Am I just too....
kristen49233
Posts: 385 Member
Set in my ways??
Picky?
I'm 47 and I've never been married. I've been engaged 2 times and called off both for truly legitimate reasons. I have a 24 year old daughter that comes home sometimes on the weekends, but for the most part it's just me at home alone.
I started dating someone about a month and a half ago. I can't for the life of me figure out why I don't want to continue a relationship with him. If I was to write down his qualities on paper, he would almost be perfect! Affectionate and caring true gentleman with a great job, nice house, etc.
Those qualities won me over initially, but now he's starting to make my skin crawl and I'm not sure why? I do know that I'm not completely physically attracted to him, but I was hoping the qualities that I do like about him would over-ride the physical attractiveness that I'm lacking for him. Am I being too shallow?
He also wants to spend a lot of his free time with me--whether in person, on the phone (quite the talker) or texting. I'm used to my free time. When I get home from work, I want to work out, eat dinner, and then relax on the couch to calm down after a busy day. I like my routine. I like my space.
He's always been extremely nice to me, but this past week or so I've noticed that when he tells me about conversations he's had with other people...I'm thinking "Did you really say that?" Just doesn't seem as friendly or easy going...maybe even a little bit mean or negative? So in the back of my mind I'm thinking--it will only be time before he turns that on me too? Am I just looking for things that are wrong with him?
He told me he loved me after a week of dating! I have never responded back with the same--I just don't have those feelings for him. Maybe I'm just not meant to be in a relationship? But then I think if I did meet the right person that my feelings would change? I was hoping this relationship would work. My past few relationships have been with guys that seem to have financial or emotional issues, and it was nice to finally meet someone who seemed to have it all together.
Sorry...was just throwing some thoughts out there. If you have any thoughts or suggestions, please feel free to respond! I am just shaking my head at myself because in the back of my mind I'm thinking that I'm being silly and that I should try to work it out with him.
Thanks!!
Picky?
I'm 47 and I've never been married. I've been engaged 2 times and called off both for truly legitimate reasons. I have a 24 year old daughter that comes home sometimes on the weekends, but for the most part it's just me at home alone.
I started dating someone about a month and a half ago. I can't for the life of me figure out why I don't want to continue a relationship with him. If I was to write down his qualities on paper, he would almost be perfect! Affectionate and caring true gentleman with a great job, nice house, etc.
Those qualities won me over initially, but now he's starting to make my skin crawl and I'm not sure why? I do know that I'm not completely physically attracted to him, but I was hoping the qualities that I do like about him would over-ride the physical attractiveness that I'm lacking for him. Am I being too shallow?
He also wants to spend a lot of his free time with me--whether in person, on the phone (quite the talker) or texting. I'm used to my free time. When I get home from work, I want to work out, eat dinner, and then relax on the couch to calm down after a busy day. I like my routine. I like my space.
He's always been extremely nice to me, but this past week or so I've noticed that when he tells me about conversations he's had with other people...I'm thinking "Did you really say that?" Just doesn't seem as friendly or easy going...maybe even a little bit mean or negative? So in the back of my mind I'm thinking--it will only be time before he turns that on me too? Am I just looking for things that are wrong with him?
He told me he loved me after a week of dating! I have never responded back with the same--I just don't have those feelings for him. Maybe I'm just not meant to be in a relationship? But then I think if I did meet the right person that my feelings would change? I was hoping this relationship would work. My past few relationships have been with guys that seem to have financial or emotional issues, and it was nice to finally meet someone who seemed to have it all together.
Sorry...was just throwing some thoughts out there. If you have any thoughts or suggestions, please feel free to respond! I am just shaking my head at myself because in the back of my mind I'm thinking that I'm being silly and that I should try to work it out with him.
Thanks!!
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Replies
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you sound just like me, so I would love to hear people's opinions as well.0
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If I felt like that about someone, I would end it! I dont really see the point in being with someone for the sake of not being alone. You sound like you're quite happy alone anyhow, so move on and try and find someone who lights your fire!!
This guy makes your skin crawl?? :noway:
Seriously honey, why are you even thinking about 'trying to make it work'? Someone who makes your skin crawl is NOT going to all of a sudden become the love of your life whether he's right on paper or not!! You have a God given right to be picky!! It's YOUR life and you owe yourself the best romance on earth.........
Move on and find it...........:flowerforyou:0 -
As much as we like to think physical attractiveness shouldn't or doesn't matter, it does. It sounds like you are lacking that. I don't think there's anything wrong with you for that. You gotta want to bang your partner every now and then.
Granted, I have dated nice men that were a bit dull but were attractive to me. It didn't last.
I'm currently dating someone whom I wasn't initially physically attracted to in a crazy way but I loved his personality (driven, alpha, sense of humor). He turns me on very much!!
I think it has a bit to do with a bit of everything- personality, looks, values, etc. if one lacks, maybe another part will make up for it but if it lacks TOO much... We probably just friend zone them without thinking.
Anyway, maybe you have been too something. But it could be a number of things.0 -
If I felt like that about someone, I would end it! I dont really see the point in being with someone for the sake of not being alone. You sound like you're quite happy alone anyhow, so move on and try and find someone who lights your fire!!
This guy makes your skin crawl?? :noway:
Seriously honey, why are you even thinking about 'trying to make it work'? Someone who makes your skin crawl is NOT going to all of a sudden become the love of your life whether he's right on paper or not!! You have a God given right to be picky!! It's YOUR life and you owe yourself the best romance on earth.........
Move on and find it...........:flowerforyou:
Thank you!
I should say that sometimes he makes my skin crawl and other times not...which is sometimes why it's even more confusing to me. But yes, I don't mind being alone! And so true...we all deserve someone who lights our fire! Thanks for that perspective...0 -
I'm currently dating someone whom I wasn't initially physically attracted to in a crazy way but I loved his personality (driven, alpha, sense of humor). He turns me on very much!!
I think it has a bit to do with a bit of everything- personality, looks, values, etc. if one lacks, maybe another part will make up for it but if it lacks TOO much... We probably just friend zone them without thinking.
Anyway, maybe you have been too something. But it could be a number of things.
This was what I was hoping for....but it just didn't evolve. But then again, now that I think of it, I wasn't really "in love" with his personality either. Geez...now that I'm putting this all down in writing I'm wondering why I've waited this long not to end it.
Thanks for your perspective also...and I hope things continue to go well with the current someone!
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Either he knows exactly what he wants and thinks you're it. Or he's a Klingon0
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He's not "the one" girl. Move on and go back to what you're used to.
I'm exactly the same btw....i'm super picky and quickly bored. :ohwell:
,,,,teamsingle all the way :drinker:0 -
I'm currently dating someone whom I wasn't initially physically attracted to in a crazy way but I loved his personality (driven, alpha, sense of humor). He turns me on very much!!
I think it has a bit to do with a bit of everything- personality, looks, values, etc. if one lacks, maybe another part will make up for it but if it lacks TOO much... We probably just friend zone them without thinking.
Anyway, maybe you have been too something. But it could be a number of things.
This was what I was hoping for....but it just didn't evolve. But then again, now that I think of it, I wasn't really "in love" with his personality either. Geez...now that I'm putting this all down in writing I'm wondering why I've waited this long not to end it.
Thanks for your perspective also...and I hope things continue to go well with the current someone!
I totally understand what you are going thru. I've been there myself, kind of, because I never thought he made my skin crawl lol!!
But I wasn't entirely sure I was attracted to him but I loved everything else about him. I took it super slow (which he tells me was almost giving off the wrong vibes). We had our first date end of April and I wasn't really 'hook line and sinker' until July. Unreal hey? Don't get me wrong, before July things had turned the corner, I was happy to pursue it 'all in' but July was really a huge turning point for me. I would say it took until early June to really know forsure. Usually I move so quick, and go on lust I miss all the red flags, this time -- on some level -- I feel I did it right. It's been a great 8 months!
But if you are sitting there questioning more than just that 'fire' then I think you have your answer. I only ever questioned attraction and it pissed me off greatly!0 -
Either he knows exactly what he wants and thinks you're it. Or he's a Klingon
Clingy came to my mind too...which battles with my somewhat independent personality!He's not "the one" girl. Move on and go back to what you're used to.
I'm exactly the same btw....i'm super picky and quickly bored. :ohwell:
,,,,teamsingle all the way :drinker:
HA! teamsingle...where do I sign up??0 -
I find it so interesting that when we're not into someone (for legit reasons here - no attraction, he's mean, makes your skin crawl...) we blame ourselves. I think most of us here have done it at one point or another. Nothing to feel bad about, you are not a match, end of story. Friendzone him if you think you could handle that, but otherwise, you probably know its time to end it so you can both move on.
Good luck though!0 -
I'm currently dating someone whom I wasn't initially physically attracted to in a crazy way but I loved his personality (driven, alpha, sense of humor). He turns me on very much!!
I think it has a bit to do with a bit of everything- personality, looks, values, etc. if one lacks, maybe another part will make up for it but if it lacks TOO much... We probably just friend zone them without thinking.
Anyway, maybe you have been too something. But it could be a number of things.
This was what I was hoping for....but it just didn't evolve. But then again, now that I think of it, I wasn't really "in love" with his personality either. Geez...now that I'm putting this all down in writing I'm wondering why I've waited this long not to end it.
Thanks for your perspective also...and I hope things continue to go well with the current someone!
I totally understand what you are going thru. I've been there myself, kind of, because I never thought he made my skin crawl lol!!
But I wasn't entirely sure I was attracted to him but I loved everything else about him. I took it super slow (which he tells me was almost giving off the wrong vibes). We had our first date end of April and I wasn't really 'hook line and sinker' until July. Unreal hey? Don't get me wrong, before July things had turned the corner, I was happy to pursue it 'all in' but July was really a huge turning point for me. I would say it took until early June to really know forsure. Usually I move so quick, and go on lust I miss all the red flags, this time -- on some level -- I feel I did it right. It's been a great 8 months!
But if you are sitting there questioning more than just that 'fire' then I think you have your answer. I only ever questioned attraction and it pissed me off greatly!
I love her story!!!!
Anyway, I'm with PA... We think just because we are dating someone nice we should be head over heels but love doesn't work that way.0 -
Good Morning!! So I made the call last night!! Amazing how much better I felt after it was done.
I got to thinking last night too...the statement of he makes my skin crawl--I probably should not have used that statement in that context. There were just times when I just felt no interest, and I don't only mean in a sexual way...I also mean as just spending time together....like I just wanted him to leave so I could have my space back. So my apologies...I should have thought about that better before I made that statement.
But thanks for your responses. They all gave me some perspective. I think I had already knew the answer...but was feeling like a loser / douche for wanting to end it!! Feeling much better this morning!0 -
Have you checked out what your love language is? Sometimes people can be perfect on papert but just not what you are looking for because you don't speak the same language. What one person thinks is romantic could come across as clingy to someone else.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/0 -
Good Morning!! So I made the call last night!! Amazing how much better I felt after it was done.
Good for you! Ruth's suggestion of the 5 Love Languages is a good one too!0 -
Good Morning!! So I made the call last night!! Amazing how much better I felt after it was done.
Good for you! Ruth's suggestion of the 5 Love Languages is a good one too!
I read your post and thought to myself: I am pretty sure we have all been there. I (like you) use to guilt myself into staying with the guy because he was perfect on paper. It never got better, if anything it got worse. I would find myself picking fights, being upset with him (for no good reason). It was so not fair to them so I have learned that, if it isn't meant to be you must set them free. It is the right thing to do and you usually do feel better.
One time, I had such guilt that I ended up in the hospital having a panic attack. I had no idea what was going on as that was the first time it happened to me. It isn't worth it. I am glad you made the call and feel better.
Best of luck to you and thanks for sharing this.0 -
Good Morning!! So I made the call last night!! Amazing how much better I felt after it was done.
I got to thinking last night too...the statement of he makes my skin crawl--I probably should not have used that statement in that context. There were just times when I just felt no interest, and I don't only mean in a sexual way...I also mean as just spending time together....like I just wanted him to leave so I could have my space back. So my apologies...I should have thought about that better before I made that statement.
But thanks for your responses. They all gave me some perspective. I think I had already knew the answer...but was feeling like a loser / douche for wanting to end it!! Feeling much better this morning!
Happy to hear you feel better. It's really not fair on either party to be with someone that isnt right for you. You can both go on a find someone more suitable now. Good luck :flowerforyou:0 -
He's not "the one" girl. Move on and go back to what you're used to.
I'm exactly the same btw....i'm super picky and quickly bored. :ohwell:
,,,,teamsingle all the way :drinker:
but at what point does "being picky" just become a subconscious excuse to stay single, not commit and not be willing to be vulnerable and trusting?
i wonder this myself. i know that in the past in my 20's and 30's i had HUGE issues with commitment. i dont mean in a being a cheater kind of way, i mean in a way where i didnt like having to answer to people, have people rely on me, etc. it took me a while to realize that the issue was not necessarily that these guys weren't the one, it was that *I* wasn't the one. the real issue was me and my inability to 100% open myself up to being hurt so there was always something of a guard up and the closer and more intimate we'd get, the higher and thicker my walls went up.
looking back, i do feel a bit bad on it because i really hurt some awesome guys and i think how i did it was even worse than cheating because at least then they can say "ok there was someone else she liked better". instead it would be one day everything is great and we're close and the next i'm over it, dont call me anymore have a nice life.
i've spent several years attempting to fix that issue and now that i'm at a point where i understand where it comes from, i'm not 100% certain i'd repeat it again. i'd like to think that i wouldn't because i'm a lot better now at trusting people to getting to know the real me, but honestly i just dont know
ETA i'm almost 100% certain that 2 of the guys i manate were perfect for me and the person i am at the core, it's just that i wasnt ready to be that person with them. so sometimes it's not just about not meeting the right person, sometimes it's about not letting yourself be the right person to allow that relationship in. not sure that makes sense how i said it0 -
Have you checked out what your love language is? Sometimes people can be perfect on papert but just not what you are looking for because you don't speak the same language. What one person thinks is romantic could come across as clingy to someone else.
http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Thanks for that suggestion! I've been wanting to download a book to read when I travel and I've heard of that one before. I'll check it out over the weekend!He's not "the one" girl. Move on and go back to what you're used to.
I'm exactly the same btw....i'm super picky and quickly bored. :ohwell:
,,,,teamsingle all the way :drinker:
but at what point does "being picky" just become a subconscious excuse to stay single, not commit and not be willing to be vulnerable and trusting?
I've actually questioned myself on this the past couple of days..thinking man is it nice to have my time and space back! But I have to believe that if / when the right guy comes along, I won't mind sharing my time and space with him. But I also think there is a fine line between sharing and overtaking...and the guy I was seeing was pretty much overtaking.
And thank you Anna & PA. :flowerforyou: I don't post much on these boards but read them quite frequently. I love your humor and honesty!!0 -
I've actually questioned myself on this the past couple of days..thinking man is it nice to have my time and space back! But I have to believe that if / when the right guy comes along, I won't mind sharing my time and space with him.
I believe this 100%!0 -
Everyone here has some great advice! I'm the same way so it's interesting to read the replies...I've been in a similar situation...In a nutshell, saying he loves you after a week??? That's too big of a red flag...and you seem to be noticing "the real him" when he tells you his conversations with other people and you think he seems mean...plus you're not "that attracted" to him anyway. I'd move on asap!
Also this...all the way!I (like you) use to guilt myself into staying with the guy because he was perfect on paper. It never got better, if anything it got worse. I would find myself picking fights, being upset with him (for no good reason). It was so not fair to them so I have learned that, if it isn't meant to be you must set them free. It is the right thing to do and you usually do feel better.0 -
I could have written this one……gave a friendship four months, but after that time, there was no "spark" so I ended it. I have been a widow for 13+ years. I think part of it was that he wasn't Randy, but also felt that the friendship wasn't going to go anywhere….and he really wanted it to.
Kaye0 -
I think when you've been on your own for awhile (like you and me). . you realize being on your own has it's perks!. . If someone is going to fit into my life they are going to have to realize that I've got *kitten* to do!0
