Would love some advice

palmerdanielle

So, I'll start off by saying I'm straight, but have always been supportive of the LGBT community, and like to think of myself as an ally. I've recently had a change in my life though and want to get some advice from others who have gone through a similar situation, whichever side you may have been on.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 4 years, and I love him very much and hope to get married and have kids in the future. He's made some hints before that he sometimes feels like he was meant to be a woman, but hasn't taken it much further than that. I always had an idea that he may be transgender, and I can support him in that because I love him for him. Now, the past few weeks he's begun some experimenting, little things like shaving his body hair, and talked with me the other day that he thinks he is transgender. He was pretty upset and was really worried this would disgust me or make me want to leave him. I don't feel that way at all, but the thing that I need to talk to him about is where I need some help. I'm not attracted to women. I have a part of me that really wants to support him and let him become who he feels he should be, as I know it's a long and difficult journey ahead, and he'll have a lot of judgement and has no idea how family and friends may react to this. He hasn't said whether or not he wants to physically change himself or not. I know if he could he would but isn't sure if his appearance is too masculine for it to work. I feel really torn because I can't ask him not to be who he's supposed to be, but at the same time I feel that if he were to make the transition, I'd be trying to be something I'm not as well.

This is all pretty new, he's begun a tumblr as his female side and I want him to explore this and be helpful, I've already started looking into local counselors and therapists that specialize in the areas he may need further help with. I guess I just feel really torn, like this is the person I want to marry and have kids with, and I think I could still love him even if he transitioned, but I don't know if the attraction will be gone, I know it's not all about the exterior but I feel like that isn't all that would change. I worry he won't still be entirely the person I fell in love with.

Has anyone else gone through this? I'd love to hear from either side, I want to do whatever I can to make this work and I don't want to come across as being closed-minded but I feel like it would be the same as if someone who's gay had the same thing happen with a partner, eg. two males, and one wanted to become a female... there's the side of you that really wants to make it work because you love them, but there's the other side that worries they may no longer be the person fell in love with and you may no longer be attracted to them.

Please let me know if anyone's gone through somethings similar, has suggestions, or if I'm being a bit ridiculous in all this because I really do feel bad for having these thoughts, so any advice would help.

alternativemommy

I have a hard time relating but I do have a fascination with this subject. I've read "She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders" by Jennifer Finney Boylan which is a nonfiction story very similar to what you are describing. If nothing else, it'll be a good read and you'll know there are others out there just like you. I've sometimes had the thoughts your boyfriend except I'm female (bi-sexual/pansexual). But I've never gone further than the thoughts and altering my dress to be more masculine.

Good luck.

motofairy

(I'm going to use the pronoun ze instead of he or she in my response, as I don't know your partner's preference at this time.)

This is such a hard situation. I would be as honest with your partner as possible without making it sound almost like an ultimatum - which is exactly what you're *not* trying to do!

Someone I was with several years ago was very butch and that type of presentation is what I'm very attracted to. I love masculine of center women. The longer we were together, the more femme she became and I did lose my attraction to her. It wasn't a foregone conclusion, and I didn't find her hideous, I just didn't respond to her in the same way. Eventually we split up for a bunch of reasons, including that one. We did try to make it work but there was definitely something missing.

That's not quite the same scenario you have, but I kinda feel where you're coming from. Who you are and who you like is part of you, just as who ze is and who ze likes is part of your partner. I don't know that I'd discount the possibility of an attraction (there are always exceptions to just about every rule, after all) but I do think it would be good to sit down with zir and explain your concerns in a loving way. There may be grieving and sadness in the future for both of you, but also kindness and honesty and a chance to know each other even better.

There are people for whom gender does not matter one whit, and how lucky that must be to have that kind of freedom in loving. As much as I've wanted that to be true for me, it isn't. I love women, and I am hugely attracted to butch women. Different strokes, I suppose.

I will leave you with a quote from Anais Nin. "The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom."

Pain and sadness may be inevitable, but being true to yourself and zir being true to who ze is...I think it's a worthwhile kind of enduring. To be kind, to be gracious, and to be honest - these things will make it easier for both of you no matter the outcome.

palmerdanielle

Thanks so much you guys, ill look into that book for sure! Yeah it really is a tough situation, I totally know what you mean about people who can love someone no matter what, I always thought of myself that way because logically it makes sense to me, but when it comes down to it I'm straight and I can't force myself to change. I'm going to talk to him about it soon. Still going with the term him for now until he says otherwise. I'll try to go about the conversation delicately, I absolutely don't want to give ultimatums but just want him to look at it from my point of view as well, and see that it's something we may both struggle with and have to make some sacrifices or changes along the way. I can understand the butch thing, honestly I do find more 'butch' girls attractive but that's about the extent of it. We like what we like, and I think if he were to make changes, in order to try to pull it off he'd really have to go more on the feminine side. I keep going back and forth, one part of the day thinking it doesn't bother me and I could still love him if he made a transition into a woman and that part doesn't matter, then later feeling like I'd always feel not entirely satisfied as I might lose the attraction I currently have. You're right I can't know for sure maybe he'll make the change and I really won't care, it's just hard to imagine right now. I'm going to be supportive but tell him how I'm feeling, and we can work through it slowly. I have some other worries as well but think I need to do more research, like if we want to have kids, he may have to use a sperm bank if he wanted to change before that, but things like that worry me because what if it's not enough? I know they expire, what if I want kids later and the expiry is too late? I'm only 22, he's 23 so there are just so many what ifs right now. Plus he said it's harder to transition after 25 so this could be something that happens soon. He still has no idea what he wants to do but I can tell if he had the choice he'd make the change, it's all the other factors that are weighing in. I also worry about things like a sex life, it's not the most important thing to me as ours hasn't been a big part of our relationship, I always suspected due to his depression but now I'm realizing it's likely been this all along, not feeling happy with his body.

I wish there was a simple solution here, I always saw us as a couple that it would be near impossible to ruin our relationship, he's my best friend, i can't see my life without him but this is the first time I've started questioning if this is something I'll be able to go with or if it might become too difficult, I want to be there for him, but I didn't realize how much it could affect me and my identity. We are who we are, and I'm sure many on here know what it's like trying to hide that for years, I've never had to and this makes me feel like he or I will have to based on whether or not he makes a transition if we stayed together. I'm a very faithful partner but I worry if he transitioned I'd always be looking at other guys and feeling like I was missing out. So many what ifs...

Thanks again though, It's really discouraging reading about these situations because most of the time it makes it sound like most couples can't work through it, and I would really like it if we could. I'm thinking I might sign us up for couples therapy to help with this. There are positives and negatives to both sides so I'll see if that's something he'd be interested in.

palmerdanielle

Well, just wanted to add that I talked to him and it went over very well, it'll be something we'll just have to work through along the way, whether he decides to make any physical changes or not.

motofairy

Glad to hear!

enchantedgardener

Well, just wanted to add that I talked to him and it went over very well, it'll be something we'll just have to work through along the way, whether he decides to make any physical changes or not.

There are still so many unknowns. It's impossible to say how your relationship may change over time, even if his gender were not an issue. ALL relationships change over time and they require regular 'tending to'. Open, honest communication. It seems you've got that already, and it is the most important part of maintaining a healthy relationship.

Don't worry too much about the future. Be happy with your partner today and enjoy the relationship that you have now. When the time comes to make decisions about marriage and children, you will find the answer that works for you. Just as he will figure out in time what sorts of changes he wishes to make in his life.

From the sound of things, you've both got everything you need for the journey ahead: caring and compassionate hearts, respect for each other, good communication skills. Other than that, just ensure each of you has a 'support system' in place (friends and others you can turn to for advice and support).