Need help from the Vets
TN_Tinker
Posts: 143 Member
Has any of you struggled with the fear of the unwanted sexual attention you get from becoming thin? I am discovering that is one of the reasons I have self-sabotaged all my other efforts. I am only 4 months out and not even half way to goal. I am in a long term relationship, but I am already getting advances that I do feel I have done anything to bring on. It makes me want to hide. I have been hiding behind my fat for 30 years. I am scared and feel vulnerable. I feel I should be feeling empowered and strong at this point and my fears are robbing me of it. Any advice would help, but if not at least let me know if anyone else had experienced this.
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I'm not so much afraid of attention from the opposite sex, so not sure my response will help, but I do know about hiding behind a wall of fat. Around 30 is when I started packing on the pounds, stopped going to the gym regularly and kept eating poorly. My choices in men weren't great in my younger years and I felt taken advantage of at "my good weight" so I believe I started to hide behind my fat. My last relationship two years ago, he was very heavy too so I didn't feel judged but my self esteem was all time low. Hopefully someone else will chime in with their thoughts. You definitely need to feel empowered though in your new body. You deserve to feel in control.0
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I can't say I necessarily struggled with the fear of getting attention from the opposite sex, but getting attention was an adjustment for sure, especially being seen as attractive or sexy, because I didn't feel that way for so long. . It's definitely new territory along with so much other new territory that comes with losing weight and shifting into the "normal" zone. It's was confusing to me to be seen in this different light and in some cases I was resentful, because I felt like, hey, I am still ME, and NOW you are paying attention to me? I I understand how it can make you feel uncomfortable when the attention is unwanted, I have felt that way too, but over time I have really learned to be confident and strong and I don't let anyone's unwelcome advances get under my skin. There are so many things to learn on this journey, and so many different phases we go through, and for a lot of women, this is one of them. There is just SO much change all around. It can take a while to get our footing, but things will fall into place and you will be more comfortable and strong when it comes to dealing with the attention. Give yourself time, and don't be hard on yourself. There is no schedule or instructions when it comes to dealing with so many issues on this journey, but boy I could have used both!0
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Tink: Unwanted or unwelcome? Think about the difference because it matters. If you are becoming more healthly and in better shape you will hold yourself different. This change of posture is positive and will be attractive to others.0
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I am talking about getting creeped on. Stalked! I had a fellow I do not know follow me and it scared me to death. I was walking my dog on our usual path and when we turned around to go back the way we came going around the corner of the building and there he was. He stopped dead in his tracks and looked up in the air like he was suddenly looking up in the sky. I am not talking about mild manner flirting here.0
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I am talking about getting creeped on. Stalked! I had a fellow I do not know follow me and it scared me to death. I was walking my dog on our usual path and when we turned around to go back the way we came going around the corner of the building and there he was. He stopped dead in his tracks and looked up in the air like he was suddenly looking up in the sky. I am not talking about mild manner flirting here.
Yikes! So sorry you had this experience. I was told that once I lost the weight I would have to deal with lots of "unwanted" male attention. Has not happened. Not once. Honestly, I am a little disappointed (please do not misunderstand, I do NOT want to be stalked!)- it would not be so bad to every once in awhile have some guy flirt a little. But NOTHING. Zip. Nada. People talk about feeling like they were "invisible" when they were fat-- I feel that way thin. Just sayin.0 -
Tink: Very different situation. Personal security is a serious issue.
Thaeda: That's surprising, you are quite "Flirt-Worthy".0 -
I was told that once I lost the weight I would have to deal with lots of "unwanted" male attention. Has not happened. Not once. Honestly, I am a little disappointed (please do not misunderstand, I do NOT want to be stalked!)- it would not be so bad to every once in awhile have some guy flirt a little. But NOTHING. Zip. Nada. People talk about feeling like they were "invisible" when they were fat-- I feel that way thin. Just sayin. [/quote]
^^^ This is so me too. Though I am married, it would be nice to at least be noticed by someone other than him, but nothing. My husband's probably happy about that.. LOL
Tink - So sorry to hear you are dealing with stalking! Please be careful!! That is just a horribly scary situation...
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Tink, If this occurred more than one time, call the police! This might be related to your weight loss, it might not be. Stalking is not the same as "normal" advances from the opposite sex. This is a personal safety issue as DJRonnieLINY mentioned. Please take care of yourself.0
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DJRonnieLINY wrote: »Thaeda: That's surprising, you are quite "Flirt-Worthy".
Well, thanks!
Stephaniev51697 wrote: »^^^ This is so me too. Though I am married, it would be nice to at least be noticed by someone other than him, but nothing. My husband's probably happy about that.. LOL
Good to know I am not alone!
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Tink - Have you thought of getting a palm sized pepper spray to take on your walks? It might give you peace of mind in case this happens again.
Thaeda - I know the feeling, I almost feel more invisible than I did before!0 -
Tink, that's scary and you are right to be concerned. I agree, this is not weight related, although if he has a type, you may now be "fitting" into it. If he shows up again, call the police, carry your phone with you at all times and maybe vary your route.
Thaeda/Stephanie, I too kind of expected a little more positive attention as I started looking better. Of course I keep forgetting that I'm 59, so less "fliry worthy" than you younger gals. So nothing for me. Although as I blogged last year (I think) I am no longer invisible. People, men and women, whom I do not know talk to me all the time. I know it's because I feel better about myself and how I look, so it makes me more approachable.
On the flip side, the husband was concerned about this as the weight came off and I startd looking better, so for his peace of mind, I have always had on some type of wedding ring. My real ones are way too big and I won't have them sized until I'm done losing, so I have had a few stand in rings as the weight came off and the ring size changed. It makes him feel better knowing I'm wearing my "taken" sign.
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So here goes from my humble perspective. 1st and formost Tink your worhty of the attention, you have come a long way and part of the journey is confronting the things that scared us that now have made us strong. 2nd as far as the stalker goes. As a retired LE person I will tell you that yes this is very serious. You should carry Pepper Spray a Wistle and take your phone with you to call 911 if necessary. You can also take some self defense classes to add to your exercise routines it will be a double win in that corner. The Surgery takes care of the Physical changes but you do need to address the Psychological changes too. Take care of your mental and or Spirutal health.
Ill keep this from being a lecture but hang in there and believe in yourself and all of us are changing. Change is good! Just make sure you cover all aspects of your life. Be nice to yourself and allow yourself to have fun.0 -
So here goes from my humble perspective. 1st and formost Tink your worhty of the attention, you have come a long way and part of the journey is confronting the things that scared us that now have made us strong. 2nd as far as the stalker goes. As a retired LE person I will tell you that yes this is very serious. You should carry Pepper Spray a Wistle and take your phone with you to call 911 if necessary. You can also take some self defense classes to add to your exercise routines it will be a double win in that corner. The Surgery takes care of the Physical changes but you do need to address the Psychological changes too. Take care of your mental and or Spirutal health.
Ill keep this from being a lecture but hang in there and believe in yourself and all of us are changing. Change is good! Just make sure you cover all aspects of your life. Be nice to yourself and allow yourself to have fun.
I start a self-defense class on Oct. 5 and am going to a therapist on Friday. rscpjim you are so right.0 -
@Stephanie - I'd say you were "flirt worthy" too but since you live so close I'd hate to give the wrong impression should you see me riding my bike nearby. lol0
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DJRonnieLINY wrote: »@Stephanie - I'd say you were "flirt worthy" too but since you live so close I'd hate to give the wrong impression should you see me riding my bike nearby. lol Thanks! and I promise not to stalk you.... lol 0
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This is excellent, Tink!I start a self-defense class on Oct. 5 and am going to a therapist on Friday. rscpjim you are so right.
I don't know if this is overkill, but sometimes people don't take scary situations seriously, because "it won't happen to me." If this is serious, be prepared.
Before you walk:- Walk with a friend?
- Carry a walking stick.
- Carry a sock full of coins.
- Get a pepper spray.
- Practice using them. Know what to do. Be ready to use them immediately. Hesitation makes them useless.
Before he gets too close:- Take a picture of him and email it to a friend.
- Open your pepper spray, have it ready in your hand.
- Put your key chain in your fist, with the keys sticking out between your clenched fingers.
- Dial 911 & be ready to push "send" fast.
If he's getting too close:- Walk down the middle of the street -or- Turn around -or- Jaywalk -or- Cross to the other side of the street and wait for him to pass you by -- If he follows you, watch out!
- Yell at him to back off.
- Call 911 and tell him police are coming.
- Go to an occupied house and pound on the door and ask them to call 911.
- Be very ready to save yourself.
If he attacks:- Spray his eyes.
- Yell at him! Yell to the world. Let your dog know this is bad.
- Fight, act crazy, run - whatever your instinct tells you is right!
Good to know self defense, but don't let it make you think you're invulnerable. He may know it too. Be aware. Be vigilant. Don't carry a knife - too easy for them to get it away from you.
Don't be shy. Don't worry about being polite. You've got nothing to lose, and a lot to save. Don't think about acting. Practice. Be ready to act without thinking first.
Been there, done that (before I lost weight). Don't want you to ever...0 -
Note to self: never approach Tink to ask for directions......0
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Awesome advice Paula! I will walk downtown during the lunch hour on my own, but stick to open and occupied areas. I will walk my neighborhood, but same thing, open areas with heavily traveled streets. Walking any trail I always have at least one other adult with me. I won't even walk the trails with the grandkids unless there's another adult along. Be smart, stay safe.0
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I appreciate the safety advice and I will follow it when I can. Do understand I live in the country and public places are few and far between. My question, however, was about the fear of such things keeping you from getting thin. This fear, this situation is what brought to the forfront of my mnd one of the reasons I ate. From past ugly experiences like this and worse. I have a carry permit and I guess the extra weight of a 9mm would mean more calories lol but that was not at all the point of the original post.0
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if you ever have to use the 9mm, aim for the torso. it's the largest target and the easiest to hit when you're scared. don't try to "shoot to wound" by trying to hit an arm or leg, you'll only miss. and yes, you will be scared; if you're not, well.....0
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Oh, I obviously missed your point. I too had some scary/nasty things happen to me as a kid, but I didn't start gaining until my 20's and really don't think for me my gain was about anything more than being a glutten, eating more than I needed whenever I felt like it and being too lazy to exercise. But I see your point. And yeah, carrying the 9mm would add a couple more pounds and translate to higher calorie burn! :-)0
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I've struggled with being touched and talked to (social anxiety) for a big chunk of my adult life. I know that I've worn my weight as a shield. As I've lost weight, not only have more people felt free to comment on my appearance (not negatively, just "hey, you're looking good!") but they *touch* me more. It's disconcerting and very uncomfortable. My husband has always been physically affectionate, but now I feel like that's increased, too. No one has done anything inappropriate (I would be very afraid if I felt someone was following me like what happened to you!), but it still takes a lot of getting used to. It can be hard to know when I should respect and enforce my boundaries, and when I should stretch myself to get a little closer to "normal" in how I relate physically with others.0
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5Beautifuldays, you have come very close to what I am feeling. I am glad to read that someone else feels like I do. I was beginning to think I was a freak or something lol It is heard when the shield comes down. Knowing if it's your imagination or if someone is really violating your personal space.
I hate that I can not feel free to feel pretty without feeling like I am making myself more attractive to the freaks. I guess I just have to find a new way to deal with the freaks and my fears because I am not going back behind the shield. I have worked and fought to hard to get this far!0 -
Not a doctor but this was a frequent and popluar topic at the group meetings I attended during this process.
Each of us have our own personal resons why we gained weight. Treating the root cause is just as important as gaining the new "tool" our surgeon created. Social anxiety was a common root cause.0
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