Im new, hoping to find people who can relate

faith46904

Hi everyone. I just started using MFP because my best friend suggested it. I'm starting what I know will be the long road of trying to lose about 60 pounds. As if losing weight isn't difficult enough, I've found myself having an extremely difficult time also dealing with unexplained infertility over the last several years. I'm almost 26 years old, and around age 20 I started having major issues with my cycle. I went on BC for the first time at 20, and I think that only masked the problem. I got married when I was 22, and TTC for a total of about 3 years with no luck. Since coming off of BC I've had severe amenorrhea (no cycle). At first I would go 4-5 months & then get it, and over the last almost 6 years I've gotten to the point that I do not have a cycle unless its medically assisted. And when I do, there is no sign of ovulation. The only thing all of the drs I've seen have said in common, is that I need to lose weight in order to have any hope at fertility. I've had one specialist diagnose me with PCOS. However, the only thing that made her decide to diagnose were slightly elevated testosterone levels & lack of conception. I've had bouts where I've had excruciating pain in my ovary area, however ultrasounds never detect cysts, and the drs either tell me I'm cyst free, or one must have already burst. The whole diagnosis and explanation has been very confusing and frustrating to me, because at times I feel like maybe that's not what is wrong at all, and it was merely a dr trying to give me an answer.

Fast forward a little bit, I ended my very unhealthy marriage over a year ago. And I met a wonderful man shortly after. Everyone keeps saying things like 'you didn't get pregnant because it wasn't the right person' and 'it should happen now since your with the right person'. Well, that magical thought is not correct. Here I am, a year later, still no cycle and obviously no conception.

I've made the decision to try to change my outlook and be proactive. Fertility care is expensive, and my insurance offers no coverage for anything labeled as such so after researching, I've tried to construct a plan to get through and hopefully overcome whatever this obstacle truly is. Since all of these drs have said I need to lose weight, I decided to search out a dietician/nutritionist first to try to get a grasp on things with help from a professional... And so began the formal process of really trying to change my lifestyle and lose the weight in a healthy way. My hope is that if I am making progress losing weight, I can tell the next fertility specialist that right off the bat. I feel like the drs never want to actually find any other issue if they can say its weight related...

This struggle has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I've reached the point where I try to hold in my feelings and not talk about the fertility issue with most of my friends and family, because I simply feel like they don't and can't understand, having not gone through it themselves. It's very hard. I don't want to put up a wall, but I feel like for my mental and emotional health, I have to. Otherwise I'm constantly upset from the responses I get, as well intentioned as they may be.

I'm dealing with the overwhelming emotions that go along with this. The depression if feeling like it will never happen. The anger of seeing people with children that aren't good parents, or take their amazing gifts for granted. The jealousy of everyone around me already having children of their own or getting pregnant with no trouble at all. I cry about it in private, and seclude myself in public when it gets to be too much. The constant asking 'when are you going to have a baby' breaks a piece of my heart every single time. I often feel myself resenting others for being so lucky to not have to go through this. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way.

I've even felt resentful towards my own boyfriend and wanted to scream that he can't possibly understand because he already has a daughter from a previous relationship. So he will never understand the feeling of not having a child of his own, regardless of how much he and I want to have a baby together. It's like a resentment that his loss will never compare to mine because he was at least lucky enough to be blessed once.

I absolutely hate carrying these feelings and the havoc the emotions cause me. But no matter how positive I try to spin things, the feelings always come flooding back the moment a friend posts on Facebook that they are expecting, or the second someone around me makes a comment about their child being an accident or too difficult or too stressful, or the worst of the worst, someone very close to me stating they never wanted children in the first place in their moment of anger... While their beautiful baby is in the next room.

I'm hoping I can find someone out here that can somewhat relate to the turmoil infertility causes, and the constant pain felt from trying to overcome, understand, or eventually accept it... Just feel like I have nobody to talk to about it, or vent to when it gets bad, because of that feeling that nobody could possibly understand what I'm going through. Infertility is a very lonely battle for me and I feel like it eats me alive. I hope I'm putting the right foot forward by starting the weight loss journey again.

If you can relate, or may have any encouraging words, or want to be upset with me because your there or have been there too, please add me.

Thank you for reading!

powellfam2006

Welcome! I think you for 1 should find a new gyno... there are some out there that will prescribe fertility pills even if your overweight. Mine has, I am quite a bit overweight. They say if you can get 10% of your weight off it should help you. I do have PCOS and being overweight is my main issue, I also have the quirky periods. I have a very hard time getting any weight off, that is my biggest issue. It is like a miracle to take 10lbs off, and of course the best way to get rid of PCOS is drop the weight. It is a frustrating thing to have. I don't see how they can say you are completely infertile have you had tests done? Have you ever tried fertility drugs? My one and only child Ali is a Clomid baby (3 rounds) started in January got pregnant in May, we are trying for #2 (since Ali was 3 rounds, I guess I assumed it might take that long or a little longer, never imagined it wouldn't have worked by now) and have for about 4 years now. about 2 w/o drugs, and I have been on and off Clomid and Femera for a little over 2 years. I will tell you Femera even though I didn't get pregnant, it regulated my cycle, and even though I have been off it since January, I get a period every month, last month I was way late, but usually every 32 days. I am going to see a endocrinologist here in Oct to try to see if he can help any, then I go back for my annual in Nov and I will talk to him about going back on Femera, maybe doing a higher dose. Anyways, I don't think you can rule out everything if you haven't tried other things, never give up hope. For myself invitro is not in the cards, but I will try what I can until it gets to that point. You are still young which is good, I will be 35,so that is my biggest issue. I think you should Focus on losing a few lbs, and try to find a different doctor to start all over, and push taking an oral fertility drug, just to try...you may be surprised Good luck..

lyssAb2007

Hey! I know exactly how you feel! I've been looking for someone who can relate to my story as well. I've been married to my husband since 2010 and we werent trying to concieve the first year but I ended up pregnant. I always thought my whole life that I would never be a mother, because I always just have the feeling. Well I had all these emotions going on and was so excited when we found out. We went to the doctor and they told me there was nothing in my uterus (it was suspected to be Ectopic). So I had to terminate the pregnancy. Well ever since then I have had baby fever like crazy and its been almost 2 years activly trying with no luck at all. My friends keep getting pregnant left and right and I feel like such a terrible person for being so jealous but I cant help it! It's hard, I know..and after the Ectopic I was then diagnosed with PCOS and am on Metformin 1000mcg. The only way I feel I can reverse the diagnosis is to lose this weight once and for all and get to a healthy weight. Thats the only thing I know to do. Like you, I cant afford fertility treatments and I would much rather get pregnany naturally. I've gone on 4 rounds of Clomid through my OBGYN and am still not ovulating. Time to take things into my own hands and take back control of my life. I just have the mindset, every single time I think about eating junk or not working out, I imagine holding my son or daughter in my arms and it helps me through! Thank you so much for posting this, I cried almost the entire way through knowing that there is someone out there who feels the way I do. Best of luck to you! If you need anything or just someone to talk to, feel free to message me!

-Alyssa

faith46904

I went through multiple drs trying to get answers, and none of them were even interested in trying to figure out what was going on. Originally I started out just bringing up the fact that I wasn't getting my cycle at all. No tests were offered in the beginning, just kept trying to push me to go on birth control to get it. When I decided I really wanted to start trying I went to see an actual fertility dr for a consultation. They did labs, nothing else. I then went to an endocrinologist based on my pcp's suggestion. They did the same blood tests. Nothing more. They are the ones who said PCOS, based on my lack of cycles, slightly elevated testosterone and my sugar being just below the pre diabetic range. They suggested a new obgyn, who was supposedly the best in our area for these issues. He has been absolutely no help. And to be quite honest, is a total jerk. Again with pushing birth control as the only suggestion besides weight loss... If I want to conceive, why would I do birth control?

Nobody has offered clomid or any other type of fertility drug. I've been put on provera a few times just because my original gyn thought it had been too long since I'd had my period. Last time I tried provera it didn't even work. I've learned over the last year that if I take prednisone (steroid) it almost instantaneously brings on my period. It wasn't prescribed to me for that, and when I mentioned it to the dr, it was disregarded as far as me trying to understand why that would cause it when other things hadnt. Of course anytime I do get my period, I don't ovulate. Because I typically have an appt soon after and am able to have a test ordered to see if I've ovulated.

The drs I've seen have definitely been less then helpful. So it is part of my plan to find new ones. I have been battling the emotions though of what if I see another useless dr that does nothing but add to the upset I already feel. I'm trying to prepare myself the best I can first with how to explain my experience so far to a new dr in hopes that they actually work with me, and figuring out what questions to ask, what tests to ask about since it seems I really haven't had many done. I've had one new obgyn suggested to me that a family friend went through with similar issues and actually had a good experience with. And they just built a new fertility office in my area that I'm hoping I can get into as well. It's all just been such a headache and difficult because even the drs I've seen have been either insensitive or inexperienced..