I just need to vent

cnavarro002

Sorry friends, I just need to vent. It may seem I have been MIA for the past few months, but I've been here. Quietly observing, but here.

My life has been filled with unexpected medical emergencies from close family members, from my mother-in-law passing away after an incredibly short and unfair bout with cancer - which included weekly trips to her home 3-hours away every weekend for 8 weeks, my dad being diagnosed with cancer as well, having to take him to his daily radiation treatments about 30 miles away for the last 3 months, juggling trying to work in between trips to the cancer center, an intermittent leave when I finally realized I couldn't do it all, a household that still needed to be cleaned, food cooked, laundry, etc, a grieving husband mourning his mom, a daughter and grandson who moved back home because her husband got deployed, then having to say goodbye to them again, an emergency apendectomy from my teenage son, caring for him and my dad at the same time and finally trying to study for a huge professional development certification that would give me amazing recognition in my career. Nationwide it has a 40% pass rate - most of my colleagues took the test and passed 3 months ago. I am still trying to find time to study.

I am not looking for pity, just need to vent. Throughout this process I've gained about 24 lbs. (in the first 6 months). The last 3 months I have not gained, but I have not lost either. I have really tried to pay attention to my eating habits and, when energy was available, I have gone back to working out - however those days have been few and far between. I haven't slept in what feels like forever, and I am always tired. I'm sick of pineapple and cottage cheese, and chicken is getting really old. I'm am even more tired of the scale not moving.

I spoke to a wellness coach, well mostly cried, but explained what was going on. She explained that as long as I am under so much stress I won't lose weight. I understand, but at the same time seems dumb that if I am not eating as many calories, and am creating a deficit, why can't I lose weight? I worked so hard to get under 300 lbs., and as of today I am 303. She told me to put my scale away and not weigh for a while - this would eliminate one stresser - I didn't weight for a week, but did today, and am up 2 lbs.

I am at the point where I hate what I am eating, I'm not losing anything anyway, I just want to give up and say "who cares", but I don't want to be back in the mid 300's again. I already have 24+lbs to lose to get even to where I was, I don't want the gap to be bigger. But at the same time, I want the Olive Garden, I want the fast food, I want the stuff that made me fat to begin with. After all, the chicken and cottage cheese isn't working anyway.

I apologize if you've read this far. I have no questions. I'm not looking for answers, just needed to get my frustrations down on paper - well, you know what I mean. I know I have choices. And I know in the end I'll make the right ones, because my husband follows my lead and while I've gained 24, he's gained about 50 (and recently already lost 10). I need him to be healthy because I can't afford him getting sick. I need him.

Thanks guys

merph518

Here's hoping your situation improves soon. In the meantime, just do your best. When you're ready, get back on the right track.

Venting is good, I'm glad you found a place where you're comfortable enough to do so.

bmeadows380

oh honey, I understand the venting! I find myself doing it here all the time - why I call myself the resident Eeyore lol

I know so many folks on here insist that if you create a deficit you will lose weight, but it if were that simple, then why does it seem to stop or plateau? They insist that if you aren't losing then you don't really have a deficit, you're eating more than you think, etc, etc, etc. But why does what you were doing before that worked suddenly stop when you didn't change anything? I know the idea of starvation mode is a myth, but there does seem to be some sort of biological response that seems to make your body resist losing when certain factors kick in. I realize losing weight comes down to CICO - calories in < calories out; however, I wonder how that calories out portion is handled, seeing that it is a very dynamic part of it all. It makes you wonder if the body is really throttling that portion back in response to prolonged calorie cutting or in response to extreme stress like you are experiencing. All I know is that constantly being told to stick with it and you'll see results when you have months of stalled out loss or regain is incredibly difficult!

I have no idea what kicks the switch on in my brain that gets me to buckle down and actually lose weight and stick to my deficit and no idea what kicks it back off, like it did 18 months ago, and leaves me struggling to stay under maintenance and to tell myself no. Its so much harder, too, when you are exhausted, stressed, and run ragged - I understand you craving comfort and something quick that doesn't require effort!

I'm not going to offer any platitudes as you weren't looking for that anyway; you just have my deepest sympathy and know that I am pulling for you and am willing to listen any time you need to vent! Gotta let off some of that stress steam sometimes, and finding a neutral place to do it is always a godsend!