In really bad place, need cuddles. :(

LilSoyMilk

Hey everyone, my name is Irina, I'm 22 and my Childhood binge eating turned to Bulimia Nervosa when I was 15. I went to high school in Russia and have always been teased for being in the chubby side, and if you haven't know -- all that matters in Russia, especially to women, is to be "beautiful," which includes being thin. Because I could not control binge eating, I started to purge my meals. It's been a long time since, and I have been on and off, trying to work in my body in a happy, healthy way. But whenever I have breakdowns, hard times, Anxiety or I'm exhausted -- I turn to food. And it's the hardest thing to not eat a whole pizza, when it's so good.

I've been learning to pace myself: I started timing my meals, and I'm not allowed to finish my plate until the timer goes off, and it's been very helpful. The app has been allowing me to see how I eat and what I'm eating, and I think that helps me too. (But obviously when I binge - I cringe).

Only my girlfriend knows about my BN, I have never been to therapy, because my parents have been absent my whole life and my siblings were too busy working to know what I'm going through with my own mind and body. And I've been living alone since I was 16, and I still can't afford medical insurance... So I finally decided I needed help, and I thought this would be a great start.

Every time I overeat I feel disgusting, and have the urge to throw up. I consume 3000 calories in less than a commercial break on TV. I cry every time and I feel endlessly hopeless. When I have streaks of confidence, I still fall down the endless cycle of binge/purge. So far it's been 12 days without purging, but I am still fighting with consuming healthy food, in healthy amounts.

Anything will help.

Thanks guys.

Byronic_Ryu

I don't know a lot about Russian culture (I am aware that they have some strict beauty standards and ideals) but I come from a Korean background. Korea is extremely image conscious and there is a lot of pressure to be beautiful and thin (look at how many young Koreans resort to plastic surgery from the intense pressure.) I was always the big one in my group of East Asian (mostly Korean and Chinese) friends. Even at my lowest, I would have thirty more pounds on them and people (both kids and adults) would constantly comment on my size. I am saddened that at one point in my young life, I truly believed that I was fat and hideous when the truth is, I never was. My thighs and calves are naturally more muscular. On top of that, I am very top heavy.

I had a fitness trainer explain to me that for me to go past 125 lbs, I would have to start breaking down the muscles in my legs which is not good. I was told by another professional, when I was teenager, that my legs are stronger than the average adult's. This was the first time, my muscular legs were talked about in a very positive way. I always cringe when people say Asians are never fat because there are a lot of Asians suffering from eating disorders but very few will admit it or it won't be seen as a serious issue because "Hey, at least they are doing something to be thin." or something along those lines.

I starved myself for a few months when I was eleven. I stopped because my hair was falling out and I collapsed from weakness in front of my cousin. I ate poorly throughout my life because one of my caretakers was a hoarder and it was either fast food or food past its prime. My undiagnosed illnesses began to get worse at fifteen which caused me to be in even more pain, having a rotating, poor sleep cycle, stomach issues, limited mobility and motor skills, and fatigue. I was bedridden and couldn't take care of myself and my caretakers were neglectful. I binged out of necessity because I didn't know when my next meal was. I also over did it on carbs because they gave me energy and helped combat my fatigue and exhaustion. Plus I think they uplifted my mood. A combination of inactivity, homelessness, bad side effects of medication, stress from years of abuse/neglect/having my life threatened, illness, and overeating caused me to gain 60 lbs.

It is really awesome to hear that you are looking to get some help. Since you can't afford medical insurance, start looking around at the local social services office or online for some sliding scale or non profit/free services. You might qualify for certain social services programs. If you are going to school, check your student health services to see if they offer free counseling. Good therapy can help you regulate your symptoms and emotions with healthy coping mechanisms and tools. Keeping a quality support system and getting rid of toxic people is something to also consider.

One self help book that helped me was the WRAP book. It has you list simple things that make you well, triggers, symptoms, what you would do when you are triggered, etc... It helped keep things in order for me. It doesn't cost too much either. Just an idea. You are doing great work with what you are already doing. As long as you continue to look for answers and put effort in getting well, things can change for the better.

LilSoyMilk

Byronic_Ryu wrote: »

I don't know a lot about Russian culture (I am aware that they have some strict beauty standards and ideals) but I come from a Korean background. Korea is extremely image conscious and there is a lot of pressure to be beautiful and thin (look at how many young Koreans resort to plastic surgery from the intense pressure.) I was always the big one in my group of East Asian (mostly Korean and Chinese) friends. Even at my lowest, I would have thirty more pounds on them and people (both kids and adults) would constantly comment on my size. I am saddened that at one point in my young life, I truly believed that I was fat and hideous when the truth is, I never was. My thighs and calves are naturally more muscular. On top of that, I am very top heavy.

I had a fitness trainer explain to me that for me to go past 125 lbs, I would have to start breaking down the muscles in my legs which is not good. I was told by another professional, when I was teenager, that my legs are stronger than the average adult's. This was the first time, my muscular legs were talked about in a very positive way. I always cringe when people say Asians are never fat because there are a lot of Asians suffering from eating disorders but very few will admit it or it won't be seen as a serious issue because "Hey, at least they are doing something to be thin." or something along those lines.

I starved myself for a few months when I was eleven. I stopped because my hair was falling out and I collapsed from weakness in front of my cousin. I ate poorly throughout my life because one of my caretakers was a hoarder and it was either fast food or food past its prime. My undiagnosed illnesses began to get worse at fifteen which caused me to be in even more pain, having a rotating, poor sleep cycle, stomach issues, limited mobility and motor skills, and fatigue. I was bedridden and couldn't take care of myself and my caretakers were neglectful. I binged out of necessity because I didn't know when my next meal was. I also over did it on carbs because they gave me energy and helped combat my fatigue and exhaustion. Plus I think they uplifted my mood. A combination of inactivity, homelessness, bad side effects of medication, stress from years of abuse/neglect/having my life threatened, illness, and overeating caused me to gain 60 lbs.

It is really awesome to hear that you are looking to get some help. Since you can't afford medical insurance, start looking around at the local social services office or online for some sliding scale or non profit/free services. You might qualify for certain social services programs. If you are going to school, check your student health services to see if they offer free counseling. Good therapy can help you regulate your symptoms and emotions with healthy coping mechanisms and tools. Keeping a quality support system and getting rid of toxic people is something to also consider.

One self help book that helped me was the WRAP book. It has you list simple things that make you well, triggers, symptoms, what you would do when you are triggered, etc... It helped keep things in order for me. It doesn't cost too much either. Just an idea. You are doing great work with what you are already doing. As long as you continue to look for answers and put effort in getting well, things can change for the better.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. My mother is an alcoholic and my dad left when I was 8, so I understand what it's like to be neglected and not taken care of.

And thanks, I will look into the book.

I just finished college and didn't trust to go see the health center psychologists.. I thought it was too weird. I have a hard time talking to my girlfriend about my ED, so I'm not sure in a school environment I would want to do that...

Stay strong though! Looking past our moments of weakness we will become stronger ☺️❤️