Somatic Memories, "Real" Memories, Exercise and Remembering
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9thChakra
Posts: 141 Member
Hi.
(Warning...could be a bit triggering...but no real details)
Would really appreciate any feedback. Thank you!
So, I've been trying to give myself more credit. The past 2 1/2 years has been difficult. I finally was able to start working through my abuse. Thing is...I don't remember it.
The main reason I finally started talking about it with my therapist was that I was waaaay over-reacting to some disagreements I had with some people (unrelated to abuse). The way I was over-reacting was very physical. I couldn't stop crying or I'd get overly sad or frustrated and I had to lay on my bed and stretch my arms over my head as if I was being held down. It actually even felt like I was being held down some times. I even had my partner press down on my arms because it helped me release the pain that felt held there.
It's been hard admitting I was abused due to my lack of memories. However, I have a great deal of evidence, including my brother contacting me and telling me he was in therapy for the same reason (same person) and he also didn't remember and wanted to know if I had "chosen to remember yet."
I have been through depression and taken a great deal of time off work because I just couldn't do it AND work on myself and the same time.
I'm in a much better place now. I have more support. I have some allies that know what I'm going through. And, while I don't feel like "myself" still, I am finally starting to want to participate in my own life again...get out, see people, work part time, not feel like I constantly have to focus on healing.
One of the major blocks I have is when it comes to exercising. I would really like to start again. And I have, to give myself credit. Even though I'm tired I do manage to get a walk in or lift a few weights. But, in my mind, I really want to run and punch and move and work hard. On the days when I actually can push myself a bit more...I find that I get very emotional and start crying. While pride myself on not caring what other people think...I still find myself frustrated by this. I know it's good...I can feel that it's good for me. But I don't like experiencing it. I'm torn.
To be very honest, I feel that pushing myself with the exercise allows me to access and release parts of the abuse, even if I don't "remember" it yet. But I am also very afraid of remembering and I'm nervous that I'll just remember. The strenuous exercise makes me feel closer to remembering. I hate holding myself back from moving my body because I really feel like I want to move again. I'm so sick of being so sedentary when I used to be so much more active. I've backpacked 24 miles in one day with 50 pounds on my back and now it's hard to walk a mile. I've gotten platinum medals in NASTAR and now I've skiied maybe 5 times in the past 2 years. I've biked 50 miles in the rain and now I ride my exercise bike for like 5 minutes and I'm sobbing. I tried out for the WNFL and now I am down to lifting 6 pound weights and it makes me sore. F*@K!
*crying*
Thanks for reading and responding if you can.
9thChakra
(Warning...could be a bit triggering...but no real details)
Would really appreciate any feedback. Thank you!
So, I've been trying to give myself more credit. The past 2 1/2 years has been difficult. I finally was able to start working through my abuse. Thing is...I don't remember it.
The main reason I finally started talking about it with my therapist was that I was waaaay over-reacting to some disagreements I had with some people (unrelated to abuse). The way I was over-reacting was very physical. I couldn't stop crying or I'd get overly sad or frustrated and I had to lay on my bed and stretch my arms over my head as if I was being held down. It actually even felt like I was being held down some times. I even had my partner press down on my arms because it helped me release the pain that felt held there.
It's been hard admitting I was abused due to my lack of memories. However, I have a great deal of evidence, including my brother contacting me and telling me he was in therapy for the same reason (same person) and he also didn't remember and wanted to know if I had "chosen to remember yet."
I have been through depression and taken a great deal of time off work because I just couldn't do it AND work on myself and the same time.
I'm in a much better place now. I have more support. I have some allies that know what I'm going through. And, while I don't feel like "myself" still, I am finally starting to want to participate in my own life again...get out, see people, work part time, not feel like I constantly have to focus on healing.
One of the major blocks I have is when it comes to exercising. I would really like to start again. And I have, to give myself credit. Even though I'm tired I do manage to get a walk in or lift a few weights. But, in my mind, I really want to run and punch and move and work hard. On the days when I actually can push myself a bit more...I find that I get very emotional and start crying. While pride myself on not caring what other people think...I still find myself frustrated by this. I know it's good...I can feel that it's good for me. But I don't like experiencing it. I'm torn.
To be very honest, I feel that pushing myself with the exercise allows me to access and release parts of the abuse, even if I don't "remember" it yet. But I am also very afraid of remembering and I'm nervous that I'll just remember. The strenuous exercise makes me feel closer to remembering. I hate holding myself back from moving my body because I really feel like I want to move again. I'm so sick of being so sedentary when I used to be so much more active. I've backpacked 24 miles in one day with 50 pounds on my back and now it's hard to walk a mile. I've gotten platinum medals in NASTAR and now I've skiied maybe 5 times in the past 2 years. I've biked 50 miles in the rain and now I ride my exercise bike for like 5 minutes and I'm sobbing. I tried out for the WNFL and now I am down to lifting 6 pound weights and it makes me sore. F*@K!
*crying*
Thanks for reading and responding if you can.
9thChakra
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Replies
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**listening** I'm sorry I didn't see your post sooner.
The "body memories" are always the worst for me - I always felt like I was losing my mind, And sometimes the body memories came before a real memory would surface. It took me a long time to admit that I had been abused too, despite lots of symptoms.
Exercising or working out wasn't a trigger for me, but I can totally understand how it could be.
I'm glad you have some support and allies, and that you're seeing a therapist. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold, in my opinion.
Yes - DEFINITELY give yourself credit! You went through the toughest part of it - you survived it. But starting to talk about it and work through it is also really hard work, but it's worth it. There were times when I wouldn't have been able to see that it was worth it, but trust me - it does get better.
You got this. You can DO this.
edited to add - feel free to PM me any time.0 -
Thank you. I appreciate the response. No worries on how long it takes to get back to me. :flowerforyou:
If anyone else reads this and wants to add things here, I'd appreciate it. I'm also open to PMs on this topic.
Thank you all again. I know even writing to someone else to send support can be a difficult and tiring thing to do. I'm totally open to simply having good vibes, thoughts or prayers of support sent if that is more your thing.
Thank you.
9thChakra0 -
First, *big hugs*
Keep giving yourself credit! Everything you do is a step forward, even when it doesn't feel like it. What you're experiencing is so normal and I totally understand the fear of remembering.
I'll speak briefly about my experience of healing: I don't remember many of the details of my abuse. What I remember came in spurts. Always felt like at the worst time, too (really, while watching some mundane stuff on TV in the company of friends?!).
Crying and feeling all the intense emotions was debilitating at times, but I came to understand that for my healing, I had to feel them. It was part of my way of processing it all. Feeling and re-living the memories was part of my journey. In the end, it was better than the self-destructive things I did to cope.
It took time, but the body memories, real memories, stopped having such an intense emotional effect on me. My therapist said my brain was re-processing them to store them in a way that they were no longer traumatic.
It took me forever to get regular exercise, but I slowly did. Now, I'm on the "other side", healed from the abuse and with the most active life I've ever had. Life is good and it took a hell of a lot of work to get here!
I know you'll get through this. You're clearly a strong person. It does get better.:flowerforyou:0 -
Thank you so much!
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