Lost

christchick7

I'm lost; I really don't know how to handle this. You know I've been depressed since June and started a depression and anxiety
group at the hospital in November. What you don't know is even though I've been back at it since December, I have been eating
like nobody's business since June, the depression and stress are off the chart, and even though I'm exercising a lot, I'm not
losing. Not the way I eat. I know the biggest part of this is I choose what I eat, but the portions here are so BIG they are obscene.
I have asked repeatedly for less food, I have tried eating half my food, I am trying to exercise with LS at least 90 minutes daily
but my legs are too stiff lately and it's no good. I'm already on four different doctor prescribed laxatives most days because of a
hereditary and CP related constipation issue; just so I can go every other day. I've been reading about ana and mia a lot. I think
exercise mia might be an answer but I can't seem to exercise enough to make it work. I've tried to stick my toothbrush down my
throat, but all I do is gag; nothing comes up. The other day I started thinking I want to be sick, over and over. I have tried skipping
meals, but they track how much food you eat and keep making me eat. I hate to eat-I'm terrified of gaining any more weight, I
feel the food in my stomach like a slab of brick and I feel disgusted. I want to be in control but I'm not!!! I want to be part of my
MFP and Leslie families here. I want to love you guys and help you. But right now the idea of accepting help scares me. Losing
control scares me. I don't even know what to ask... ((

Sue

Becoming_A_Butterfly

Hello, I don't know a whole lot about your situation. Are you in a hospital? You said "the portions here are so big they are obscene", but I don't know where you are talking about.

I am no expert on depression or medical issues, but I know that anorexia and bulimia behaviors are definitely not a healthy or productive solution to anything. You will damage your body and make it even harder to be healthy.

If the food portions really are too big, what about portioning it out as soon as you receive it, pulling out what is a normal single serving and then sliding the rest to the side of the plate? Not skipping meals, but planning your servings at the beginning of the meal.

There seems to be a lot going on here, and I feel like the only advice I have offered is sort of lame. You sound very frustrated and unhappy, and I am trying to focus on the pieces you may have some control over but still take care of yourself and your body and your health.

LRoslin

Hey there, you are going through a lot right now. It has got to be frustrating to have so much out of your control. Please do not try to become bulimic. I suffered from bulimia during high school and college and afterwards. I can tell you that not only did it not help me lose weight, but I gave myself scars in my esophagus and throat. My digestion was very messed up, as well.

Is there anybody you can talk to there, a dietician for example, to ask if you can have some input regarding your meal plan? You should also bring up your anxiety regarding the food and your thinking about anorexia and bulimia to the person leading your depression group. I know it is tempting to think, "hey, this could solve all my problems!" But it will just give you a host of other problems.

The suggestion about dividing your meal in half, as the previous poster said, is a good one. Divide it, put that extra food away, hide it, move to the other side of the room and eat what you've chosen. Then ask for the tray to be taken away when you're done. But DO EAT. Eat within your TDEE, so you can stay healthy.

AnnofB

Sue,

I could not say it better than the two posters above me.

Take back control of what you can and do not sweat what you can't control.

Praying for you,

Annxx

zichab

Hi Sue,
I do not know you or your situation, but what I hear in your post is a lot of anger and depression is anger turned inward on the self. Maybe if you could focus on what is making you angry it could help you to cope with one annoyance at at time? For example, if it is your CP that is making you angry, well then start thinking about all the things you can do and see if that helps. For example, you can walk with us on your good days right? Woo Hoo!!! If it is the fact that you do not control your own life, well, work on controlling that which you can. For example, "they" may bring you food, but go to MFP and find out what has the least calories on the plate and only eat those things that fit your goal for yourself for one meal each day. At least you will feel in control for one meal and that might relieve some of your anger? Little successes will build into bigger successes and your weight will follow. You need to care about you first, before you can care about any of us and we want you to be happy too. Happy Valentines Day!
Brenda

texasgardnr

Hi Sue, I've been pondering and praying about what to write in response to your original post. There has been some very thoughtful replies written and I hope that you will consider them and see what might help you from them. Also please (or continue to) seek out those in your life who you trust for help.

Do continue to eat the healthiest that you can in spite of what and how much food is being served you even though it feels like an uphill battle so much of the time. Celebrate even the smallest victory in that area. And don't be so hard on yourself for when that didn't happen. Often we can be harder on ourselves than we would ever be on a friend or stranger.

I know that for many, myself definitely included, how I feel (mentally, physically and even spiritually b/c each one affects the others) can easily be traced back to what I eat or don't eat among other factors. Sometimes it doesn't show up right away, but sure as can be it eventually will. This is for both the positive as well as the negative repercussions of how I am taking care of myself in general and not always food related.
From what I know I'm pretty sure that you are aware of this for yourself also. Especially in the area of your relationship to food and also how certain foods affects your outlook and health.

Please, my dear friend, let go of any consideration of including exercise mia, because doing so certainly would never be a healthy answer to your struggles as others have already written. Your struggles are already difficult but adding such an unhealthy alternatives into the equation will be destructive and will eventually make everything worse and not better, even if it seems like it might be an answer at the moment.

Please be careful as far as exercise Sue. I read in your post about the stiffness in your legs and I do not want any possibly of your experiencing those horrible muscle spasms or falling again. You do have health challenges and I so very much want to affirm you in how you press on and ahead in your determination to be healthy as possible. I am praying for wisdom in that area for you.

I do not know what else to add except that you are a precious friend and I wish I knew what to write that might help you. I applaud you for your honesty and for reaching out to us in the walking group. I do hope that you find peace and real answers that will help you.

God bless you my friend. I am, and shall continue, to pray for you.

Love and hugs to you,
Mary