Black Women Interracial Dating (Warning: Could be Offensive)
JanieJack
Posts: 3,831 Member
Did a blog post today that stirred up some controversy. I posted one of the PM responses, but I think the rest will have to go unpublished. What do you think? You can look at the blog and responses here: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/JanieJack/view/is-the-black-church-keeping-black-women-single-583142
Yet another black man sent me the article “Is the Black Church Keeping Black Women Single?" They usually send it to start some dialogue that ends up with the “you black women are too angry and not subservient enough and by the way I’d date you if you’d loosen up a bit.”
I'm technically not single anymore. I've read that article and feel it was really more propaganda to stir up the dating coach's business.
I don't think it's the black church keeping most of my friends single. My closest friends are all "church girls" and ministers. Like me, they are successful in life and their positive outlook and radiant smiles attract a significant amount of male attention. The reason so many remain single isn't the principles of the church but rather the hesitancy to date outside the race (where the men are more used to mutual serving and don't just show up at church to get a sista) plus the "black woman's micromanagement + attitude" (brought on by a cultural history of poor treatment by their men) combined with low availability of black of professional black men who don't exhibit an entitlement mentality (why put up with your attitude when I can get a white/asian/muslim woman to serve me).
Church girls are always told to stop looking in the church and start looking in bars. Well, part of that is true: you don't want to look in church because the men there are either a) fakin (to get a sista), b) brought their by their mothers, or c) their with their wives (or soon to be ex-wives). But a woman of faith is not going to find a suitable mate in a bar or at a tailgate if she doesn't enjoy drinking or sports. A better piece of advice would be don't exclude men of the world for the church unless church IS your life, and look for men aligned with your hobbies and interests (which kinda means you need to develop some). Women who truly feel called typically don't complain about the lack of men. Black or White or Whatever living a holy calling will automatically reduce the dating pool and most truly called women are ok with that. “Lord, I give up the world to follow You.”
Few of my friends here in the NCR are sad about being single. If a man comes along who can complement their lives, great. If not, their life is great already. People say "lofty ideals won't keep your bed warm at night" but few women (when they are talking to just women) truly care about the bed being warm. When I was in Shreveport it was more of a big deal because women were broke there and had few upwardly mobile opportunities. They put up with a man for his financial provision, his ability to make their lives easier, sex (funny how MOST women I talk to, even the ones who love sex FAKE it because the man doesn’t perform haha), and the status of being in a relationship. Here, in the NCR, those superficial things don't matter as much and women can provide for themselves and hire someone to repair what's broken.
So no: I don’t think it’s the black church keeping black women single. And if any woman feels her church impedes her dating, she should re-evaluate her faith and reasons for serving.
PS: Yes, I know my race talk might be offensive. Sorry if you’re offended, but it IS my blog and nothing here is intended to be derogatory.
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As a white woman who has been in a long-term interracial relationship, I think you are too narrowly focused here. The black man that I was with for years was wonderful to me, far more so than my white ex-husband. What makes a relationship work is not that one culture or another makes a man better to a woman. It's that cultural diversity, in general, has its advantages. Each is able to bring something, culturally, to the relationship that is more complementary than what they might find within their own race. Companies have understood the advantages of a culturally diverse labor force for years. The same is true in relationships.
Personally, I would not say that I would never date within my own race again. I kind of hate that saying "once you go black, you never go back." If I meet a white man that I am compatible with and can enjoy myself with, then I would not exclude him from a relationship. Nor would I if I met a black man or a hispanic man that met the same criteria.
People truly get to hung up on the specifics of race. Can't we just all see each other as we really are, and not just what appears on the surface and the stereotypes that we associate with it?0 -
if you can put up with each other, start fucking and be happy with each other. Its nobodys elses business if his dick is white or if her vagina has tattoos of the Backstreet Boys. As long as the 2 in the relationship are happy with each other, thats all that matter. I have dated many girls outside of my race. In fact about 9/10 of the girls I've dated are outside of my race. I get "looks". Sometimes even comments. I could care less. I am happy with the girl I'm with and that night, just like any other man and woman, I will be disappointing her sexually and making her furious about the toilet seat.
Hope this helps.0 -
Personally, I would not say that I would never date within my own race again.
Did someone say (or infer) this or are you just stating your opinion? I agree with that opinion and I'm trying to make sure I didn't imply that. As you'll see in the blog comments, I am an "equal opportunity employer" and I'll go out with anyone who asks at least once, has nothing to do with race. Funny thing is, looking back on it, since being divorced I've never actually made it to "relationship status" with a brother. I may date all races, but all my actual boyfriends have been white or Hispanic.0 -
I am happy with the girl I'm with and that night, just like any other man and woman, I will be disappointing her sexually and making her furious about the toilet seat.
Hope this helps.
Seriously... you should just marry me!!0 -
Personally, I would not say that I would never date within my own race again.
Did someone say (or infer) this or are you just stating your opinion? I agree with that opinion and I'm trying to make sure I didn't imply that. As you'll see in the blog comments, I am an "equal opportunity employer" and I'll go out with anyone who asks at least once, has nothing to do with race. Funny thing is, looking back on it, since being divorced I've never actually made it to "relationship status" with a brother. I may date all races, but all my actual boyfriends have been white or Hispanic.
No... I wasn't sure if you said it or the guy said it to you, but a statement was made about women dating outside of their race and continuing to do so and not looking back.0 -
Yeah, he said it to me. He said he wouldn't forgive a woman for doing that. I'm like doing what? Dating whoever asks you out?? LOL!! Cultural stereotype (thankfully not always true) is that black men don't really want to date black women- and they don't want others to do so either!0
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Yeah, he said it to me. He said he wouldn't forgive a woman for doing that. I'm like doing what? Dating whoever asks you out?? LOL!! Cultural stereotype (thankfully not always true) is that black men don't really want to date black women- and they don't want others to do so either!
No... but you should have seen the nasty looks I got from black women when I was out with my ex. And we live in the south... not where I would have expected it to come from...0 -
LMAO
Agree!!!0 -
No... but you should have seen the nasty looks I got from black women when I was out with my ex. And we live in the south... not where I would have expected it to come from...
oh see I would *TOTALLY* expect to see more dirty looks in the south. Having lived north, south, east, west AND overseas there is definatly more of a "traitor" feel in the south to dating outside your race0 -
No... but you should have seen the nasty looks I got from black women when I was out with my ex. And we live in the south... not where I would have expected it to come from...
oh see I would *TOTALLY* expect to see more dirty looks in the south. Having lived north, south, east, west AND overseas there is definatly more of a "traitor" feel in the south to dating outside your race
But see... I didn't get that. You would think I would have got that from white people, but I didn't. I got the nasty looks from black women more than anything else.0 -
Of course you did. He was a traitor for dating you. If anyone feels the sting of racism being wrong (and be the LEAST racist people you know) you’d think it would be southern blacks.
Problem is racism still goes on there (at least it does in Montgomery AL where I lived two years ago) and so I found more southern blacks were racist than anywhere else I lived. And, my opinion is I can understand why after seeing what they have to go through.
The dating divide is especially painful because they live in the south where it's anathema for white men to date them. And then a black man, who represents the only "category" of men they "are allowed" to date has shunned them for you.
And you were probably cuter too. That would attract jealousy no matter what your race.0 -
And you were probably cuter too. That would attract jealousy no matter what your race.
That was sweet. It had just never occurred to me before that how very racist black people can be. I had certainly seen it in white people, and admittedly, I had seen it black people as well, but I didn't register as their behavior being due to racism. Then, I dated a black man, and boy, did it become painfully obvious.
Fortunately, his family was pretty accepting of me. His grandmother is white too.0 -
Before I post this I want to say that I mean no offense by this to anyone. This is my experience and clearly there are rules and exceptions to things. I think I've posted this story before but whatever!
In high school I worked as a waitress. There was a black man who worked in our kitchen as a cook who was a few years older. I was 16 he was probably 24/25. He kind of started to flirt with me a little and eventually he asked for my phone number. Being naive I thought he wanted it for work purposes but he actually ended up texting me asking me things like "can I pick you up and take you for a ride?"
Anyway a couple of weeks later I was in the Kitchen with him and another cook who was white. They were talking while I was just cleaning/unpacking supplies. The white cook said something to the effect that black men only date white women because they can't get a black woman and how come everytime a black man dates a white woman the white woman is not attractive?
I was mortified. I could tell the black cook was feeling awkward.
Anyway after that I truthfully would hesitate to date a person outside of my race. Typically I'm not attracted to men of other races but this past experience would make me question a man of a different race motives0 -
What is the original article? This one?
http://www.theurbanpolitico.com/2011/05/is-black-church-keeping-black-women.html
I think the main question is then: why do you think there is this hesitancy to date outside the race, then?
If it comes from religious/faith reasons, then we can still point the finger at the church.
Personally, I am cautious about dating random people of non-European origin, but specifically for cultural/religious reasons in fact (people in central Europe - but not Eastern Europe - aren't very religious, and this suits me well).0 -
The CNN one: http://www.cnn.com/2010/LIVING/08/10/black.church.women.single/index.html?hpt=C2I think the main question is then: why do you think there is this hesitancy to date outside the race, then?
If it comes from religious/faith reasons, then we can still point the finger at the church.
I think it's the general culture of distrust that, despite decades of integration, still has not gone away. Like the guy who replied to my blog said, the general perception is that white men who date black women only want to "see what it's like" not actually marry her and make a life with her. Though all of my long term relationships (except for my ex husband) have been with white or hispanic men, and so I don't have this bias, I do recall one boyfriend who told me something to this effect and then was upset that I dumped him. As he put it, "Why can't we just have a little fun." I had another (white) boyfriend who respectfully ended our relationship because he tried to broach the topic of interracial dating to his parents and was met with vehement objection. He already knew I, having watched my mom be ostracized by her family for marrying a black man, wouldn’t want to continue a relationship under those circumstances.
I think one role that the church could possibly play is that I've heard some women say if they remain faithful that a man equally faithful will wander in just for them. My church has never taught this (especially since statistics don't bear this out), so I can't comment on whether other churches do.
The one area where I *do* think church plays a role is that most african american christian churches recommend abstinence before marriage (or at least the Steve Harvey recommended 90 days). Regardless of your religious viewpoint, no sex before marriage is defiantly going to shrink your dating pool.
That’s not a church thing, though. That’s a culture thing.0 -
Thanks for the link.
Below are a few thoughts...
"That’s not a church thing, though. That’s a culture thing."
This will really depend on how one defines "church", though. If church is defined as "the study of the scriptures" and "living following Christian precepts" (stricly the "moral" side of things), then you are certainly right that it will not be the main reason why women are single.
It seems to me, though, that the church (in the US especially) is also a "social" and "cultural" affair, thus the problem is interwoven.
This can lead the most devoted churchgoers (who happen to be the women) to facing an absence of "cultural mix" (as in "mixing with other cultures").
People who hang around in a "black church" are going to be biased towards other races/cultures/nationalities, as you cannot hang around all day and bond in your prime time with black people only, go to black church, live in a black neighbourhood (the "social" side of tight church communities) and expect people to suddenly accept/feel at ease/understand everyone else.
You can also sprinkle some family pressure on top of this. I have seen this a lot here (in the UK) with Indian-Asian people, who are in tight knit communities, often religious, and with huge family pressure.
This will feed the distrust you mentioned ("I think it's the general culture of distrust that, despite decades of integration, still has not gone away").
That's not even talking about the fact that you need to be able to meet these (foreign) people in the first place, which is extremely difficult if you only hang around in some specific circles.
So the various people who commented on this problem (problem being "too many single black females") suggest that these churchgoers should get out of church to meet other potential partners, but at the same time, churchgoers do not have the right environment to do so (thus requiring twice the effort for the same result as a non devoted, more casual, Christian).
As usual, the solution is "balance", to have a more balanced life.
It is interesting to note also that the church is a bit stuck about this particular issue. Obviously, recommending people to go and meet people outside of church is counterproductive (community breaks apart, people coming less to church, ...) but at the same time, they must acknowledge it is a "real problem" now that it has been discussed and debated publicly - and even perhaps address it, otherwise they will see the risk of having their "core base" (young-ish black women) fleeing or at the very least being less involved if going to the church religiously (pun intended) will leave you with half a chance of ending up single.
Anyway, thanks for the read - I didn't know it was such a problem over there.0 -
I nailed a chick in a church once.
That's all the relating I can do here.
[she was my gf - does that make it less sleazy?]0 -
I nailed a chick in a church once.
That's all the relating I can do here.
[she was my gf - does that make it less sleazy?]
Was she a satanist and still crying "Oh God! Oh God!" ?0 -
Jesus is nailed in every church, and has been for years. You need to try harder to impress us.I nailed a chick in a church once.0 -
Jesus is nailed in every church, and has been for years. You need to try harder to impress us.I nailed a chick in a church once.
[to be read with sarcasm] :noway: That's it, I'm outraged! :laugh:0 -
Jesus is nailed in every church, and has been for years. You need to try harder to impress us.I nailed a chick in a church once.
This was pure win good sir/ma'am0 -
Anyway a couple of weeks later I was in the Kitchen with him and another cook who was white. They were talking while I was just cleaning/unpacking supplies. The white cook said something to the effect that black men only date white women because they can't get a black woman and how come everytime a black man dates a white woman the white woman is not attractive?
I was mortified. I could tell the black cook was feeling awkward.
Anyway after that I truthfully would hesitate to date a person outside of my race. Typically I'm not attracted to men of other races but this past experience would make me question a man of a different race motives
But see, that is a stereotype fulfilled. This one ignorant individual that you encounterd should not define your opinion of an entire race, and therefore, influence your decision to date outside of your race.0 -
Jesus is nailed in every church, and has been for years. You need to try harder to impress us.I nailed a chick in a church once.
Well played.0 -
Jesus is nailed in every church, and has been for years. You need to try harder to impress us.I nailed a chick in a church once.
Bwwaahhhhhaaaa!!!! GENIUS!!0 -
interesting topic.. i tend to agree with the people who say who the hell cares, BUT in practicalities of the situation, there are MANY people who care. i'm a black woman whose almost exclusively dated non black men and mostly euro white dudes. i've been harassed by police, had family members stop talking to, lost white girl "friends" who admitted to others that they were pissed because I had the nerve to pull a more attractive white guy than they could, i've been threatened by black men. so yeah, even though no one else SHOULD care, people do care. anyone who lives in the US and doesn't get that there are some really real race/ethnicity issues still at work are living in something of a bubble. OH, and for the record, i have never lived in the deep south, so all those things i've experienced have happened to me in the so-called liberal north.What is the original article? This one?
http://www.theurbanpolitico.com/2011/05/is-black-church-keeping-black-women.html
I think the main question is then: why do you think there is this hesitancy to date outside the race, then?
If it comes from religious/faith reasons, then we can still point the finger at the church.
Personally, I am cautious about dating random people of non-European origin, but specifically for cultural/religious reasons in fact (people in central Europe - but not Eastern Europe - aren't very religious, and this suits me well).
it's not really a church thing i dont think. there's also stereotypes about non black men that black women here. the main stereotypes are things like
- non BMs only want BW for sex and not long term relationships
- non BM are less manly/have less sexual prowess than BM
there's also the issue that for the most part in the US, it's pretty culturally ingrained that black women aren't going to be the prettiest girls in the room or the most attractive. if someone believes that, then when a non black man expresses interest in her, she's immediately going to think "there's no way he's interested in me for me, he must just want sex"0 -
And you were probably cuter too. That would attract jealousy no matter what your race.
That was sweet. It had just never occurred to me before that how very racist black people can be. I had certainly seen it in white people, and admittedly, I had seen it black people as well, but I didn't register as their behavior being due to racism. Then, I dated a black man, and boy, did it become painfully obvious.
Fortunately, his family was pretty accepting of me. His grandmother is white too.
i wanted to respond to this because as a black women i who has seen this happen i might be able to give a bit more insight.
it's not simply about racism, it's more of a response of a lack of choices for black women who refuse to date non-date men. the truth of the matter is that statistically speaking there ARE less eligible black men for american black women who want to only be with black men. things that will factor in this are :
- mortality rates (homicide is the biggest cause of death of black men under the age of 25)
- black men who make it into their 30's have a higher incarceration rate than any other ethnicity
- gender gap in higher education (33% male vs 45% women). even though there's also a gender gap for white people, it's much higher in blacks
i've heard black female friends be bitter about whenever they see a black man with a non white woman, but i always remind them that they more than likely wouldnt be so bitter if they expanded their dating pool.
so next time you get a nasty look, just pass that girl the phone number of some other single, eligible non black guy you know :laugh:0 -
The white cook said something to the effect that black men only date white women because they can't get a black woman and how come everytime a black man dates a white woman the white woman is not attractive?
I was mortified. I could tell the black cook was feeling awkward.
Anyway after that I truthfully would hesitate to date a person outside of my race. Typically I'm not attracted to men of other races but this past experience would make me question a man of a different race motives
Don't you think your sample size is a bit small? One comment from two cooks in a restaurant, and you've sworn off an entire race of people?
--P0 -
Personally, I am cautious about dating random people of non-European origin, but specifically for cultural/religious reasons in fact (people in central Europe - but not Eastern Europe - aren't very religious, and this suits me well).
Eh? That doesn't make any sense. Which Eastern Europeans, for example, are more religious than Poles?
--P0 -
The white cook said something to the effect that black men only date white women because they can't get a black woman and how come everytime a black man dates a white woman the white woman is not attractive?
I was mortified. I could tell the black cook was feeling awkward.
Anyway after that I truthfully would hesitate to date a person outside of my race. Typically I'm not attracted to men of other races but this past experience would make me question a man of a different race motives
Don't you think your sample size is a bit small? One comment from two cooks in a restaurant, and you've sworn off an entire race of people?
--P
Maybe, but I'm typically not attracted to men of other races anyway. I might find a black guy cute, but I could not picture myself ever dating a man of another race or falling in love with a man of another race.
But if someone of another race liked me, and I actually liked them, I would probably try to find out their motive before jumping in with my feelings. I don't want to be some guys' second best because he couldn't get a girl from his race.0 -
Maybe it was phrased weirdly? This is what I meant:
Eh? That doesn't make any sense. Which Eastern Europeans, for example, are more religious than Poles?Personally, I am cautious about dating random people of non-European origin, but specifically for cultural/religious reasons in fact (people in central Europe - but not Eastern Europe - aren't very religious, and this suits me well).
--P
People in central Europe where I live (and in the North, particularly) aren't very religious, and this suits me well because I know religion isn't going to be an issue in the relationship.But this is not true in Eastern Europe.0
