Letters from Hell
abomino
Posts: 9
I stood in the room alone. Dark, cold and distant even from myself. I was 30. Worldcom had fallen, and as the youngest Vice President in our Market…I fell with it. As I was walked out after the global shutdown (as we all were), I pondered what to do with the rest of my life. By then I had seen the world, witnessed life, and delivered others to the darkest places while in the sands of Iraq. All in all it was a good run I thought. For a moment I remembered how close I had been to God, almost asked for help for the first time in over 15 years. I looked up at the sky from the parking lot and decided not to. In the coming days I was administered a prescription of Xanax, which would be filled every month for the next eleven years. I was falling apart. I again thought of asking God for help….again, I decided not to. I liked to think of God much like a pilot thinks of a parachute…it is there, but you hope never to use it. The coming month would change my life (for a while). Someone gave me a religious book. I laughed at them. It was called the “Case for Christ”. To me not only was it bull**** all together, it was bull**** from some non-denominational author. I was not sure which was worse. I must admit that I still have no liking for those people and their acoustic guitar contemporary worship services and messages. They make it as if it is almost like not going to church…they should kneel and say “Servium” and perhaps learn.
Time went by and I looked at the book. I laughed and said that religion was for the weak, those who need a crutch when all else goes black. The medication was making me bat **** crazy and I was in the black. The sky was black and vacant of any response. Weights carried on the backs of Templars, the crooked TV Evangelists, the collection plate that was only second to the stewardship committee in a Presbyterian Church…I had seen my share of dysfunction and heard enough from those who preached with a bible that was vacant the books it was intended to have. I eventually read a book given to me by an author named Max Lucado. I felt again for the first time in regard to religion. Years went by, but I eventually returned to something the resembled a belief, some faith, and a hatred toward other denominations. Try as I might, I cannot change. I would have been a terrific Templar Knight, as I worked my across the same lands and sands for this place we call home. The anti Catholic talk track sickens me to no end. Always the same points as if all these people were taught by the same preacher. In the end, this is the true word, the true Church built upon Peter…..it is what it is.
Time went by and I looked at the book. I laughed and said that religion was for the weak, those who need a crutch when all else goes black. The medication was making me bat **** crazy and I was in the black. The sky was black and vacant of any response. Weights carried on the backs of Templars, the crooked TV Evangelists, the collection plate that was only second to the stewardship committee in a Presbyterian Church…I had seen my share of dysfunction and heard enough from those who preached with a bible that was vacant the books it was intended to have. I eventually read a book given to me by an author named Max Lucado. I felt again for the first time in regard to religion. Years went by, but I eventually returned to something the resembled a belief, some faith, and a hatred toward other denominations. Try as I might, I cannot change. I would have been a terrific Templar Knight, as I worked my across the same lands and sands for this place we call home. The anti Catholic talk track sickens me to no end. Always the same points as if all these people were taught by the same preacher. In the end, this is the true word, the true Church built upon Peter…..it is what it is.
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Replies
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Wow, you have certainly ridden the rollercoaster career-wise! (Just read up on Worldcom on Wikipedia). What a story! And to have been working hard in the midst of all that hidden fraud must have been such a betrayal. At 30, I suppose there is still that sense of invulnerability that is the attribute of youth---until life knocks it out of you. Your story reminds me of the poem Invictus:
Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
Xanax: did it keep you there, in that mindset? Eleven years is an extremely long time to be taking that drug. Good for you for pulling out of it.
I find it interesting that Max Lucado had such and influence on you, yet you say that you feel a hatred towards other denominations. Why is that? You mention years of the Holy Spirit working with you after that book opened you up. Were you a cradle catholic that returned? Or did you come to Catholicism by another path?
Opus Dei is certainly a very rigorous form of Catholicism. A good fit for a Knight Templar in the contemporary world. Yet it is not for everybody. The Holy Spirit does not limit itself to particular groups, but acts freely upon the world---even in those groups strumming guitars.
I agree with you about the anti-Catholic talk track, as it is one that poses the greatest difficulty to Christians today in terms of how we respond to it. I am finding that the documents of Vatican II are providing insights with how to best approach that difficulty, particularly in the light of the New Evangelization.
Thanks for sharing your testimony. I"m looking forward to having you share more insights from your pilgrimage through this life.0 -
Great poem. Thanks for sharing. Let me answer your questions. I was baptized Catholic and confirmed Lutheran. I was then agnostic for a bit and finally crossed over the line to a full blown atheist. Max Lucado had a way of writing that I think at the space I was in, was perfect to reach me. I was so excited after reading that book, I became religious again. From a year anyway lol.
I remained a vagabond for some time as I swung back and forth on the pendulum of faith so to say. As far as the Xanax-at first it mind raped me. Once is leveled off, it was fine...I was fine. It's funny, they said "Oh my, you have to get off of that. Too long on it. It can become addictive. If you quit taking it cold you can die, you need paxil or zoloft...as SSRI drug instead of benzodiazapenes" Funny thing is if you read about them...I am uncertain what makes them safer. They call them non addictive, yet read the warnings if you miss a dose lol.
My hatred of the contemporary non-denominational Churches are based on many things. They are a cult without a doubt. They suck you in, build big worships centers in high income areas and get you to recruit your families and friends.The minute they know you are Catholic they act as if they must save you....it sickens me. As I said the talk track alone is always the same. My return to Catholic came in the form of watching a special called "Inside the Vatican" on the history channel actually. Once I got back in I ended up Opus Dei as well0 -
Yeah, some places can be pretty anti-Catholic. The only antidote is to do what Jesus said: Pray for those who hate you. I find that saying a few decades of the Rosary for people I feel animosity towards to be a great healer. It is through charitable witness that we can change the world---and there is no room for hatred there. Besides, some of those folks end up swimming across the Tiber. As I said, the Holy Spirit blows freely. And there is a lot that we can learn from Jesus-centered Protestants. Those non-denominational churches are a lot less shy than we are about inviting friends and family in. It is something the New Evangelization is asking us to do, more and more, but with full respect for the conscience and religious freedom of others.
It's interesting that a documentary was key to your conversion. Just what was it about Inside the Vatican that impressed you?0
