I need a little guidance, please

hernamewasdana

Ok, I'll do my best to keep this short but informative. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO IDENTIFY! This is problem for coming out to my family and for dating in general.

I'm 29 and have only dated men. I have known I have an attraction to women since puberty I guess. Back then I felt "bi" but HATED how girls my age would throw that around for attention (think Friendster/Myspace years). I was not an attention-seeking teen so I was very closeted. In college, I had a few drunken threesomes (with straight girls and their boyfriends). I was starting to come out (no grand event, just mentioning it casually) to a few friends. After graduation from college, I have felt more and more attracted to women, but have still continued to date men as I haven't had to opportunity to date women. Now 90% of my friends know I'm interested in women, but my family does not.

I struggle constantly with feeling torn between a bi/pan identity and a lesbian identity. I feel like I personally can't say I exclusively want to be with women as I have never dated a woman. My relationships with men have been passionate at times, but then I get very bored and resent them (I could very well just have issues and that has nothing to do with sexuality/identity). I recently broke up with a boyfriend of a year, partly because the entire time together I was thinking "but what if I'm not even supposed to be dating men?"

I don't have any female friends in the LGBT community here so I will pretty much have to online date. I'm ok with that but I have no idea how to identify myself. Usually you have to pick gay/straight/bi; I'm not sure what I am. "Queer" is an easy catch-all but that doesn't help me with my own struggle to find an orientation. I also feel like I will be judged for not being fully out, but particularly with my conservative southern family (not my parents, they won't give a single f**k), I would like to have a clear idea of who I am before I try to help them understand.

Do I need to come out to my family first, even being as confused as I am? Is it fair to try to date if I'm still semi-closeted? How would I even go about doing that?

If you have any questions/advice/anything that could help me figure out my identity, or where to go from here, I'd be forever grateful! (I know MFP is an odd place for this kind of post, but after looking at some recent threads, you all seem like a positive group of people who may be willing to take some time to help a girl out!)

ThePinkPanda

you are describing me even a few years ago. i don't think you need to identify as anything as of yet. or even tell your family. i would say, however, be completely clear to future prospects that you are closeted. this can cause tension if you're not. trust me from experience.

That being said, i would say experiment with dating (i did the online thing too and it worked out wonderfully for me). the way you categorize yourself there should reflect what you're looking for. you sound pretty sure you want to try dating a girl, so i would label myself as gay, were i in your shoes.. i will admit i filtered Bi women from my results for the simple reason that most of them turned out to be straight girls looking for threesomes. I'm totally ok with bi women, that was just my online experience. maybe note you'd like to keep things casual for the time being or include a quick blurb that you are experimenting. i guess the key here is being up front about what you're looking for.

i understand the wondering if you're actually gay or bi or what. i was terrified i'd hate having sex with women even though i knew i was physically attracted to them (you've at least got a leg up there based on the threesome experience lol). i ended up being 99% gay, but you may not. you shouldn't limit yourself if you aren't sure what you prefer.

that's just my two cents. sexuality is fluid and life's too short to pigeonhole yourself into something you're not or aren't sure you are.

hernamewasdana

I can't tell you how good it feels to just have somebody say "I've been there, this isn't unusual." Not like I think I'm some special queer snowflake I just haven't had anyone to relate to directly.

I also appreciate the acknowledgement that "rounding up" to gay (particularly while online dating) isn't perceived as some sort of fraud or "bait and switch". I'm so eager to just learn more about myself so I can finally be out, whatever form that takes!

Thank you for taking the time to reply and sharing your experience!

MartialPanda

I'm going to agree with pinkpanda on this one. I realized I liked chickas pretty early. Around 12/13 but I do anything until I was in College ultimately. I like to say i'm bi because of the pure concept that I personally believe no one is 100% gay or straight. Sexuality is fluid is the phrase of the day. You're allowed to like/sleep with whomever you would like to. I would also say that you should think about perhaps experimenting a little bit. Idk where you live but you could always hit up a gay/lesbian bar. That would IF NOTHING else help be like.........yo........woman are awesome. Hot ladies dancing and drinking together is always a good time.

Until you find out everyone has randomly slept with everyone. Jk. But seriously just try to go out/try online dating/become friends with people on here and let your inner LGBTQ+ OUT. Read autostraddle or after ellen. Watch all the gay movies. Watch the L word and realize how AWFUL is. Spread your rainbow wings out. It'll be ok. You're lucky your immediate family is cool with you.

hernamewasdana

Yes! I'm loving all the positive vibes from the panda people!

Thank you for your supportive comments, as well. And yes, I have no doubts that my parents and sister are going to be fine when the time comes to tell them. I was raised in a very liberal small town, my parents voted against the amendment last year here in NC, and we've had a lot of talks over the dinner table about how people should be allowed to live the lives they want. It still makes me a little anxious because we don't talk about super personal feelings or dating so much (and we'll have to figure out what to do with the rest of my family eventually!), but I expect nothing but support. I know that makes me a very lucky person!