Is it possible to love yourself while obese?

BodyByChipsAhoy

What do you all think?

If I didnt really think too much about it, I would say absolutely not! How can you love yourself when you're slowly killing yourself.

But...I started using food as a coping mechanism as a child. It has always been how I try to soothe myself. I dont think I had any other way.

Now that I'm an adult, I know better and am able to discover other ways I can self-soothe and cope with life.

However, it's so ingrained in me that it is difficult. Along with the psychological aspect, you have the physiological addiction.

Therefore, I eat because I am trying to take care of myself the way I have always known how to do. And when you love yourself, you take care of yourself, even if it is in an unhealthy way.

Make sense?

catladyksa

When I was not making any effort to lose the extra pounds....No, did not love myself. But when I started to lose weight, I began to see myself in a different light.

kaliya89

Therefore, I eat because I am trying to take care of myself the way I have always known how to do. And when you love yourself, you take care of yourself, even if it is in an unhealthy way.

Make sense?

That makes total sense!

I recently watched the documentary Hungry For Change, and in it one of the guys was talking about how we're fat because our subconscious mind wants to be fat - it keeps us fat because it's trying to protect us, to take care of us. So we tend to hate our bodies and our minds for "being out to get us," when really we're just trying to protect ourselves. So it absolutely makes sense that we can love ourselves even if we're obese. Our weight is just one part of us. Even if we hate the weight, there are still other parts of ourselves that we should still love. Our intelligence. Our kindness. Our sense of humor. Our dedication. Whatever.

We don't want other people to judge us based solely on our weight, and we shouldn't judge ourselves, either!

KarenZen

I'm going to keep this in mind all day. My shrink noticed that I am very hard on myself- -verbally abusive at times (especially berating myself for not following my eating plan" perfectly"). I would Never talk to b someone else as harshly as I do myself!

My mother is the queen of self loathing. Even now, at age 75, she wanders around muttering horrible things about her" fat *kitten*." I've asked her to stop- -sixty years of being on a diet, failing repeatedly, and hating herself for doing this. Hey, at least I know where I got my training!

BodyByChipsAhoy

"Our weight is just one part of us. Even if we hate the weight, there are still other parts of ourselves that we should still love. Our intelligence. Our kindness. Our sense of humor. Our dedication. Whatever."


Exactly! I think sometimes we forget that weight makes up only a fraction of our being. But its easy to forget that when we get so many messages in our society that a skinny body is valued above anything else.

One thing I love about myself is that I am one heck of a mom. I feel like it is what I was born to do, even though I didnt have my son until I was 39! This amazes me because I had terrible role models.

___________________________________________________________________________

Karen, you are beautiful and don't deserve all that negative self-talk! I dont know if this will help you, but when I find myself doing that, or contemplating a bad food choice, I ask myself these questions: "why are you trying to hurt yourself?" "What is bothering you that is bringing on the need to do that?". It helps when I force myself to confront the behavior and to figure out where that behavior is coming from. I also do that when I feel in a down mood. I think about what's going on in my day and am usually able to pinpoint what it is that is bothering me.

It definitely doesnt work everytime, but a lot of times it does.

~Becky

PatrickB_87

Is it possible, yes. Do I, no.

I can be somewhat satisfied with myself, with my body and all it brings, no.

I like so many in this group are worried about the health implications of this body, allowing myself to keep these habits that built this body is not loving myself.

julieworley376

I am with RatPat on this one. Yes I think it is possible, but do I? I would say no. Because my weight has affected so much of my life that if I went through each and every way I would be crying buckets of self loathing. I can't take care of my house properly, could not play with my kids properly when they were young including being too self conscious to go to parties and definitely NO swimming. At this point it has me dragged down that.. I have contemplated suicide because I am so tired of the fight and have been in despair not knowing if I can ever solve this and feel better.

One of the best things I have ever done is started this group and I come here and I am in this with you all.. and it's amazing having so many people here who understand, when I am on top of my game and I can be encouraging and motivational I do it.. when I am down you guys do it for me.

Love myself? No. But I do want to.

andysdream

OK, so then is it possible to achieve goals of losing weight, staying on food plans, or exercise goals etc. if you do not love yourself ? Will you eventually sabotage yourself because you don't feel worthy . I sure hope not.

BodyByChipsAhoy

OK, so then is it possible to achieve goals of losing weight, staying on food plans, or exercise goals etc. if you do not love yourself ? Will you eventually sabotage yourself because you don't feel worthy . I sure hope not.

Andy, I think that's the key to the vicious cycle many of us find ourselves in. It's a catch-22: if you dont love yourself, you're not going to do good things for yourself (ie lose weight), but if you dont lose weight, you won't love yourself.

To be successful, we must learn to love ourselves for all of our positive qualities.

~Becky

andysdream

You are so right Becky, but it is really hard when there are messages everywhere that it is unacceptable to be overweight. So many young girls have low self esteem and hate their bodies because of what they see and hear in the media, from friends, or even family members.

blondageh

I'm going to keep this in mind all day. My shrink noticed that I am very hard on myself- -verbally abusive at times (especially berating myself for not following my eating plan" perfectly"). I would Never talk to b someone else as harshly as I do myself!

My mother is the queen of self loathing. Even now, at age 75, she wanders around muttering horrible things about her" fat *kitten*." I've asked her to stop- -sixty years of being on a diet, failing repeatedly, and hating herself for doing this. Hey, at least I know where I got my training!

I was surprised to read this because when I saw the title of the thread, I immediately thought of you and how you seemed to have the best self image and self acceptance despite your weight.

I got a little sad reading this too: "Our weight is just one part of us. Even if we hate the weight, there are still other parts of ourselves that we should still love. Our intelligence. Our kindness. Our sense of humor. Our dedication. Whatever."

Because I try to find good parts of me that I CAN like, and I constantly come up short. I hate how timid I am. How I am not a smart as I used to be. Definitely not as hard working as I used to be, I am not motivated, determined. I guess I just do not love myself at all. Fat or thin.

KarenZen

Because I try to find good parts of me that I CAN like, and I constantly come up short. I hate how timid I am. How I am not a smart as I used to be. Definitely not as hard working as I used to be, I am not motivated, determined. I guess I just do not love myself at all. Fat or thin.

This is so sad! How can you lose 90 pounds and still think you aren't motivated and successful at weight loss?

I am really struggling with this today... and then I think about my sister, who is also obese, and whom I love with all of my heart, and I wonder, if I can love HER without reservation and unconditionally, without expecting perfection from her, why can't I turn that lens on myself?

I had my shrink appointment at noon today, and we discussed this very topic (I told her about our group). She said that so many of her binge eaters share this common self-loathing, that they tend to be very busy people, working harder, doing more things for others, often being co-dependent, and hiding this secret shame that makes them feel unworthy of love.

I had one of those shame moments on Saturday, sitting at a slot machine in a casino, and sneaking chocolates out of a bag and popping them into my mouth. Hoping no one saw me. I have SO MUCH self-esteem in other areas of my life--I am a good friend, daughter, sister. I am a fabulous teacher. I'm a f#cking laugh riot and a blast to hang out with. But man oh man, when it comes to controlling my eating, I am a flipping mess, and I hate that part of myself so much, hate my body, hate "the beast" that lives in my stomach. Hate my lack of willpower.

So this must be the next lesson I need to learn--to love my body as it is now, to love all parts of myself as I am now. To make changes out of love, not hate. To stop being so ashamed.

Maybe then I will make this journey to healthy me with more ease and peace.

blondageh

Because I have been at it now for 20 years and can't seem to get it right. :sad:

Honestly, my Mom is very supportive of me, but she is very critical of herself (like yours) and others. The last time she was down here visiting, she commented on everyone's weight on T.V., in the magazines, how skinny they were, how fat, etc. It's all about appearances, all the time. I told my husband about it. I was like, I am enjoying our visit but dang, she doesn't ever stop with the judging. It does make me wonder what she says about me. Ugh. Constantly. I shouldn't give a rat's butt, but I do.

Karen, I swear, you sound like such a joy to be with. If it wasn't for any health issues that would rob the world of keeping you around longer or you enjoying every part of it, I would say don't change a darn thing!!!

andysdream

I have a friend who would always say negative self loathing comments about her weight. Now, in my opinion, she is not overweight. Every time she would start making these comments, I would cringe and think "what does she think of me". So one day, when she started berating herself, I said that it made me really uncomfortable to hear her talk about herself like that. She has never done it again.

PatrickB_87

OK, so then is it possible to achieve goals of losing weight, staying on food plans, or exercise goals etc. if you do not love yourself ? Will you eventually sabotage yourself because you don't feel worthy . I sure hope not.

Its a good question. I didn't mean to sound self loathing and fat hating.

Their are many parts of me that I like, its just not my body. But its because of those parts of me that I like that I want a body that is healthy and a reflection of a desire to treat myself better. I appreciate what has been done to change, in the past, the social stigma of being overweight. I wasn't always obese but almost always overweight and I appreciated that it wasn't acceptable for people to put me down or make me feel bad about myself because of my weight. Granted with the push for awareness about obesity a lot of that seemed to go out the door when people seemed to have adopted the attitude that awareness meant they had a right to voice an opinion about my body or health.

So I do think its possible to achieve my goals even though I am unhappy with my body. Because those goals are tied to a love of myself just not with what I have allowed myself to do and still feel worth of changing that. Their will always bee some self self sabotage with these bad habits and some of the emotions that are tied to this body. The habits I have to work on and I have to keep reminding myself that the weight loss can only be tied to my health, I can't expect it to solve emotional problems and i have to be realistic about that.

KarenZen

OK, so then is it possible to achieve goals of losing weight, staying on food plans, or exercise goals etc. if you do not love yourself ? Will you eventually sabotage yourself because you don't feel worthy . I sure hope not.

So I do think its possible to achieve my goals even though I am unhappy with my body. Because those goals are tied to a love of myself just not with what I have allowed myself to do and still feel worth of changing that. Their will always bee some self self sabotage with these bad habits and some of the emotions that are tied to this body. The habits I have to work on and I have to keep reminding myself that the weight loss can only be tied to my health, I can't expect it to solve emotional problems and i have to be realistic about that.

I think you're right Rat. Weight loss won't solve emotional problems. To reach morbid obesity, I would guess we all have psychological issues to resolve, so hopefully everyone is working the two sides so m simultaneously, either in counseling, a group like OA , or other types of resources.

Sandyslosenit

YES, YES, YES!!! I love myself and I love this body I'm in right now, yesterday, and tomorrow. I grew up with handicap sisters. My sister Janice was born with brain cancer and it effected her ability to walk, she passed at 4. My sister Brenda had Spina Bifida causing paraplegia. She spent her whole life in a wheelchair fighting to live and she never let that stop her from enjoying life!!! I think this lets me have a very different perspective on body image. I'm not happy with my weight, but my weight in no way defines me. This body, as of yet, has never let me down. It gets me where I need to be, sometimes I might be in pain because of what ive put this body through, but it still gets up and goes. I want to lose the weight to enjoy life more, but im still enjoying it now. I'm not saying that I don't recognize that my weight has put limitation on my activity's and that has me screaming "NO MORE"!!!!! But yes I love myself, I even find a few parts of myself very sexy. I hope all of you find the way to love yourselves and these body's that carry you though life. Blessings :flowerforyou:

BodyByChipsAhoy

What a great perspective, Sandy!

mikesgirl4evr

Like several of the others, I believe it is possible to love your obese self but I do not. As RatPat pointed out a lot of the reason I do not love (actually hate) myself is due to emotional issues behind the eating. Thankfully I have found therapy and this is one of the big things we are working on. Like Karen, I am horrible at berating myself. I would never dream of talking to a friend like that but I have no problem talking to myself like that because I am not my own friend. And as I am losing weight, I find that loving my body is still hard. The more weight I lose the more extra skin I have. An interesting article on this very subject can be found at: http://www.dear-internet.com/2014/05/the-truth-behind-before-and-afters.html?spref=fb&m=1 My hope is that someday I will love myself regardless and be my own friend.

PatrickB_87

Hi Deanna,

Thanks for the article. It's something I definitely wonder about, but its something I'm trying not to let myself worry about. Maybe ignorance is bliss at this point. I've told myself if i get down to that weight, then I can be happy and celebrate I made it to that weight and the skin will simply have to be part of it, but I can imagine it taking a tole on me in time. No one wants those kind of reminders around, hurting you each day. Can't escape the damage that has been done. I don't know the total I have to lose yet as I don't know what my true starting weight is and I want to talk with a doctor about what my healthy weight will be, but i Imagine its in the 130-150 area. I've told myself that I would give it two years of maintaining to see what amount will tighten up before doing anything. But its certainly their in the back of my mind. Just can't let it control anything.

blondageh

I keep hearing how therapy has helped a lot of people. I have tried it 3 times and found all I Did was cry a lot and feel like I was paying someone to listen. Can I ask anyone who would be willing to share what is some good techniques your therapist has used to help you get past your issues?

IlluminatedMayhem

The only time I love my self is when I'm losing weight, pregnant and the first month after giving birth.

BodyByChipsAhoy

The only time I love my self is when I'm losing weight, pregnant and the first month after giving birth.

Being pregnant, I think, was the one time that I wasnt self-conscious about my weight. It was so freeing...it was okay to have a big belly and it was okay to be ravenously hungry!

mikesgirl4evr

You're welcome RatPat and I agree you just can't obsess about it. It was something I didn't worry about until I had lost 200 pounds. I guess I just thought the fat would go away but the skin would be tight.. I don't know. But it's there now and since plastic surgery isn't even an option (unless I win the lottery or find a sugardaddy), then I just have to learn to live with it and accept it as a part of my life.

blondageh, I personally have only been in therapy for about 5 months so I still have a way to go. Actually when I started therapy it was for something completely different. Back in October of 2013, I was robbed by knife point walking home with my groceries from the store that is about 1/2 mile from my house. Because of the emotional toll that the robbery took on me (I wouldn't leave my house for weeks), I was eligible to get free therapy through the Crime Victims Advocacy Center. While working on the robbery issues, the sexual abuse came out and the accompanying weight issues. So we discuss it all. Sometimes it feels like I'm talking and all she is doing is listening. But she helps me think through issues by guiding the discussion. She also gives me what I refer to as homework -something to work on or think about through the week. I wish I could cry like you say you do. That's one of the things we talk about - with the exception of anger I really feel no emotions. We have concluded it is probably a result of the abuse and I am taking steps to get past that. I really wish I could give you specifics but I really don't know how to put what we do into words. I do know from the many people I have talked with that I am extremely lucky to find a therapist that I click with on the first attempt. Most people go through 4 or more therapists before they find the one. Unfortunately last week was my last week with that particular therapist as she is graduating this week and moving on. But my therapy will continue with her supervisor so I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we click as easily as Jessica and I did.

NorahCait

blondageh, I found CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) really helpful. I mostly focused on anxiety and avoidant behaviors, but I think it could be useful for a lot of things. It helps you identify patterns of thinking and behavior and eventually, get to a point where you can recognize yourself heading down a path and stop before it becomes a problem. It's been very helpful for negative self talk, too. If you're interested in it, there are some good workbooks that you can do on your own if you want to try that before looking for a therapist. I can recommend one, if you'd like.

KarenZen

I found a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. We do CBT as well but always come back to my major problem--the eating disorder, its causes, complications, and cures. This has been the best gift I have given myself ever! I only wish I had gone sooner.