Is she cheating?

ZOOpergal

I've had two previous relationships with women...the first was a 7 year long SECRET relationship. When that ended, I was out in a relationship with a younger girl for three years. Both women cheated on me. Since then, I've been seeing this woman who is my age, common interests, and very much a physical attraction. Problem...she is a committed loner. She's been very open with me about the fact that she hasn't been in a relationship in a long time, and we have been taking it slow. She is extremely private about where she is, who she's with, etc. Not just with me...just in general. Knowing this about her, I ask very few questions, and usually eventually she tells me, and it's always innocent. (What she's been doing) This is very hard for me, because of my past experience. Our relationship has progressed, and always at her choice. For instance, SHES the one that decided to be exclusive, SHES the one who asked me to stay over at her place, SHES the one that has called me her girlfriend on occasion. She goes through periods where she doesn't text, call, or want to hang out. (This is something she has previously told me she goes through, so it wasn't a surprise.) I wait her out, and eventually after giving her her space, she comes back around. She doesn't know how hard this all is on me, because I don't want to be pushy, smothering, or scare her off. She always has women hitting on her. She is a very friendly person, but she isn't the type to just hook up, especially with strangers. But I always wonder...if she's out at a bar with friends...and shes had too much to drink...would she? We've had this conversation, and shes always very reassuring that she will be completely honest, and that if she ever wanted to be with someone else that she would tell me...but still i wonder. I do trust her...but of course I always wonder if I'm being played...I certainly give her enough space to cheat if she wanted to. Most of me thinks that she's not cheating, she just likes to have her space, and not having to report to anyone..."Hang on loosely" if you will. But theres always that chance...thoughts?

EvanKeel

You don't trust her. Not really. You want to trust her, but you have trust issues for very understandable reasons. You would probably feel better in general if you worked past those. It doesn't matter if you two were living together, wearing rings, and knew where she was 90% of time. If she wanted, she could still cheat on you. Sometimes it happens. Sometimes it happens to happy couples.

Either you accept the possibility and find inner peace, or you stay in the uncomfortable situation you're in now, which is most likely just going to get worse rather than better.

Also, if she doesn't know how hard this all is on you, you're the one who has the power to change that. It's not being pushy to be open and honest about your feelings. Expecting people or circumstances to change without some sort of communication or intervention on your part is just setting yourself up for drama/hurt feelings.

thoughtaling76

I guess my feeling is that you are being very respectful of what she wants and what she needs which is good but it doesn't sound like ( and I could be wrong) that she is taking what you need into consideration... We all have a past and from that we have different needs. She has said she likes freedom while you may need some extra reassurance at times because of your past.. Talk to her and let her know what you need because she won't know unless you tell her.. Good luck!!

b_ray_73

I'd definitely talk to her and let her know where you're at. Let her know that sometimes it makes you nervous because of your past relationship history. Let her know you're trying to work on moving past it so she doesn't think you're accusing or suspecting the worst. Hopefully she'll understand. It can be hard trusting people again when you've been cheated on in the past.

Good luck!

Nix143

EvanKeel talks sense. She has been upfront and honest about what she wants and needs from a relationship - have you been as equally sure and forthright about your needs? If you have been hurt previously and you need extra reassurance right at this point in time then you need to own that and voice it. And if she can't give you that because of how she is built then there is no wrong in this situation, there is just a mismatch of wants and needs.

In time dealing with your very understandable trust issues is the goal but right now, where you are, you maybe need someone who can give you something this woman can't. Assuming you have given her the opportunity to fully understand where you're coming from.

Good luck, I've battled with trust issues for years and am only now getting a real, true handle on it

ZOOpergal

I've deciding to stop pining. Her seeming indifference has gotten worse. If she's too chicken to say she wants to end it, I'm gonna stop worrying about it. If I bring it up, she turns it around on me. No more texting, no more practically begging to spend time with her...just "radio silence". We'll see if she either comes back or we go our seperate ways. I'm gonna be super sad about this, but its the best thing I can do.

EvanKeel

I've deciding to stop pining. Her seeming indifference has gotten worse. If she's too chicken to say she wants to end it, I'm gonna stop worrying about it. If I bring it up, she turns it around on me. No more texting, no more practically begging to spend time with her...just "radio silence". We'll see if she either comes back or we go our seperate ways. I'm gonna be super sad about this, but its the best thing I can do.

I don't have all the details certainly, but radio silence doesn't seem like open communication to me. Obviously I'm not dating you, but I can say nothing pisses me off more than someone who feels the need to "test" me. Just food for thought.