How to get the spouse sparked re: nesting?

BrainOnAStick

Tomorrow marks 35 weeks for me. I have gone about 9 months with very little interest or involvement from my spouse. It took two to make the baby, but apparently one is supposed to prepare the home for a baby. I had a vision of "nesting" that involved two people getting excited, planning, and prepping for a baby together. You know, a "shared experience" kind of thing? Instead, I've actually been criticized for caring about whether our home is ready for a baby. The irony is that other responsibilities of mine (i.e., my dissertation) would get MORE attention if i had MORE help from my spouse in the housework arena. I have had to beg and plead on several occasions to get a half-hearted response from my spouse.

It has been "business as usual" for nine months. There was no babymoon, no surprise donut deliveries, no flowers, and certainly nothing that said "Thank you for healthfully growing our child and taking care of our home." Maybe I am feeling really resentful today as I've recently had to investigate how my body is about to be obliterated by the process of childbirth.

Am I alone in feeling alone in this pregnancy gig?

JustAnotherGirlSuzanne

Tomorrow marks 35 weeks for me too!!

We weren't planning on getting pregnant when we did, (but we are both thrilled anyway), so I never really envisioned anything when it comes to getting the house ready for baby.

My husband isn't really into the whole decorating and making a house feel like a home thing, and he never really has been. You should have seen the place where he was living before I moved in! I think he had a bed and a couch. It's not that he's not creative, it's just more that he can't be bothered or doesn't really see the point in putting a table cloth on the kitchen table.

As far as getting baby's room ready, I'll ask him to move some furniture around for me and he'll do it for me. He's also very understanding that sometimes I won't want to eat a certain food for dinner for absolutely no apparent reason. (Spaghetti and chilli - his favourite foods - just turn my stomach) We've had McDonalds more than I'd care to admit over the past 7 1/2 months.

It's been business as usual for us too except now I'm not allowed to lift any heavy boxes. No babymoon, surprise donut deliveries, flowers for reasons other than anniversaries/birthdays, and the like either. I don't mind though, I don't like having a big deal being made over me.

RatherBeInTheShire

I dont' think a lot of people get it, but pregnancy can be VERY lonely. Even for the mother who is growing the child. My husband has a lot of growing up to do ( I commented on the link on your page, so I won't get into it here) and he's been really difficult with certain aspects of this. In the beginning he didn't believe that I had morning sickness. He even went as far to tell me TO MY FACE that "i was just it an excuse to stop helping around the house!" to which I couldn't even repsond. Just because I didn't throw up, he didn't believe that I felt awful. It didn't click until I lost 10 lbs and literally did nothing but go to work, and lay on the couch.

Then after all that passed he gets pissy becasue my back hurts/ my head hurts/ my feet hurt/ect. Everything is a compettiton and its' very annoying and childish. If I complain about my back he'll say "Now you know how I feel!" because he has back problems. He can't just let me complain. I try not too, but it's HARD!

Then he got mad about my whole nesting/cleaning thing. That's a whole other story...

I feel for you, because I feel the same exact way!

usernameMAMA

Yep, yep and yep. You are not alone! I have a honey do list made up to get ready for the baby and it has yet to be done. This is our second child so I know what to expect from him. It's not much:/

I hate to be the negative Nancy but it may not get any better for awhile. With our first he got up in the middle of the night maybe three times...ever. Our first is almost 2 now. Not only would he not get up with the baby but he would get mad because his sleep was broken because the baby wouldn't stop screaming (we had a colic issue for the first 6 months or so). He never does feedings, he never gives bath's and he never puts my son to sleep. Getting my hubby to change a diaper is not worth the argument anymore.

I chalked a lot of it up to men not "doing" very well with pregnancy, newborns and infants. Now that my first is a toddler, my husband is his best friend. They wrestle and run around, tickle fights, all the things that mommy just doesn't do. I'm the stability and snuggles, daddy is the buddy and punching bag. It works out well now but that first year was a killer.

You guys will be fine, I'm sure a lot of it is hormones right now. I spent the last three days crying on and off and for some reason blaming my husband for it. Just remember that in the long run it doesn't really matter if the nursery has a fresh coat of paint or the laundry is all done and put away. You have made a perfect little human that loves you no matter what is finished:)

tiggerhammon

This is going to sound crazy to you guys probably but I want to thank all of you for putting this into perspective for me.
My husband is no ***hole. He is not unsympathetic or uncaring or rude, ever.
I have complained - actually as a post on my wall, about his procrastinating. But, that's all it really is. He never says he won't do it, he never tells me to do it or to get over it - he always says he will and then he never does. Nesting has been a royal pain because I can't seem to get him to help at all- again, not cause he won't, he just doesn't.
But, it is frustrating because I have 6 weeks left to go and the baby room is still full of my husband's things and he just won't get around to do it. Now, that being said, he has the world's greatest excuse as to why he never does anything.... He works - a lot - and is super tired - all the time. He worked 65 hrs this week!
Now, being there for me whenever he is home, my husband is amazing. When I had serious morning sickness my husband would come home, make dinner, get our daughter ready and off to bed (and always tucked her in with the same message "be sure you help take care of mom for me, I can't be here so you need to help me out") and then he would come find me and ask " is there anything I can do for you?" He would never do dishes or anything like that, unless I asked him to. I wouldn't have to nag or anything, if I asked him to - he did it.
As for the sympathy, he doesn't completely get it but he really tries. I have my moments where I will do something silly, like crying for no reason at all. My husband will ask me what is wrong and I say "I am really not sure why I am crying it isn't a big deal, I am just being hormonal I guess, just ignore me." He doesn't tell me I am ridiculous, he doesn't laugh at me and he never ignores me when I tell him to either. He puts his arms around me and tells me he is sorry he doesn't understand and has no idea what I am going through. He says "men just have no idea what that feels like so it is impossible to say we get it. I am not going to lie to you and say I understand, because I don't." He just loves me
There are areas of this whole baby thing where he thinks I am completely ridiculous and he tells me. Mostly things like, buying baby clothes and stuff months before due day (for some reason that drove him crazy.) He doesn't say anything rude but he gets sick of me talking about nothing but baby all the time. Whenever he gets sick of it, he just ignores whatever I was asking or saying and starts talking about something else. After awhile I just started letting it go but it still bugged me. Now, after reading some of your comments, I have realized there are much worse ways he could go about this. I would rather him just randomly change the subject or ignore me than say something rude.

My husband is not perfect, and sometimes he drives me insane But, I thank you all for sharing and helping me realize how amazing he really is.

My husband has never had a baby. We have an 8yr old that is from a previous marriage of mine, he met her when she was 2 and she was 3.5 when we got married. I have no idea what he is going to be like with a baby and I might possibly be the only one up in the night (mostly because my husband sleeps like the dead and nothing wakes him) but I know that he is amazing with little kids. So, if a baby isn't his forte, I can deal with that and can handle it on my own for a bit because I know when the kid starts walking and talking my husband will be an amazing parent!

RatherBeInTheShire

The latest thing i've found with my hubby is that he want's to be "understanding" and to look good to others (opens car doors and such for me in public) but when we are at home, he doesn't want to help me without complaining. It's enraging. This week we are staying at my mom's house while she is on vacation and the laundry is 2 floors down from us. He said yesterday that he would do the laundry so that I didn't have to run up and down the steps. Okay. Great. So he didn't put the stuff in the dryer long enough and later that evening I asked him to go check because if it wasn't dry, I didn't want it to sit in the dryer all night still half wet. Well then it was a whole OTHER story. He kept saying "I just wish you would have remembered BEFORE I was about to go to bed!" UH?? Why do I have to remind him that HE put a load of laundry in? Shouldn't he remember he did that?

Then he starts listing off all the other things he did that evening to help out (like cleaning up dog vomit because I can't really stoop down or get up from that position without diffiiculty). So it's like.. he'll help but only to throw it back in my face later how much stuff he does for me! I'd like for him to just help out without him complaining!

I'm sorry. I don't mean to turn this into a Husband bashing thread. I love my husband very much, but pregnancy has made me see another selfish side to him that i've never seen before. He has no idea how hard it is to be pregnant!

JustAnotherGirlSuzanne

That's so frustrating. I wish you didn't have to deal with that.

I've often wondered how guys cope with the idea of becoming a father for the first or the second or third time. It's difficult physically on us for sure but there's got to be stress on his end as well. A lot of guys feel the need to be the provider even if we work and contribute to the household income as well. I can only imagine that another mouth to feed can be worrisome while being great all at the same time. Not that it makes acting childish all right by any means.

Actually, the way you describe how your husbands act at times sounds exactly like how I act when I'm stressed out. I feel so bad for my husband when I'm like that.

JustAnotherGirlSuzanne

I'm sorry, I don't mean to sound preachy, I was more introspective than anything...