06.20.2015- Misc thoughts
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carimiller7391
Posts: 1,091 Member
Good morning ladies and gents!!!
Hope this finds everyone doing great and enjoying their weekend. I'm currently at work. (BOOOHISS), but I only work one weekend every 3 weeks and I get off a day during the week, which helps with appointments for doctors, dentist, and just a mental health break.... Sometimes you need that day off during the week to recoupe.....This was definitely one of those weeks for me. I sent one of my best friends an email, very short of saying I needed to be in the hospital for depression. I really thought/felt I was going to end up in there for depression. I see my Dr. and therapist this coming week and am going to discuss changing or uping my meds (wondering if since I had RNY if I am not absorbing all the anti-depressant the way I should)..... all I know is I've been down/sad/depressed for about 3 weeks and that is definitely not me. Normally when I have an "episode" due to my bipolar, I go manic although I cycle every 4-5 days normally. I've learned to live with the 4-5 day cycling as normal for me.....but being down and feeling like doing nothing but crying.... not me. It's also gotten to the point that it's scaring Reggie a bit. Not that he wants to leave, he keeps asking what he can do to make me "happy again"... I wish it was that easy.
I am starting to also learn that my food choices are affecting my moods in a very negative way.. both biologically and emotionally. I've kept a mood journal since Tuesday of the foods I've eaten and the way I've felt before and after eating. Junk, processed foods, sugar, refined flour, anything processed in general is giving me a false feeling of good for about 30 minutes. After that, I don't want to say I crash, but my body rebels. I feel horrible. My joints hurt, I get an instant headache, I feel tired and lethargic, (I end up popping caffiene pills to wake up, stay awake, get thru the afternoon after the processed food).... Boy was this an eye opener for me. I am wondering how much of my depression right now is food related.... Just my body retaliating to the junk I've digested all these years.
So with all that said, yesterday I tried something foreign to me. For breakfast, I had granola..(yes higher in carbs and processed but wanted to see reaction to it) with 1/4c of fat free milk. No true reaction to it, but did find it kept me feeling full and pretty decent for most of the morning. Lunch was a couple of hotdogs (beef) with cheese.... Both processed foods... immediate headache and body ache. WOW.... mid afternoon was fruit (watermelon, cantaloupe and pineapple)... I felt awesome afterwards. Bright eyed and bushy tailed....Higher in sugar and carbs than I'd like but wanted to see how I felt after having some **natural occuring sugars** Dinner was 6oz filet mignon on the grill with 1/4c green beans and 1/4c of rice a roni (only processed food at dinner)..... After dinner, I got a headache again, felt lethargic and basically did not feel like doing anything. Again, very eye opening for me.
I'm going to try each day doing something different and slowly getting anything (anything that doesn't NATURALLY come from a source) processed out of my life. I am truely starting to believe that food companies are tied into the pharmacutical companies and are using our foods to make and keep us sick. HUGE REVELATION HERE FOR ME!!!!
Hope this finds everyone doing great and enjoying their weekend. I'm currently at work. (BOOOHISS), but I only work one weekend every 3 weeks and I get off a day during the week, which helps with appointments for doctors, dentist, and just a mental health break.... Sometimes you need that day off during the week to recoupe.....This was definitely one of those weeks for me. I sent one of my best friends an email, very short of saying I needed to be in the hospital for depression. I really thought/felt I was going to end up in there for depression. I see my Dr. and therapist this coming week and am going to discuss changing or uping my meds (wondering if since I had RNY if I am not absorbing all the anti-depressant the way I should)..... all I know is I've been down/sad/depressed for about 3 weeks and that is definitely not me. Normally when I have an "episode" due to my bipolar, I go manic although I cycle every 4-5 days normally. I've learned to live with the 4-5 day cycling as normal for me.....but being down and feeling like doing nothing but crying.... not me. It's also gotten to the point that it's scaring Reggie a bit. Not that he wants to leave, he keeps asking what he can do to make me "happy again"... I wish it was that easy.
I am starting to also learn that my food choices are affecting my moods in a very negative way.. both biologically and emotionally. I've kept a mood journal since Tuesday of the foods I've eaten and the way I've felt before and after eating. Junk, processed foods, sugar, refined flour, anything processed in general is giving me a false feeling of good for about 30 minutes. After that, I don't want to say I crash, but my body rebels. I feel horrible. My joints hurt, I get an instant headache, I feel tired and lethargic, (I end up popping caffiene pills to wake up, stay awake, get thru the afternoon after the processed food).... Boy was this an eye opener for me. I am wondering how much of my depression right now is food related.... Just my body retaliating to the junk I've digested all these years.
So with all that said, yesterday I tried something foreign to me. For breakfast, I had granola..(yes higher in carbs and processed but wanted to see reaction to it) with 1/4c of fat free milk. No true reaction to it, but did find it kept me feeling full and pretty decent for most of the morning. Lunch was a couple of hotdogs (beef) with cheese.... Both processed foods... immediate headache and body ache. WOW.... mid afternoon was fruit (watermelon, cantaloupe and pineapple)... I felt awesome afterwards. Bright eyed and bushy tailed....Higher in sugar and carbs than I'd like but wanted to see how I felt after having some **natural occuring sugars** Dinner was 6oz filet mignon on the grill with 1/4c green beans and 1/4c of rice a roni (only processed food at dinner)..... After dinner, I got a headache again, felt lethargic and basically did not feel like doing anything. Again, very eye opening for me.
I'm going to try each day doing something different and slowly getting anything (anything that doesn't NATURALLY come from a source) processed out of my life. I am truely starting to believe that food companies are tied into the pharmacutical companies and are using our foods to make and keep us sick. HUGE REVELATION HERE FOR ME!!!!
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Good to see the food journal is helping hopefully it will get to the bottom of things and improve your mental and physical health.
Ive been on nights again and blown myself off plan. I cant explain how hard nights is on the body but as I get older its getting harder. Once again though Ive not really enjoyed it nor has it helped how tired and low in energy i feel so its jst not worth it. Back on tomorrow i think0 -
Lise, I've never been good at working afternoon/evening shifts, so I can't even imagine working nights. I've done over night a few times when I worked in the grocery store. NOT GOOD. Wreaked havoc on me for days.
Just keep on plugging along one meal at a time.0 -
Its taken years to learn to lose weight on nights but it still messes with my appetite and will power0
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Cari,
One of the things I've noticed is that as I burn more fat, the fat releases hormones which throws me all out of mental whack, so to speak. So, when you talk with your doc about adjusting those meds, keep this in mind and ask about it. Particularly estrogen is released, and if you're anything like me at all, I was already estrogen dominant, which means with extra estrogen, I become a walking psychotic raving lunatic until my body balances things back out. Inositol (B8) really helps me balance out more. It is one of the few supplements that kind of swings back and forth with us and rides the roller coaster of *awesome* female hormones with us. It naturally occurs in our bodies, but most overweight people, overweight women in particular, don't produce or convert enough of it to do the job it needs to do. So just some food for thought. It is included in the better B-Complex formulas, but not generally in the quantities needed for balancing hormones. It has been shown to improve depression, anxiety, bipolar, pcos, diabetes, and all manner of things affect, triggered, or caused by hormone imbalances. There are a huge number of doses that it can be administered in, but I personally have found that the only medications it seems to interfere with are hormonal medications (like my hormonal birth control pills), so I just regulate on a lower dose than most. It even has applications in brain function and all that...
I'm glad that the food journal is helping, but I worry that it is triggering your worsening spiral by making things feel even more hopeless and inescapable... Are you still doing your daily thankfulness logs, too? I think that if we dwell on only those things that are negative, then we keep ourselves from being able to be positive about anything...
Lise, I can't imagine going back to working swing or night shifts, even though I'm naturally a night person. When I worked fast food management, I worked crazy hours, sometimes back to back or polar opposites in a week. Luckily, back then, I was much younger and could swing back. I can't imagine facing that now...
Hugs,
Carly0 -
Carly, I'll reintroduce my b-complex to my regular vitamins I take. Right now I take opti-source complete vit for bariatric pts, they are supposed to be complete and my blood work was normal last time done, so..... Hopefully it helps even me out some.... I just know that I'm down and I know it's not just "being sad".
I've sorta let the thankfulness logs go for the time being. Finding that my ramblings are more helpful for me at least right now. I guess I need to take a day (as a night wouldn't be long enough to journal everything) and just journal and get it all out. Sometimes I feel as though if I do this, it will just let more problems in or surface.... See, right now...I'm to the point that getting out of bed in the mornings is a CHORE. Showering, teeth, you name it... CHORE. But I do it. I go thru the motions as I know that I have to. I can't stay in bed as it won't help at all. It would only make the situation worse.0 -
carimiller7391 wrote: »Carly, I'll reintroduce my b-complex to my regular vitamins I take. Right now I take opti-source complete vit for bariatric pts, they are supposed to be complete and my blood work was normal last time done, so..... Hopefully it helps even me out some.... I just know that I'm down and I know it's not just "being sad".
I've sorta let the thankfulness logs go for the time being. Finding that my ramblings are more helpful for me at least right now. I guess I need to take a day (as a night wouldn't be long enough to journal everything) and just journal and get it all out. Sometimes I feel as though if I do this, it will just let more problems in or surface.... See, right now...I'm to the point that getting out of bed in the mornings is a CHORE. Showering, teeth, you name it... CHORE. But I do it. I go thru the motions as I know that I have to. I can't stay in bed as it won't help at all. It would only make the situation worse.
Oh, girl. Let me tell you something. People have never understood this about me. I hate self-care. It is an abysmal chore of a time suck that never makes me feel better. People say they feel great after a shower. If I'm lucky, I have that feeling maybe 10% of the time. Brushing my teeth is a must, but because it actually keeps me from drinking enough water, not for any "good feeling" I get from doing it. I have ***ALWAYS*** felt this way.
Honestly, it is all less of a pain in the @$$ when I'm feeling more on my game, but it is never fun or enjoyable for me in the way that others describe it. All of that is as abstract as a fantasy novel with flying dragons is to me. Washing my face, fixing my hair, shaving unwanted hair, applying any sort of makeup...all of it is dreaded.
I do the abject "I don't give a F. Let me lay here for all eternity." thing going on semi-regularly. I'm far more likely to go into raving lunatic mode, but I hit that wall of "cannot be bothered to give a crap" mode periodically. And like you say, it's not down. It's "Oh, the world is going to end unless I get a shower? Sorry." or "I can stop a bus full of school children from exploding with a bomb by getting to work? Let me think ... *bomb sound in background* ... well, I was thinking about it..." I don't mean to be harsh or overly dramatic...but gosh darn it all if I don't just feel that way sometimes.
I do believe in the fake it until you make it principle. Eventually something has to give. I have faith in that tenet... And if telling yourself it won't help to stay in bed gets you moving, you're better off than many of us!
I read these and I could not think of a better way to describe it all sometimes. I actually helped me understand and accept my fiance's struggles better...
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
I just wanna send you a careful hug, if you want it... I hope you get to where you want to be.0 -
And this was the way my brain went this morning, in responding to someone else's struggle...
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/KnitOrMiss/view/worth-fighting-for-7518030 -
Thanks Carly. Being able to get thru a day without wanting to ball my eyes out is a start.0
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carimiller7391 wrote: »Thanks Carly. Being able to get thru a day without wanting to ball my eyes out is a start.
Even crying is too much effort some days. For real.0 -
Fake it until you make it; keep seeing your shrink; take your meds; EXERCISE, even if you don't want to (especially if you don't want to). That's all we can do.
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Fake it until you make it; keep seeing your shrink; take your meds; EXERCISE, even if you don't want to (especially if you don't want to). That's all we can do.
Real and valid points. I often have 'stare at the wall for hours' days then I kick myself for being a poor excuse for a Mama. But you know what. My kids adore my anyway so I cant be all bad. So I stop staring at the wall and I hug them and stare at them for a while instead til the bad feeling goes away. I agree, keep going even when you cant, especially when you cant because suddenly you find you got to where you wanted to be. And exercise!!!
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