Giving support to others who have had surgery?

garber6th

This group has been awesome for me, I have learned so much from people who have been there and done that, and I think we all have a lot in common! I try to be supportive of people in this group, and people who have had surgery and added me as a friend here on MFP, however... (there is always "however" lol), sometimes I have a hard time biting my tongue when I see people posting certain things, like being just a month or two out from surgery and eating things that are clearly not part of the plan. I commented on someone's post about that today, and I made it clear that I thought that going off the program so soon was not a good thing, and I explained why. Part of me feels bad, I never want to burst anyone's bubble, but part of me thinks that we can't just tell each other, "oh it will be okay that you ate (fill in the blank) just a month or two out". I think if we are really going to support each other in this group, we need to be honest with each other. It doesn't have to be brutal honesty, we all have feelings, but walking on eggshells around each other doesn't seem honest or productive to me. What do you all think?

capecodgirl50

I agree with you. I am 7 days out of surgery. we all went through so much to become healthier - why divert back to the problem in the first place.

I sometimes say to myself, "what did I do!" but when I think of the future, I want to be healthier and of course, look great.

Don't jeopardize the main purpose. stick with it and you will be a happier and healthier person.

Just my thoughts,

dward59

Dale, since we are friends, I'm going to answer honestly.

We all make our choices and we all have to live with them. Presumably we are all adults and know the choices we make have consequences.

If you are a friend of the person, by all means be a friend and call them on it, have a discussion. But if it is a random poster, well unless they are asking specifically for input, it sounds judgemental.

You can't force someone to have a mental outlook. If they are pounding down ice cream, chips and other items, they have to know that they are sabotaging themselves. Does your calling them on it help them, or make them drop the MFP account so they won't be judged? Since I don't know what their doctor told them about eating, I'm just going by what MY doctor told me, and I do know that while most things line up, they don't always. Their doctor may not be as concerned about higher levels of carbs than my doctor. I can't imagine that being true, but it could be.

So, you have to judge for yourself. Is it support or is it hurtful enough to drive people away? I'd rather they be here so maybe I can offer the help when it is asked for. Until it is asked for, it is not my business to point out what I may perceive as a short coming.

As always, your mileage may vary, and any probing into the ice cream I ate last night does not negate my views... :happy:

Ksh1055

I completely agree with both of you. In fact, I have had to extend each food stage by a week or so. At almost 8 weeks out I'm just now starting to eat foods like tuna fish, chicken, shrimp, sausage. peanut butter toast, etc. Working my way back into the real foods and constantly reminding myself and being reminded through this group that everything takes time, everyone is different and we all want to succeed in losing our unwanted weight.

I have my set schedule of 4-5 small meals a day always with protein first. Remember milk is a meal (has protein), and small portions at those meals/snacks. I'm already eating healthier than I have before. Too bad I'm still able to eat chocolate chip cookies, so I just don't keep anything like that in the house unless it's higher in protein and low in fat/fat free.

Karen

garber6th

Dale, since we are friends, I'm going to answer honestly.

We all make our choices and we all have to live with them. Presumably we are all adults and know the choices we make have consequences.

If you are a friend of the person, by all means be a friend and call them on it, have a discussion. But if it is a random poster, well unless they are asking specifically for input, it sounds judgemental.

You can't force someone to have a mental outlook. If they are pounding down ice cream, chips and other items, they have to know that they are sabotaging themselves. Does your calling them on it help them, or make them drop the MFP account so they won't be judged? Since I don't know what their doctor told them about eating, I'm just going by what MY doctor told me, and I do know that while most things line up, they don't always. Their doctor may not be as concerned about higher levels of carbs than my doctor. I can't imagine that being true, but it could be.

So, you have to judge for yourself. Is it support or is it hurtful enough to drive people away? I'd rather they be here so maybe I can offer the help when it is asked for. Until it is asked for, it is not my business to point out what I may perceive as a short coming.

As always, your mileage may vary, and any probing into the ice cream I ate last night does not negate my views... :happy:

Dan thanks for the words of wisdom. I totally get what you are saying. I try not to say things in a judgmental way, but I do see how words could be perceived as judgmental. That said, if I was 6 weeks out and ate some fries (for example) and got violently ill, I would probably appreciate a verbal smack upside the head. To me there's a difference between going off plan 4, 6, or 8 weeks out, and broadening your choices a year out. It's very hard for me to see people potentially doing themselves harm and seeing others say, "it's ok, you will do better". It's a very slippery slope and when I do give advice/opinions/words of encouragement, my hope is that it will help someone from going down the same path they were going down pre-surgery.

dward59

I know you so I know you wouldn't be judgemental. But sometimes Cyber speak doesn't carry our tonality. I was joking with someone and she initially thought I was really upset about a post she had made. I guess I'm overly conservative on this because I'm always wondering if my desired tone carries through.

For some people, maybe a post would make them think a bit and would be helpful. It is all going to depend on the mental and emotional state of the person when they read the post. I love the PM feature for those discrete slaps upside the head. It shows concern both for the person's eating stumbles, and for their image/perception here in MFP. (I've received a few of those PM's recently too. Just to put it out there. I've been stumbling heavily 10 months out. I have my one year appointment in three weeks and am really trying to pull myself back inline. Thankfully the aforementioned ice cream was the end of it.)

pawoodhull

Dale and Dan I agree with you both. I tend to private message the person if I feel the need to "correct". I think it's accepted better if correction or corrective suggestions are done privately. Less likely the person will feel called out in public if you know what I mean. But yes, part of supporting each other is having the honesty to point out when someone is going off track. I hope my friends here will do that for me. Let's face it, we all know how easy it is to fall back into old, bad food habits. We need to be each other's safety nets. I believe that's supposed to be part of the support we all offer each other.

Good discussion!

teachren

I agree this is a good discussion topic. I will chime in with Dale on this one (I don't know you but I do read a lot of your posts so I feel like I do! :-).

If someone is specifically asking about their eating plan or exercise level in a group post or on their ticker, I think it is appropriate to give an honest answer. I don't mean a cruel one...just honest.

We all screw up sometimes and usually don't need someone to give us a "smack in the head" over the internet as we have already done it to ourselves. I find as I get closer to a year out I have been a little too quick to let some junk fall back into my diet but do realize that I am on the cusp of maintainence so I have to find a way to live too. Usually, I give myself a big dose of reality, look back at my before pics I leave on my desktop and do a better job the next day. I have lost the weight...I know what to do. I just have to do it.

Now that being said, a few months ago I wasn't giving myself the swift kick in the butt. When I was early out I needed someone to say to me "You know it might not be a good idea to let those Quest bars into your diet" or "Careful with the crackers if you are watching your carbs". They were right.

So...if you are going to ask for suggestions or help you have to be open to the options that are given and take what you want and leave the rest.

As always, just my two cents! :-)