Why am I relapsing?!

reachingforarainbow

i don't understand. I thought by me going up to maintenance calories the desire to eat everything would slow down a bit. I was doing so good, and was only having lapses maybe once a month (not even) with purging (aka throwing up) but it's started to increase to once every week. I'm scared

Nony_Mouse

Are you seeing a therapist currently? If not, I would highly recommend it to help you get to the bottom of this.

For me, my ED relapses, in whatever form they decide to take, are almost always related to something else going on in my life that I don't want to deal with (often a broken heart!). Is there something in life that you don't feel you have control of or is providing additional stress? Could it even be the idea of being recovered itself? Remember, EDs are a (really lousy!!) coping strategy, coping through avoidance. Try to identify what it is that you are trying to avoid dealing with.

And (((hugs)))

reachingforarainbow

I don't have a therapist and I don't have enough money to go see one. So Yep. I am supposed to be moving out at the end of the month (from my parents house). Most of why I'm stressed is because i think I'm gonna go back to my eating disorder like worse than its ever been because I won't have to try and please anyone with what I do or don't eat. I really hope no one flags this. I'm just not sure how I'm supposed to grow up. Like I want to move out but I also am scared. I just know that I never really got treated for my eating disorder, and therefor have nothing to help me not fall into when I live on my own

Nony_Mouse

Aha, there we go then . Your fear of falling back into your ED is triggering your ED.

How about doing it for yourself? Because really at the end of the day, wanting to be healthy for you is the only way it is going to work. Do you have access to any free support groups in your area? And remember you have this group for support and accountability. How about using this thread as sort of an ongoing journal to document your feelings?

I know for me (in retrospect) my bulimia was a way of getting 'rid' of the feelings, like I actually felt relief through purging (obviously that is *kitten* up and I wasn't actually getting rid of the feelings at all, but...), and I do believe finding another outlet for those emotions, such as writing them down, works too (and is far healthier and more effective!). You don't have to do it here if you're not comfortable with that, but I do think it's a good thing to try even on your own.

Some other things to try are making lists: of reasons to get/stay healthy (recovered); and positive things about moving out of home.

reachingforarainbow

I like the idea of writing on here, but then people will call me on all my garbage. If I ever actually logged accurately even on MFP it is sooo obvious that I binge and restrict like all the time... But the way I log I just move things around so I net a normal amount of calories (I'm not sure if this okay or not, but its what I do)

Nony_Mouse

reachingforarainbow wrote: »

I like the idea of writing on here, but then people will call me on all my garbage. If I ever actually logged accurately even on MFP it is sooo obvious that I binge and restrict like all the time... But the way I log I just move things around so I net a normal amount of calories (I'm not sure if this okay or not, but its what I do)

Well, that's kind of how accountability works . But I was talking more about writing how you are feeling, not necessarily what you've eaten. Also remember we've all been through this, we're not going to judge . The idea is to give you a space to get that stuff out, and offer support and suggestions of things that worked for us.

Also, averaging your calories out over the week or whatever is a perfectly valid approach depending on how you use it (known as zig-zag dieting). For example, I had a super day yesterday right up until I ate an entire packet of Girl Guide biscuits (cookies) in bed (which I need to go back and log because I'd already signed off on my diary for the day) . So exercise calories this week will go towards balancing that out. It's also how I've generally maintained weight - I watch what I eat during the week and don't worry about it on the weekends. But for you right now you still need to address the emotions behind your binges (ie the feelings and fears you have over leaving home). It also depends how severely you are restricting after the binges. Like if I wanted to make up for bikkie-fest in one day I would have to pretty much not eat today. Not going to happen. Yes, I'm annoyed at myself for doing it, but I'm not going to punish myself. It happened, I can make up for it in a sensible way over the rest of the week so I'm dusting myself off and getting on with it. Does that make sense?

reachingforarainbow

@Nony_Mouse I was trying to do the exercise off thing, but then I started to think that the gym equipment and MFP calculations of calories burned was too inaccurate and that I should not count it

Nony_Mouse

I wasn't suggesting you 'exercise it off'. Maybe I worded that badly. What I meant in my case was that I would be doing my normal amount of exercise and instead of eating all of those cals back some would go towards balancing out the biscuits.

Exercising excessively to counter a binge is just another form of purging.