06.17.2015 ramblings

carimiller7391

Good afternoon ladies and gents!!!

Hope this finds everyone well and enjoying the day.

Well day 1 of keeping track of foods and moods/energy without trying to really follow any special type of LCHF food plan was eye opening. I found that yesterday I ate because I was upset with Reggie, bored, because food was present, bored, bored and more bored....because I was having a craving, and finally because I was still awake. Thought I deserved it. I'm looking back at it right this minute and it is depressing as well as thought provoking to see how I "treat" myself. But, I also see the light at the end of the tunnel too. I know this is just a bump in the road to get me mentally to where I need to be. I also plan on going back to my paper journals, instead of just here. I find being able to reflect is helpful. I see where my poor food choices are yesterday and am working to change that up tomorrow. I also found how HUGE of a part my mood plays in what I choose to shovel in my mouth. Monday night, for instance, Reggie and I got into an arguement... Tuesday morning I was still so peeved that I ate 6 pepperidge farm toffee and chocolate chip cookies, (Over the course of 1.5 hours) out of spite. Now who the heck was I hurting eating 6 cookies but me?? I recognize this now, but yesterday.... NOPE.... I also found that if I have food sitting around me.... I feel that I have to eat. Today, I even went to the point of bringing no cash to work so I couldn't hit the vending machines. The games we play with ourselves are tremendous.

So tonight I plan on cleaning out my car..getting any food out of it. Also plan on going to the grocery store for pickles, (I hear they are a great source of sodium), I have plenty of cheese at home to make cheese crisps, and making some chicken thighs tomorrow night.

Just being accountable...

KnitOrMiss

Those are some fantastic strides, Cari! I was telling someone the other day that boredom is my biggest downfall, perhaps even more so than stress. With boredom, I become this gaping maw of a garbage disposal, and my mind goes through it's memory banks of any food I've ever had a positive reaction to, just hoping to be sparked to life again. It's ridiculous. I've eating 800 calories when bored and still felt bottomless, because I was trying to fill a mind hole with food. Ridiculous learned response.

It's enlightening, isn't it? We feel a literal compulsion to something, shovel something in - it feels downright INEVITABLE - and once we step away, we can see how emotion caught us up in a tornado or irrationality...

But knowing will help so much as you go on. Eventually, it will get to the point where you can recognize something not as it is happening, but before it is triggered to full on meltdown. It's so empowering!!!


As for me...my biggest struggle currently is that I can't divide my focus. I couldn't give a rat's patootie about my job atm. I'm bored ALL THE TIME, hence why I'm here a lot. There is no challenge. I put off distasteful tasks. I literally neglect my job but I find it hard to care. And if I stop and focus on fixing everything, my health/diet/fitness will go off the rails. I've proven it time and again. I've just got to figure out how to make more than one thing at a time in my life to work out decently.

Hugs,
Carly

maoribadger

Stress is my biggest, I can inhale food when I am stressed. The journalling seems very valuable, have you considered a phone app, save you carrying paper and pen about?

KnitOrMiss

maoribadger wrote: »

Stress is my biggest, I can inhale food when I am stressed. The journalling seems very valuable, have you considered a phone app, save you carrying paper and pen about?

Do you know of a phone app that would particularly help? Because I might use that, whereas I don't always have anything else with me...

maoribadger

You are iphone? Im on android so i just went into the play store and searched for eating tracking apps. Im still looking atm but found one called RR

KnitOrMiss

I have access to both, though my main one is an Android. However, it doesn't have any service, so I have to get on wifi to download anything... I'll look. RR? Thanks!

carimiller7391

Lise, thanks for the appl for the phone idea. I actually enjoy pen and paper most times. It feels good to me to write things out. Like I am purging them. Crazy I know. But it seems to work for me. That's one reason I am sorta upset that I stopped journalling all together. I have so many pent up emotions and I know they are eating away at me. I know I need to journal and get them all out. I don't really know what's stopping me from journalling. Sometimes I feel as though the emotions may scare me coming out at this point. I have a best friend that doesn't understand my struggles, Reggie sorta gets it... but then again, he doesn't. I feel as though I am stranded on island by myself with everyone in the ocean trying to help, but they can't.

KnitOrMiss

I hear you Cari. I have difficulties writing by hand for too long due to tendon issues relating to my missing finger. I much prefer handwriting, but with typing I can get more out. But I know what you mean. Sometimes I don't want to unplug the dam to let anything out because I'm scared the pressure from behind the stone wall will bust everything open and I will break into a million pieces and not be able to function.

Of course, the reality is that it never happens that way. But I still have the fear.

Yeah, Cari, I got into a nasty argument with my guy earlier this week about food addictions and willpower, and I just had to realize - HE WILL NEVER COMPLETELY "GET" IT. It broke my heart, but at the same token, accepting it allowed me to let the pain, anger, hurt, etc. all go and fade away.

We're here. Wish I could be there. If you ever just want to vent in email, I'll happily shoot you mine... I prefer that because this stuff here isn't secure...

I haven't really gotten into an emotional journal or blog in a while, but I know I need to do so... I'm getting pent up and taking it out on folks who aren't the targets of my frustration.

carimiller7391

Hey Carly, I definitely feel that I would not only break into a million pieces, but those pieces would wash away before I could ever pull myself back together. I know, the reality is, I'd feel better working thru them, but just as you know.... It's hard and scary. I like to eat away hard and scary feelings. Something I really need to work on.

Thanks for the email offer. I will keep that in mind. I too sit at work on this site. Same reason as you. So sad:(

I have to take my car to the dealer tonight....so Reggie and I aren't doing anything. I plan on writing tonight. Hopefully it solves a LOT of these pressing issues for me. Or at least gives me some light at the end of the tunnel. If nothing else, I'll at least have them out of me and on paper. That helps. Babay steps, right??

KnitOrMiss

Any step, big, small, forward, backward, anything is a step of progress on this journey, because I know that if you go backwards, you'll go forward again soon.

I think I'm going to go take a walk today. It's overcast enough I shouldn't get too burned. I just hope I don't play WIPE OUT again like I did the other day... I'm still sore.