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So what's the difference? (Single vs Divorced)

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JanieJack
JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
in Social Groups
I was out today with some singles from church. One said people shouldn't call themselves single if they are divorced- they should call themselves divorced because technically they're not single. I did not ask for explanation because I had to tend to my son and the convo had moved on before I had a chance to.

I'm curious: does this distinction matter to you (or someone you know)? If so, why? I thought divorced was common enough these days that it didn't matter.
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  • OperationSuperKAT
    OperationSuperKAT Posts: 886 Member
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    It only matters to people at church.
  • jesusHchris
    jesusHchris Posts: 1,405 Member
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    It doesn't matter to me, but I guess I'd like to know about it eventually. I assume there might be some logistics involved, maybe legal issues pending or something.

    Don't really care though. Actually, it's the type of experience that someone could probably learn a lot from and become a better person if they become aware of the mistakes made on either side and decide to work on it.

    Word.
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
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    It only matters to people at church.

    Not so. Schools, doctor, a bunch of places you go make the distinction between single and divorced on their paperwork. I've often been curious why but never motivated to ask til now.

    Why do people always have to jump to dogging out church. Even if you had a bad experience with church in the past, church had nothing to do with the question.
  • jesusHchris
    jesusHchris Posts: 1,405 Member
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    ...church had nothing to do with the question.

    To be fair, your post was very specifically about church.
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
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    ...church had nothing to do with the question.

    To be fair, your post was very specifically about church.

    Interesting you guys read it that way. Originally, I only mentioned the church group because it was an explanation for why I was out with a bunch of men (if I'm in a relationship). Even after realizing I took the part out about them all being men (because I didn't want people to get all upset thinking this is a JJ hates men question) I still don't read it as a church problem. But at least now I know you guys do. Thanks.
  • MissingMinnesota
    MissingMinnesota Posts: 7,486 Member
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    It only matters to people at church.

    Not so. Schools, doctor, a bunch of places you go make the distinction between single and divorced on their paperwork. I've often been curious why but never motivated to ask til now.

    Why do people always have to jump to dogging out church. Even if you had a bad experience with church in the past, church had nothing to do with the question.

    Usually for schools, doctor, and other places they only want to know if you are divorced because there might be someone else involved in the childs life.
    For my job we want to know if you are divorced because you might have to pay alimony or child support and we have to figure that into your debt.

    The only people that usually care about it between single and divorce the way you are talking about it is usually church people where some demoninations look down on people that are divorced.
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
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    Agreed, judgemental people from church. Not all church-goers are that way, but there's alot who think their *kitten* doesn't stink.

    If they "paraphrase" that book written 3500 years ago....it says something about it being ok to end a marriage because of infidelity....but...... by "god" they are going to judge you because you ended that kind of marriage. You can't win at church. Just sayin.

    No, the "status" divorced is simply to describle your "living" status.
    If you notice when you file taxes, the fn government doesn't give a rip, it's either you have two incomes or one, Married or single (then there's always married filing single...I wont elaborate on that tho :smile: )

    Edit: and just to clarify, there are judgemental people everywhere, not all go to church. :)
  • Tube_socks
    Tube_socks Posts: 808 Member
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    In the dating world, when asked if I was single I'd say yes but would always say the disclaimer "I was married for 10 years..."
    On online dating, I hate stamping my profile with a big DIVORCE status so I would put single then either in messages back and forth or texting, id insert disclaimer.

    I do think it matters. It hasn't happened to me (that I'm aware of) but some guys might want their future wife to have never been married before. (This might be more common in women though) Or if there were children involved, it might not be their preference.

    I would date a divorced man but not a man with kids. Actually, all bfs I've had since my divorce have never been married. My bf now was engaged and lived with the ex but never made it official.

    I think of my ex husband. We divorced a couple of yrs ago. He remarried 2 months after our divorce was finalized. He then divorced her 5 months later. Now he's dating some new super young chick. Wouldnt you want to know his history? He's only 32!!
  • pa_jorg
    pa_jorg Posts: 4,404 Member
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    On online dating, I hate stamping my profile with a big DIVORCE status so I would put single then either in messages back and forth or texting, id insert disclaimer.

    I do think it matters. It hasn't happened to me (that I'm aware of) but some guys might want their future wife to have never been married before. (This might be more common in women though) Or if there were children involved, it might not be their preference.

    This is kind of a contradiction. If a man omitted he was previously married on his profile, a woman would say that he was lying.

    I'm thinking of this because I have a close female friend who won't even consider dating a divorced man or one with kids and that kind of profile wouldn't be fair to her if the situation were reversed. I guess I'm a fan of being more transparent because you never know what someones deal breakers are, even if they seem insignificant to you.
  • farmers_daughter
    farmers_daughter Posts: 1,632 Member
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    I guess I just kind of figured dating sites ask that question so that you can be sorted out of the selection for individuals that don't want to date divorced or seperated etc...

    I don't hide that I've been married, or had relationships that didn't work.... I guess that's why I blab it out front. If it's a big deal for them, I'll hold the door whilst they exit. :bigsmile:
  • JanieJack
    JanieJack Posts: 3,831 Member
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    Thinking about this topic I realize I don't care if a future partner is married or divorced but it matters a great deal to me that people know I was married when I had my son. Yeah, I'm working on that ego and not caring so much but I don't want people to see a single black mom and think "oh, another baby-mama welfare case."
  • BringingSherriBack
    BringingSherriBack Posts: 607 Member
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    I think sometimes people think DIVORCED comes with baggage and drama that isn't as likely with someone that has never been married. I don't think that's necessarily true since a lot of people have been in long term relationships and a lot of people also have children but never marry. In my thoughts everyone has a past whether you married it or not. lol

    In the dating scene, when I say I am divorced I have been posed the question of is the divorce final? Well yeah or I would have said separated. Anyway so in the dating scene I tend to call myself a single parent as opposed to a divorced mother. When I talk to someone more in depth I tell them I am divorced and that is how it generally goes for the guys I am talking with too. Most call themselves single and if they have kids they call themselves single parents then if they have been divorced they will tell me in general conversation.

    I would say most people associate needing to use the divorced status only if children are involved.
  • MissingMinnesota
    MissingMinnesota Posts: 7,486 Member
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    I also think age goes into the stigmata about being divorced also. It is more acceptable (to some people) to be older and divorced instead of young and divorced. This is because you get some in the over 40 crowd that sees someone that hasn't been married by 40 as that something is wrong with them while some see someone divorced at 22 as that persom made bad decisions.
  • raige123
    raige123 Posts: 352
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    I'm not going to say it's a huge deal breaker but ideally I would like to be the first person that my future husband marries. I have never been married and I want the distinction of being the first and last person that he will marry. I'm not going to eliminate a guy if he comes along though thats a perfect match if he was married before. So if someone is going to put single, I would need that disclaimer ahead of time. I probably wouldn't message someone with Divorced as their status.
  • LoggingForLife
    LoggingForLife Posts: 504 Member
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    If asked, I always say I "was married and divorced" vs. I "am divorced". The latter makes it sound like my divorce defines who I am.
  • flimflamfloz
    flimflamfloz Posts: 1,980 Member
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    I suppose it shows more about the state of mind of the person who says either "single" or "divorced", rather than an official difference.
    It probably makes more sense to say "divorced" if you have kids though (to answer to several potential questions at once).
  • UsedToBeHusky
    UsedToBeHusky Posts: 15,229 Member
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    I'm divorced, but consider myself single.

    I don't know... that seems weird. I only put status as "divorced" if divorced is an option. When I file my taxes, I file as single, because you know... I'm single.

    Sorry... I don't think I have any insight to offer.
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
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    While I agree with another poster if there could be implications that a divorce would bring up - ie children, alimony, other benefits plans, etc. I originally read it from a more basic standpoint -- I would care more about 'seperated' than 'divorced' ... this is from a dating perspective mind you. Being divorced should mean it's all over and done with -- seperated means you haven't yet had anything finalized. This I would want to know. Seperated men are on my 'no no' list when I was dating.
  • Prahasaurus
    Prahasaurus Posts: 1,381 Member
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    If asked, I always say I "was married and divorced" vs. I "am divorced". The latter makes it sound like my divorce defines who I am.

    But you have to be married before you can be divorced. Ergo, saying you were "married and divorced" is superfluous.

    --P
  • raige123
    raige123 Posts: 352
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    Seperated men are on my 'no no' list when I was dating.

    Haha mine too.

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