to eat food that nourishes my body and soul. I do not want to eat more than I need to be healthy. Only binge voice wants to binge. I do not want to binge so I am not going to because I know it can not make me. I see it for what it is, only a voice.
Binge voice has no mercy, no remorse, no capacity for kindness. It knows only insatiable desire to get next fix, it will never be satisfied and does not care how much I or anyone else gets hurt as long as it gets a fix.
Binge voice lies all of the time and will use everything against me in attempts to manipulate me to give it next fix. Binge voice tells me all sorts of rules and they are all lies. It tells me if I get hurt or angry enough that it is ok to binge, that is a lie. If I am hurt or angry and I then binge I will be more hurt and more angry. The temporary feeling of relief is not mine it is binge creatures relief. I am not relieved by binge, I am hurt by binge. Binge monster says if I have a bit of X,Y,Z that I then have to have a binge. That is a lie. It may want a binge, I only want to enjoy my food. I do not enjoy a binge. The binge joy belongs to binge creature, I am not binge creature. Binge monster says I belong to it and that I am weak and it will take care of me. That is a lie. Binge monster is weak, it is only a voice, I am the one with the power. I control my hands.
Binge monster has been brain washing me in to being its slave but now I know it has no real power. It can not do anything except speak to me and lie. I know it always lies so I now choose never to do what it tells me again. The bossy little beasty can stay put in its new rightful place. Either it can be in hell or I can be in hell. I have had enough of being in the hell binge monster creates for me. It is my turn to be free.
It is always my choice which one of us gets to be free and which one is in hell. Binge monster told me I had no choice, I believed it but it was a lie. It is my choice and I choose to be free. Binge monster stays in hell. I get to live my life.
I read something the other day about addiction recovery which is very similar to what is working for me. It is called rational recovery http://www.rational.org/index.php?id=36
I do not agree with all it but the concept it speaks about is pretty much what I have naturally found myself doing and it works for me.
I just also like to have a support network because I think humans do best that way.
When I see others hurt by addiction and maltreatment at the hands of themselves or others and low self esteem, I feel compassion for them. I want to see the suffering, sorrow, shame lifted. I want for them to see and feel their own power and real beauty. I want for them to feel loved, respected and cared for and to give themselves those things. I want to wrap them up in healing. I truly deeply want that and the light bulb moment finally sank in that I also really do deserve those things and I must show myself mercy and apply them to myself. I give myself permission to be free. No matter how many mistakes I have made, how many times I fell down in my past, no matter how others treat me , no matter what others expect of me, I give myself permission to be free of self torture. I forgive myself for all the hurts. I choose to treat myself as I would wish those I love most to be treated. I choose to build my self respect and ignite a fire of healing within that I fuel each day by being kind to myself.
The eating disorder persisted within me for one reason only, I identified with it. I thought it was me that wanted to eat or restrict. It was not me. It was the subconscious primal drive to get high, that drive knows no limits. It is automated and habitual. It is a physical function of the primal brain. It is not who I am. I can choose not to act on it. I know more than it does, I want more from life than it does. I value my self respect. I recognise my own power to choose. I choose to care for my true self and my health.
I also just posted another blog about my thoughts on binge eating origins and way to stop it
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Replies
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I can identify with a lot of what you say. I call my inner voice my mind goblin and I am still in the process of learning to cage him and not allow him thw power to dictate my self esteem. I put a bit about it here:
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/maoribadger/view/caging-the-goblin-learning-to-maintain-a-positive-inner-dialogue-721283
Be very proud of how well you are doing so far and feel free to ping me or post in here if the voice is getting persuasive0 -
Wow @persistentsoul I am so moved by this. While my binge voice differed from yours in some ways, it is mostly the same creature. How I came to live without hearing it or answering it is different, and I don't know whether I'm winning or not, but I'm surviving for the time being. It's so incredible that we all have to fight so hard to win for ourselves, but yet others argue about things like willpower, drive, determination, and such. It just isn't that simple. We all have our demons... Congratulations to you in sending yours to hell, and in moving on. You've more power than you know. (hugs)0
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I have been having a big issue with this same topic myself in the last month or so after a year of avoiding it. I know I can beat it and this is just a minor relapse but somewhere along the way I seem to have forgotten the basics. Thanks for sharing your story and giving me a little reminder to stay strong.0
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Congrats on sending that voice to hell....and being stronger then it. Sending big hugs to you.0
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Thanks all, still going strong and feeling liberated
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