How do you deal with Toxic People?

bmeadows380

When I say toxic people, I'm not just talking about the kind that tear down everyone around them through criticism or even the kind that wear people down by their own stinking attitude. So I'm not just talking about the trolls who fat-shame on social media. I'm talking about those who are well-meaning in their own way, but are completely thoughtless as to the shame and effect on one's self esteem their words have on others, especially those of us who are sensitive to words and attitudes or who desperately need acceptance or understanding as they fight this incredibly harsh and multi-faceted war with their self image and body weight. Or perhaps I'm just the kind of person who wears my heart on my sleeve and am too sensitive and need to learn to grow thicker skin and figure out a way to keep the barbed comments from hitting my heart - or keep my own negative thoughts from twisting the meaning of what was said....

Am I the only person who has these kind of folks in their lives? for years, I have struggled with my weight - I have been obese since I was a junior high kid, and it's only gotten worse as time goes by. And for years, I've lived with extended family members making comments that shame me and make me feel as though I'll never be good enough. The worst by far, however, are my grandparents, my dad's mom and dad. They've both been intensively into maintaining weight since as far back as I can remember. My grandmother was a weight watchers member and then Tops member for years, even though she's 5'9" and wears a medium without an ounce of extra fat on her. And all my life I remember hearing comments from them on my weight, or little anecdotes about weight loss. It didn't matter my achievements; it didn't matter how smart I was, or how well I did in my piano lessons, or whatever - it seemed that I was always something of a disappointment in their eyes because I was heavy. That's the impression they left on me as a young girl, and it carries into adulthood. When I was managing to lose some weight, it was always "how much weight have you lost now" questions from them, and when I had to admit that I was stalled or had gained it back, their look only made me feel about 2 inches tall, and they'd quickly change the subject. When speaking of my cousins, it was many comments on how well they were doing, how active they were, and sometimes, when one had gained weight while in college, their would be words of woe because of it, but they didn't seem to notice my accomplishments, only my failure at losing weight and keeping it off. I would almost think it was all my head, that perhaps I have some sort of latent jealousy that is skewing the situation completely, but my brother, who is also heavy, has said he's had the same treatment. In fact, he goes out of his way to avoid these grandparents because he's tired of the comments.

I'd hoped that they wouldn't affect me the older I got, that I'd be able to see past the comments and not allow them to sting, and yet, here I am at 37, having a family dinner with several relatives, and yet my grandfather's words at the table still struck me just as sharply as a finely-honed dagger. It seems that the little girl inside me craving attention still comes to the surface at times. My grandfather comments, as we're having dinner (a completely unhealthy lasagna made by my aunt, of which I had managed to refrain myself to only half a slice instead of a whole one with all the trimmings) about this singer in a quartet that had come to church a few years ago. The singer had been, in my grandfather's words, "over 400 lbs and was huge". He then goes on to say that when he sees someone who is fat who says its too difficult to lose weight, that he claims they're just being lazy because this quartet singer, who returned to their church last year a much slimmer man, managed to lose 180 lbs, and, he insists he did it without surgery, though my grandmother pointed out that my grandfather didn't really know that for sure. But in any case, whether or not he had bariatric surgery is beside the point.

Now I'm not by any means denigrating the singer - its a huge accomplishment for him, and I'm very very happy for his great success and see him as an inspiration to me to keep trying. But why does just about every conversation with my grandparents have to turn to body weight? Why can't they realize that their little comments cut instead of heal, weaken instead of strengthen, tear down instead of build up, shame instead of accept? It's like seeing an article on weight loss or a video on the obesity epidemic and seeing all the fat-shaming trolls' comments below it, reinforcing society's mentally that all obese people are obese because we're lazy, gluttonous, or just plain stupid and too stubborn to do what we should be doing to be healthy, and that we're dragging everyone else down with us because of our obesity, from skyrocketing health care costs to killing the ozone and filling the atmosphere with metric tons of extra carbon dioxide. Why is it so wrong to show a fat person a little compassion, to give them a little affirmation that despite their size, they are deserving of dignity as a member of the human race, and worthy of compassion?

How do you deal with people like that, especially if you are like me and are affected inside quite badly by the comments, even though you wish you weren't so terribly sensitive to the opinions of others? I mean, I avoid the trolls by just not reading comments made online, but how do you deal with the loved ones in your life who make assumptions or callously hurt you, especially if they're the kind of folks who would laugh you off and deny what they were doing if you approached them on it?

sorry for the huge post - I just dealt with that situation today and apparently, I badly needed to decompress and order my thoughts.......

ronjsteele1

I understand right where you're at - and it's so much worse when it's family. I did learn to grow a little bit thicker skin, but that will only go so far. I have spent a ton of time dealing with the emotional side of this and on a practical level I finally told my said person that while I'm sure they love me, being with them is not something I choose to do so they'll have to forgive my lack of presence when they're around. And then I've done just that. I don't go to family functions, I don't talk to them on the phone, etc. Once in awhile I will email and generically say hello to check in with them but that's it. I don't even answer my phone if they call (thankful for caller ID). The person did not like what I said, denied their role in causing emotional pain and turmoil, etc. I discovered that it's making the choice not to be hurt by them anymore.

I so get the desire to have acceptance, want to be loved as a child should be loved, etc. This is my mom I speak of and what she's said and done was not weight related, but very abusive nonetheless. I finally figured out I can continue to let her hurt me or I can walk away, focus on dealing with the damage she's already done, and go on to live a successful life. The greatest revenge is succeeding and leaving behind the very person that is causing all the pain. They get no opportunity to share in your joy and success in the end.

All I can do is empathize with you. But you definitely have to make the choice to walk away from it/them. And ultimately, dealing with the pain it's caused will aid your weight loss efforts.

theowlbox

I always hesitate when responding to these posts because there are not enough emojis to express my inflections and my meanings, and I'm always afraid I come across as sounding cold, calculating and mean. So please, when you read this, imagine that we've known another for a long time and that I am your fiercely loyal friend who is extremely direct, competitive and confident. Imagine that I heard you relate that story and you saw me getting more and more irritated with them on your behalf. This is what I would say:

Look, you cannot let these people pop off to you about anything just because you love them, or they are old or you have to see them on holidays. These people are old so they are battle worn they dealt with Hitler and WW2 and the bomb. They should be able to handle anything you say to them. Such as: you're right, I am overweight. I was likely affected by the nutso approach you have to food and you constantly treating me like you get to talk crap about my body. I learned by good example, so this is your fault too. Happy Mother's/Father's/Grandparents' day. That plus sized child in this photo? Who did that? You. So while I clean up the g d mess you helped make and get myself into a positive place with food ( which you can't help with because *you are not in one*) I want to hear zero from you. Every time you say something I will lovingly remind you that you are not helping and ask what you were hoping my response would be. I will consistently and if necessary PAINFULLY AND EMBARASSINGLY remind you of your part in my struggles until you pipe the f down because How. Dare. You. If you love me you will make an effort and if you dont i will know that you are unwilling to stop hurting me and like any rational human being I will spend no time with you. Zero.

You are a grown person. You get to choose your experience. Why would you continue to choose this? Snip snip snip! I shape my life how I want it to be. I control my adulthood. Imagine all the energy you put towards this situation over the years. Imagine the effect on you, your body image, your stress levels, your relationship with food, self esteem and confidence? What if you surrounded yourself with wonderful Oprah caliber friends and loved ones?

Anyhoo, I swear I'm not mean or angry. I am just aggressively self confident. So here's my two cents and I hope you don't think I'm evil.

Okiludy

I get it at times from a boss. The passive aggressive fat stuff. I just ignore it and just think that to need to denigrate another your life needs to be *kitten*. Why else do you need it to boost your ego?

From social media I have no clue. I do not participate in it. In fact the only board I write on is here and that is mainly for people to share/learn from. I think social media hurts our society more than it help and refuse to join in the further dehumanizing effects it has.

Now in terms of family, especially one that you feel love you but do not know they hurt with words. Tell them how it feels. Do not make a production out of it. Tell them when it's just you and them and be as calm as possible. Emotions such as sadness would be fine but keep anger the hell away. If after the talk they keep it up then walk away for a few months. I am not advocating forever but a lengthy break on less angry terms might help you fix your resolve and let you get the baggage of it all under control. You can not change a person most of the time but you can change yourself and your reactions to them.

theowlbox

I can understand why some people would choose to act more naturally and not show anger, but here is why I suggested it: A. It's a human emotion and expressing your emotions when you feel them can be a healthy way to deal wuth them and move on. If you dont feel angry about how they treat you, no reason to express that emotion to reflect your lived experience. B. I'd you're able to be neutral, great! But sometimes we tell ourselves that to be "better people" we have to say and do certain things that are at odds with how we feel. When we participate in inauthentic expressions of emotion, it *can* start to write a victim/martyr story about the events. Expressing your anger if you actually feel it can help you feel that you have more agency in your story and give you a feeling of strength. (But so can just expressing your true hurt with resolve. Anger is not a magic bullet.) And C. If you have poor self esteen, expressing protection around your feelings and your body can help you push back against beliefs that they could be right, that you deserve this treatment, etc. (It's not the only or probably the absolute best way to create self esteem, but I was looking for a 2 pronged approach of stopping their behavior and cultivating a sense of protecting your most valuable possession.)

Again, I'm not saying anger is the only way, but I do think it has its uses!

Ok, have a great day ladies, I'll pipe down now

Okiludy

@thowlbox I agree anger does have uses. I was a Marine so oh yes I know anger can be a great tool. I have been using it as I lift. Anger at how bad I let myself go. Anger at the strong possibility I'll have loose skin when I am done. Anger I did not start earlier.

Thing is I have found that if you are trying change another's actions anger just gets them on the defensive. Now loved ones should respond to honest sadness as they most likely care if your hurting or not. But from personal observation showing anger to my parents only drove a pretty think wedge between us.

bmeadows380

Thanks, guys! I know your advice is sound, though I fully admit it's not easy to do! My family, the whole extended family, has always been trained that you don't cause conflict, you hold it in, and you don't rock the boat. Issues are not talked about or dealt with openly, or even in front of other family members. It's extremely difficult for me to open up, in part because in the few instances in the past (even recently with the ex-roommate) when I try to describe how their actions make me feel, it all falls apart, and I end up messing things up royally and nothing gets resolved with the actual outcome being hard feelings and no understanding whatsoever. I have an extremely difficult time expressing myself verbally, and always end up sounding whiny instead of earnest. I've tried at times to write letters instead, because I find it easier to express myself in writing, but even that gets wordy and long-winded (I can't seem to figure out how to condense my thoughts) and I can't say it's ever worked either - the person I've handed the letter to simply ignores it and we go along as though nothing was ever said.

And it's even harder when you are dealing with folks that you know will not react favorably. My roommate used to get so angry when talking about how badly her mother treated her father, and she couldnt' understand why her father just took it. See, the ex-roommate is very much an open person who doesn't hold it back at all and tells you exactly as she feels. But I could see it from her father's side, though i could never get the roommate to understand. When you are dealing with someone who refused to acknowledge they are part of the problem, refuses to admit that they are hard or overbearing or insensitive, who insists on their way all the time and who are extremely critical, when they refuse to compromise or give at all, then you have 2 options: you can dig in your heels and insist on trying to get through to them, which in turn means constant conflict and war, or 2) you can do the compromising. I'm not saying that option 2 is necessarily the right one, either, because I also know from examples in my life that when you are doing all the compromising all the time, bitterness easily takes root, and you end up feeling used.

I tend to be like my brother - I usually try to avoid those kinds of folks in my life - just like I stay far from social media - i don't even have a facebook account! But I'll think hard on your advice, Owlbox and Okiludy. Thank you very much for the feedback and for the defense - you definitely didn't offend me! And I apologize if I sounded whiny and for writing such an epic......

bmeadows380

I don't think you're evil Owl Your comments sounds very, very much like my roommate! Sometimes, her openness felt a little abrasive, but her honesty let you know exactly where she stood. She hated hypocrisy and so she held nothing in. I, on the other hand, have a very hard time saying what I feel, and I do often feel bad about how I approach things because it can be deceptive at times, even though I truly am not meaning to lie; I'm trying to hold my irritation in because I don't want to hurt someone, especially if they can't help it. So if someone is irritating me, or I have to deal with someone I really don't like, my tendency is to paste a smile on my face and treat them nicely - though I'm better at it at times than others....