Really struggling

jackibailey

The past few days have been brutal. Finally got it together yesterday after two days of binging. I don't even dare weigh myself. My stomach still hurts. And it's so dumb cause the food didn't even taste good. I don't think I tasted it at all. My psychiatrist wants me to go to an eating disorder specialist. She does a group therapy but I can't afford it. I start a new job today. Just a part time cashiering job so really hoping that it I like it and it can be a distraction from obsessive thoughts of food. I wish that the whole all things in moderation thing worked for me. Still stuck on good foods/bad foods mindset. I don't know. Just wanted to put some of it down in words. Thanks for listening my friends.

mweckler

Hello and welcome, I am sorry to hear that you are struggling today. Usually in a binge I just mindlessly shovel food into my face, good food, bad food, it does not matter. I describe it almost like an out of body experience. I am lucky in that the psychiatrist knows about E.D. it has been very helpful to me. Plus once I was diagnosed I started to research, and study about it on my own. How often do you find yourself binging? Have you thought about keeping a journal or some kind of notepad to write down when you feel a binge coming on so you can see if there are any common factors that trigger it?

jackibailey

Hi. I didn't know anyone replied until yesterday. Thank you. Yeah I feel like I zone out when I binge. And to me it's really weird because I've had gastric bypass and it's like the stuff I eat goes right through my stomach and I can eat more food than I'm supposed to. It's like the restrictions on what I can eat make me more obsessed. I've had an eating disorder since I was a child. Only been in treatment once. I've run the whole spectrum with anorexia, bulimia, and binge eating. It's been 40 years. I'm doing so much better now than I ever have before. I have an awesome therapist and am figuring a lot of stuff out. It's amazing to me the way we will punish ourselves. I'm so glad you started this group. I've always worked so hard to hide it all, but I wasn't fooling anyone. Just myself. I'm hoping this forum will keep me more open and honest with myself. Thank you so much.

mweckler

Before I was diagnosed I felt lost, I had not idea what was wrong with me, and I thought I was doomed to these cycles or being powerless around food. I would tell people I had a sugar addiction and people told me that was not a real thing. To make matters worse is I am a chef, and a pretty good pastry chef as well, so I was able to feed these urges whenever I wanted because I could make whatever I needed to to fill the urge. After a few years of feeling out of control these urges became semi-daily and took over every part of my life. I finally went and got professional help a few months ago, which is what led to me starting this group so that others has a place to get answers, so that no one had to struggle alone.

jackibailey

Well you are awesome! I think mine started cause I had body issues from the time I was in elementary school from being abused I guess. I've been dieting my whole life. I've gained and lost hundreds of pounds. And all aspects of eating cause guilt. Restricting, purging, binging. I hate food. I hate thinking about it all the time. So with the gastric bypass I have lost all my weight. I had it two years ago. I lost 210 pounds in 18 months. So now I'm to maintaining which I've never done before. So it's been two years now of kind of a forced obsession with thinking about each and every bite I put in my mouth and I'm mean to myself if I mess up. I'm a real all or nothing kind of gal. I'm also bipolar so there's the impulse control aspect too. I had a great day yesterday though cause I worked at my new part time job and it was five hours of being busy the whole time so my mind was busy the whole time. It was pretty freeing. Get to do it again today.

robingmurphy

Do you have a plan for what you will do if you have the urge to binge again?

jackibailey

I'm supposed to journal how I'm feeling leading up to the binge. Write down if something happened. Or distract myself with something. Go sit outside in the sun with my dog. There are times that has worked and I stop mid binge and am okay but most of the time I feel like I'm white knuckling it until an actual meal time.

robingmurphy

Have you read the book Brain over Binge? I'm finding some of the ideas there helpful. Also, there's a podcast called "Progress Not Perfection" which has a lot of great tips. Maybe if you make a plan to go listen to a couple of episodes of it when you're struggling it might help? The maker of that podcast has an app called "Before I Eat" which also helps me.

jackibailey

Thanks. I'll look into that.

jackibailey

@robingmurphy I listened to a podcast this morning just to see what it was like. I've never listened to a podcast before. It was fantastic. Really goes along with my therapy too. I really think this will be a fantastic tool for me. Thank you so much.

mweckler

How are you doing today?

jackibailey

Hi. I'm doing okay. Feeling like I really need to control it and not screw up. Already thinking about the food I'm going to allow myself today. Seriously already thinking about how I'm going to eat tomorrow cause it will be third day at new job and I'll be working 6pm to 11pm. I just have this thing with being very very scheduled and it's very hard for me to be flexible and not go into a downward spiral. I logically know that this is not rational. Really I think if I can recognize when the thoughts start, before the zone out, and sit and listen to a podcast that would be progress for me. I so have FID. A therapist of mine gave me that. F**k it disorder. Do not want to go there. Today the scale is back down some from the binges of the last few weeks, and although that is a good thing, it's still a real trigger for me. I'm supposed to be maintaining, so why can't I stop the mindset of must lose, lose, lose. But that podcast I listened to said that even regression is progress. Even two steps forward, two steps back. So how are you doing today? I really hope your day is fantastic so far. You and all the people on this forum are wonderful. I'm so glad you started this. Thank you.

mweckler

So I was reading something yesterday and if I can find it again I will try to post it on the page. It was 10 things to do to help keep binges at bay. One of them was to plan out each meal ahead of time so you know what you will be eating to lessen the chances of a surprise binge. The other thing that stuck out was not to deny yourself a craving, by doing that it will trigger a binge, and the longer you try to ignore the craving the worse the binge gets. Now I want to find that link.

jackibailey

Yeah I plan out my meals every morning. I eat the same thing everyday except for dinner. I've tried not being so strict during the day but when I try to change things up it really sends me into a downward spiral. Isn't that just nuts?

mweckler

No not nuts, I eat the same thing for breakfast, and lunch Monday through Friday when I am at work. When I was in high school, for the 2.5 years I was there I ate the exact same lunch every day. Some people are just like a routine I guess, and there is nothing wrong with that.

jackibailey

Well that's a relief lol

ab6046

Jacki, have you ever thought tried not weighing yourself? It sounds like it may trigger binges for you. It does the same for me, but I can't seem to break up with it. I wonder if that would be worth experimenting with.

jackibailey

I've always called myself a scale *kitten* lol.

robingmurphy

You sound really stressed out. I think you should focus on including 5-minute destressing sessions (relaxation exercises, meditation, maybe a walk) throughout your day. I find it very difficult to avoid binge urges or manage them when I'm stressed.