First blog post...FEAR of success. Fear of failure. Fear of the #fatgirlbrain. 109lbs down and tryin

melissasue0317

Hey everyone! I felt like I need some type of release. I am not sure what exactly it is that will help and maybe this feeling will just pass.

I am hoping that others feel the same way about "fear". If you are interested, take a glance. Probably not well written but I am tense and not sure where to go right now.

melissasue0317

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/melissasue0317/view/fear-of-success-fear-of-failure-fear-of-the-fatgirlbrain-109lbs-down-and-trying-736177

wennim

I am so right there with you about the fear. I have failed at weight-loss more times than i can count.

I have lost a similar amount of weight and it seems like once I hit the 100 lb lost mark I panicked. I think part of it was that people really started to acknowledge and comment on my loss. I was fine when it was just something I was doing on my own and no one else noticed or cared (or at least not as many people commented on it). Once someone told me that I inspired them to lose weight it was another ball game.

When I was heavier it was easy to blend in and not be the center of anything. Now that someone was telling me that I was the sole reason they were doing something I started to feel a lot of pressure. Now it wasn't just for me it was about someone else relying on me to be a continued source of motivation and inspiration. So by failing I was letting down more than myself.

I kind of went down a bad path and was so consumed by the fear of failure that I was focusing on that and not what I needed to do to lose more weight. I had my first binge in over a year. Followed shortly after by two more... I had to take some time and journal about how I was feeling and why I was so afraid. I went back and read things I had written earlier in this journey. It helped me to refocus on me and what I needed to do.

Don't get me wrong I am still scared as hell that I will gain it all back and the irrational fear that I will wake up one day and be back where I started never leaves. I am looking at it as part of a process much like I do my mind still seeing me as a much bigger person. I am hoping to keep that fear in check and use it as a tool to help me stay on track.

melissasue0317

YES!!! Thank you so much. I think I needed to feel like someone else was right there with me. That is exactly how I feel. 100lbs seemed like such a far-fetched goal that I never dreamed I would actually achieve. Now I have and I still need to push on, it scares the bejeezus out of me. For the only reason of, people are now noticing it.

KnitOrMiss

Posting my response here, too, for the sake of discussion:

Oh, goodness Melissa!!! I have lost sight of how MANY TIMES I have been in that same position. Not the twins bit, but at my heaviest I weighed almost double what I did when my kiddo was in my at the hospital while I was in labor. I weighed exactly 200 pounds the day I was 9 months pregnant, in labor, having my daughter the next day. At my heaviest, I was between 335-350. Talk about WTF????? I know now that there were a number of contributing factors, but that doesn't stop the fact that in that situation, I still formed worse habits than ever.

And fear of failure? Yes. But by not even trying, I guaranteed failing. At least I could succeed at something, even if it was failure, right? But I didn't understand that at the time... What scares me more is succeeding. What if I don't like who I become? I haven't ever SUCCEEDED in my life, not truly about something that mattered. There is no point of reference. If I try to succeed and fail, isn't that worse? What if I hate who I am, what I do, how I am? What if it destroys my marriage (past me, fry)? What if??? There were a million and 1 questions. They all had excuses and fear at the root of the answers.

I don't know if you remember, but I spent a good chunk of last year working on my mental side while loosely maintaining in a ten pound range. It was hell. I blogged about some of it. Please, read all or none of the blogs. http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/KnitOrMiss

The biggest mindshift for me was October last year, and the blog there helps. But my pivotal moment in deciding I was worth it was the "Shrapnel" post. I also have some offline writings I made to my daughter to help her understand why I changed so many things. I'm willing to share all of this with you. Someone sparked so many little things for me, and hit me over the head with a few mental sledgehammers, too, and I couldn't be more thankful now. I really need to write about it.

We all have to find our own paths, Melissa, but my heart is positively breaking for you right now. You have the inner strength. You just haven't uncovered it yet. Your inner #fatgirlbrain is positively terrified and shaking in her damned boots. She KNOWS what the real you has the power to do. She is actively sabotaging you in her own fear. It's up to you to realize this, and to decide whether or not you're ready to kick her gone for good.

For me, the biggest change, following the mental kick in the head, was finally listening to my doctors's advice and changing my entire way of eating in ways I didn't think I COULD... But I can, and I am, and it has changed my life forever. So, while I'm still plodding along, and I'll still have times I take two steps back, I'm dragging the old me kicking and screaming behind me... (MUCH LOVE AND HUGS)

KnitOrMiss

And it's still surreal when people who INSPIRE ME tell me that I inspire them... I guess it's a two way street. I just help where I can, it's in my nature... Can't believe my pain in the @$$ struggles help anyone! And I'm both dying for people to notice and dreading it, because then comes the judgment and despising thought and competition and downtrodders. (hugs) to anyone who's ever fought through this...

maoribadger

You have taken a big step and acknowledged it. Fear can only grow larger left unchecked. Now you have named and shamed it you take a huge step towards beating it. And you are inspiring - i am only halfway to what you have achieved and you amaze me

melissasue0317

Thank you everyone! I was able to talk out my feelings with a friend last night as well. So to see you all and hear others acknowledge that this is a real something. I feel better. A lot better.

Why did I have to share my progress when I wasn't done yet...I just want to retreat back into my "getting healthy for me" hole and hope people forget soon. But then again, there will never be a "done." There will be a goal and there will be my forever life changed for the better. This challenge doesn't end when we reach a goal. There will always be fighting and maintaining and being humble to admit needing help getting there.

I typically do my weigh-ins on Thursday or Fridays and have avoided the scale like the plague for about 8 days. I went ahead and looked this morning to see the damage. Umm, it said down 1.2lbs. Thats weird, so I will recheck tomorrow or Sunday.

My guy and I are headed out of town on Monday for 2 nights of just us, no kiddos Very happy about that!