its so strange...
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imfree2bme
Posts: 16 Member
So i go back and forth with eating. Its always been a battle for me. I either eat like i've lost my mind or go days without eating. its been like this since i was little. i spent a year and a half fasting 3 to 5 days a week and then every other week fast for longer periods of time anytime from 5 to 22 days. i realize some might think its impossible to survive without eating that long only drinking water but i did and i looked pretty good but i still couldn't reach my goal weight no matter how hard i tried. Then things got really hard and i started eating and i couldn't stop i put like 60 lbs on in 5 months. now i've swung back to the other side. i'm eating but i'm monitoring my calories like a hawk and prob taking it to the extreme.
last week i went to a coffee shop and got a juice(juicer) and i looked up the calories,sugar and carbs afterwards. i was so upset by it that i didn't let myself eat for two days. the whole time i was like this is stupid its so stupid but i still couldn't let myself eat. i had a similar thing happen this week but it was a salad and i couldn't figure out how much fatfree dressing was on my salad and was scared of how many calories it was so i didn't eat for a day.
yesterday, i hit a 1000 calories and i was so upset i hadn't done that in a while. i went out for drink with my coworker. the drink was about 300 calories and not including the salt intake (the rim was coated in it) and i had 6 chips with salsa. i was so upset like literally upset. all i could think about was working out and how i failed myself. i'm like this is ridiculous and at the same time the more obsessed,depressed and etc i was.
I realize that this is all crazy sounding. i know its not a big deal but it is taking over my life again...i worked out today and i let myself have 2 slices of cheese and some vegan lunch meat for lunch no bread or dressing. i was really ashamed like i had let myself down for eating lunch. i wanted to hide.
i'm still overweight so i figure when i get to my idea weight i will stop. I figure its not an eating disorder until i'm underweight but, it has taken over my life and mind...i've been at it for 20 days and i losing like a pound every 1.5 days roughly if this keeps up another month or two maybe three and i will be at an okay weight.
I know this probably sounds so weird and i'm still not underweight so its fine i guess but, all the obsession,emotions...even now i'm thinking how much more could lose if i...xyz...
i guess i'm typing this because part of me knows i'm being silly and ridiculous and controlling but the other side of me is becoming stronger than logic...
i'll stop rambling
last week i went to a coffee shop and got a juice(juicer) and i looked up the calories,sugar and carbs afterwards. i was so upset by it that i didn't let myself eat for two days. the whole time i was like this is stupid its so stupid but i still couldn't let myself eat. i had a similar thing happen this week but it was a salad and i couldn't figure out how much fatfree dressing was on my salad and was scared of how many calories it was so i didn't eat for a day.
yesterday, i hit a 1000 calories and i was so upset i hadn't done that in a while. i went out for drink with my coworker. the drink was about 300 calories and not including the salt intake (the rim was coated in it) and i had 6 chips with salsa. i was so upset like literally upset. all i could think about was working out and how i failed myself. i'm like this is ridiculous and at the same time the more obsessed,depressed and etc i was.
I realize that this is all crazy sounding. i know its not a big deal but it is taking over my life again...i worked out today and i let myself have 2 slices of cheese and some vegan lunch meat for lunch no bread or dressing. i was really ashamed like i had let myself down for eating lunch. i wanted to hide.
i'm still overweight so i figure when i get to my idea weight i will stop. I figure its not an eating disorder until i'm underweight but, it has taken over my life and mind...i've been at it for 20 days and i losing like a pound every 1.5 days roughly if this keeps up another month or two maybe three and i will be at an okay weight.
I know this probably sounds so weird and i'm still not underweight so its fine i guess but, all the obsession,emotions...even now i'm thinking how much more could lose if i...xyz...
i guess i'm typing this because part of me knows i'm being silly and ridiculous and controlling but the other side of me is becoming stronger than logic...
i'll stop rambling
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Replies
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I wish I could help or say something constructive, but I'm in the same boat.0
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Hi girls!
I am sorry you are going through this. I have also been having increased anxiety, insecurity, panic when I eat something I deem "too much". I will say that just because you are overweight does not mean it cannot be an eating disorder. Have you ever been in therapy?
In my 20's I webt to therapy. My anorexia had staryed at 16, had turned ok in college then had mini slip ups. When I dtared therapy I was not overweight. That was the first time I was officially diagnosed as anorexic. Today, I am overweight (since having children). I had a relapse at 31 and staryed purging as well. Was then diagnosed bulimic too. The point is, you can be overweight and still have an eating disorder. I had gone years being ok and pretty much accepting myself as is, with just a few random days on anxiety. But I started losing weight in March and now many of the old anxieties, insecurities, crazy talk in my head is back. The smart side of me says "this is dumb. You need to eat. You deserve to eat." But the ED side freaks out and I have to talk myself down from wanting to purge or go run or something. It has been rough and I am contemplating therapy again. A refresher is always good.
Be strong and eat. It takes more effort and strength to overcome that ED voice and eat healthy than it does to starve/fast. And I would suggest finding a good therapist too. Hugs!0
