5/15/2015- today I celebrate

wennim

Today I am celebrating my new self-confidence. I used to hate leaving the house and talking to strangers was a nightmare. Now some people still bother me but strangers actually seem to engage in conversation with me. I don't find myself trying to hide in a crowd as much anymore.

On a side note I am also celebrating the fact that the pointless BMI number that really isn't an indicator of much of anything says that I am officially overweight...no longer obese.

KnitOrMiss

Awesome win with your new self-confidence!

And yes, BMI crap is so arbitrary. If they are testing our actual body fat, height, weight, metabolism, and all that, I can see using a comprehensive look at overall health, but I can tell you that I'm far healthier at 245 this year than I was at 245 last year. Different size clothing, better blood lab results, more energy, no cravings and a crap ton of stuff. Weight is just a number, as is BMI. We are the ones who give it context, value.

Today I'm celebrating this NSV that I just put up in my blog:

Wanted to share a mental NSV from this week. I've been under a ridiculous amount of stress for quite a while now, and I don't know how I don't have cortisol and other major stress related issues, per se, but I wanted to focus on this.

I've had a few positively flip out moments, where the scale keeps going up (usually on days I haven't slept as well, as a post-note), and all manner of annoyance, and so I've had that thought of just wanting to give up... But rarely has giving up my WOE crossed my mind, and the few times it has, either the thought passed just as quickly, or I looked at a food my stress center claimed to "want" and almost laughed at myself because the pull isn't there, and it just isn't worth the heck... It was a heck of a realization that I don't consider it something "changeable," that really in a few short months, this WOE/WOL has become a part of this me.

I thought about changing physical activity, I though about meditation and yoga, and I even thought about an anti-anxiety medication until things become more manageable, but I didn't think about doing anything other than eating a bunch of bacon, because I knew the sweet-craving-impulse in my head wasn't real.

It was a positively insane moment for me...

maoribadger

Um. Today I am celebrating the fact I am still trying.

I saw my counsellor today for first time in a few months. I went in there honestly not knowing what I planned on saying and kinda flipped out a little. I pretty much spilled every stress, every *bad thought* and every anxiety I had out in a matter of about thirty minutes. She looked quite surprised as I dont generally swear or get really worked up when I see her but I did kind of lose it completely, ended up with pain in my chest. Anyway we talked about a lot of stuff i dont really need to burden you guys with but it totally wore me out and shes reccomended I go for some more intensive therapy stuff - like weekly in depth one on one with a psychologist and is putting a case together to have me referred. Its a couple months waiting list, maybe 3, so I need to keep seeing her in the meantime. She did tell me though that I am way too hard on myself and function at a high level considering I am so busy in her words 'playing whackamole' with PTSD, OCD, social/general anxiety as well as depression which is why I need some intensive psychology as what I have had has been pretty fragmented so far (I had a cpl sessions of CBT before they switched to treating my OCD then halfway through that I had a PTSD meltdown and they started looking at that so everythings got lost in the shuffle).

She said that I hold down a demanding job and run our entire family including keeping my man child on track with his own issues as if he were actually my own child and running our finances and administrative stuff single handed. And that I shouldnt punish myself for taking medication to keep me stable in the meantime and maybe I need to work out a way to come to terms with my tablets in case I am on them for a long time which is a possibility. Some of which shes said before but she reiterated today so IDK.

Sorry that came out longer than expected and maybe is oversharing. But I guess Im trying to say I am still here and still trying. Despite everything thats popping up at the moment (whack a mole as she put it) I havent actually given up I am just finding it harder than normal and still challenging myself with things like Superhuman, the OCRs I have entered and my lifting all the time. I have promised myself even a bad day like today wont derail me, its just a step off track and I can step back on