Doctor appointment

carimiller7391

I went to see my bariatric surgeon on Wednesday. My weight there was 288.0. I've lost 16 lbs since last time I seen him. I am so excited. He says I'm doing well, although losing slowly, he's please by my progress. He mentioned that I'll be a success as I'm not losing so quickly that my body can't keep up with it and rebound gain. YEAH!!!!!

I am so excited by this. I truly was starting to believe I made the wrong decision, having my insides rearranged. I did admit to him that once the RD gave me permission to start eating crackers again... (no bread, toast, bagels, etc until month 6).. but crackers at month 3, that I think I completely screwed up and ate more carbs in the form of crackers than I did protein. I truly believe that's where my downfall started and I hit a brick wall for 10 weeks straight. Then Carly, ya darling, explained about low carb and told me about the LC daily forum. I joined, I read, I asked questions and more questions and more questions..... until I felt like I understood.

Now... I'm hear to state that today 09/10/15 I am starting VLCHFMP. I thought I had a grasp on it before, but now, I have more knowledge and the consent of my doctor. He actually said when I mentioned going into NK (Nutritional ketosis) that I need to watch my electrolytes (Sound familiar Carly??? LOL).....and watch as I start to feel the best ever of my life.

KnitOrMiss

Cari,

I don't know how to sum up exactly what reading this post did for me today. I'm teary-eyed, goose-pimpled, and grinning like a cat who just got the bowl of cream.

I've been struggling myself lately with feeling like a total fraud. Sure I've lost 70 some odd pounds in the last 10 years or so. But I lost OVER HALF of that without a plan, without working too hard. A good chunk of it I think was stress relief from getting out of a miserable marriage. I don't feel like I did much of anything to earn it.

I have people come to me for advice. I'm great with advice. I can help everyone else under the sun easier and more diligently and succinctly than I can help myself, but I know most of us are built that way. Yet, here I am. A year ago June, I weighed around 240 pounds. I was eating a typical Standard American Diet, watching my calories, and all that, and I burned out. Badly. I roughly maintained all the way through the holidays, with a slow gain - mostly holiday indulgences - back up to 262. It's crazy, but this seemed reasonable. Most people don't gain 22 pounds in 6-7 months and think that is normal, do they? I just realized how disordered my thinking about weight in stating that. SIGH

At that point, on 1/15/15, I decided to embark, at the suggestion of my PCP (who had been on me about changing for years) and my Endocrinologist (who tied the need to specific health conditions), following a hellacious chocolate binge that was just beyond ridiculous, on a journey into low carbing it. I did not expect it to work. I did not expect it to change my life. And I didn't expect to be able to stick with it.

On 2/18/15, I made the decision to step up my efforts to work toward Nutritional Ketosis, and I've had a good deal of success. By the end of March/beginning of April, I was back down to 240. BUT, I hit a brick wall. I worked a 4 day event out doors where my water and electrolytes got all kinds of screwed up and I just stalled. I gained back into the 250's, going up then down, then up, then down, by 10 pounds or more. I've hit 240 twice since then...once in May, and once in June. Right now, I'm in the mid 240's, and I just can't seem to get my game back fully. Just about the time I think I'm hitting a stride, something else throws me off.

I advocate LCHFMP to most everyone I speak with. I claim successes I've hit, but I don't always mention the set backs, or the laps I feel like I'm running around the gym right now. This lifestyle has literally changed my quality of life for the better, but my food addictions and the compulsions/cravings that stem from my condition of Insulin Resistance seem to wax and wane. It is something that is slowing driving me insane, but I am not currently strong enough to take the step off the deep end and leave behind all the things that are causing me to do this creep cycle-insanity loop thing. It's even more terrifying now that it was to dive into the deep end of low carb.

I think this inner battle I'm fighting is indicative of all my issues. It's sadly simple: I don't believe I can fully succeed, and therefore, any time I make a success of any type, my subconscious fights back to undermine me, putting me back to the comfort zone of my little cycle. Because I truly know myself in some ways, I don't feel success will ever be mine or ever be deserved, so I fulfill that cycle - I don't allow myself to succeed. I'm sincerely not sure how to break this bit for now, but... I'm still here...

That all being said, it is the reminders of folks like you that make me both jealous and motivated. You, and all your inner strength, you are a lot of what I aspire to be... I know that sounds odd, and I'm sure from your perspective, a little skewed, but it is what it is...

I feel like a fraud. I feel like a failure. And I'm scared as he!! to keep trying...yet somehow, I can't give up completely... Hearing the words from others don't help. It just makes me feel like more of a fraud. I keep up the bright happy face, the hopeful outlook, and yet, I still feel boxed in to my own unbeatable reality... I guess this is my own Kobayashi Maru (the ultimate unwinnable scenario, for my GEEK-culture challenged friends). I think I'm tired of trying to win the unwinnable...I need to channel my inner JTK and figure out how to rewrite the program!

So here I sit, pondering, feeling hopeless and hopeful, confused and clear, yet stalled while thoughtful... I guess this time of year really is the time in which I do the most reflection. I hope to emerge in the spring, armed with new tools, to fight the fight that's currently beating me...the fight for my health...

C

carimiller7391

Carly,

Total fraud?? WHAT... you lost 70-some pounds... with or without a plan, you did it, you earned it. Stress causes major issues and getting rid of a negative ex and standing up for yourself and saying you're worth more than to stay in a miserable marriage is A LOT. You EARNED IT.

As far as skewed thinking that gaining 22 pounds in 6-7 months.... darling, I gained 20 in a month and thought that was "normal." You know as well as I do, there is no "NORMAL" out there. What I feel and think is normal, might be crazy as he!! for you.

I understand being thrown off by life. Trust me, cycling every 4-5 days, I truly understand what you mean. I get thrown a curve ball weekly. But, I know it's coming, I am now making a plan...(Thanks in whole to you for recommending the "Change anything book") When I have my good days, I work on my plan... when life starts to throw me the curve ball, I work with my plan. I'm nowhere near perfect nor where I want to be, but I am making forward progress. It's all I can ask for. I totally feel that when you start working to make a plan from what you've heard,read and take notes from the book, you'll find you are much stronger than you believe you are.

The inner battle you are fighting with yourself is one I feel a lot of us who have been "abused" in one way, shape or form fight. Are WE worth it???? Carly, you are worth fighting for. You deserve all the good things that LCHFMP has to offer and all the awesome things that life has to offer.

I know why I keep hitting brick walls and am scared sh!tless to lose this weight. I'm not sure I ever shared this, but I was raped at 17 at a New Year's eve party at a friend's home by the guy I was dating... his little brother. I gained over 200 pounds in the next 2-3 years because I was deathly afraid of being sexually assaulted again. I used the weight as a barrier to keep men away. It worked... I dated thru the years, but didn't value myself at all. Thought I had to buy men, spend loads of money and gifts and my "cookies" to get good ones. What I ended up with, a bunch of *kitten* who used and abused me even further.

It isn't until recently, like last 2 months or so that I came to the realization that not only am I worth it, it's what I want. I want to be healthy. I want to be active. I want to live a long life. I can't do any of these things (or others) if I don't take care of me. I totally feel like an addict who is on heroin, I have to hit rock bottom and WANT this for myself for me to succeed.

KnitOrMiss

Life is so damned unfair. Seriously. Why is it that all of us awesome folks have suffered so much? And still remain strong, beautiful, and amazing people in spite of all that.

While I wasn't abused in the physical sense, I was abused mentally and emotionally by my stepfather who was probably about a half a heartbeat away from taking the abuse to a physical/sexual level. I won't go into overly graphic detail here, but I was a very early developer, whereas my sister was 16-17 before she hit the female development I had by 10-12.

Somewhere around 12-13, my stepfather punished me for "looking like a girl" by brutally cutting my hair (I later discovered this was an attempt to make me unattractive to him) and for "acting like a slut" because I had a crush on a boy when I was in like 7th grade and all manner of crap. He used to spy on my sister and I in the shower and look under our covers at night (supposedly seeking contraband and stolen food, but we all know better). By the way, this was when I was 13-16 years old. That mean my sister was 8-11 years old. She still very much had the body of a child, completely and utterly, yet he was viewing her the same as he did me. *SHUDDER*

Anyway, as a result, I hid for a while inside myself and my clothes, alternated between behaving like a wannabe *kitten* and a nun, was so confused for myself for a long time, got into a horrible marriage just to be "wanted" and oh so many things.

Sitting back in reflection, I wonder if this isn't a component in why I don't ever want to get that small again. Because I have a visceral panic reflex at even the idea of getting below 170 (my height is 5'4", so my BMI recommended range, which we all know is crap, but it's a benchmark, is 110-145). So I panic at thinking about getting below 170, not even 145, which makes me laugh at the insanity bit...

Oh, and in case anyone was curious - my stepdad later apologized to my sister, and then unfriended me on Facebook (to protect me, supposedly). Almost ten years since that apology, and I've yet to hear a word from him on the subject.

And no, my daughter was NEVER EVER EVER left alone with this man or with my mother and him... My mother has been confronted with some of this knowledge recently, and she doesn't know what to think or do, and yet she's still married to this man... Regardless...

HUGS TO ALL WHO HAVE SUFFERED, no matter what the cause, to get us here. By banding together, we are all stronger than we could have ever been alone....