I love all my gay brothers and sisters...BUT...

Xanthyen

Maybe it's just due to the fact I live in San Francisco and there are a lot of "fish in the sea," but it seems as though gay men (sorry I can't really speak about the ladies) in this city can be very fitness snobs. Not as much as L.A, thank god, but the attitude I've seen is rather striking. I've overhead several conversations at the gym, at the bar, at Starbucks, wherever that pretty much goes something along the lines of...

"My God can you believe how big he/she is...?"
"I know, right... they should be ashamed they got that big..."
"Put down the Big Mac girl and step on the treadmill..."

I even had someone at a bar in which I accidently bumped into while trying to navigate the crowd, turn around and say, "Watch where you're going fat boy..."

I just don't get it. We are one community yet we allow for this to happen. I for one have decided to speak up and say something every time I hear something like this, regardless if it's directed at me or not.

But I've also seen that the flip side is also true. I've many bear friends or those who are on the larger side who see these skinny boys running around the city making snide comments about them saying they should stepp off the treadmill and pick up a Big Mac.

So yeah, I've had to correct some of my friends. As I and other struggle with too much weight, there are those on the opposite end of the coin where maybe due to medical or maybe mental reasons are too much underweight. They battle with weight just as hard as the rest of us do, and deserve respect. Even if they are not struggling with their weight and are just naturally small, they deserve love and most important respect.

Anyway, thanks for allowing me to get on the soap box, I'll step off now.

CJ_Holmes

Good for you for speaking up! We all have to teach each other to be kinder and more aware.

I personally think a lot of the negative trends/stereotypes we observe in the LGBT community are a direct result of being an oppressed group. I wonder about the roots of this.

Historically (and currently, depending on your geography) LGBT people, labeled "deviants" and "perverts," were not allowed to participate in a lot of aspects of public life, and only found each other in bars. Queer connections were mostly based around partying and sex. Or politics, but still, outsiders, defined almost entirely by their sexual selves.

Maybe that's part of it, and then you add the fact that men are socialized to objectify people....

A lot of queer women, on the other hand, seem to feel the freedom to "opt out" of the social pressure to be thin, pretty, or fashionable, since they don't feel the need to be objectified by men. Generalization of course.

I'm curious how queer culture will change with more acceptance and legal protection. Other more disturbing trends such as high levels of mental illness, poverty, and suicide will most certainly change as young people don't feel so isolated in their identities.

edited for typo

AZ_Danny

That's basically why I dropped out of anything "gay" altogether. Granted, I don't feel the need to be around other gays (I tend to be quite annoyed by the gay community after a very short period of time lol). But I feel part of that is due to the worship of vanity, which regardless of my size, has always disgusted me.

MartialPanda

I'm totally with you here and i'm very glad you have chosen to speak up. I can't say i haven't participate though in the whole "wow really how did you let yourself do that??" I realize that it is wrong and my GF keeps me in check when I am being mean. Speaking from the ladies front the same weight bashing does occur but probably to a lesser degree. I hang out with a a lot of gay men and they tend to make a lot of weight comments and I kinda (sadly join in) but i'm trying to break that habit.

What personally annoys me...............and i might get yelled at for this...........is when i see masculine/ butch women PURPOSELY gain weight. Apparently it helps them mentally perhaps be a bit butchier. I'm not sure to completely honest. However, again it isn't fair of my to say anything just because it does not fit my profile which is outrageous to think in the first place.

As a minority group we should be much more welcoming and forgiving. We should be a family and accept everyone. It will hopefully get better as more people get used to coming out and it's more accepted socially overall.

kjennings0202

In my area I hear the same things come out of everyone's mouth, regardless of sexual orientation. I worked retail for years, and I heard so much "fat/ skinny" bashing it drove me insane. I think the straight women here are terrible! I would help a group of female friends pick out clothes, they would try stuff on, praise each other, then walk away and trash talk them about their weight. Out of my gay coworkers only one was really mean about anyone overweight, the other 4 never had much to say either way.

I personally don't understand all the hate about it. I tend to wonder what the back story is about a person. I want to know if the skinny woman bust her *kitten* daily at the gym, or has a great metabolism. Do the over weight woman have a thyroid issue untreated, or does she not eat healthy. Either way when it comes down to it, I don't want anyone judging me about my weight and assuming I'm over weight due to lack of self control, so I avoid thinking negatively about others.

Scudder76

Having been a 'fat boy' all around the world, I do think San Fransisco has a particularly biting *****y-ness. (I lived there for 4 years). I find that town to have a higher-than normal level of adults living in a sort of suspended adolescence. And if there are so many people 42 going-on 17, the high-school like behavior will be just part and parcel. Rooted largely in effrots to mask their own lack of self worth, of course.

NY may be a harsh, judgmental town, but at the end of the day, I find people here to value one another on a whole different, and mostly better, scale.

bcarman86

Good for you for speaking up! We all have to teach each other to be kinder and more aware.

I personally think a lot of the negative trends/stereotypes we observe in the LGBT community are a direct result of being an oppressed group. I wonder about the roots of this.

Historically (and currently, depending on your geography) LGBT people, labeled "deviants" and "perverts," were not allowed to participate in a lot of aspects of public life, and only found each other in bars. Queer connections were mostly based around partying and sex. Or politics, but still, outsiders, defined almost entirely by their sexual selves.

Maybe that's part of it, and then you add the fact that men are socialized to objectify people....

A lot of queer women, on the other hand, seem to feel the freedom to "opt out" of the social pressure to be thin, pretty, or fashionable, since they don't feel the need to be objectified by men. Generalization of course.

I'm curious how queer culture will change with more acceptance and legal protection. Other more disturbing trends such as high levels of mental illness, poverty, and suicide will most certainly change as young people don't feel so isolated in their identities.

edited for typo

Like.

dabearo

I completely agree with you. I travel from Dallas to the Bay Area. I completely forget about it until the first snide look, than I think " oh yah they don't like fat people here." Once I was in a small cafe, cute as could be, in cow hollow. Friend and I walked in and hostess looked at me and then at this tiny tiny table in a corner. Snarl " I guess I cant put you there!" I, not nearly caffeinated enough, said "I'd like to see you get your boney *kitten* in there." Shocked, she said " good point".

I was floored.

KANGOOJUMPS

well said

KaseyWolf

Keep it going forward. The more of us that speak up and show we do not tolerate bullying and judgement like this, the better it can get. Sometimes it just takes that one brave soul to ignite another. Also that bit of standing up for someone might give them the drive to start standing up for themselves.

kerosenekisses463

Totally agree, and it's SO HARMFUL. One of my best friends, who is nowhere near CLOSE to being slightly pudgy, let alone overweight, who works out every day, constantly laments that he's "so out of shape", which makes me look at all 263 pounds of myself and go, "Well, then, geez, what the heck am I?!" I used to think it was just him, but even going out to clubs I'd notice guys - RAIL THIN DUDES - talking about how they "struggle to keep off the weight". I just...what...? It's weird, because personally, I don't see a lot of it in the lesbian community: indeed, when I was engaged in Kansas, my fiancee would always tell me how she liked her women "bigger", basically giving me the freedom to eat whatever I wanted. I also worked at Sonic Drive-In during this time (no surprise this period of my life I was the heaviest I'd ever been, but I digress).

But aside from the normal annoying overwhelming pressures for women of every background to resemble a Photoshopped model 24/7 that comes along with living in the Los Angeles metro area, I haven't seen any additional demands on the lesbian community to be super skinny. Except on The L Word, but really, the reality of that show is another discussion.

TL;DR - Personally, I've seen weight pressures prevalent in the local gay community, but not so much in the lesbian community.

EvanKeel

I don't love all my gay brothers and sisters. For me, equality means that I don't care who you sleep with. And if you act like a little c&^% and are rude to perfect strangers who have done nothing to you, you should be prepared to get called out on it and mocked into oblivion.

Trust that this little bear can read a btch.

jakekaskey

I think there is sooooooooooo much to unpack in your post-- but also really glad you're standing up to those throwing the most shade. If the only way to feel good about yourself or build yourself up is by tearing down someone else, then there's more than simple weight issues at play.

And I think that's kinda the problem within the LGBT community There can be so much internalized shame, or emotional walls built up from decades-long abuse. Perhaps someone was kicked out of their house after coming out, and had to learn to survive on their own before any of us should ever have to do so. Drug abuse, suicide... all done in much higher rates within the LGBT community than our straight counterparts.

Now, please please don't take this as me condoning this behavior. Like I first wrote-- no one has the right to judge another, and in some regard we SHOULD know better, often sharing a common struggle (imagine if teens had to "come out" as straight). I'm not exactly sure if I have an argument here, per se-- more just thoughts to add to this really interesting thread.

I've found myself often on the receiving end of some *****y fat comment, but instead of succumbing to the self-loathing that can be all-too easily deepened by those comments, I remind myself who I TRULY am. How I see myself. How those who love me see me. What I do.