I performed a social experiment...

OS_KAT

on Tinder, which I realize is not the ideal platform for dating. However, I was getting really sick of making matches and then never hearing from any of the guys except the ones who were looking to hookup. So I started thinking, maybe I need to reach out to them!

I just messaged each of them one liners, somewhat witty, not too flirtatious. I immediately had to block three of them, two of them expressed mild interest, and one is actually turning out to be really cool. Oddly enough, he is the one who whom I messaged the least interesting opener "I like your glasses."

I'm starting to realize that a lot of guys don't really even bother on dating sites anymore because they never hear back from the girls. Taking charge a little bit is ok, because it means that I am not having to rely on the pool of guys who do message me. I can find the ones I personally like and therefore have much better odds of clicking with someone. Perhaps not the most groundbreaking of experiments, but I know it is hard for us girls to break out of the "traditional" mindset of sitting back and waiting for a man to notice us and then picking the one we like the most. Thoughts?

lacroyx

Haven't done Tinder or any of the dating site/apps however, when you mentioned your Tinder experiment thing, it reminded me of an article I read about a app called Bumble. It's pretty much like Tinder but girls have to initiate contact first. http://techcrunch.com/2014/12/02/bumble-is-exactly-like-tinder-except-girls-are-in-charge/

OS_KAT

Hmm I have never heard of that one! Maybe I will check it out

court_alacarte

i was on bumble. it was okay... i think the response rate is worse than on tinder, though; guys get a big head. plus it's also kind of glitchy and slow most times.

or maybe i'm just ugly. i dunno XD haha!

honestly, most of the guys i run into only really use tinder when they're bored. when they have 10 minutes to kill, they just start swiping with no intention of really pursuing anything. then of course if you actually do land a date, more often than not, they're still very aloof.

it's 2015, go ahead and message the guy. especially if you have the correct mindset for tinder--that you're not looking for your next husband--what do you have to lose?

if you REALLY want guys messaging you out the wazoo, get on okcupid.

flimflamfloz

OS_KAT wrote: »

I'm starting to realize that a lot of guys don't really even bother on dating sites anymore because they never hear back from the girls. Taking charge a little bit is ok, because it means that I am not having to rely on the pool of guys who do message me. I can find the ones I personally like and therefore have much better odds of clicking with someone. Perhaps not the most groundbreaking of experiments, but I know it is hard for us girls to break out of the "traditional" mindset of sitting back and waiting for a man to notice us and then picking the one we like the most. Thoughts?

Yep, I absolutely agree for the exact same reasons (and on these subforums too - "back in the days" that is).

I will tell you what I kept hearing though:
- "Yes, but I'm scared of rejection" (=> Good for you then, settle for what is offered to you only - but don't complain if that's not what you want)
- "I'm a traditional lady. It's the man who should do the asking." (=> Times have changed unfortunately - they say things come back in fashion though. So maybe you will have better luck in 100 years!)

Anyway, as a man I don't complain too much since I can (traditionally) contact the women I prefer all the time without feeling any "pressure" (if there ever was any for women to do so - aside from self-imposed limits).

Also you mentioned why I hate online dating - it's just too difficult (as a man, and probably woman to an extent) if you are not way above average physically to get an answer.

If you are "average", as a man you have to put waaaaay to much effort to be able to achieve anything if you are focused (that is: picky with who you contact).
So then you change your strategy to "number's game" stuff - let's see what happens and I don't give a *kitten*.
And then everyone complains because they can't find their "perfect partners". Online dating is fake.

OS_KAT

@court_alacarte -- my next husband? I'm not that old! Looking for my first

OS_KAT

@flimflamfloz -- it's funny that you say that about men having to be way above average. I think most women feel that way about themselves (me included) and it holds us back from going after what we want.

You're right, online dating is fake. However, it does entertain me when I want to perform my social experiments!

I tend to do pretty well with online dating, tbh. Part of it is that I am a good conversationalist, and part of it is that I really don't feel any pressure to find the love of my life, so I say whatever the hell I want and they usually like it

flimflamfloz

OS_KAT wrote: »

@flimflamfloz -- it's funny that you say that about men having to be way above average. I think most women feel that way about themselves (me included) and it holds us back from going after what we want.

You're right, online dating is fake. However, it does entertain me when I want to perform my social experiments!

I tend to do pretty well with online dating, tbh. Part of it is that I am a good conversationalist, and part of it is that I really don't feel any pressure to find the love of my life, so I say whatever the hell I want and they usually like it

I think I'm quite a good conversationalist myself (I hope so at least)... But I feel I fare better in person.

I find chats/emails a bit dry really, and it's difficult to generate "proper attraction" (beside "mental" attraction) - when I think attraction should be at the same time mental, physical and also emotional.

So I never really know how to get things started or create the initial interest with online dating...
If it was possible and that easy, I'd rather meet in person all the people I'm interested in just for a coffee or something. I find I can screen people so much more easily in person via small cues.

Though I'm not trying too hard at the moment with online dating - so I can't quite complain if it doesn't work.

OS_KAT

I used to be horrible with online stuff, but I have had a bit of practice with it at this point, and I like to think that my personality shines through a bit even over text

I think that ideally, in person is best, but thinking over my most recent relationships, most of them started online. For me, I felt more comfortable getting the preliminary stuff out of the way over text and then going to phone calls, etc. to eventually meeting. I still have insecurities over my appearance, even though I don't let it hold me back from dating, and I like to have that little bit of security right at first.

court_alacarte

OS_KAT wrote: »

@court_alacarte -- my next husband? I'm not that old! Looking for my first

wow... i have NO idea why i typed "next" LOL so sorry, didn't mean any offense. i don't know what i was thinking while i was responding... most likely it was about food, though.

OS_KAT wrote: »

For me, I felt more comfortable getting the preliminary stuff out of the way over text and then going to phone calls, etc. to eventually meeting.

me too. i like this because you do get a sense of the person--albeit superficial most times--but i've had experiences where the guy has come off way too crude or immature or revealed something about himself over text (that wasn't disclosed on his profile) that was a total deal-breaker for me and ultimately saved us the time and money from figuring this out over a date or two.

i.e. one time i was texting with a guy for a couple of days before our date and come to find out that he has a 2-year-old daughter... thanks for divulging that tidbit on your profile, buddy! (not)

another time--once again over text--this guy said that he broke up with his girlfriend a year ago but still goes to visit her 4-year-old daughter (*not his*, mind you) because the child basically grew up calling him "daddy" and he feels too guilty to cut all ties... NOPE! not willing to be the sous chef in that recipe for drama.

flimflamfloz

court_alacarte wrote: »

me too. i like this because you do get a sense of the person--albeit superficial most times--but i've had experiences where the guy has come off way too crude or immature or revealed something about himself over text (that wasn't disclosed on his profile) that was a total deal-breaker for me and ultimately saved us the time and money from figuring this out over a date or two.

i.e. one time i was texting with a guy for a couple of days before our date and come to find out that he has a 2-year-old daughter... thanks for divulging that tidbit on your profile, buddy! (not)

I'd expect most people to say if they have children - although I can totally understand if they don't want to advertise it all over their profile (I think this gives a bad vibe personally, we understand your children are the most important thing in your life but you're not looking for a babysitter).
That's why most online dating websites have a section where you can tell if you have children or not - so it is one of the first things I usually check in someone's profile.

OS_KAT

court_alacarte wrote: »

OS_KAT wrote: »

@court_alacarte -- my next husband? I'm not that old! Looking for my first

wow... i have NO idea why i typed "next" LOL so sorry, didn't mean any offense. i don't know what i was thinking while i was responding... most likely it was about food, though.

OS_KAT wrote: »

For me, I felt more comfortable getting the preliminary stuff out of the way over text and then going to phone calls, etc. to eventually meeting.

me too. i like this because you do get a sense of the person--albeit superficial most times--but i've had experiences where the guy has come off way too crude or immature or revealed something about himself over text (that wasn't disclosed on his profile) that was a total deal-breaker for me and ultimately saved us the time and money from figuring this out over a date or two.

i.e. one time i was texting with a guy for a couple of days before our date and come to find out that he has a 2-year-old daughter... thanks for divulging that tidbit on your profile, buddy! (not)

another time--once again over text--this guy said that he broke up with his girlfriend a year ago but still goes to visit her 4-year-old daughter (*not his*, mind you) because the child basically grew up calling him "daddy" and he feels too guilty to cut all ties... NOPE! not willing to be the sous chef in that recipe for drama.

No worries! I meant to put a smiley face, but it didn't show up for some reason! I really need to figure out this forum -- it isn't very user friendly. As for the kid thing, I had that happen too!! The kid wasn't even his son, but as soon as his ex snapped her fingers and told him that "his son" was sick or needed to be watched, he would go running. Um, no.

People need to be honest when it comes to having children. It isn't necessarily a deal breaker, but I am young and have no children. I don't think that I absolutely have to shoulder mommy responsibities just yet. Maybe I'm just selfish

taco_inspector

Selfish or not, it's entirely your decision to make. Why are people so publicly deceptive about such simple things? It's such an odd behavior if the goal is any type of trusting relationship. I may never understand.