losing weight after anorexia

talliepants

After struggling with anorexia for what felt like forever, I've been at a healthy (or just over heathy) weight for about five or six years. I know it's very common for people who maintain a dangerously low weight through eating disorder behaviors to spend a little time on the higher end of heathy for a while, and with a lot of support I stayed in recovery with only a few relapses for these last few years.

Now that I'm confident that I'm not going to relapse - and that if I do I have the support system in place to manage it - I'm trying to get back to a healthy weight where I feel comfortable and can be active. I'm a ballet dancer, and while I only do it for fun these days, it's difficult to dance at my level of experience without my heavier body holding me back.

I've been doing ok so far. I feel good about where I'm at and not going overboard. However...

When I was deep in my disorder, I watched the pounds just fall off. It was due to incredibly dangerous behaviors of course, so I would not expect or want that again. But now when I stall in my weight loss or even gain a little (which I know is totally normal in this whole healthy weight loss thing!) my old eating disorder voices come back saying "well, you know there IS a way to avoid this, you're just too weak to lose weight the way you used to." I know it's not my voice, not really, and I know how to ignore it - but damn it's so frustrating that it sneaks back in there.

Has anyone else experienced this? That nagging voice that tells you that losing weight the right way, the healthy way, the safe way...is in fact the wrong way, the weak way, the way that will somehow do exactly the opposite of what you want and make you gain a million pounds even when you know it's really working well.

I'd love to hear anyone's advice for shaking that voice or talking back to it. It's not so bad that it's triggering relapses or anywhere close to it, but UGH it's so annoying! That whole "I thought I was done with you" kind of feeling, you know?

JASwirsky

I absolutely know what you're talking about. A few years back I went to a treatment center that was completely different than any other I had been to before. They don't use bmi, they go by your natural weight by looking at all past medical documentation & they have you accept the fact that a calorie is a calorie is a calorie. We counted our calories, which seemed it would be a epic and triggering fail, but actually gave me my longest period of recovery. I had a difficult time gaining at first because I was on an ng tube for a few weeks and my body wasn't used to not have constant caloric intake. I got up to a very large number of calories, which was very painful at first (emotionally and physically), but after a while I got used to it. Meanwhile, 3 months later after I was discharged, my body was now used to this large amount of calories, but I didn't need to gain anymore. In order to not relapse, I stuck to my meal plans. I lowered my calories, per doctors orders, but then I found myself hungry or found myself comfortable to eat higher in fat or calorie foods is that's what there was. I soon was at almost my highest weight, which technically wasn't even that that much, but about 10-14 pounds over my 2-4 pound range that my weight typically just stays at.
Basically, my point here is that when you are trying to tone up or just "lose a few pounds," which we all know are dangerous words in our heads, it is difficult. I am trying to do that now & I (stupidly) am weighing myself every night and counting my calories, but I maintained two days in a row and "gained" .5 pounds from yesterday. My reaction? Pissed off at myself. Did I overeat yesterday? Not at all. Could it have just been my water intake or not pooping or something? Absolutely. Does it still bother me? 100%. Is my ED telling me to limit my calories even more and maybe go towards old habits? 10000%. Am I going to? I sure hope not. Will losing a few pounds always be like this for me? I sure hope not.
Best of luck to you, girly. Feel free to reach out as I think we are in a similar boat.

cynast

im also a recovered ed and wld like to lose weight now!

lizhope1

Well, are you overweight? If you are not unhealthy, then maybe you shouldn't lose weight or even know your weight! Maybe it's ED talking that you want to lose weight. I formerly had an ED and am now BMI 23.5ish though I rarely weigh... yeah i'm not a rail and i have fat on my body, but my body is healthy! And my mind is too... so i choose to focus on healthy and not my size

fattybattyy

I know this feeling all too well...and I'm struggling a lot. Not pessimistic though and working with my therapist. It's so hard. Especially after that initial weight gain after starting recovery (whether it be inpatient or outpatient). I have a great support system (my best friend and boyfriend) but sometimes even they can't help because they don't know what it's like. Anyways, I'm going to go ahead and add you because I'd like more similar, recovery-minded people in my friends list (not that the people I already have aren't fantastic).

smpomg

Yes! I don't know if I'll ever consider myself recovered even though I talk about my ed in the past tense. The voice is always there. I can't have a scale in the house, I inevitably become obsessed with it. I counted my calories here for months and months and lost 20 lbs perfectly healthfully, and then a switch went off in my head and food tracking became obsessive and anxiety-ridden. I stopped food tracking, and the voice quieted back down. I haven't gained or lost weight, and I haven't binged or restricted in ages, but the voice is just as loud as it ever was, sometimes. Less and less infrequently, and it's less and less distressing, but it's still there.