The more I fight for my health...the more problems I uncover... ***CROSS POST***

KnitOrMiss

Honestly, today is one of those days where most of me, if not more, wants to just give up. A 5 am or so today, I pulled up the updates on my blood tests that I'm going to the doctor for tomorrow, and one result stopped me in my tracks. When something switches from negative result (being good) to a positive result (being bad), I wanted to know what that meant. And so I googled.

One answer jumped off the page at me over and over again: AUTO-IMMUNE

I was so floored you could have pushed me over with a feather. This was EXACTLY the kind of future I was fighting to avoid. My mother is so severely auto-immune that at this point, I've honestly no idea how she has a quality of life. I immediately wanted to give up on everything.

This past five years, I've been fighting like hell to regain myself, my health, my happiness, etc. It seems like the further I come in that fight, the more problems I develop, discover, or simply have to face! It is so demoralizing, like I'm being tested. "You want to get healthy? Are you sure? Oh, here, have some plantar fasciitis! Oh, that didn't stop you? Divorce. Misery. Lose everything you think is important! Nothing? Really? Let's give you female complications... Barely a blink? What about some high blood pressure? No? Maybe some insulin resistance, ha! No? Fall asleep every time you eat (postprandial somnolance)! NO?? Fine, I'll pull out the big guns! AUTO-IMMUNE. WHAM! Ha! That slowed you down a bit, no?" as this inner mental demon does a happy dance.

So forgive me if I'm contemplative this morning, trying to figure out what it all means. Apparently, I'll likely have to do some more blood work to determine what type, but the Rheumatoid test was lower than ever, so I guess at least it isn't that. And yes, I know there can be false positives, but all of my white blood cell counts were up across the board in all my other tests, too, so I highly doubt that. I have a family history of this. And I spent the better part of two decades treating my body like crap. So I suppose I really shouldn't be surprised...

Just send good thoughts, if you can... And for any of my amazing friends out there who've dealt with all this, please feel free to let me know how you deal with it, live, function, and hell, even give a damn! (hugs) to all...

carimiller7391

Carly sending you big hugs, positive vibes and good thoughts.

maoribadger

Ok so first of all, step away from Google. It never bodes well for a lay person to self diagnose the results of medical investigations. And it is an easy thing to do to check in with Google but google in my experience is obsessed with both cancer and other forms of medical misery. Wait for tomorrows appointment.

Second. Not knowing what the test is and not pretending to be an expert at reading them anyway beyond my own level of medical expertise I cant comment on the outcome of tomorrow but you are making a huge difference in your life with what you are doing. Yes you have the complications you mentioned above. Sadly its a fact that morbid obesity comes with a lot of health factors and some of them can take a while to catch up with you which is why it suddenly seems that you are working to improve your health but being hit by these whammys even so. But you *are* improving your health with every pound off, every walk taken, every sensible choice. Eventually the physical with catch up with the mental and emotional but it may take some time. I do hear you on the fact sometimes you are fighting the tide because with an achilles tendon that feels ready to pop, patellar maltracking, shoulder bursitis and what I suspect is a right dysplastic hip I do NOT want to stress my joints most days but am going to continue to do so because eventually they will thank me for it as will my borderline glucose levels and my psych problems. You are doing the RIGHT things even if it doesnt feel like it right now.

Third. Im not gonna blow smoke up your *kitten* and say hey no you wont have an auto immune disorder I believe that . You may well do hon. But IF you do I know you will deal with it. And you will make strides to ensure you protect every ounce of your quality of life. You know you have the stength of character and will to prevail

Fourth. Hugs, Just cos

xxx

KnitOrMiss

maoribadger wrote: »

Ok so first of all, step away from Google. It never bodes well for a lay person to self diagnose the results of medical investigations. And it is an easy thing to do to check in with Google but google in my experience is obsessed with both cancer and other forms of medical misery. Wait for tomorrows appointment.

Second. Not knowing what the test is and not pretending to be an expert at reading them anyway beyond my own level of medical expertise I cant comment on the outcome of tomorrow but you are making a huge difference in your life with what you are doing. Yes you have the complications you mentioned above. Sadly its a fact that morbid obesity comes with a lot of health factors and some of them can take a while to catch up with you which is why it suddenly seems that you are working to improve your health but being hit by these whammys even so. But you *are* improving your health with every pound off, every walk taken, every sensible choice. Eventually the physical with catch up with the mental and emotional but it may take some time. I do hear you on the fact sometimes you are fighting the tide because with an achilles tendon that feels ready to pop, patellar maltracking, shoulder bursitis and what I suspect is a right dysplastic hip I do NOT want to stress my joints most days but am going to continue to do so because eventually they will thank me for it as will my borderline glucose levels and my psych problems. You are doing the RIGHT things even if it doesnt feel like it right now.

Third. Im not gonna blow smoke up your *kitten* and say hey no you wont have an auto immune disorder I believe that . You may well do hon. But IF you do I know you will deal with it. And you will make strides to ensure you protect every ounce of your quality of life. You know you have the stength of character and will to prevail

Fourth. Hugs, Just cos

xxx

Thanks for kicking my *kitten*. I do need that.

Okay, I realize that this tone of my post sounds all wallowing in self-pity like. It's not. It's more stunned possibility overwhelmingness. I had to dump it out on the screen so I wouldn't obsess. Because I'm intentionally not looking at all the horrors it could be. But I did note yesterday that it was odd all my white cell counts were up. I couldn't figure out what I might be fighting.

So when I wanted to know what that result referenced, it startled me. I honestly was expecting diabetes to rear it's ugly head. I'm still shocked it hasn't. But I'm taking steps to prevent that as much as is in my control anyway. But that blood test combined with the white cell counts likely means AI, though not 100%, which is why I'm dumping my concern here. I would rather get all wiggy on all my amazing friends here that freak out and not be able to ask intelligent questions of my doctor tomorrow. I like being prepared. Some would say I like being OVERPREPARED.

Regardless, I know it is possible. So if he tells me that tomorrow, I can be aware and progress logically instead of panicked! But this particular test (Anti-Nuclear Antibody Screen and Pattern test) indicates a certain type of auto-immune that shows itself in extreme sun sensitivity. Um, yeah, hand up here. I still have a blistery rash in the chest area from Monday. No end in sight for it either. I've never had one last this long. I've even been wearing long sleeved sweaters in heat to protect me. I was hoping that changing my blood pressure medicine would help the sun issue...but it hasn't so far, but it's only been less than a week.

So I'm not all self-pity. This is attempt at self-awareness without freaking out. I don't like to panic about a presumed result without points of reference. Which I don't have, and I acknowledge that. But I'd rather be prepared and ready to take charge than woefully ignorant about my own health. Plus, I checked about a dozen sites glancingly. So it isn't like I picked the one worst case site, either. Information is what I was after. I handle stress far better when prepared for the possibilities, because yeah, it could always be way worse...

I know I can DEAL with this diagnosis if it happens. I just don't want to have to... LOL I'm already overwhelmed in my life and thinking of one more thing, no matter what it is, makes me want to stop fighting because it all seems pointless. I know that isn't logical, and I know life isn't fair... I just am tired of fighting...for or against anything! And yeah, it doesn't help knowing that if this is what it might be that I did it to myself. It doesn't help anything...

However, on a minor uptick, fasting glucose, A1c, and fasting insulin are all marginally better, like 0.1-0.2 change each...but at least they aren't worse. Good cholesterol is up, triglycerides are down, and bad cholesterol looks to be changing type. B12 has almost double, but still isn't out of the danger zone. So there are some upswings. And some flags all around, but I know doing a ketogenic diet changes the range of expectations, and I know I can't possibly know how every single result plays together, so I'm not going to panic about it all. I just like knowing the data so I can at least ask questions.

And hugs, back.

maoribadger

Sorry if I came across as hard nosed I didn't mean to. That's the problem with text based conversations. I know you aren't throwing a pity party and I know you want to be armed with knowledge rather than blown away by the doc tomorrow. I didn't mean to infer otherwise simply meaning that he's the go to guy for the right answers about diagnosis prognosis and also support. In the mean time though we are all here for you even if it's only on a computer screen and frustrating as hell not being able to just sit down opposite you touch you on the arm and say hey what do you need from me.

I know you are tired of fighting I can hear it in every word. I also know you won't stop so be gentle with yourself and allow that time to grieve for what's been lost over the years but never let it consume ypu or lose sight of the amazing person you are IN SPITE of your trials. It's not a stick to beat yourself with. Remember what you would tell a friend if their place was reversed.

The other bloods sound positive which I'm really pleased for you about.

Keep on trucking you know you have it in you

Much love

KnitOrMiss

maoribadger wrote: »

Sorry if I came across as hard nosed I didn't mean to. That's the problem with text based conversations. I know you aren't throwing a pity party and I know you want to be armed with knowledge rather than blown away by the doc tomorrow. I didn't mean to infer otherwise simply meaning that he's the go to guy for the right answers about diagnosis prognosis and also support. In the mean time though we are all here for you even if it's only on a computer screen and frustrating as hell not being able to just sit down opposite you touch you on the arm and say hey what do you need from me.

I know you are tired of fighting I can hear it in every word. I also know you won't stop so be gentle with yourself and allow that time to grieve for what's been lost over the years but never let it consume ypu or lose sight of the amazing person you are IN SPITE of your trials. It's not a stick to beat yourself with. Remember what you would tell a friend if their place was reversed.

The other bloods sound positive which I'm really pleased for you about.

Keep on trucking you know you have it in you

Much love

Thanks. And no, we all need a tough love slap back to reality sometimes! I knew you were just telling me not to be a panicky dumb @$$. It is all good. I'd rather someone be straight up with me than try to tell me what I want to hear.

And just in case anyone wonders why I'm worried about the bloodwork BEFORE my appointment, I'm in a different city than my doctor and had to do my labs at a place local to me that talks to his network, but he doesn't always get the full story. As an example, I have historical numbers back to 2009 in some of the categories that he can't see. I had to make sure to have a print out of every single thing available in case he can't see it...

PLUS, having had PCOS for an extended time, I know how much I have to arm myself with knowledge, because so little is known about the efficacy of treatments. It is all trial and error. According to my endocrinologist, through research, questions, and self-trials, I have helped him think of new possibilities that he might not have considered in the future if ever. So it is an educational give and take. He is happy to answer questions and give advice but let me feel in charge of my medical path but still maintaining control enough to keep me from steering into a brick wall or off a cliff...

I think it is odd that so many of you have called me strong today. I don't feel strong. I want to curl up into a ball and weep at the injustice...but there's no time for that, really...

maoribadger

Theres different kinds of strong, sometimes strong is just not giving up even when everything in you says you should.

KnitOrMiss

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather courage is the determination that something else is more important than the fear." This is one of my favorite quotes!

maoribadger

Only a man who knows what it is like to be defeated can reach down to the bottom of his soul and come up with the extra ounce of power it takes to win when the match is even.
Muhammed Ali

A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles.
Christopher Reeve

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will
Mahatma Gandhi

Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind.
Bruce Lee

Sometimes it is better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.
Terry Pratchett


Just some words from a select few of my heroes