Compulsive Behaviors and General Addictions
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KnitOrMiss
Posts: 10,104 Member
I know I have an addictive personality. I always have. I don't know at what point I realized this.
I never managed to become an alcoholic, primarily because I remember as a pre-teen being in a van with my mom, driving behind my drunk father in another car, just sitting there watching him weave in and out of traffic like an insane person, and just praying he would make it home without killing himself or someone else. As a result, I kind of developed a mental block about alcohol. I've never been drunk, despite years of trying. I would start to get a buzz, then keep drinking, then next thing I know, I'm throwing up. I never ever hit that "feel good" zone.
But anything else, I always go from zero to 1,000 in a heartbeat. I think it is due in part to that inherited addictive personality, perhaps. I've always been all or nothing. Slimfast shakes? I jumped in and did it breakfast and lunch and lost a bit at first, but couldn't keep it up. Atkins - I went hard core, but I bought into the BS of the sugar alcohol treats and never broke my sweet tooth or dealt with the underlying issues. WW - that was just too complicated, because I had someone's materials, but no group, etc. It was just weird...I couldn't buy in to the principles. MFP - I went with the macros provided, did hard core tracking, making my guy and I crazy - and again, it worked for a while, until I refused to live under a dictatorship regime (my scale and tracking).
I have/have had trigger foods. Some don't bother me anymore. Some will never go away. I hate the weak mind, one glancing thought of something, try to move on, then it because my obsessive thought until I feed it.
I tried mindful coloring. Printed 50 sheets. Downloaded hundreds more. Can't find my niche, but did a few sheets.
Meditation apps - downloaded several, only use one, and for a sleep interlude, not a meditation...
Read a book I LOVED - can't find/make the time to put it into place though I know I need to.
Start exercising - push to the point of injury, then can't workout for a while anymore.
Read a book - then read a dozen more and ignore chores.
Biggest hangups - getting motivated for any and every task except the one that must be done. I need to go put up laundry so I can go to bed? All of the sudden, I'm consumed with the need to do the dishes, right now, while I have the energy. Need to do the dishes? Suddenly I want to make the bed, dust all the lamps, vacuum the floor, etc. It is ridiculous. I've tried redirection, but the compulsion to do something else, anything else, has lead me to develop a strategy - put nothing on the must do list...then I can follow the compulsions...
Does it work? Sort of. But much like the plan in which I set goals, then subconsciously do everything in my power to destroy any chance at success. Recognize progress? Self destructive behavior starts almost immediately.
I just don't understand it. It is literally a compulsion, almost an automatic, unavoidable behavior, because if I catch myself, I will obsess until I give in, compensate with a behavior almost as bad, or give in in the most extreme way.
I don't understand it at all.
Nothing seems to fit...
And if I eliminate one thing, something I've never had a compulsion toward, all of the sudden I'm utterly obsessed with it... Does not matter how inane or tiny or inconsequential.
Is this addiction, compulsion, binging - regardless of subject, alcoholism without drinking?
No matter how much progress I seem to make, things underlying issue always seems to surface eventually.
And I feel completely alone, because this driving force is not isolated to a genre or subject or issue - it is widespread, illogical, and uncontrollable... I don't even fit in with the other screwed up people because my kind of screwed up is even more chaotic than normal screwed uppedness.... How does that work? I can't even screw up right? I have to screw up obsessively? LOL The irony there is just too much...
I never managed to become an alcoholic, primarily because I remember as a pre-teen being in a van with my mom, driving behind my drunk father in another car, just sitting there watching him weave in and out of traffic like an insane person, and just praying he would make it home without killing himself or someone else. As a result, I kind of developed a mental block about alcohol. I've never been drunk, despite years of trying. I would start to get a buzz, then keep drinking, then next thing I know, I'm throwing up. I never ever hit that "feel good" zone.
But anything else, I always go from zero to 1,000 in a heartbeat. I think it is due in part to that inherited addictive personality, perhaps. I've always been all or nothing. Slimfast shakes? I jumped in and did it breakfast and lunch and lost a bit at first, but couldn't keep it up. Atkins - I went hard core, but I bought into the BS of the sugar alcohol treats and never broke my sweet tooth or dealt with the underlying issues. WW - that was just too complicated, because I had someone's materials, but no group, etc. It was just weird...I couldn't buy in to the principles. MFP - I went with the macros provided, did hard core tracking, making my guy and I crazy - and again, it worked for a while, until I refused to live under a dictatorship regime (my scale and tracking).
I have/have had trigger foods. Some don't bother me anymore. Some will never go away. I hate the weak mind, one glancing thought of something, try to move on, then it because my obsessive thought until I feed it.
I tried mindful coloring. Printed 50 sheets. Downloaded hundreds more. Can't find my niche, but did a few sheets.
Meditation apps - downloaded several, only use one, and for a sleep interlude, not a meditation...
Read a book I LOVED - can't find/make the time to put it into place though I know I need to.
Start exercising - push to the point of injury, then can't workout for a while anymore.
Read a book - then read a dozen more and ignore chores.
Biggest hangups - getting motivated for any and every task except the one that must be done. I need to go put up laundry so I can go to bed? All of the sudden, I'm consumed with the need to do the dishes, right now, while I have the energy. Need to do the dishes? Suddenly I want to make the bed, dust all the lamps, vacuum the floor, etc. It is ridiculous. I've tried redirection, but the compulsion to do something else, anything else, has lead me to develop a strategy - put nothing on the must do list...then I can follow the compulsions...
Does it work? Sort of. But much like the plan in which I set goals, then subconsciously do everything in my power to destroy any chance at success. Recognize progress? Self destructive behavior starts almost immediately.
I just don't understand it. It is literally a compulsion, almost an automatic, unavoidable behavior, because if I catch myself, I will obsess until I give in, compensate with a behavior almost as bad, or give in in the most extreme way.
I don't understand it at all.
Nothing seems to fit...
And if I eliminate one thing, something I've never had a compulsion toward, all of the sudden I'm utterly obsessed with it... Does not matter how inane or tiny or inconsequential.
Is this addiction, compulsion, binging - regardless of subject, alcoholism without drinking?
No matter how much progress I seem to make, things underlying issue always seems to surface eventually.
And I feel completely alone, because this driving force is not isolated to a genre or subject or issue - it is widespread, illogical, and uncontrollable... I don't even fit in with the other screwed up people because my kind of screwed up is even more chaotic than normal screwed uppedness.... How does that work? I can't even screw up right? I have to screw up obsessively? LOL The irony there is just too much...
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Replies
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@KnitOrMiss Hello! I too have a very addictive personality. I can trace different addictions back on both of my parents' families. I try to find things to be interested in other than food but nothing compares. Food is the driving force of my life. The only way i get anything done is to set up food rewards.
Then when I set my obsessive behavior on MFP I'm fanatical until I burn out. And every time I tell myself this is the time I'll stick with it. My husband tells me all the time that i have no trouble losing weight. I just can't sick with it.0 -
This sounds exactly like me0
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I can relate to some of what you are saying. I find that meditating and focusing on slowing my breathing down help best. I have tried a million different things, and this is what works best for me.0
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Oh Carly, you aren't anymore screwed up then me. You know this is so true. We are one soul, different places broken into two.0
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carimiller7391 wrote: »Oh Carly, you aren't anymore screwed up then me. You know this is so true. We are one soul, different places broken into two.
Thanks everyone. I'm feeling less broken today, having a hard time connecting to my own words of not that long ago, yet sometime in the likely near future, I'll start the cycle again... It is what it is. I just have to roll with the tides rather than swim against the current.0 -
Sorry im not about but sending a hug0
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@maoribadger We're good... This has been a while since I wrote this original bit... I'm doing better most days. I hope you are, too, my friend!0
