Hi... can I vent?

RebeccaMaunder

I am pretty sure that I introduced myself in this group before, but I haven't been in in a while as I have been both not diligent with following a healthy diet and also because I have been crazy busy. I feel like in saying that I don't have the right to vent but I am just wondering if for a moment I can... I could use some support right now and I feel like this is a safe place to do that.

I am trying to eat a lower carb life. I would love to do LCHF perfectly but lets face it I mess up all the time and eat things that I shouldn't. I don't know why but the need for carbs hit me in a way that makes me so angry that if I don't get it I am really mean. I hope that others have experienced this at least to some degree. Also I am frustrated because I feel like even when I am doing well with eating and exercise I still don't see the benefits of weightloss. The scale, I feel, never makes much of a move. I am desperate to have a baby with my DH. He wants children so badly. He has low T, but there is so many ways that they will work with him. I got told simply to get gastric bypass, but there is such a long waiting list I am not sure what to do. At 32 I feel like I am never going to be able to give him the gift of being a dad and it breaks my heart, and secretly, I know his as well. I am just not sure what to do any more and I feel like my heart is constantly breaking while I am smiling trying to pretend that I am ok and happy for all the moms, and all my friends reaching their goals...

I really hope that I am not alone.

Thank you for reading

Becca

meryl135

Hi Becca, thank you for being so honest about your struggle and I am sorry you feel so heartbroken and dejected. You have to remember that as much as you both want a baby, you and your husband married each other for who you are, your friendship, your love and your companionship.

That being said, I know the struggle of trying to get pregnant with PCOS, and your husband's low testosterone doesn't help the situation. All I can offer you is that you are still pretty young - recent research has shown that women with PCOS actually have the same rate of successful pregnancy past the age of 35. So don't give up.

However, if your medical team is not offering you any further support than getting a gastric bypass, then perhaps you need to find other practitioners or specialists who will give you more guidance. Maybe working with a nutritionists to get a handle on your carb intake and cravings. Or working with a naturopathic doctor to help balance your hormones more holistically.

All the best,
Meryl

KnitOrMiss

@RebeccaMaunder First of all, HUGS, HUGS, and more hugs!!!!!

Nothing about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness is ever worth it. Healthy diet for many people is so different. I know that you've been told some mean things (I too had an endocrinologist tell me that he could never fix my thyroid because I was a lazy fat @$$, and until I lost weight he couldn't help me - DUH! The thyroid was a major contributing factor if not the cause of my weight, but whatever - you see a fat woman and ASSUME... GRR. Don't get me started).

If you haven't yet, I would firmly recommend getting your fasting insulin tested. This is totally different than glucose/blood sugars. Until I found ways to address my insulin issues (never had blood sugar issues, but insulin issues were rampant! Medication, then diet, then dropped medication, then stalled, then went down the more research path), I never had any success in any weight/health markers.

Also, get thorough work ups on your thyroid. TSH alone is not anywhere close to enough. You can have major thyroid dysfunction 10-15 years before it will show up in a standard panel. Antibodies tests and FT4/TT4 FT3/TT3, Uptakes, etc. all can be tested. www.stopthethyroidmadness.com.

I have finally started to seem some real "feel better" successes with adding in probiotics and diatomaceous earth... Everything comes down to deficiencies. Speaking of which, check out this site: www.health-science-spirit.com/borax.htm for reasons why Boron supplementation might help your guy's Low-T issues. Another friend of mine has her partner supplementing with a medication including calcium, magnesium, D3, K2, and boron - and it's done wonders in the (lack of) interest part of low-T. They're still working to conceive, though...

I personally have found that with PCOS, so much of this crap that we blame ourselves for - carb cravings, hopelessness on diets, giving up, feeling like a failure in the parent department, etc., etc., etc. is simply beyond our control by pure biology. Until we address the underlying issues, we don't stand a chance in fighting this war alone.

For example, did you know that the minimum D3 recommendation for a woman with PCOS is 8,000 - 10,000 IU daily? And that if you don't take that with K2 to aid absorption, there's not much cause to even supplement in the first place? Plus, it has to tie in to the calcium (to absorb) - the K2 is like the bus driver. The magnesium and potassium are your passport to get these things into your cells, and the boron is essential to keep them there? It took me 18 months to learn this!!!!

Anger, frustration, self-loathing, self-blame, and so on and so forth. I think every single one of us has been there. Aside from digging in deep to research and treatment (big fan of folate, inositol, fish oil, B-Complex, and all of this legit supplementing), I would challenge you to spend the rest of this year remembering how to love yourself - and to focus on the love and joy of your relationship. Once we get caught up in the conception struggle torture game, we tend to lose that sense of ourselves, and we tend to forget to enjoy being a couple, too. Personally, I'd give yourself this time to start some supplements and research, get a good doc if you don't have one. Stop worrying about conceiving, or at least push it to the back of your mind. Any baby deserves parents who remember how to love each other and put their health (mental and physical, not to mention emotional) in the spotlight. How else will they learn? I'd work on switching your focus, and making the rest of this year be focused on getting you and your husband to your healthiest in all forms - that way, when the time is right, in whatever form, that you'll be ready to be the best that you can be!

(HUGS)

P.S. When I got pregnant after over a year of trying and almost immediately miscarried while my then husband's best friend and his wife got pregnant "accidentally," it was the worst hell on earth for me... It hurts a pain like no other. Finding folks to share this with so that it doesn't burn up your heart from the inside is critical to surviving it. (hugs) and (love)

RebeccaMaunder

Thank you both. It sounds like I have a lot of stuff to look into. I have gotten a new family doctor who was just waiting for my files from my other doc. Hopefully this will all balance out and she can get me in to see an endo soon. I'm less emotional today but still very frustrated. I am glad to know that there are others who understand. Not that I want anyone to suffer.

@KnittOrMiss I am so sorry for your loss

KnitOrMiss

Becca, thanks. It was a long time ago (around 16 years), so I've mostly dealt with it as much as anyone can. I did go on to have a successful pregnancy, and my daughter is 15, but it was definitely hell.

I also suffered from secondary infertility (which in some ways feels worse, because you know your body used to work, and now there's no clue what failed, so you go on in your head about how your broke yourself and all that insanity - but in some ways it is better, because at least you have a child, but I can tell you, not being able to have a second child messed up my head far FAR worse than struggling the first time around - but that is JUST ME). I'm not meaning to make it a contest or anything - just to give context. I know my words surrounding secondary infertility have hurt my friends with primary infertility, etc. before, and I didn't want that to be the case here. I think any time you desperately want for something, genuinely, and often selflessly, and your body just won't allow you to do it, it is it's own level of grief, loss, acceptance, etc.

I absolutely agree that I would never want anyone else to suffer, it does offer both solace and hope to those of us in the trenches, so to speak.

(HUGS)

RebeccaMaunder

Oh I can only imagine the pain. I have a few friends who've dealt with secondary infertility and it has been so hard to watch them want a baby so bad and not be able to achieve the same results they once were able to.

HayleyAnne012911

Hey Becca,

This is the best place for venting. I know how you feel.
I am struggling with PCOS and diabetes. I have lost over 136 pounds and don't get my period. It's super frustrating considering my fiance and I do want a child of our own. We miscarried in January and I still struggle with it. Like Knit said it was hurtful when someone accidentally got pregnant. My future sister and law and brother in law got pregnant right after I lost mine, and I was so angry considering they don't take care of their kids. Turned out she miscarried as well, so then I felt bad for being so mad she was pregnant in the first place. It's a constant struggle when your hormones aren't balanced and you're all over the place.

Hugs!!!!

-Hayley

RebeccaMaunder

I've been in that situation myself. Ive gotten mad about someone being pregnant and then there lose baby and I feel terrible. I feel like that is not an uncommon incident.

KnitOrMiss

(hugs) all around... Just remember that your feelings are yours, and there's nothing wrong with having them - and you can't bring about bad things to other folks by thought alone... So no guilt, no matter what! (HUGS)

littefish2018

Hi Rebecca and friends, this is kind of a random post, but thank you so much for venting and sharing, I'm so happy to find this group. I am 35 and was recently diagnosed with PCOS after I went to the doctor for excessive hair on my chin and psycho-like behavior, and for months after the diagnosis my stress and emotions were off the chart. I can totally relate. I'm not actively 'TTC' but it's on the near horizon which honestly is the real reason I'm going so hard to try to remedy imbalances that I otherwise was just starting to accept as a mild personality or mood disorder. What I thought were just PMS or PMDD symptoms (severe hand-wringing-in-the-kitchen anxiety, depression, eye bulging rage etc) happen at random all month. I obsess about spaghetti and feel sorry for myself and cry when in all reality my life is not really all that awful. I have no idea if my adult-onset stress/anxiety created my PCOS (I also have "stress-induced vitiligo now too) or if PCOS is responsible for my stress/anxiety, but I'm trying to balance things naturally before taking metformin. I believe wholly in the negative power of stress/positive power of spiritual or mental peace so I'm going to see if I can apply this attitude to helping my follicles stop freaking out because they don't know what's going on.

For the last 2 months I've been pretty hardcore about trying to exercise and hour a day rotating with muscle building yoga (starting with beginner videos and I'm pretty good now), pilates, and cardio (walking or elliptical), and doing guided mediations (even just leaving them playing on youtube while I'm cleaning or something) and this has started to help me not be such a basket case. I take probiotics and pay attention more to my nutrition. I have a good feeling that the exercise and improved nutrition (and consistent eating throughout the day which was always hard for me- I can wait until the end of the day to eat anything and then binge) will help get everything back in balance. I am secretly hoping an ultrasound on my ovaries in 6 months or a year will look way better, and I'll keep you updated on my power-of-positive thought and health journey back to balance. PCOS is gnarly and I had no idea, but with a little support and a lot of action we can all get ourselves as balanced as possible. Good luck to you!!

KnitOrMiss

littlefish0128 wrote: »

Hi Rebecca and friends, this is kind of a random post, but thank you so much for venting and sharing, I'm so happy to find this group. I am 35 and was recently diagnosed with PCOS after I went to the doctor for excessive hair on my chin and psycho-like behavior, and for months after the diagnosis my stress and emotions were off the chart. I can totally relate. I'm not actively 'TTC' but it's on the near horizon which honestly is the real reason I'm going so hard to try to remedy imbalances that I otherwise was just starting to accept as a mild personality or mood disorder. What I thought were just PMS or PMDD symptoms (severe hand-wringing-in-the-kitchen anxiety, depression, eye bulging rage etc) happen at random all month. I obsess about spaghetti and feel sorry for myself and cry when in all reality my life is not really all that awful. I have no idea if my adult-onset stress/anxiety created my PCOS (I also have "stress-induced vitiligo now too) or if PCOS is responsible for my stress/anxiety, but I'm trying to balance things naturally before taking metformin. I believe wholly in the negative power of stress/positive power of spiritual or mental peace so I'm going to see if I can apply this attitude to helping my follicles stop freaking out because they don't know what's going on.

For the last 2 months I've been pretty hardcore about trying to exercise and hour a day rotating with muscle building yoga (starting with beginner videos and I'm pretty good now), pilates, and cardio (walking or elliptical), and doing guided mediations (even just leaving them playing on youtube while I'm cleaning or something) and this has started to help me not be such a basket case. I take probiotics and pay attention more to my nutrition. I have a good feeling that the exercise and improved nutrition (and consistent eating throughout the day which was always hard for me- I can wait until the end of the day to eat anything and then binge) will help get everything back in balance. I am secretly hoping an ultrasound on my ovaries in 6 months or a year will look way better, and I'll keep you updated on my power-of-positive thought and health journey back to balance. PCOS is gnarly and I had no idea, but with a little support and a lot of action we can all get ourselves as balanced as possible. Good luck to you!!

@littlefish0128 - Also, I would highly suggest getting a full mock up of your thyroid situation as well. I, too, started down the PMS, no - PMDD, no - atypical depression, all the way down the list to - wait, you have ADD, wait you're bipolar manic depressive, etc. I discovered that major thyroid issues, which, by the way, USUALLY DO NOT SHOW UP ON THE STANDARD SCREENING TESTS UNTIL 10-15 YEARS AFTER THE PROBLEMS START, can also mimic mood disorders... www.stopthethyroidmadness.com can give some ideas as to what tests, at a minimum are suggested. Many folks with hormonal imbalances, and PCOS issues in particular are at higher risk (for unknown reasons - at least unknown to me) for thyroid dysfunction. I haven't had a single manic episode in MONTHS since my latest thyroid medication adjustments. If nothing else, you can rule that out, because thyroid issues will make conceiving more difficult, on top of all the rest of everything that complicates it already... (hugs), WELCOME, and good luck across the board.

blukitten

Wow- thank you all for posting this here and all the responses! I really needed to read these today. I think I have introduced myself in here previously but haven't been active for a while in here but am so glad I am part of this group.

I have been sooooo struggling to lose weight. A little history- I was diagnosed with PCOS approximately 10 years ago and went on and off metformin when TTC- I was lucky in that arena and was able to successfully conceive 3 times and have 3 children. I am no longer TTC but am now in the weight loss struggle that is completely and utterly frustrating me.

I have PCOS and Hypothyroidism. I was able to successfully lose 78lbs last year but over the holidays have gained 30 of those back- now am trying to lose and am very discouraged because I am struggling. I was able to get to the LCHF diet when I was successful at losing but now I have tried to restart it and it is virtually impossible for me! I crave carbs and sugar sooooooo badly! I take 2000mg of metformin (1000 twice a day) and am on westhroid pure 3/4 grain which I was successful on to the point where when I had lost the weight my doc (naturapoth) even lowered my dosage to 1/4 grain. He has raised my dosage back up to the 3/4 grain when I gained back the weight. I take my Westhroid in the morning as soon as I get up and don't eat or drink anything other than water for a minimum of 1 hour, then used to take my metformin with breakfast (I recently am trying the intermittent fasting as getting back to the way I used to eat LCHF has been virtually impossible for the last 6 months, its working and have lost 2lbs on it so will see if it continues to work for me, helps keep me in a deficit I think and control the CICO thing) so now I take the metformin just in the morning. I also take a probiotic and digestive enzymes after learning I have an egg allergy. I am still struggling to eat "healthy" or how I "should" but I am able to stay at a deficit with the intermittent fasting.

It has been so nice to read all of the responses to this post and feel like maybe I am not alone. Paricularly @KnitOrMiss - I was diagnosed as ADD, bipolar... manic depressive episodes-- all of the above over the last 10 years- when I had been already on thyroid meds during my 2nd pregnancy and no doctor ever even tested my thyroid until now! I also have not had anymore manic depressive episodes (used to be prominent for me) or anxiety since getting my thyroid meds correct!

OP- thank you for posting this post and I do hope you are able to conceive successfully!

Dragonwolf

blukitten wrote: »

Wow- thank you all for posting this here and all the responses! I really needed to read these today. I think I have introduced myself in here previously but haven't been active for a while in here but am so glad I am part of this group.

I have been sooooo struggling to lose weight. A little history- I was diagnosed with PCOS approximately 10 years ago and went on and off metformin when TTC- I was lucky in that arena and was able to successfully conceive 3 times and have 3 children. I am no longer TTC but am now in the weight loss struggle that is completely and utterly frustrating me.

I have PCOS and Hypothyroidism. I was able to successfully lose 78lbs last year but over the holidays have gained 30 of those back- now am trying to lose and am very discouraged because I am struggling. I was able to get to the LCHF diet when I was successful at losing but now I have tried to restart it and it is virtually impossible for me! I crave carbs and sugar sooooooo badly! I take 2000mg of metformin (1000 twice a day) and am on westhroid pure 3/4 grain which I was successful on to the point where when I had lost the weight my doc (naturapoth) even lowered my dosage to 1/4 grain. He has raised my dosage back up to the 3/4 grain when I gained back the weight. I take my Westhroid in the morning as soon as I get up and don't eat or drink anything other than water for a minimum of 1 hour, then used to take my metformin with breakfast (I recently am trying the intermittent fasting as getting back to the way I used to eat LCHF has been virtually impossible for the last 6 months, its working and have lost 2lbs on it so will see if it continues to work for me, helps keep me in a deficit I think and control the CICO thing) so now I take the metformin just in the morning. I also take a probiotic and digestive enzymes after learning I have an egg allergy. I am still struggling to eat "healthy" or how I "should" but I am able to stay at a deficit with the intermittent fasting.

It has been so nice to read all of the responses to this post and feel like maybe I am not alone. Paricularly @KnitOrMiss - I was diagnosed as ADD, bipolar... manic depressive episodes-- all of the above over the last 10 years- when I had been already on thyroid meds during my 2nd pregnancy and no doctor ever even tested my thyroid until now! I also have not had anymore manic depressive episodes (used to be prominent for me) or anxiety since getting my thyroid meds correct!

OP- thank you for posting this post and I do hope you are able to conceive successfully!

It's possible the Metformin is the cause your craving struggles. Like you, I'd been on and off with Metformin over the years. The last time I tried it, I had horrible food aversions (like, it was like I was pregnant again, hamburger made me literally gag) and craved sugar/starches like mad. I actually ended up gaining weight again because of it.

If you don't want to stop the Metformin, it might be worth making sure you're getting the name brand (Glucophage), and not the generic kind. Apparently, the formulations are such that the name brand is reliably better than the generic.

blukitten

Dragonwolf wrote: »

It's possible the Metformin is the cause your craving struggles. Like you, I'd been on and off with Metformin over the years. The last time I tried it, I had horrible food aversions (like, it was like I was pregnant again, hamburger made me literally gag) and craved sugar/starches like mad. I actually ended up gaining weight again because of it.

If you don't want to stop the Metformin, it might be worth making sure you're getting the name brand (Glucophage), and not the generic kind. Apparently, the formulations are such that the name brand is reliably better than the generic.

Interesting! I had read that somewhere as well- on a PCOS site of some kind- I cant remember the name of it though.. but it was a post from a doc/nutritionist that stated that the metformin can cause the bad carb cravings.

RebeccaMaunder

I am so relieved, but not if you know what I mean, to read that I'm not the only person who has been diagnosed wrongly with bipolar. No mental health diagnoses has ever felt right to me and I think I'm finally starting to understand why. I asked my doc to do blood work and she did test thyroid but would not do more than a basic. I'm hoping the next time I go in I can push her for deeper testing... if not I might make an appointment with my psych again and see if he will do it.

KnitOrMiss

@RebeccaMaunder - You can probably start supplementing with a low level of iodine to help some with symptoms. Most folks are deficient, especially as we move away from table salt to better forms like Sea Salt and Himalayan and Celtic, etc. Unless you have major risks for autoimmune thyroid issues or have concerns about Hashimoto's, you should be save to take moderate doses, and I personally believe that low level supplements are okay for most folks - though I'm not a doctor by any means - and you should do your own research. I personally can say that even when medications improved my blood results, I never had symptom relief until adding in the Iodine/Iodide medication... It's OTC, but generally held behind the counter, though you can get them on Amazon and the like, too.

And I'm SO with you on the misdiagnosis. Nothing EVER fit or felt applicable, and meds only helped to a point... So glad to finally be feeling level again, what almost a decade after first medicating, and nearly two decades after surfacing of symptoms???

(HUGS) to all of us... Keep fighting the good fight!

P.S. EDITED TO ADD - depending on your age, even your basic TSH test might be misinterpreted. Mine is "in range" per lab numbers, but according to my doc, per my age, it's not in range at all...the older we get, the lower that number should get, apparently. He said for my age (40 today!), I should be BELOW 2.000 uIU/ML. Preferably well below it. A recent test had me at almost 4.000, which is outside even the lab range (0.358-3.740 per the lab's allowable range).