First Anniversary is coming up soon

dllewis7

Hey all. In one month, on October 11th, it will be one year since my husband of 34+ years departed.

He was my soulmate and my biggest fan. I've been doing really well these past three months. There was a point there when the acute pain of grief eased up, although I will still cry at the oddest things. My days . . . and most importantly, nights ...are better now.

Still, the first aniversary is coming up. Any suggestions from those of you who have lived through this?

Thanks in advance for sharing. Anything will help.

-Debra

quilteryoyo

I just say, do whatever feels right for you. Me....I dreaded that first anniversary so much and was an emotional mess the month before. I think I must have gotten it all out, because the actual day wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. I spent the day alone and planted a White Pine tree on a hill near our house in his honor...his favorite tree. (I did have a little breakdown when the shovel I was using to dig the hole broke. It was his shovel and I just hated that it broke on the anniversary of his death.) I also had my own little memorial service where I read the scripture we used at his funeral (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8), read/prayed the yizkor (a Jewish prayer of remembrance), and just talked to John - telling him how I felt, things that had happened during the year, etc. I have actually continued this ritual each year. It makes me feel good.

It is normal to cry at the "oddest" things. They are obviously a trigger for you. My oddest one was when I walked out in the garage and saw TWO snow shovels.

As part of my church's outreach, when people lose a loved one, I mail them a series of books called "Journeying Through Grief." The last one talks about the first anniversary. Here is some of the advice they give:

- Talk to someone about your loved one on that day. Get together with one or two close friends or family members and talk about your loved one.

- Reach out to others who are also grieving for your loved one. Don't ignore the elephant in the room because you don't want to cause someone else pain. (It really is more painful to think you are the only one who remembers the day than it is to talk with someone about it.)

- Do something special to remember your loved one. Light a candle, look at pictures, release balloons or butterflies, plant a tree, place flowers on the grave, tell stories, write a poem, or say a prayer. It doesn't have to be a big ritual. Simply do what is most meaningful and helpful to you. If it means doing nothing special, that's okay too.

- If you feel like crying, let the tears flow.

- "If you start to feel anxious as the anniversary approaches, one of the best things you can do is to tell others close to you what you need and want on that day."

"The anniversary may be a difficult day, but it doesn't necessarily have to be a bad day. The day can bring back many painful feelings from your loss. But the day can also bring healing as you find ways to remember your loved one, share stories and tears with those close to you, and cherish the special place your loved one will always hold in your heart."

They have a quote I love: "Grief is like a journey one must take on a winding mountainside, often seeing the same scenery many times, a road which eventually leads to somewhere we've never been before." - Gladys M. Hunt

You will still grieve after the first year. That is normal. Grieve at your own pace and in your own way. My Hospice Chaplain had to keep telling me to "trust the process." Just let it happen, don't suppress the feelings, and you will learn how to live your life with meaning again.

I hope this helps. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I'll leave you with a quote from Helen Keller: "What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us."

dllewis7

Those are great ideas. Absolutely.

Yes, I do feel like I'm becoming a wreck again, becoming worse since I got better as the first anniversary creeps up. LOL

Having a plan though is so important. I will make it an honoring day and week not only for myself but, like you suggested, for others who miss him.

-Debra

JulieGo

Debra,
I have been where you are. In fact, my second anniversary is coming up soon.
On my first, I was probably where you are right now. I felt stronger and not as grief-stricken as the first few months. I had a lot of support from various sources.
But, just for myself, I planned for, and took the day off work. As the day approached, I was still okay; and truth be told, I did just fine on that day. I ended up volunteering my time that day to help out at a fundraiser. It took me out of my head for awhile; the people I was with understood my situation, but honestly I did just fine.
I got a couple of sweet emails that day and one or two cards. After I finished with my day I went home and opened up a bottle of wine and had a little toast to my husband and just relaxed in quiet reflection.
i don't know if this helps. And with the second one coming up (October 1st) I may do the same thing.
I hope you have a peaceful transition.
Julie

engrdad

Just past 6 months for me. My wife, best friend and soulmate for 27 years took her own life so.. well it has not been easy. I found an article written by a Buddhist that I read from time to time. Seems to help. It was written for suicide survivors but some of it may apply to any type of tragic loss. I will share it below. Also started a blog after it happened to document my thoughts feeling, progress, etc. Also seemed to help some and let me clearly see any progress I have made on this journey back to some state of normalcy.

A Meditation for Survivors of Suicide (Buddhist)
by Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron

The following is a guided meditation for survivors. Each paragraph is a step in the meditation, an individual point to contemplate. Read a step and then stop and contemplate it. Look at things from that perspective. Let the feeling described fill your heart.
When you’re ready, go on to the next step. ~~~~~~~~~~~

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Imagine your loved one when he or she was healthy and active. Look at your dear one fondly and think, "I’m so glad that we were able to share life together for as long as we did. I’m so glad that you were part of my life." Rejoice that you knew that person.
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In your mind, say to your loved one, "Everything in life changes; things begin and they end and something new happens after that. We and everything around us are in constant flux. I know we can’t be together always, so even though our separation happened sooner than I would have liked or expected, I’m so glad we knew each other." While appreciating that you knew that person, let yourself accept that change occurs.
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You and your dear one loved each other. No matter whether your relationship with your dear one was usually peaceful or often contentious, the underlying feeling is one of love, of wishing each other well.

Bring that feeling into your heart and know that no matter what pain either of you may have felt at various times, no matter how confused your loved one might have been, no matter what he or she may have done due to their confusion and pain, the base of your relationship was love or wishing each other well. Nothing can change that. Feel that love.
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On the basis of that affection, forgive them for anything hurtful they may have said or done during the whole duration of your relationship with them. Forgive yourself for anything hurtful you may have said or done towards them during the time you knew each other. Let go of all conflicted or tumultuous feelings. Let your mind be peaceful.
 
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Say to them, "Although I can’t imagine the suffering that made you take your life, I know that suffering and confusion are not your essence. And I know that grief and feelings of guilt are not my essence. May we and all beings have happiness and its causes. May we and all beings be free from suffering and its causes."
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Look at them again, with love, and bid them farewell, at least for this life. Think, "Wherever you are now, I wish you well. I want you to be happy and to be free from suffering. You have a different experience now, and so do I. So as we both go on, I wish you well. My love is with you."
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Feel the love and compassion in your heart and know that it is not limited to one or even a handful of individuals. Love is not something of limited quantity. So take that love and compassion in your heart and share it with the world. Be kind to whoever is in front of you at any particular moment, for at that moment that person is the embodiment and representative of all beings for you.
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Your mind may have the tendency to get stuck in self-centered patterns of thinking, replaying an event over and over in your mind. Remember that your dear one died once and it was over. But each time you replay the mental video entitled "what if..." or "how could she have?" you experience the trauma again.

You have to learn to catch yourself when you start to replay these mental videos. Push the mental "stop" button and come back to the present moment. Enjoy this moment because it’s the only thing that is right now.
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It’s important to place your grief in context. Every one of us has experienced unbelievable pain. That does not discount our individual suffering, but it places it in the context of the big picture.

That big picture is that pain and grief exist and they have no owner. We don´t have a monopoly on it; no individual has a monopoly on pain. We are all the same in wanting happiness and wishing to be free from suffering. Feel that sameness; know that you share that with all other living beings. Feel compassion for all those who experience misery like you. Send them your love, care, compassion, and understanding.
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Your relationship with the one who completed suicide is not the only relationship in your life. You have a full life and there is goodness in your heart to share with others. Avoid getting stuck in a narrow way of thinking that focuses only on this one person.

Also, when thinking about your dear one, remember that they had a full life too. Their entire life was not misery and the meaning and value of their life is not defined by how they died. Let the fullness of their life and your life fill your heart.