So what's the difference? (Single vs Divorced)
JanieJack
Posts: 3,831 Member
I was out today with some singles from church. One said people shouldn't call themselves single if they are divorced- they should call themselves divorced because technically they're not single. I did not ask for explanation because I had to tend to my son and the convo had moved on before I had a chance to.
I'm curious: does this distinction matter to you (or someone you know)? If so, why? I thought divorced was common enough these days that it didn't matter.
I'm curious: does this distinction matter to you (or someone you know)? If so, why? I thought divorced was common enough these days that it didn't matter.
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It only matters to people at church.0
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It doesn't matter to me, but I guess I'd like to know about it eventually. I assume there might be some logistics involved, maybe legal issues pending or something.
Don't really care though. Actually, it's the type of experience that someone could probably learn a lot from and become a better person if they become aware of the mistakes made on either side and decide to work on it.
Word.0 -
It only matters to people at church.
Not so. Schools, doctor, a bunch of places you go make the distinction between single and divorced on their paperwork. I've often been curious why but never motivated to ask til now.
Why do people always have to jump to dogging out church. Even if you had a bad experience with church in the past, church had nothing to do with the question.0 -
...church had nothing to do with the question.
To be fair, your post was very specifically about church.0 -
...church had nothing to do with the question.
To be fair, your post was very specifically about church.
Interesting you guys read it that way. Originally, I only mentioned the church group because it was an explanation for why I was out with a bunch of men (if I'm in a relationship). Even after realizing I took the part out about them all being men (because I didn't want people to get all upset thinking this is a JJ hates men question) I still don't read it as a church problem. But at least now I know you guys do. Thanks.0 -
It only matters to people at church.
Not so. Schools, doctor, a bunch of places you go make the distinction between single and divorced on their paperwork. I've often been curious why but never motivated to ask til now.
Why do people always have to jump to dogging out church. Even if you had a bad experience with church in the past, church had nothing to do with the question.
Usually for schools, doctor, and other places they only want to know if you are divorced because there might be someone else involved in the childs life.
For my job we want to know if you are divorced because you might have to pay alimony or child support and we have to figure that into your debt.
The only people that usually care about it between single and divorce the way you are talking about it is usually church people where some demoninations look down on people that are divorced.0 -
Agreed, judgemental people from church. Not all church-goers are that way, but there's alot who think their *kitten* doesn't stink.
If they "paraphrase" that book written 3500 years ago....it says something about it being ok to end a marriage because of infidelity....but...... by "god" they are going to judge you because you ended that kind of marriage. You can't win at church. Just sayin.
No, the "status" divorced is simply to describle your "living" status.
If you notice when you file taxes, the fn government doesn't give a rip, it's either you have two incomes or one, Married or single (then there's always married filing single...I wont elaborate on that tho
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Edit: and just to clarify, there are judgemental people everywhere, not all go to church. 0 -
In the dating world, when asked if I was single I'd say yes but would always say the disclaimer "I was married for 10 years..."
On online dating, I hate stamping my profile with a big DIVORCE status so I would put single then either in messages back and forth or texting, id insert disclaimer.
I do think it matters. It hasn't happened to me (that I'm aware of) but some guys might want their future wife to have never been married before. (This might be more common in women though) Or if there were children involved, it might not be their preference.
I would date a divorced man but not a man with kids. Actually, all bfs I've had since my divorce have never been married. My bf now was engaged and lived with the ex but never made it official.
I think of my ex husband. We divorced a couple of yrs ago. He remarried 2 months after our divorce was finalized. He then divorced her 5 months later. Now he's dating some new super young chick. Wouldnt you want to know his history? He's only 32!!0 -
On online dating, I hate stamping my profile with a big DIVORCE status so I would put single then either in messages back and forth or texting, id insert disclaimer.
I do think it matters. It hasn't happened to me (that I'm aware of) but some guys might want their future wife to have never been married before. (This might be more common in women though) Or if there were children involved, it might not be their preference.
This is kind of a contradiction. If a man omitted he was previously married on his profile, a woman would say that he was lying.
I'm thinking of this because I have a close female friend who won't even consider dating a divorced man or one with kids and that kind of profile wouldn't be fair to her if the situation were reversed. I guess I'm a fan of being more transparent because you never know what someones deal breakers are, even if they seem insignificant to you.0 -
I guess I just kind of figured dating sites ask that question so that you can be sorted out of the selection for individuals that don't want to date divorced or seperated etc...
I don't hide that I've been married, or had relationships that didn't work.... I guess that's why I blab it out front. If it's a big deal for them, I'll hold the door whilst they exit. :bigsmile:0 -
Thinking about this topic I realize I don't care if a future partner is married or divorced but it matters a great deal to me that people know I was married when I had my son. Yeah, I'm working on that ego and not caring so much but I don't want people to see a single black mom and think "oh, another baby-mama welfare case."0
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I think sometimes people think DIVORCED comes with baggage and drama that isn't as likely with someone that has never been married. I don't think that's necessarily true since a lot of people have been in long term relationships and a lot of people also have children but never marry. In my thoughts everyone has a past whether you married it or not. lol
In the dating scene, when I say I am divorced I have been posed the question of is the divorce final? Well yeah or I would have said separated. Anyway so in the dating scene I tend to call myself a single parent as opposed to a divorced mother. When I talk to someone more in depth I tell them I am divorced and that is how it generally goes for the guys I am talking with too. Most call themselves single and if they have kids they call themselves single parents then if they have been divorced they will tell me in general conversation.
I would say most people associate needing to use the divorced status only if children are involved.0 -
I also think age goes into the stigmata about being divorced also. It is more acceptable (to some people) to be older and divorced instead of young and divorced. This is because you get some in the over 40 crowd that sees someone that hasn't been married by 40 as that something is wrong with them while some see someone divorced at 22 as that persom made bad decisions.0
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I'm not going to say it's a huge deal breaker but ideally I would like to be the first person that my future husband marries. I have never been married and I want the distinction of being the first and last person that he will marry. I'm not going to eliminate a guy if he comes along though thats a perfect match if he was married before. So if someone is going to put single, I would need that disclaimer ahead of time. I probably wouldn't message someone with Divorced as their status.0
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If asked, I always say I "was married and divorced" vs. I "am divorced". The latter makes it sound like my divorce defines who I am.0
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I suppose it shows more about the state of mind of the person who says either "single" or "divorced", rather than an official difference.
It probably makes more sense to say "divorced" if you have kids though (to answer to several potential questions at once).0 -
I'm divorced, but consider myself single.
I don't know... that seems weird. I only put status as "divorced" if divorced is an option. When I file my taxes, I file as single, because you know... I'm single.
Sorry... I don't think I have any insight to offer.0 -
While I agree with another poster if there could be implications that a divorce would bring up - ie children, alimony, other benefits plans, etc. I originally read it from a more basic standpoint -- I would care more about 'seperated' than 'divorced' ... this is from a dating perspective mind you. Being divorced should mean it's all over and done with -- seperated means you haven't yet had anything finalized. This I would want to know. Seperated men are on my 'no no' list when I was dating.0
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If asked, I always say I "was married and divorced" vs. I "am divorced". The latter makes it sound like my divorce defines who I am.
But you have to be married before you can be divorced. Ergo, saying you were "married and divorced" is superfluous.
--P0 -
Seperated men are on my 'no no' list when I was dating.
Haha mine too.0 -
Seperated men are on my 'no no' list when I was dating.
Haha mine too.
^^^THIS!0 -
Seperated men are on my 'no no' list when I was dating.
Haha mine too.
^^^THIS!
Really ? I've never had a problem with it... Of course my husband and I have been seperated almost 8 yrs and just never got around to getting divorced (its expensive down here!) I've also never had trouble getting dates because of it. Like I said though we've been seperated 8yr and he and his live in GF do have a pretty little girl about almost 2 now. Every once in a while we casually mention getting divorced but its never been a priority. Of course we also own no property or anything like that. The good part is when we finally do get divorced we've had our custody arangement in place so long that no judge would mess with it0 -
Seperated men are on my 'no no' list when I was dating.
Haha mine too.
^^^THIS!
Really ? I've never had a problem with it... Of course my husband and I have been seperated almost 8 yrs and just never got around to getting divorced (its expensive down here!) I've also never had trouble getting dates because of it. Like I said though we've been seperated 8yr and he and his live in GF do have a pretty little girl about almost 2 now. Every once in a while we casually mention getting divorced but its never been a priority. Of course we also own no property or anything like that. The good part is when we finally do get divorced we've had our custody arangement in place so long that no judge would mess with it
My ex-husband and I were separated for five years before we finally got divorced. We were both living with other people. I filed for divorce because I wanted to buy a house, and the child support order needed modification.0 -
Seperated men are on my 'no no' list when I was dating.
Haha mine too.
^^^THIS!
Me too.0 -
I don't agree with that at all, technically they would be single AND divorced, not either/or. Single means not married or without a partner. Divorced people can be single, just like they can be married (remarried).I was out today with some singles from church. One said people shouldn't call themselves single if they are divorced- they should call themselves divorced because technically they're not single. I did not ask for explanation because I had to tend to my son and the convo had moved on before I had a chance to.
I'm curious: does this distinction matter to you (or someone you know)? If so, why? I thought divorced was common enough these days that it didn't matter.0 -
Divorced is just a way of giving anyone in your dating sphere a heads up. That there is recent or potentially on-going issues with a former spouse. A divorced person may not have as much time or as much energy to commit to a relationship. Whether or not someone wants to put it up front, is a matter of choice. Sure, one could use single just as well. Ultimately, the divorced angle will come up.
Of course, then there's someone like me who after being with the mother of kids for 11 years, never got married.
So, I might have as well been divorced but I can get away with saying I wasn't married. In my head, I was. Emotionally, I processed the same way as a divorced person would. I just was thankful for none of the legal stuff of divorce.
I'm definitely single single now.0 -
I don't agree with that at all, technically they would be single AND divorced, not either/or. Single means not married or without a partner. Divorced people can be single, just like they can be married (remarried).I was out today with some singles from church. One said people shouldn't call themselves single if they are divorced- they should call themselves divorced because technically they're not single. I did not ask for explanation because I had to tend to my son and the convo had moved on before I had a chance to.
I'm curious: does this distinction matter to you (or someone you know)? If so, why? I thought divorced was common enough these days that it didn't matter.
Not necessarily. The Census and the Current Population Survey conducted by the Census Bureau track marital status as married, single, divorced, widowed/widower. Within married, there are statuses about whether you and the spouse live together as well.0 -
Seperated men are on my 'no no' list when I was dating.
Haha mine too.
^^^THIS!
Really ? I've never had a problem with it... Of course my husband and I have been seperated almost 8 yrs and just never got around to getting divorced (its expensive down here!) I've also never had trouble getting dates because of it. Like I said though we've been seperated 8yr and he and his live in GF do have a pretty little girl about almost 2 now. Every once in a while we casually mention getting divorced but its never been a priority. Of course we also own no property or anything like that. The good part is when we finally do get divorced we've had our custody arangement in place so long that no judge would mess with it
My ex-husband and I were separated for five years before we finally got divorced. We were both living with other people. I filed for divorce because I wanted to buy a house, and the child support order needed modification.
I have seen too many people that are seperate that have had too many issues that I won't date a guy that is seperated either.0 -
Thinking more about it... I have to retract my earlier statement where I said I don't care if a romantic interest is divorcd or never married. If he's never lived with a woman, I'm less interested. Won't strike him off the list, but my experience with guys who have never married or never lived with a woman is that they have very unrealistic expectations of what "life" is like. The few I've dated have no clue what real women look like without the pushps and makeup and little appreication for how much it takes to optimially manage a housefhold. I'm too old to train a guy, and in my age bracket he's probalby too old to want to be trained..
I hear this same complaint from men about never-married/never lived-in women, though not as often as I hear it form women about never-married/never lived-in men.0 -
The only distinction I have between me being single and divorced is this; when I was single I had money, now that I am divorced I don’t.0
