How to maintain friendships with non-moms

FitMama2013

Mamas,

I need some advice. My son is 8 months old and I work full-time, which means he's in daycare. I want to spend all of my time at home with him and my husband because I feel like I hardly see him! We are up all night still and I'm just doing what I can to survive at this point.

My best friend is single and doesn't understand at all. We used to talk on my way home from work most days, but she got a new job and our schedules don't sync anymore. She calls all the time at 7-8 at night, right when I'm putting Camden to bed. Even though I've explained to her many times how I can't talk at night, she keeps saying that I need to make time for her.

I get it - things aren't the way they used to be. I call whenever I'm in the car by myself running errands on the weekend, and that's all I can do. And yes, I've told her this.

How do you deal with friends who don't "get it?" She texted me today and said "why can't we talk when Camden is playing on the floor or when you put him to bed?" BECAUSE I WANT TO PLAY WITH MY SON AND AFTER HE IS IN BED I HAVE DINNER TO MAKE, BOTTLES/PUMP PARTS TO STERILIZE, SOLIDS TO MAKE AND BAGS TO PACK FOR DAYCARE THE NEXT DAY, DIAPERS TO WASH, AND TIME WITH MY HUSBAND!!!! Sorry for the shouting - I am just really struggling here. It's so much easier to maintain friendships with other moms because they are understanding and this friend just doesn't get it.

Any advice?

Jenny_Rose77

You know the shouting part of your post? Have you explained it to her just like that without the shouting?

It's tough. My BFF is also single. She has a crazy busy schedule though, and is out of the country at least once a month, so she may be less demanding of my time...

We usually see each other once or twice a month. We'll make a plan to get mani/pedis, see a movie and have dinner afterward, stuff like that. We also "talk" all the time via email, Facebook, texting.

Maybe you could explain exactly how CRAZY BUSY becoming a new mommy has made you to your bff, and say you want to schedule a standing date to do something with her, so she doesn't feel abandoned?

RBXChas

Maybe you could explain exactly how CRAZY BUSY becoming a new mommy has made you to your bff, and say you want to schedule a standing date to do something with her, so she doesn't feel abandoned?

I agree with this. She may not "get it" until she does it herself, but maybe she needs to understand now that she doesn't understand it. It also will get easier (less all-consuming) for you as time goes on, and hopefully she'll stick around. She probably doesn't understand, too, that the small amount of "me" time that you get every day, you do not want to spend it on the phone with another person. I like the "standing date" idea, though. If that's not good enough for her, then she is rather needy, and it might be time to re-evaluate the friendship, unfortunately.

I know you're not a SAHM, but parts of this are fitting. It's at least amusing, if you've never read it: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/22/AR2007052201554.html

Pepper2185

I know you're not a SAHM, but parts of this are fitting. It's at least amusing, if you've never read it: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/22/AR2007052201554.html

LOL your friend needs to read this!

I would invite her over for a coffee one weekend. She could hang out with you and the baby, you could catch up, and she could see just how time consuming the little one is. This way you still get to be with your baby, and you get to see your friend.

It sounds like you've already explained to her what your new schedule looks like, and she just doesn't understand. Don't let it stress you out, some people just don't get it until they have kids of their own. It's not your fault :flowerforyou:

FitMama2013

Thanks y'all! I think I needed a little vent . A complicating factor I failed to mention is that she lives 4 hours away. I've seen her once in the 8 months since Camden was born! I will read that article now

Jenny_Rose77

Could you still invite her to visit you? I have a friend with twin two year olds who doesn't have a minute to talk to me on the phone because she works and her husband is a pilot, so when she's home she has to watch the boys 24/7. We see each other twice a year when we visit each other's place. I actually visited her when her twins were 5 months old, and I GOT IT. Lol. She had warned me that the visit would put me off wanting children (we had just started trying). It didn't. But I had secretly been hoping for twins. After that visit, I no longer hoped for twins. :-)

ETA: Friend lives about four hours away as well.

symba1130

Glad I ran across this. I too have had a big change in friendships since having kids. 3.5yo and 5wk old. The 2 friends without kids don't seem to "Get It", one lives in another state and the other just 15min away, but schedules are always opposite and catching up seems impossible. I am one of those "I will make time for you no matter what" type of friends, but now its getting harder with 2 little ones around.
I REALLY like the standing date idea. Great suggestion!

FitMama2013

Hey Jenny - that's a really good idea. We've always operated on the "let me know when you want to visit" idea, and generally we take turns every 3-4 months and travel to spend the weekend with the other. She lives in a house with two other girls and two big dogs, so I'm not comfortable taking Camden to visit her. I can't remember when she visited us, but I think it was March or April, so we're definitely due. I haven't mentioned it because she was out of work for a year and really struggled with money, but she's been employed for about a month again so maybe she can make the trip. I always make sure she pays for nothing while here, so that should help! I think a visit would be twofold - get to see each other and spend some good time with each other, and also, for her to see what my life is like now.

We had a talk the other night and I let her know I needed her to be more understanding of my hectic life right now, and I would do better with catching up on the weekend. She still pushed back a bit, saying Kris could take Camden during the week so we could talk. I am just not sure that we're going to be on the same page, but I do value her friendship and want to make sure we don't grow apart during this time. The relationship just has to change, and she may not understand until she has a husband and baby of her own.

Jenny_Rose77

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/22/AR2007052201554.html

^^I just read this. Thanks, Rebecca, for posting it. I have one friend in particular who often asks what I do all day. She seems genuinely perplexed. I totally want to send this to her. But I won't. I'll just cackle here, alone with my free-time between when my son goes to sleep and when I pass out. :-)

servilia

Maybe I'm weird but do people still talk with their friends every day on the phone? Even my single friends don't have the time or inclination to do that.
I guess it depends on how important the friendship is.. I mean if you really want to try to keep the connection and she just won't understand, maybe you can schedule in a 5-10 minute call twice a week or something.

redheadmommy

It is tough. Unfortunately I didn't do very well maintaining my friendships with my single friends. They expected me to visit them in odd hrs and have spontaneous coffee break/ beer night on few minutes notices, which I can't . I only live a half hr drive from most of them, but I still can not do the spontaneous things. I tried a schedule meet up once a week/ every two weeks at the evening when the kid(s) in bed, but my friends were not up for it. They kept canceling it , and expected me to able to reschedule for the next day, which i couldn't .Most of my single friends drifted away because of this. On the positive note one of my friend who is now married and just ad a baby all the sudden understands and ok with scheduled meetups/ playdates. I hope our friendship restores , but right now I am just barely surviving the days.