Will it ever completely go!!!

NewAngel35

Hi there,
I havent been here for a while.Ive had a really bad depressive episode .I was wondering if the urge to be slimmer ever completely goes. I can honestly say since I was 14(20years) the only time I have ever not worried about food/weight/measurments is when Ive been pregnant.
I do go through fazes of eating-a lot but its the voice and guilt...my mood swings. My poor boyfriend doesnt get why some days I am just so angry and wont let him near me I feel disgusting.
Technically Im not over weight current 126lbs although I would like to be back to 120.Its getting harder the older I get.I would just love to be able to switch my thinking ..so food is something that can be enjoyed.
Ive had many periods where it seems like its getting better but then it could be a year then bang that anorexic voice comes in.Its so hard.
It makes me feel better once I gain control of my eating.I wish I wasnt like this. I wish I didnt feel so uncomfortable in my skin. No matter what weight Ive got too and that has been terribly low sometimes...I still cant escape that horrible feeling of inadequacy .So does it really matter what weight I am.....
This is a question I ve pondered for years....yet something in me will not let go...

are there any other long term sufferers out there??.

skrlec70

sigh Im 43 and its still here, the dysmorphia is better , ive accepted me as me and its ok if im not thin thin, my perspective has changed, I understand now people arnt calling me fat as I walk by or I don't have to be perfect, perfect to me was so thin I was invisible , treatment was difficult for me as I was the only fat kid in the room ( how the mind works ) but normalized eating has helped me so much, cravings are gone, altho I am now snacking at night, no purging tho in almost 2 months, I caved today and bought a 30 day cleanse, I haven't lost more then 4 pounds, I go up and down, I am counting on it getting better in answer to your question, acceptance for me is key, so im no longer a size 5 big deal, ok ok so im a 12 and im pissed and yes it will come off, this time I just want to feel better, ( bulimia backfires at a certain age for me it did anyways lol )
when I was 126 a few years ago I still wasn't happy, lose more , its not enough, lose more, then I started gaining, sweet lord now I understand what I lost , now I see that yes I was thin , looked and felt great, my goal is not 126 by any means, I do understand now I was thin , now im pleasantly plump, my look is great, but I don't feel great, out of breath, cant work out, so tired, I feel like a garbage can LOL hence the cleanse , be ok with who you are, your gorgeus, me telling you that and you believing it are 2 entirely different things. mine started at 17, im 43 now , it will get better with age that I can say. :flowerforyou:

jfauci

Well, I'm not sure you will want to read this, but at 49 I still struggle with this every day. I look at myself in the mirror daily and can't see the positives. I'm currently 118 pounds and people tell me that I have nice muscle tone, but honestly, I don't see it. For me, it's gotten a little more difficult as I get older. Maybe it's because older people aren't suppose to have ED's, but I am what I am. Hope things get better for you.

NewAngel35

Thanks for taking the time to respond.Maybe my perception of recovery was to go back to being 'normal'...Maybe this is the way im going to be sometimes better than others.
oh to wake one day and not care..to be able to eat if I want to.To not panic every time .I feel like its eating my life up....

skrlec70

yes it can happen, you keep working on you, if you accept it then fine, but if really want to change then change the mindset.

Greentreefrog1

Hey, I don't think anorexia/an eating disorder ever completely goes away, that's just the way anorexia is, it's a chronic relapsing and remitting illness. I know this is kind of a controversial view, but it's what I've found to be the truth.
I think that's why DSM-5 has "in partial remission" and "in complete remission"- so even if you're weight restored and no longer have any active thoughts or behaviours, you are still considered to have "anorexia nervosa, in complete remission", reflecting the fact it's a chronic illness, and you'll always have that underlying susceptibility, you always have to be watchful against it reemerging.
Plus, I honestly, honestly think even if you are world's better, weight restored, eating properly, and no longer engaging in a one thousandth of as many behaviours/thoughts, an eating disorder still has a firm grip on you in some inexplicable way (at least that's been my experience). It's really hard to feel completely, truly free from it.
To answer your question, yes, I'm a longish term suffer too, as in, I first developed anorexia in primary school, and I've been unwell to varying degrees with various eating disorders for around a decade now. But I'm a lot less sick now than I was before, and I've had times in the last 10 years when I've been doing amazingly, so remission is possible
Are you seeing any professionals for this?

NewAngel35

Hi,
Thanks for talking the time to give such an indepth answer.I like you over 22 years have had periods of being a lot better.Yet Your right its still there.I did see a therapist many years ago and since then I have had a few referals for NHS help but then not gone.So really its been a battle I've faced alone.

rlwright95

I would love to say yes, but then I probably won't be on this site if my ED had gone away. I thought I was completely recovered, that felt amazing. However, all of those thoughts have started rearing their heads again and led me to this. One thing I have learnt though is that you can, at least, feel like you are fully recovered, eat whatever you want and no think about calories and weight. Even if it does only lasts for a couple of weeks, at least its a short period of freedom. And maybe if you keep having those short periods, maybe one day it will be permanent. I really hope so.