"gay lifestyle" & "choice" - things that piss me off

AnaCoffee

Seeing those things mentioned in the thread about "Same Love" reminded me of 2 of the many things that always piss me off. As the parent of a beautiful & amazing 15 yr old son who is out as Undetermined-Probably Not Straight (Questioning) I can tell you that he did not CHOOSE to be LGBTQ. It is not a "lifestyle" or "choice." Of course science backs it up, but I'm a ranting mom on soapbox here, so you know how we can be. :explode:

My son doesn't make a conscious choice to blush at pictures of, or TV shows with, cute guys and turn away in disgust at female cleavage. During the Olympics, he couldn't help enjoying watching men's platform diving with me at 5 am, especially with the added bonus of the score bars making it look like the athletes were naked and enjoying themselves. :laugh:

While we were marathoning "Ugly Betty" he didn't make a conscious choice to yell Justin when he denied being gay to his family. And I'll be damned if he really put a lot of thought into whipping out his iPod to record Justin and Austin's first kiss and then the two of them dancing at Hilda's wedding.

When my son hugs his gay stuffed dragon family of 2 dads & 2 adopted sons who are boyfriends and tells me that he wants a family just like them, he's just following his heart and mind that tell him, "This is what love is."

My beautiful son never made a choice to LGBTQ. He was simply born and the world is a much better place because he's in it.

~stepping off my ranting, mushy mom soapbox now

leebesstoad

Don't you ever step off your soapbox Mom. Your son is one incredibly lucky young man. It is getting better for our LGBTQ youth. But we're not there yet. Not by a long shot. There is still far too much bullying. Far too many attempt suicide and regrettably many succeed. The problem of teenage homelessness for our LGBTQ youth is still large. Mostly driven by parents who throw their children out of their homes and disown them when they come out. Or they still subject them to conversion therapy. But there are more and more parents like you, who understand that it isn't a choice. And so there is hope.

As for me, all I can say is thank you. Thank you for standing up and supporting your son. Thank you for loving your son so unconditionally. It touches this gay man's heart to see that. THAT is what love is.

I hope you are a member of PFLAG, because they need parents like you to be involved. Hopefully there is a GSA or GLSEN organization in your son's school. I hope he feels safe at school.

And although he is questioning now, I know that his mother will be there to support him.

At times I get discouraged here. I try to be active. At first on the forums, I kept my orientation quiet. But no more. I don't make a big deal of it, but I talk about my partner, I talk about being a gay man openly on the main forums with no worries. And yes, I've had people who have actually posted requests for friends to support them turn down my offer of friendship because I include that I am gay. It's their loss. I also have made some incredible friendships with some people you would find rather unlikely. But it still is disheartening. Like tonight when the Same Love thread was shut down so quickly. Like the DOMA thread before it. At times I feel the LGBTQ community is being told to go to the back of the bus. To know our place. This place:



And yet, my friends tell me I am an inspiration. So I trudge on. I just hope that one day, we won't have to ride the back of that bus.

Thank you again for giving me hope. You really are a remarkable mother. When your son gives you grief (and he will, that's what teenagers do), tell him that he will REALLY appreciate how remarkable you are later in life.

FR sent.

AnaCoffee

leebesstoad, your reply here and message, :sad: in both happy, sweet, and sad ways.

We homeschool, so no bullies at school. Not that there haven't been, both when he was in ps (by his Kindergarten teacher no less who had a HORRIBLE reputation,) at a homeschool group's activity he used to attend, and an open-to-all-schooler's sports day camp. (All before he was out, simply because he's "different.") This summer, we wouldn't let him attend sport's camp. No way were we shelling out $300 when the coaches were letting this **** happen. Luckly, more athletes are coming out, which I see as hope for the future.

We know all about LGBTQ kids being kicked our of their homes. We donate, when we can, new undergarments to the Ali Forney Center in NYC. My hub knows without a doubt that if he had been gay and come out even as young as 12, his parents would have kicked him to the streets. Our son knows that he could end up dating a guy in similar circumstances and that they will always be welcome in our home. Our home is a safe place and always will be. (It's okay for his bedroom door to be closed too for bf time. Better him and his future bf be safe here than get caught in the backseat of a car by someone not as accepting. Plus, I've done the backseat car thing. So not worth it. lol!) Anyway, luckily, we don't have contact with hub's parents any more. Stopped that a more than a year ago and our lives have been better for it.

I'll spare you my rant about the bible thumpers who have harassed me (including one being my first cyber stalker) because we, as a secular homeschooling & multi-denominational family, dare to teach evolution as fact/plausible theory in the same way that gravity is still a theory. This year, after getting my letter published in AfterElton's Ask JD column (I was literally sick from anger & disgust at the new pope being elected & all these Catholic school kids being encouraged to welcome him) I decided I was tired of being angry at religion in general. (Hub and I had both turned from our Baptist & Catholic upbringings.) A friend suggested Universal Unitarianism where all faiths, not believers, and LGBTQ members are welcome. We've been attending for a couple of months now. No one bats an eye that my son is Questioning and a gay gentleman we've friended there has a nephew of the same Questioning orientation that he thinks would be a good match.

That was a long-winded way of saying that I too was happy to see Christian support in the Same Love thread, but also not surprised at the homophobia.

Luckily, times are changing for the better. Continued awareness and activism is needed. My son wants to run for president some day, after being a lawyer for those who have been bullied like himself, and so we watch a ton of news, Rachel Maddow, Anderson Cooper, The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report. I'm very active on tumblr with both a Glee fandom/LGBTQ rights/femism/politics blog and a parenting an LGBTQ child/cool things one. In other words, if I didn't catch it on the news, I'll see it on tumblr as I follow amazing people.

Hoping that some of this made sense. I'm multi-tasking tonight - tumblr, this site, beta'ing a friend's gay smut short story that needs to get to her publisher ASAP, and hub & son are watching Wreck It Ralph, pausing it every 5 minutes to geek out over video game references.

Oh, the teenage attitude thing? That's what 15 is - MOOD SWINGS from "I love you, you're the best mom in the world!" to Mr. Drama King with Rolling Eyes. :laugh: I wouldn't change it for the world though. He really is the most incredible person.

Okay, fine, one last thing. It's always killed me how parents could suddenly hate their kid that they have loved their entire lives just because they come out as LGBTQ+. Your child didn't change. They are still the same exact person. They have the capacity to love and that should be celebrated. Who they love or what their minds tell them their gender is doesn't matter. If your child didn't change, why should your love for them?

Oh, sorry, 1 more. PFLAG. I asked a rep from one of the chapters at my state's pride festival. They said it was mainly for parents who didn't accept their kids. I'm not sure if the person understood why I was even asking about the group since I mentioned we already had the brochures, given our son a book for LGBTQ youth, etc. Our closest chapter does not have a very informative website. We have a different LGBTQ group with meetings for teens. Son attended one, but didn't like it. He said he had nothing in common with the kids since he wasn't being bullied at school for his orientation. (A friend who's daughter is also homeschooled and is a lesbian has said the same thing about LGBTQ teen groups near her.) Gods, I'm not dismissing them. I just wanted to put it out there that we have looked into groups. It just seems like none apply to us since we're an accepting family and our son cares more about video games than he does his orientation. It's just not a big deal to him.

Hoping some of this made sense. Sorry that it's so long.

lillith1991

You sound like the sweetest mom. My own mother takes a similar stance and adores my gf. In her eyes I'm me and its a part of me. I'm her daughter and also a lesbian end of story. There needs to be way more parents that are like that, because your right. We don't change when we come out at all. That little child who liked certain stories or fell asleep to certain songs is still there. The kid you watched grow and run and play isn't gone. At least when it comes to gay and lesbian kids.

Oddly I understand why a parent mourns when they have a trans child, even though its just the outside that's different. Because they are gaining a daughter or son but at the same time losing one. Its a strange way of thinking but its how people tend to think. Funny thing is that at only 22 I've seen a few friends transition and its just isn't a problem for me at all. I don't mourn their change even though I could understand why a parent might, even one who accepts their child no matter what. They have always been who they are just like I have been. And I don't see them any differently.

I have a story that I think would make you smile. One of my close friends during middle school who I keep in contact from time to time has a mother that fully supports her. While her mother was pregnant she had dreams of having a daughter. Even the doctors were surprised when my friend was born male. So Kimmie grew up male until the summer before sofmore year in highschool. Her father rejected her her mother accepted it. Her mom even through her a party once she had been on estrogen for a year. I went to that party. It was not only fun but a testament to a mothers love, and in the right her mothers dreams were correct. She had carried a girl, it only took a while for it to be obvious to other people to. Her moms an amazing woman.

BenchPressingCats

OMG, both of these posts are tear jerkers!

I actually just listened to that song because of the thread the OP mentioned. I heard bits of it on The Colbert Report, but never the whole song. I also hate it when people think of being homosexual, pansexual, asexual, transgender, etc as a "lifestyle choice." I am straight and I never CHOSE to be straight. I have questioned my sexuality, sometimes still do but never claimed to have CHOSEN to be straight or to question.

I have heard far too many stories about teenagers being kicked out of their houses, attempting or succeeding at suicide, or being beaten and bullied for being homosexual, it's terrible. I am so happy that you are accepting of your son, OP. I know it's tough for him in the world as it is right now, and I'm glad he has you for support.

BenchPressingCats

Luckily, times are changing for the better. Continued awareness and activism is needed. My son wants to run for president some day, after being a lawyer for those who have been bullied like himself, and so we watch a ton of news, Rachel Maddow, Anderson Cooper, The Daily Show, and The Colbert Report. I'm very active on tumblr with both a Glee fandom/LGBTQ rights/femism/politics blog and a parenting an LGBTQ child/cool things one. In other words, if I didn't catch it on the news, I'll see it on tumblr as I follow amazing people.

Forgot to mention, as a political science major and a political activist, I cannot wait to have our first gay president! Honestly, I cannot wait to see more atheists or agnostics in government. As of right now, there is only one atheist woman in Congress. One. :noway:

leebesstoad

BenchPressing -- I love your posts, but one quibble. You and I are going to have to have a major league SlutOff here. Cause there is no way in the world you could possibly qualify as MFP's biggest slut. Not with my track record. :drinker:

MartialPanda

holy jeez............all of you are so flipping cute. I can't. ugh. I loved reading all of these posts. You're all so wonderful and I love hearing about supportive parents who understand their child is still their child no matter who they love.

I'm a 22, bengali indian, who has graduated from college and currently holds a good job, pays for my own rent etc, HOWEVER I seemed to have failed my parents because I loved a beautiful woman for the past 2 years. My parents love me.......i know that for sure but even they do not have the right, in my personal opinion, to disrespect me as a person by denying that part of me. I did not "choose" this "lifestyle". I merely loved another human being who completes me, respects me, helps me, supports me, while I give all of that back to her as well.

My parents will take an extremely long time to come around. Honestly, i'm not expecting them to ever come around and it will be a surprise if they ultimately do. However, they did do one thing right. They tell me that they love me and haven't cut me off completely. They still allow me to be around my little sister (10 years younger) and be around. I can't say it's a warm welcoming every time i'm there but i'm still welcomed.

That may be slightly off topic but i just wanted to give my bit.

MartialPanda

Also what the hell happened in the Same Love and Doma forum?? It was fine when i looked at it a few days ago.

AnaCoffee

I have a story that I think would make you smile. One of my close friends during middle school who I keep in contact from time to time has a mother that fully supports her. While her mother was pregnant she had dreams of having a daughter. Even the doctors were surprised when my friend was born male. So Kimmie grew up male until the summer before sofmore year in highschool. Her father rejected her her mother accepted it. Her mom even through her a party once she had been on estrogen for a year. I went to that party. It was not only fun but a testament to a mothers love, and in the right her mothers dreams were correct. She had carried a girl, it only took a while for it to be obvious to other people to. Her moms an amazing woman.

Thank you! I loved it!

Hub & I want to throw our son an Ugly Betty, "We know you're gay & that's okay!" party when he decides his next orientation (whatever that is.) It's like, "Come on already! I've already bought the rainbow crepe paper and have a whole Party City wishlist." LOL! It's not like our living room/homeschool area doesn't already look like a pride festival exploded what with rainbow bunnies & rainbows with happy suns & clouds classroom decorations & pride flags & the "My son deserves the same rights as his mom & dad" poster we made for the marriage equality rally. LOL! Plus, our son thought the Ugly Betty party was hilarious and recorded it on his iPod.

And thank you all for your responses. Truly, I needed the smile today. :flowerforyou: It's been a bad week of vivid dreams & nightmares sleep/non-sleep and getting the hungries at night which keeps pushing me over or close to my calorie limit, even when I upped it. Just the usual 2nd (or is it 3rd now) week slump, I guess. I know it'll get better and easier. Like I said, I needed the smile. So, thank you! You all made my day! :flowerforyou:

mustapekka

I'm speaking a bit from outside, as I don't live in the US. But this concerns us all, so I'm gonna post anyways!

Like someone here said "it does get better" and Sweden is a great example of that.

Until 1979 homosexuality was considered a mental disorder here. (That's just 30 something years ago!) Today we have full constitutional rights, the right to marry, adopt children etc etc. We have the support of the political left AND the political right. Just recently even the royal family (which is not allowed to express political opinions) voiced it's support for gay rights. Homophobes are not very well tolerated in our country. And even if I wouldn't go so far as to say that we've reached the end of the road and that all is perfect, at least we're approaching something that feels very much like...equality. Changes like that happen only because brave and smart people, like you that have posted in this thread, stood up and spoke up.

And, even though I personally don't like much attention drawn to my person, I still make it a point to discretely make people around me aware of the fact that I'm homosexual. I do that only because I want people to understand that we are EVERYWHERE - we are sons and daughters, co-workers and classmates, neighbors and MPF-members. It won't help to try to make us sit in the back of the bus, to de-friend us on social forums or whatever. We're not going anywhere.

I warms my heart to hear your stories, and as long as there are people like you out there I still have hope that things around the world will change for the better! And in the end love will triumph hate.

BenchPressingCats

BenchPressing -- I love your posts, but one quibble. You and I are going to have to have a major league SlutOff here. Cause there is no way in the world you could possibly qualify as MFP's biggest slut. Not with my track record. :drinker:

That title was given to me by a closed minded little *kitten*. You'd have to earn your own!

Jarice12

Don't you ever step off your soapbox Mom. Your son is one incredibly lucky young man. It is getting better for our LGBTQ youth. But we're not there yet. Not by a long shot. There is still far too much bullying. Far too many attempt suicide and regrettably many succeed. The problem of teenage homelessness for our LGBTQ youth is still large. Mostly driven by parents who throw their children out of their homes and disown them when they come out. Or they still subject them to conversion therapy. But there are more and more parents like you, who understand that it isn't a choice. And so there is hope.

As for me, all I can say is thank you. Thank you for standing up and supporting your son. Thank you for loving your son so unconditionally. It touches this gay man's heart to see that. THAT is what love is.

I hope you are a member of PFLAG, because they need parents like you to be involved. Hopefully there is a GSA or GLSEN organization in your son's school. I hope he feels safe at school.

And although he is questioning now, I know that his mother will be there to support him.

At times I get discouraged here. I try to be active. At first on the forums, I kept my orientation quiet. But no more. I don't make a big deal of it, but I talk about my partner, I talk about being a gay man openly on the main forums with no worries. And yes, I've had people who have actually posted requests for friends to support them turn down my offer of friendship because I include that I am gay. It's their loss. I also have made some incredible friendships with some people you would find rather unlikely. But it still is disheartening. Like tonight when the Same Love thread was shut down so quickly. Like the DOMA thread before it. At times I feel the LGBTQ community is being told to go to the back of the bus. To know our place. This place:



And yet, my friends tell me I am an inspiration. So I trudge on. I just hope that one day, we won't have to ride the back of that bus.

Thank you again for giving me hope. You really are a remarkable mother. When your son gives you grief (and he will, that's what teenagers do), tell him that he will REALLY appreciate how remarkable you are later in life.

FR sent.

There will be no back of the bus for us! That would be almost as impossible as getting black people to go in the back. We have to refuse to be ignored, mistreated, discriminated against. When things are not right (ie. for our kids in school) we need to make it known that it will not be tolerated. I know everyone isn't an activist, but we all need to stand up for ourselves and for our kids. Yea, it gets discouraging when we hear the "bible thumpers" and the politicians say what they believe. But we have to be strong in what We believe. It's hard to combat all the bull**** but we can't let our kids see us torn down by it. I have to be strong when kids ask my children who their stepmom is and they feel awkward and when the other parents give us funny looks at the baseball field. Most everyone knows us now and are "used to us" because our kids are in everything lol but we still get the occasional old lady screw face. And yes, it bothers me when we get stares in the grocery store and church, oh God church. But I'm still growing spiritually and learning how to work on this from the inside out.
I know I went all over the place lol but I just wanted to show some support. Things will get better for all of us when we refuse to accept otherwise!

Jarice12

I'm speaking a bit from outside, as I don't live in the US. But this concerns us all, so I'm gonna post anyways!

Like someone here said "it does get better" and Sweden is a great example of that.

Until 1979 homosexuality was considered a mental disorder here. (That's just 30 something years ago!) Today we have full constitutional rights, the right to marry, adopt children etc etc. We have the support of the political left AND the political right. Just recently even the royal family (which is not allowed to express political opinions) voiced it's support for gay rights. Homophobes are not very well tolerated in our country. And even if I wouldn't go so far as to say that we've reached the end of the road and that all is perfect, at least we're approaching something that feels very much like...equality. Changes like that happen only because brave and smart people, like you that have posted in this thread, stood up and spoke up.

And, even though I personally don't like much attention drawn to my person, I still make it a point to discretely make people around me aware of the fact that I'm homosexual. I do that only because I want people to understand that we are EVERYWHERE - we are sons and daughters, co-workers and classmates, neighbors and MPF-members. It won't help to try to make us sit in the back of the bus, to de-friend us on social forums or whatever. We're not going anywhere.

I warms my heart to hear your stories, and as long as there are people like you out there I still have hope that things around the world will change for the better! And in the end love will triumph hate.

Absolutely ALL of this^^^^

leebesstoad

BenchPressing -- I love your posts, but one quibble. You and I are going to have to have a major league SlutOff here. Cause there is no way in the world you could possibly qualify as MFP's biggest slut. Not with my track record. :drinker:

That title was given to me by a closed minded little *kitten*. You'd have to earn your own!

I have references. Lots and lots and lots and lots and LOTS of references. Many from the same evenings.

lilawolf

It will just take time. I have two comments:

My grandma has always been against gay marriage, more than a little racist, and just generally a product of the way she was raised. She was never violent toward anyone, but definitely said and believed truly hurtful things at least in private. The thing that changed all of that? Her love of her granddaughters. My cousin came out as lesbian and was kicked out by her family. They gave her money so she wasn't on the street, but said that they didn't want to see her again. My grandma has the choice to do the same or change her views. Fast forward 1-2 years, and she offered my cousin and her girlfriend her backyard for their wedding! Watched them cuddle and flirt without batting an eyelash. I told her I was bi around that time, and I think she just gave the mental equivalent of throwing her hands in the air. She loved us and it didn't matter. She had to pick love or hate, and I'm proud to say that she chose love. This is one reason why I think all LGBTQ people should be as out as possible, because judgements can't be challenged without knowledge. The more personal the better.

Cousin number 2 had a child with her black boyfriend. Grandma had them over, fed them dinner, and positively COOED at that little boy. I haven't heard a discriminatory comment (against anybody) since these two things happened!

Second, there was a Cheerios commercial that a lot of people freaked out about because there was a black father, a white mother, and a mixed race child. They showed the commercial to a bunch of kids and filmed their reactions. None of them noticed a problem, even when prompted. Made me think that in 10 years (5? 15?), we will be having the same controversy about a cheerios commercial with two daddies or mommies.

BTW, do any of you know of a way to specifically target those who have been kicked out for being gay to foster or adopt them? I'm not sure I want to have children myself, but I would consider doing something like this.