Do you ever just feel overwhelmed?

Emily3907

I am currently in the process of starting fertility treatments (after 18+ months TTC and 2 early miscarriages) and also trying to lose weight. The past few days (actually weeks) have been really rough. Since early February, I have been having all kids of bloodwork, testing, ultrasounds, etc. to determine the best course of fertility treatment. I have started Metformin and two days ago started birth control pills to prepare for some testing at the end of the month. I also have been struggling with my weight for years. A lot of yo-yoing with my weight and I have had little success (I have successfully kept 18 pounds off consistently, while losing as much as 50 pounds a few years ago). In reality, I have to lose about 110 to get to a somewhat normal and healthy weight.

Anyways, I am at a point where I just feel overwhelmed with everything. I am sick of every meal being a battle between good and evil. I am sick of counting everything, whether it be calories, cycle days, weighing food, etc. I am sick of dealing with tracking cycles, temperatures, OPKs, etc. I am starting to feel like I am just obsessed with losing weight and getting pregnant, while simultaneously failing at both. My energy is just low right now and some days I just don't care, which results in eating unhealthy, then beating myself up for it and continuing the cycle.

Do you ever just have periods of time where you just feel overwhelmed with everything PCOS brings, plus trying to lose weight? Some days, it just feels impossible and like I am doomed to stay this way forever.

Logically, I know the weight loss is possible. I know that with PCOS the infertility struggle is real and that I have to go through the process. But, emotionally it is just HARD sometimes.

If you do find yourself in this position, what do you do to pull yourself out?

KnitOrMiss

Yes, even though fertility is no longer a factor for me (I had one child, one early miscarriage), and I'm done. I'll be 40 in a few months, and I have pelvic organ prolapse.

Whether my insulin resistance caused my PCOS or the other way around, they both then contributed to trigger the hypothyroidism, which all built in with a somewhat traumatic childbirth and all of that, so yeah, I feel like a perfect sh!tstorm of a mess pretty much 24/7.

When my now ex-husband and I were trying for our kiddo, we miscarried, then had her, and I never conceived again. Doctors do not know everything. What they know changes all the time... It is all so frustrating!!! It's all best guess, and we're putting our lives, our sanity, our health, and our families in their hands all the time. And the best they can give us is maybe???????? Like really?

So yes, I get you. Emotional eating, stress eating, boredom eating, all of that. Fighting the weight... I've lost 60-ish pounds and mostly kept it off for a few years now, but I"m getting nowhere currently, and I feel so bloody hopeless, too. I need to lose 80 more easily. then see where to go from there.

And I remember the desperation and feeling of your life ending every negative test result, every set back, all of it. All the testing and maybes.

All I can say is that coming to a point of acceptance is something you need to do for you. Accepting that life is not %#&%&#@%#@&(*) fair, that things will not go as you want/need them to do, that your road is harder - and possibly no where near in the same galaxy as your dreams, all of that. I'd firmly recommend counseling. Even just having someone to blow off steam at once a week can help so much - also takes some of that burden off of your spouse.

What I"m doing now?

• Venting regularly.
• Finding an eating plan that is strict enough it keeps some of the emotional side of it at bay, but allows flexibility for when I'm dying over something.
• Finding release in loud, angry rock music.
• Remembering than anger can be used as fuel.
• Walking when all else fails.
• Finding comfort in those of like trials and tribulations
• Giving yourself time - remember - your anger and fears and stress and emotions, they're yours - they are not WRONG, you have the right to have them and hate the world and God or the gods or the universe or whatever. None of this is wrong, accepting that and stop trying to be happy all the time can help.
• Read. Just for yourself.
• Remember to enjoy your husband. Don't let this process steal your joy with your husband - after this whole thing, you may not have much left. Don't let all conversations with him only be about conceiving...
• Listen to audio books or something in the car before you get home. Work on finding your joy in life again...
• Look at yourself in the mirror every day and find something to love about yourself, find something you like about your reflection.
• Volunteer - do something for someone else, just because. It gets you out of your shell of misery and hopelessness to remember that while you're in he!!, there is more world out there...
• And just to the better thing you can. Don't aim for perfection every time. because repeated failure will make you feel works. So if you have a choice of fruit, veggies, or potato chips, eat the fruit, because while it's sweet, it's better than chips, but not as great as the veggies or whatever...
• Do something special once a month - get a pedicure, do your hair, buy a new lipstick. Remind yourself that you're more than just a baby factory with expired warranty....or however you see it...

I could probably go on for days... HUGS

Just remember, as this group alone attests to - you are NOT alone.... (HUGS)

Emily3907

Thank you so much! You are so sweet to take the time and open up. Sometimes I just feel kind of alone in this struggle. Don't get me wrong, my husband is GREAT and super supportive, but he is still a guy, so he doesn't understand completely where I am coming from with certain things. He also feels like he needs to help me "fix" it, and sometimes it is just added stress for him.

I have considered going the therapy route, because sometimes I do just feel completely overwhelmed and need a space to just let everything out without worrying a loved one. Dealing with infertility, PCOS and trying to lose weight is no joke and I sometimes feel I need more tools than I have to properly tackle it all.

Seriously though, thank you for your thoughts, insight and most of all your compassion.

KnitOrMiss

It is far easier to have some perspective on the other side of the mirror so to speak. It was absolutely hellish living it, and the memory of that never quite fades away completely. I've done a lot of work on myself in the last 7 years or so, and so even if my body hasn't fully gotten with the program, my mind has moved forward by leaps and bounds.

This type of struggle is very isolating. How do we deal with it when it seems like everyone in our lives is on the flip side of the coin? The co-worker with a surprise pregnancy? A sister or brother's wife are expecting? A friend from high school is frustrated and having her 5th child? Someone else who has suffered so many losses and is a bad type of person, or seems to be, suddenly conceives and has a pregnancy that sticks? Your husband's boss complains because his wife is wearing him out with all the cost for the kid's events?

How do we deal with that when we have primary or secondary infertility? It literally feels like death by a thousand paper cuts. And anyone who hasn't been there or has blissfully been able to move past it, they feel like your misery will kill their joy or they are scared to share with you because the don't want to upset you. And even if you join an infertility group - and someone gets pregnant and has a safe and healthy baby, that person's misery morphs...

There is no one living your exact life, your exact path, your exact misery. And no one's experiences compare to your own - in any way. It isn't a contest of who's got it worse or a plus and minus column. You shouldn't have to wonder or know who's judging you, blaming you for things beyond your control.

And so sometimes, to deal with that pain and loss and everything, we cut ourselves off and isolate ourselves. I know I did. My ex-husband's best friend and his wife got pregnant and discovered this literally the day after we did with my first pregnancy. By the end of that weekend, we'd discovered our due dates 2 days apart, I was miscarrying, and she proceeded to be a miserable pregnant person, complaining and all and I hated her for it. It somewhat is embarrassing to admit. But I did. I kept thinking - you're lucky enough to still be pregnant, no matter the misery, and you have the GALL to complain about it TO ME - ALL THE TIME?? Yeah, it was a rough stage for me.

It took some time and healing, but eventually I was okay with it all...but it was never easy.

Your husband also doesn't have the insane stages of hormonal flux we deal with in general, much less on medication or during the first trimester... They do the best they can, but...they really can't completely understand it. And men's need to fix things... *ROLLS EYES* It is what it is... Especially if they haven't ruled out where the complications in conceiving or maintaining the pregnancy come from if the can even guess.

The stress of the medical side of conceiving is so intense that there should be built in therapy mirroring all of your appointments! It is ridiculous that the medical profession hasn't caught up to this idea yet...

Honestly, you know that most people deal with only one of those people, and are still of questionable sanity. The fact that you are juggling all of them speaks highly of your resiliency. Your toolbox will expand as your knowledge does...

You are so welcome. Only by sharing our experiences, trials, tribulations, and misery, do we manage to make it all a little more bearable. I hope you feel a little better soon. And wishing you all the luck on regaining some control in your life...and stealing back all the happiness that stress is taking from you right now!

Dragonwolf

Can I make a suggestion?

After the tests are done, back off on actively trying to conceive.

Don't go back on birth control, but don't do fertility treatments, either. PCOS doesn't inherently mean you're infertile. Think of it, instead, as an indication that something is blocking your fertility.

Then, for the next six months or so, focus on you. Make time to relax and unwind, every day. Figure out what's not working in your way of eating and tweak it (MFP is being uncooperative about letting me see diaries, so I can't offer specific pointers). If you're not already, make sure you're eating real food -- ditch the processed stuff and go with meats, fruits, vegetables, nuts, and seeds as your primary source of calories and nutrients -- from there, pare down the amount of sugar and starch you're taking in -- so if you're already doing real food, but you're eating a lot of fruits and root vegetables, trade them out for non-starchy vegetables and "powerhouse" fruits like berries -- and don't be afraid of fat! Sufficient fat intake, especially from monounsaturated and saturated sources, are crucial to proper health and hormone production.

Shift your focus from weight loss to overall health. Take the numbers from the tests and tweak your lifestyle to support improving those numbers. As you improve those numbers, weight loss and fertility will generally come with it.

*hugs* I know it's rough. I agree with Knit -- acceptance is also necessary. Acceptance doesn't mean giving in, but it does mean realizing that you can't just steamroll past something like this with sheer stubbornness. By accepting things, you can then work around them, and find solutions that work, even if they're unorthodox.

BogQueen1

KnitOrMiss wrote: »

This type of struggle is very isolating. How do we deal with it when it seems like everyone in our lives is on the flip side of the coin? The co-worker with a surprise pregnancy? A sister or brother's wife are expecting? A friend from high school is frustrated and having her 5th child? Someone else who has suffered so many losses and is a bad type of person, or seems to be, suddenly conceives and has a pregnancy that sticks? Your husband's boss complains because his wife is wearing him out with all the cost for the kid's events?

Holy crap this hit right in the feels so hard. After finally finishing grad school, we are ready for a family, and now a year out, nothing. My best friend, my husbands little sister and now two co-workers have all been pregnant recently or are pregnant and all those easily conceived or accidental pregnancies put me in a bad place mentally for about six months. My niece is here now (she lives with us), and every day I use her as inspiration to stick to my diet because I want one of my own SO badly. Preliminary with the fertility doctor looks like we are going to end up having to go with IVF because of some other issues, so fingers crossed next time this year, we have our own little one that I can dote on.

Best of luck to you on this road. It can be a very tough one to walk, and it's hard for husbands to really understand fully.

andisue50

I feel you. We've been ttc for almost 3 years now. I have gained about 10-15 lbs (was more but got it under control) from the process. I will say that I cannot personally focus on both weight loss and fertility. When we've been doing treatments, I've found it best just to focus on being healthy and making mostly good choices. Then, when we've taken breaks I've put more energy into actually tracking food and exercising more aggressively. Once I did that I stopped gaining weight at least and felt like I've stayed mostly healthy.

I definitely recommend finding a support system- whether it be counseling, an actual fertility support group, friends or family. We kept things a secret for quite a while but it became too much of a burden to bear. I have told several people but I have 3 girlfriends that pray with me, talk about it with me, just let me be open. It really helps.

Emily3907

Thanks everyone! @andisue50 I think I may be like you in that focusing on both is just too much. Weight loss alone and fertility treatments alone are enough to deal with. Putting the two together is just too much for me to handle.

The past few days have been better. I think part of my problem is the birth control I am on. Apparently there are some women that have experienced terrible mood swings while on it, and I think that is affecting my outlook on things at the moment. Thankfully, I only have about 12 days left and 5 of those days DH and I will be on vacation, so hopefully my mood and attitude will improve once I am off the birth control.