third times the charm

MissingMinnesota

I am going to try posting this again as I see that Chris was able to post a topic.

I have been discussing with some friends lately the topic of would you be comfortable if the other person in the relationship had a close friend of the opposite sex.

Would you be okay say if your boyfriend/girlfriend had a good friend of the opposite sex that s/he went to to discuss is intimate issues with?

Would you be insulted if your boyfriend/girlfriend told you that you could not be friends with someone that is of the opposite sex?

dbrightwell1270

Would I be bothered if a gf had good male friends? Maybe but probably not. I'd want to meet the friend to see how they interacted with me around. If either or both of them seemed uncomfortable with me around, I'd be suspicious that one or both of them harbored feelings for the other but hasn't acted on them.

Would you be insulted if a gf told me I couldn't have a good female friend? Any girl who told me who I could or could not hang out with regardless of gender would be hitting the road very shortly thereafter. I have one very good female friend and a few female friends that are well more than acquaintances but far from a bff. I dated a girl a few years ago who was so suspicious and insecure about herself that she would get angry and jealous anytime I mentioned anything about these other ladies. It got to the point where I didn't talk about them and felt like I had to hide stuff from her. I will never do that again.

AnnaPixie

YaY! Well done for your perseverance Ruth!

In answer:

My best friend of 26 years is male. We discuss any and everything. I dont really think we've ever discussed his sex life in any kind of detail. Perhaps the odd reference to orgasms or sex toys or something? But I did go to him for advice when I was seeing a guy that had erection issues!! I really do appreciate having a male perspective. I dont think my b/f would have appreciated it tho. But then again, that would be true if I was discussing his impotence with a man, woman or Dr! He just didnt want to discuss it himself......hmmm! anyway......

My ideal partner loves all my friends, and I love all of his. We all live in harmony and have great times together. That's how it's always been for me in the past. If a new guy I met couldnt mix with my friends then I'd have a problem with it. And if he told me what friend I could/should have or what I could/should discuss with them, then I'd consider him jealous and possessive and basically, not my type.

Relationships are built around trust and harnessing good friendships around that relationship, regardless of gender, speaks for a happy and fulfilling life, I think, both individually and as a couple.

pa_jorg

I know myself and I'd never be inappropriate when I'm in a relationship, so, yes, it would be offensive if a bf told me who I could or could not befriend. And it's impossible to put your spouse on a leash nor reign in every other woman/man in the world as much as sometimes you may want to... I think the key point is that each individual can only control themselves and their own actions as well as their own insecurities.

jenbit

My top 3 friends are male and I;ve known them since I was 16. If anyone tried to tell me who I couldn't be friends with that would be the death keel of the relationship.I would never presume to tell my Bf who he can and can't be firends with. If I am in a relationship with him I must trust him enough to assume he wont fall and land on her vagina lol........MY current BF has met most of my guy and girls and never once voiced disapproval about any of them. I've met his friends as well and though he doesn't have any close female friends if he did I would expect them to give me a once over (make sure I'm not taking advantage of their friend) and a stamp of approval lol

Tube_socks

I have a guy bff. Every bf has been "ok" about it till I bring it up that he might visit or if they saw his name pop up on my phone. I would reaassure them about it but still seems a grey area.

Now, when I'm in a relationship, I do have boundaries. I really try not to talk about my intimate feelings with friend because that should be my bfs area. Still, I have gone to him to get his point of view on something (as a guy). Also, if I were in a relationship I wouldn't let my guy BFF crash at my place out of respect. I wouldn't go visit him by myself either if I had a bf.

I do try to put myself in a bfs shoes. I always want him to feel comfortable with it. I'd hope if things were other way around, he'd do the same for me.

jesusHchris

I would be cool with it. I would also not want to be in a relationship with anyone who tried to tell me who I could and couldn't be friends with.

I admit it would be weird if the girl I was in a relationship with went out and met a new guy BFF during our relationship. I would probably be suspicious that the dude was trying to get in her pants. I'm not getting into a relationship with someone I don't trust 100% though, so not too worried about it.

castadiva

I'd be very skeptical of anyone who tried to tell me who I could and couldn't be friends with. Not only is that often an early sign of a controlling, and potentially abusive relationship, but I would be very concerned, and a bit insulted, that a partner didn't really trust me, if they were that worried that my friendships with other males might compromise our relationship.

I could understand a little discomfort with the unknown, and I'd have no problem introducing a boyfriend to my male friends - in fact, their assessment/approval of a potential partner might well be something I'd seek out, as I probably would with my female friends. Someone who's going to play a big part in my life would need to get on with my friends, after all, and I with his! I would not, however, take well to any attempt to tell me that I couldn't see my male friends outside a group situation, or to any implication that there was something 'improper' about us being friends - some of these guys are in relationships/married, and I trust both them and myself to keep our friendship within appropriate lines. They wouldn't be my friends otherwise (and there's no likelihood of anything more even being desirable with the majority!).

In terms of limits, I would definitely draw a line at speaking disrespectfully or unpleasantly about a partner, on either side of the equation, and I don't particularly want to hear about, or share, the intimate details of my or their bedroom shenanigans. I can't think of anything else offhand that I'd feel uncomfortable talking about - several of these guys are akin to being my brothers - and I have often found that close friendships with the opposite gender mean a really good sounding-board, and an uninvolved perspective from the other side of the gender equation, which is often beneficial to a relationship.

jenbit

HMM no one taking the oppisite role......???

OperationSuperKAT

So what would you all think if a married guy was actively pursuing a friendship with a single girl? Would you think it was sketchy if your wife/husband (definitely hypothetical here :laugh: ) was becoming friends with someone of the opposite gender who you have never met?

dbrightwell1270

The description of "actively pursuing" makes it sound kind of sketchy. I don't think I've ever "actively pursued" any of my friendships. They just sort of happen. I meet someone through a mutual friend or just by striking up a random conversation or by participating in a common event and the person either seem interesting or they don't.

There is effort and follow through but "actively pursuing" sounds like you are manipulating situations so that you can interact with the other person.

christine24t

I would not want my husband going off to hang with a female friend alone...that would not be kosher in my book. I would have no problem if he wanted to hang out with a group of females or hang out with me and my girlfriends or hang out in a mixed gender group...but hang alone with one female? Nope. I would feel disrespected if my husband went off to hang with a female friend alone...maybe it's my own insecurities that make me feel this way but it would never fly with me unless he was hanging with a cousin or sibling or lesbian friend.

By no means is asking my husband to refrain from a friendship if I think it could be damaging to our relationship controlling or abusive. I would express my concerns. It's not that I wouldn't trust him but its probably that I wouldn't trust her. Not everyone on earth is respectful of marriages and have absolutely no hesitation to hit on married men. I also don't want anyone to discuss our relationship, problems, sex life, etc. If he disagreed with me I wouldn't block the door as he was leaving but I would be disappointed.

In a relationship there must be mutual respect and mutual decision making. If he still wanted to see her, maybe we could make a compromise, like have her over for dinner or he could see her if another buddy came along or something.

If he decided that his relationship with her is more important than ours, I guess I have my answer.

jesusHchris

I would not want my husband going off to hang with a female friend alone...that would not be kosher in my book. I would have no problem if he wanted to hang out with a group of females or hang out with me and my girlfriends or hang out in a mixed gender group...but hang alone with one female? Nope. I would feel disrespected if my husband went off to hang with a female friend alone...maybe it's my own insecurities that make me feel this way but it would never fly with me unless he was hanging with a cousin or sibling or lesbian friend.

By no means is asking my husband to refrain from a friendship if I think it could be damaging to our relationship controlling or abusive. I would express my concerns. It's not that I wouldn't trust him but its probably that I wouldn't trust her. Not everyone on earth is respectful of marriages and have absolutely no hesitation to hit on married men. I also don't want anyone to discuss our relationship, problems, sex life, etc. If he disagreed with me I wouldn't block the door as he was leaving but I would be disappointed.

In a relationship there must be mutual respect and mutual decision making. If he still wanted to see her, maybe we could make a compromise, like have her over for dinner or he could see her if another buddy came along or something.

If he decided that his relationship with her is more important than ours, I guess I have my answer.

What if it was a long time female friend? Maybe they went to college together and had some crazy times with nothing sexual ever. It seems to me this would be the perfect person for him to discuss his relationship with. People need a sounding board with no chaperone present.

castadiva

By no means is asking my husband to refrain from a friendship if I think it could be damaging to our relationship controlling or abusive.

Just to point out that I didn't mean that this sort of behaviour is always a red flag of this sort. I did a fair bit of work for a couple of charities that helped with shelters etc for abused spouses, and attempts to control or limit who a partner interacts with/is friends with was always among the first few 'warning signs' they suggested people look out for, as it can often (not always) be an early step in isolating someone in a relationship that becomes abusive. That's not to say that every relationship where one partner wants to control their partner's friendships will become abusive, but it is something that I would find concerning. Just thought I should clarify!

It's not that I wouldn't trust him but its probably that I wouldn't trust her. Not everyone on earth is respectful of marriages and have absolutely no hesitation to hit on married men.

Surely, if this is someone you want to be in a relationship with, you would have to be able to trust him to walk away and not act on it if she hits on him? It takes two to tango...

jenbit

I always love the "its not him I don't trust its her" line ..Sorry no that not true ..Some small part of you doesnt trust him either . YOu know what someone in a relationship does when a person throws themself at them. They walk away. A guy doesn't accidently fall onto her vagina... It takes 2 people to cheat..... Personally my long term males friends and I talk to each other about everything. No subject has ever been taboo. None of the men I have dated every had a problem with that. MY LT exBF had a female friend who was stunning.... They had been friend for more then 10 yrs .... I trusted them together no matter what. Quite frankly LT female/male friends are the safest people for them to hang around with .IF they haven't hooked up in 10 odd years of knowing each other I highly doubt that now thier gonna fall on each other like a bunch of wild monkeys. .... Honestly if you try to tell someone they can't see thier Lt friends I feel you will lose everytime

christine24t

I would not want my husband going off to hang with a female friend alone...that would not be kosher in my book. I would have no problem if he wanted to hang out with a group of females or hang out with me and my girlfriends or hang out in a mixed gender group...but hang alone with one female? Nope. I would feel disrespected if my husband went off to hang with a female friend alone...maybe it's my own insecurities that make me feel this way but it would never fly with me unless he was hanging with a cousin or sibling or lesbian friend.

By no means is asking my husband to refrain from a friendship if I think it could be damaging to our relationship controlling or abusive. I would express my concerns. It's not that I wouldn't trust him but its probably that I wouldn't trust her. Not everyone on earth is respectful of marriages and have absolutely no hesitation to hit on married men. I also don't want anyone to discuss our relationship, problems, sex life, etc. If he disagreed with me I wouldn't block the door as he was leaving but I would be disappointed.

In a relationship there must be mutual respect and mutual decision making. If he still wanted to see her, maybe we could make a compromise, like have her over for dinner or he could see her if another buddy came along or something.

If he decided that his relationship with her is more important than ours, I guess I have my answer.

What if it was a long time female friend? Maybe they went to college together and had some crazy times with nothing sexual ever. It seems to me this would be the perfect person for him to discuss his relationship with. People need a sounding board with no chaperone present.

I know it would make me uncomfortable if he was discussing our fight we had last night, or our sex life, or whatever. That could very well lead to no good in my opinion. You know when you're talking to a friend about something and 99% of the time they take your side? Yeah I don't want another woman telling my husband or boyfriend that I'm wrong and he's right...in my mind that leads to nowhere good.

I would have no problem if he and his college buddies wanted to have a big hangout but him and her alone? Nope.

jesusHchris

I know it would make me uncomfortable if he was discussing our fight we had last night, or our sex life, or whatever. That could very well lead to no good in my opinion. You know when you're talking to a friend about something and 99% of the time they take your side? Yeah I don't want another woman telling my husband or boyfriend that I'm wrong and he's right...in my mind that leads to nowhere good.

I would have no problem if he and his college buddies wanted to have a big hangout but him and her alone? Nope.

I understand the "feeling uncomfortable" part and agree with you. I wish I could never feel jealousy, but I know it slips in here and there. That's a tough one.

I know that, personally, I would not feel comfortable talking to my guy friends about my relationship issues - at least nothing more than surface level stuff. I do have some female friends that would listen to them without judging me and probably offer me a reality check on the situation without putting my penis in their mouth.

OperationSuperKAT

The description of "actively pursuing" makes it sound kind of sketchy. I don't think I've ever "actively pursued" any of my friendships. They just sort of happen. I meet someone through a mutual friend or just by striking up a random conversation or by participating in a common event and the person either seem interesting or they don't.

There is effort and follow through but "actively pursuing" sounds like you are manipulating situations so that you can interact with the other person.

Well, honestly this conversation came about because of a situation I am currently in with a former co-worker. He is married, but every couple of weeks or so he would IM me while at work and we'd chat for a while. By the time I was about to leave, our "chats" could last up to two hours. When I left he asked for my phone number and since I've moved out here has called me three times. I haven't really thought anything of it because he does talk about his wife positively and seems to genuinely enjoy his life. However, I've had a couple friends tell me that I "crossed the line" by giving him my phone number and that I'm essentially engaging in an affair with him. I don't think I am, but I would be interested to see what you guys thought. Personally, if I met his wife tomorrow I would enjoy meeting her and have no sense of shame for the friendship I have with her husband. Thoughts?

dbrightwell1270

Ask him if he talks to his wife about your conversations. If he says no, ask him why and be suspicious. If he says yes, ask him what he says. If he seems vague in his response or caught off guard, be suspicious. If he seems specific and/or relaxed, don't worry about it.

OperationSuperKAT

Ask him if he talks to his wife about your conversations. If he says no, ask him why and be suspicious. If he says yes, ask him what he says. If he seems vague in his response or caught off guard, be suspicious. If he seems specific and/or relaxed, don't worry about it.

Thanks, dbright! This is good advice

castadiva

The description of "actively pursuing" makes it sound kind of sketchy. I don't think I've ever "actively pursued" any of my friendships. They just sort of happen. I meet someone through a mutual friend or just by striking up a random conversation or by participating in a common event and the person either seem interesting or they don't.

There is effort and follow through but "actively pursuing" sounds like you are manipulating situations so that you can interact with the other person.

Well, honestly this conversation came about because of a situation I am currently in with a former co-worker. He is married, but every couple of weeks or so he would IM me while at work and we'd chat for a while. By the time I was about to leave, our "chats" could last up to two hours. When I left he asked for my phone number and since I've moved out here has called me three times. I haven't really thought anything of it because he does talk about his wife positively and seems to genuinely enjoy his life. However, I've had a couple friends tell me that I "crossed the line" by giving him my phone number and that I'm essentially engaging in an affair with him. I don't think I am, but I would be interested to see what you guys thought. Personally, if I met his wife tomorrow I would enjoy meeting her and have no sense of shame for the friendship I have with her husband. Thoughts?

Three calls in how long? You've been there a month or so, haven't you? For my money, that sounds like he enjoys chatting with you about a common interest, like I do with many of my male friends. Maybe he doesn't have a lot of friends where he is, or no-one who shares that particular interest. Assuming the conversation is general and doesn't veer over into the deeply personal and intimate, you've got nothing to worry about - it's a friendship, nothing more, and nothing to be ashamed of. I think the fact you'd have no qualms about meeting his wife is a pretty good sign that you know it's above board - if your friends hadn't overreacted, you'd likely never have questioned it, unless it started going somewhere it sounds like it hasn't. Contact may drop off now you're further away, as he finds someone else to chat to at work, or it may remain as it is, and you've (if you want to be friends with him) acquired a good friend.