Why are people so cruel?

fatoldladyonamission

Some of you already know about my situation, basically discovered that a so called friend had completely character assassinated me over my weight at the beginning of January, anyway it sent me into a complete tailspin, the first two weeks or so that I was here I didn’t eat anything at all, didn’t leave my house and basically just sat and sobbed about it. She didn’t just make the odd offhand comment she portrayed me in the worst possible light under the guise of ‘caring and concern’. But it so clearly wasn’t. Anyway it seems that even though I didn’t involve anyone else she’s now still attacking me publicly now and doing everything she can to completely destroy me. I honestly can’t cope with much more of this. I will not respond to her or her lies but that must leave mutual friends wondering if I really have done what she says I’ve done and it’s so unfair.

We’ve had such a horrendous last couple of years, my husband lost his leg which has completely changed all our lives, 3 weeks after that my beloved horse I’d had for 16 years had something go horribly wrong and I had to watch him put to sleep whilst fitting and kicking on the ground without even getting to kiss him goodbye. I lost my dog not long after this and now my godmother is dying of brain cancer. Why can’t this horrible woman leave me alone? She’s mid forties not a child, why can’t she just move on? She started a new attack last night and I’m in bits again. I’ve done nothing to her and really can’t take any more. I don’t know how to make her stop but I’m scared I’m going to end up hurting myself over it all. I really can’t take any more.

rabidhamster87

@fatoldladyonamission Oh no! I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. Just one of those things would be tough to deal with on its own without everything piling up!

First, I hope you don't still consider this woman your friend! I'd completely remove that title! She is not your friend. Friends don't act this way. She sounds incredibly toxic and dramatic.

Second, as far as the mutual friends go, I would just stay calm and pretend like you don't know or care what she's saying. If anyone asks you about it, just act surprised and deny the crap she's saying. Then change the subject. She'll dig her own grave if she's the only one stirring stuff up. It will reflect badly on her and eventually other people will start to see her true colors for themselves. And if you need to, you might consider cutting some mutual friends out too if it seems like they're stirring the pot with her. Just ask yourself what you gain from having these people in your life and then consider what you pay to have them in your life. Does the gain outweigh the cost for you? If it doesn't, maybe you should just move on from them too.

I can't understand what you're going through because everyone's situation is different, but I can sympathize. About 5+ years ago I had a terrible loss involving an unexpected pregnancy and I was grieving, going through a lot when I found out my "friends" were talking behind my back. I came to the realization that sometimes entire groups of people can be toxic. They just feed off each other and exacerbate the situation by telling you one thing before turning around and telling someone else another thing. It's like they're actively brewing trouble! To give you an idea of how bad it got, these people posted a youtube video of me, calling me names in the description and tagging my entire full name so that anyone could find it. Then they shared the youtube video on Facebook, etc. I don't know why, but certain people just don't seem to outgrow that crappy, bullying attitude and I ended up losing almost all of my friends from that group over this... I still occasionally talk to one or two who weren't involved, but I don't really trust them because I know they're still friends with the ones who hurt me. But I don't regret it. I was a little lonely at first, but my stress level went down MAGNITUDES. I felt SO much relief. Once those people were out of my life, it was like I could breath again. I didn't even realize how much it was affecting me until I was free of them! And I made new friends over the years, friends who are nice and kind, friends who would never even dream of talking about me behind my back, let alone posting mean internet videos of me! You can make new friends too.

Mellykay88

@fatoldladyonamission nothing I can say will take away the pain that you must be going through. Like @rabidhamster87 said, this person is not your friend. It sounds like she is a very insecure and weak person. Please know that this hateful behavior reflects on HER character, not on yours! You have been through more in the past few years than anyone should have to go through and you came through it! Now you are on the other side and you are working so hard to get healthy again. You can and are doing something about your weight, but this person needs to do something about her character.

Please cut ties with this person (even if it means cutting ties with the whole group). Anyone who makes you feel like hurting yourself is not someone who you need in your life.

fatoldladyonamission

Thanks you both. I do have lots of other friends I know have my back so there is that. I’ve completely distanced myself from her now but I completely understand what you mean about not being able to trust some of the others when they’re still close to someone who has hurt you so much. I’ve remained completely quiet and not said anything publicly but I think you’re right about distancing myself from them as a whole.

@rabidhamster87 I’m so sorry to hear that anyone could do that to you. I do not understand the mentality of deliberately hurting other people and I don’t think I ever will. What on earth can they possibly gain from it?

Such a sad reflection of some members of the human race.

pugsrmypatronus

I'm sorry your dealing with this, it's never fun to deal with *kitten* people. You should have friends who support you, not bring you down. If your friends in the group (outside of the one) are really your friends, they'd hear what this person is saying and dismiss it as they know you well enough to know it's not true. Maybe taking a break from the group as a whole would be helpful as sometimes when you step away, you can see that it's not worth it or if there are certain people who you want to stay friends with but want to distance others. I was in a really bad relationship and my therapist told me at the time that you can't change other peoples behavior, you can only change the way you react to it. At first I was annoyed as I thought why should I have to change when they are the one in the wrong but than I realized, I was taking the power back by saying I won't let this person speak to me this way and if they do, I'll do X. Don't let her awfulness deter your progress or take away from the great things you've done.

I'm not sure if you know the site, Captain Awkward, but she has lots of good scripts for these types of situations so it may be worth checking out!

fatoldladyonamission

@pugsrmypatronus Thank you I will go and check it out. I'm definitely going to be staying away now. You're right about changing my reaction rather than changing her. Just so surprised because I'd never realised she had so mich spite in her.

MzCara148

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Mean people suck.

theowlbox

Ugh. I'm so sorry you had to deal with this.
You have had a difficult time of it. The events you describe would be difficult for anyone. And you losing weight, taking on a project like that right now, (and succeeding!) Is so impressive to me. You should be so proud of yourself.
As far as that that woman is concerned: snip. I am a firm believer in getting rid of anyone not good for me. Snip anyone involved like cancer because they are. Our entire world experience is experienced through the lens of our peer group. Make more room for the gentle and loving people who want to support and love you to greatness not who want yo nitpick you like it's a sport. Sending you all kinds of good vibes now!

CheezWhiz88

Unfortunately, some people never outgrow their mean girl phase from middle school. When I was in my early 20’s I cut a friend out of my life that I felt was toxic. I mentally wished her all the best, but I emotionally moved on from her. I decided that sometimes, people are in your life at certain times for various reasons, and sometimes we outgrow those people, for one reason or another. Surrounding yourself with people who add richness and love to your life, and stepping away from those who incite chaos or pain simply means you are choosing you. And whether it’s for weight loss, new jobs, painful losses, new journeys, we owe it to ourselves to choose us and share those moments with supportive and kind people who make those moments better, not harder.

tammyfranks2

as anyone noticed how mean people are in the main forums ?? everyone in this forum is so nice and not judgmental, we all help each other and understand , but you say something in the other forum omg stand back cause people will get in your face LOL .also the woo button they use it a lot LOL big hugs everyone we rock !!!