Why Do I Hate My Body?

KarenZen

Hey gang, I read something Heather posted about seeing a video of herself this weekend and how disgusted she was by how she looked. I had a similar experience when I was videotaped on the swim harness in my bathing suit a few months ago. I always thought I looked so sleek and athletic when I was swimming, and instead I looked like a huge person swimming. I was disgusted!!! Heather called it "reverse body dismorphia," or thinking she looks thinner than she does so photos are a shocker. I feel the same way... I never think I look as big as I am, and I am startled by pictures and seeing myself in the mirror.

The worst part of this, I think, is the hatred and self-loathing that follows. I saw that video of myself and immediately thought, "Oh my god... you're disgusting!!! Look it all that fat! It's horrifying!!!"

How many of you have done/are doing the same thing? And WHY do we do this? Who says these fat bodies, these stretch marks, these jiggly arms and thighs are "disgusting"? In some cultures, fat is considered beautiful. I'm not saying that I want to stay fat--I really want to get to a healthy weight--but can we all get there with a little more self love and self kindness?

After my video overreaction, I showed the video to my shrink and she made me really look at it and see the beauty in my body. She said I looked strong, lush, and youthful, like the women in paintings by Renoir, Rubens, or Degas. Then she asked me to do an exercise in identifying what I love about my body rather than what I hate about it.

I keep coming back to this question... If I can't love my body and myself now, when will I? I know I've been culturally brainwashed to think that size zero bodies with little perky boobs are the gold standard of beauty, but I am never going to get there... so does that mean I'm never going to be beautiful? Screw that. I'm going to be beautiful right now. And I'm going to start loving my body, with all of its flaws, right now!!!

BodyByChipsAhoy

Great post! I feel the exact same way--I am frequently shocked when seeing photos or videos of myself. I always look different in my mind.

I guess its all the messages we get in our culture that only thin is beautiful. Its been ingrained into us since we were little.

Not to mention that at the same time our culture is telling us fat is bad, we are also being told to eat fast food--the more and bigger, the better. And then, at the same time, the diet industry is booming. To me, its all a big conspiracy between the fast food giants and the diet industry. After all, they dont make money unless we fail.

NorahCait

I've been thinking about this sort of thing a lot for the past few months. In April, I was walking home with my fiance and we passed a girl in a crop top. She had a bit of a tummy. He said something like, "Most people really just shouldn't wear crop tops." This got me thinking -- I believed that for SO long! Why?!?!? Why is it that some bodies are more "acceptable" than others? Why is it that only certain bodies should be "allowed" to wear a certain type of clothes? What determines that a fat belly is any less appealing than a flat one? It's all culturally determined -- there is nothing INHERENTLY good or bad about a certain type of body. And if someone feels comfortable enough to wear short shorts and a crop top with pudge and stretch marks? AWESOME! They've managed to throw off the shackles of our messed up cultural standards of beauty and put themselves out there.

People will say things like, oh, it's unhealthy, so it is bad. But no one would give a rat's behind if a thin person were unhealthy and wearing short shorts and a crop top.

So my fiance and I talked about it, and he kind of came around. It might not look good to him, but it's no one's responsibility to be attractive to anyone else.

It's much easier for me to be like HECK YEAH she looks GREAT when I see a fat woman in a body con dress or shorts or something. I have a much harder time when it comes to myself. I do feel like I'm really starting to appreciate beauty in all sizes now, though. Wish it could translate to self love a little easier.

PatrickB_87

I avoid looking at myself, in the mirror, shiny objects. Particularly my face. I see it naked everyday, but i avoid looking at my full body with my head attached as I hate what I see.I know how big I am for the most part, but I allow myself to avoid the overall image so I can keep the sense that I am not as large as I know I am, or that I was not as large as i appear to other people. I was sitting in the movie theater yesterday and two rows ahead of me was an obese couple who were quite a bit larger then me and I felt disgusted. It was an emotional reaction and I wasn't disgusted at them, I saw them as a reflection of me.

I haven't even taken a before picture because I just can't do it.

I understand that I should love myself and my body now as it wont be any easier when I'm at my ideal weight, every success story seems to demonstrate that even after loosing all the weight people found it hard to be happy or satisfied with themselves. But i'm just not happy with myself. Every time I look at my whole body i can only see what I have done to myself, and its not a nice thing. Being large can be beautiful, but my largeness was born out of excess and little self respect. It was from eating large volumes of cheap calorie food. It served no purpose other then to feed my gluttony (probably the wrong word), feed my self abuse and feelings of inadequacy.

I can't really love my body right now. I can love what I am doing for it, and the path that I am on.

KarenZen

Thanks for responding to this, ladies! Norah, I'm impressed that you and your fiance had such a good conversation about the issue. Men don't seem to be subjected to the same amount of criticism and censure over their bodies, so I wonder how difficult it is for them to understand how demoralizing it can be.

Years ago, I spent some time in Portugal at the seacoast, and all the women were in bikinis or topless, short, tall, skinny, fat, young, old, stretchmarks , scars, all showing. No one was judging them and making noises about covering up their" imperfect" bodies. Everyone was just comfortable and enjoying the sun and sea. It's like the Facebook meme I saw the other day... "How do you get a bikini body? Put on a bikini." Hahaha... that simple!

All last summer I wore long pants and maxi dresses because I was so embarrassed by my fat, swollen legs. I was sweaty and uncomfortable. Know what? I'm going to moisturize and shave those babies and let them out in the sun and air. Time to change the world.

blondageh

I think the hardest part for me was the difference between what I see in the mirror and what was on the video. Granted, I too avoid full length windows and mirrors. I hate having my hair done because I am forced to look at myself in a different mirror for up to 4 hours. Even my face looks different in hair dressers mirrors. Its the real me, not the image I have of me in my head. For some reason my mirror at home only shows me what in want to see. That is so very strong psychological blockage going on right there. I always figured NO ONE is THAT good at hiding 300lbs. Now I know I'm not hiding anything. Its there, I'm just not seeing it.

I do not look at other heavy people and get disgusted at all. I see a heavy person in a pair of shorts or a swimsuit and I envy them for their self acceptance. I bought and wore my first pair of shorts this weekend in years and then I saw that video and feel like I took 50 steps back.

KarenZen

I avoid looking at myself, in the mirror, shiny objects. Particularly my face. I see it naked everyday, but i avoid looking at my full body with my head attached as I hate what I see.I know how big I am for the most part, but I allow myself to avoid the overall image so I can keep the sense that I am not as large as I know I am, or that I was not as large as i appear to other people. I was sitting in the movie theater yesterday and two rows ahead of me was an obese couple who were quite a bit larger then me and I felt disgusted. It was an emotional reaction and I wasn't disgusted at them, I saw them as a reflection of me.

I haven't even taken a before picture because I just can't do it.

I understand that I should love myself and my body now as it wont be any easier when I'm at my ideal weight, every success story seems to demonstrate that even after loosing all the weight people found it hard to be happy or satisfied with themselves. But i'm just not happy with myself. Every time I look at my whole body i can only see what I have done to myself, and its not a nice thing. Being large can be beautiful, but my largeness was born out of excess and little self respect. It was from eating large volumes of cheap calorie food. It served no purpose other then to feed my gluttony (probably the wrong word), feed my self abuse and feelings of inadequacy.

I can't really love my body right now. I can love what I am doing for it, and the path that I am on.

Rat... what if I suggested you did the best you could with the tools you had? From other things you've posted, I'm guessing the food filled a lonely place in you, one that wasn't getting the unconditional love and acceptance that parents are supposed to give their children. That's not gluttony--it's self- medication. It's filling a void.

sherambler

I guess I hated my body for so long because I was told to hate my body. I grew up in a house where my mother was constantly dieting but never really learning about nutrition. It seemed like the most important thing was to be thin. My brother and sister called me "tubby". Boys would flirt and hang around and want to be my friend but would never date me or really want to be seen in public with me for fear of someone mistaking them as my boyfriend. I was constantly snickered at, made the butt of a joke, [insert other cliches here]. For so long I would try convincing my boyfriend to break up with me because I felt bad for him, felt bad that he had to be seen with me. I was in a seriously dark place for a long time.

And then there was also what my body represented to me--weakness, stupidity, laziness, no control. Thin represented all the opposite, good feelings like: success, control, will power, love, popularity. My weight seemed to be my defining characteristic for so long. People wouldn't talk about how smart I was, they'd talk about how big I'd gotten. They wouldn't talk about the good or healthy choices I made that day, only the bad ones. Because of all this, my day-to-day success (or not) with my weight loss directly corresponds with other activities in my day. If I don't eat well then I'm less likely to study, etc. I was convinced that if I wasn't thin then I wouldn't succeed. Of course I now realize that this is total BS, just an excuse to keep me fat because I was afraid of failing at weight loss if I really gave it an honest effort.

I don't know when all of this started to change, certainly since therapy, but it's been so gradual of a change that I hardly notice until I catch myself in a thought and I think, "Wait a minute, I don't say things like that to myself anymore." I think it was also coming to terms with the fact that I have an eating disorder and beginning to recognize thoughts that are mine and thoughts that stem from having an eating disorder and actively working to challenge those invalidating thoughts.

And then I see pictures....there aren't many of them floating around, I made sure of that, but the ones that exist seem to just chronicle a life silently spilling out of control. Each year getting bigger and bigger. A reminder of the promises that I made to myself only to break them days later and end up 20 lbs heavier by the end of the year. When I see pictures of myself, I don't really see the physical weight, so much as the emotional weight hiding behind it.

KarenZen

Oh, Sherambler, I'm right there with you! I'm so glad you and Patrick are addressing these issues now, while you're young, instead of waiting until you're 50 like me.

Today in my therapy session (I also see an eating disorder shrink..... LOVE HER!!!!), we talked about the loving my body issue, and she had me do a gratitude list, what parts of my body I am grateful for , especially to thank itl for helping me lose 30 pounds and get healthier . Of course b in the middle of all this I wind up balling my eyes out and confessing that I am freaking out because I think if I eat one wrong thing, that 30 pounds will come right back. I don't know what a "safe" number is... 40? 50? When will I feel like my body is actually changing and getting better?

The other issue we discussed... over the weekend, a high school friend posted some photos from a high school trip, and there I was in all my 17-year-old fat glory. And you know what? I was beautiful! Sure--obese (probably 250) but. Smiling with sparkly eyes and obvious good humor. Back then I thought I was hideous and unworthy of love. So many wasted years!!

My shrink asked me to try to see myself now through kinder eyes, to take a bunch of Selfies and find my beauty, to paint a self portrait, to celebrate the beauty of my strong, resilient body. Today I love my strong legs for getting me in and out of the pool and my strong arms for swimming laps for an hour.

PatrickB_87

I certainly get unconditional love and support from my parents. They have also been through this journey and have been nothing but emotionally, finically and physically supportive. I do however eat to fill my loneliness, or did. Not because they neglected me but because of my general isolation. Theirs the loneliness, isolation, the leftovers of a past depression, the sense of unworthiness, the lack of self-esteem, the sense of instability in what the future will be. I could go on but thats where my eating comes from. I was certainly filling a void, it's just that the love of my family wasn't enough.

But no more, I may hate my body now but I own it and I take responsibility for it. I will lug all 300lbs of it around till little by little it falls off. I will probably be happy with myself one day but I need to do it one day at a time. I certainly don't need to be thin to be happy but its all part of the same process i'm going through.

KarenZen

Rat, I am honored to share this journey with you. You are a constant source of inspiration!

blondageh

My shrink asked me to try to see myself now through kinder eyes, to take a bunch of Selfies and find my beauty,

HA! I LOVE that your shrink told you to do this!!! I am constantly getting made fun of by my friends because I take so many "selfies". Even at the BBQ yesterday, they were making fun of me. I took one immediately after I saw the video last night to see if what I see is the same as in that video (when I have control of the camera) and I posted it today. My friend that was at the BBQ last night said "have you met your quota for today yet?" after he saw it. Meaning my quota for my selfies.

Now I have a legit reason besides vanity to back up my reasoning! Honestly, I didn't post 1 over the last 6 months when I gained 60lbs. I am pretty sure no one noticed that. I have posted probably 5 or 6 since then and I get all hell for it. This was the picture I took immediately after seeing the video. I had sad eyes because I was pretty devastated.



I say we all take a chance to play with our phones, webcams, whatever, find our best features, use those filters and post a picture of what you love. Today, I will say, it is my eyes, even though they were sad last night, I can appreciate them today. My cheeks may get big and hide them, but make up does wonders to open them up! ♥

blondageh

I guess I hated my body for so long because I was told to hate my body. I grew up in a house where my mother was constantly dieting but never really learning about nutrition. It seemed like the most important thing was to be thin.

Holla... Ugh. I hear you. Even if it truly wasn't their intentions or THE most important thing, I honestly felt like this was too. Still feels this way. I am at the point in my life where I just feel bad if she still feels this way. I hope she doesn't. I would like to think she doesn't but as I mentioned before, when she was down visiting last time, it seems like all she could talk about was how fat/thin so and so was. Sad, it's just so sad.

blondageh

I certainly get unconditional love and support from my parents. They have also been through this journey and have been nothing but emotionally, finically and physically supportive. I do however eat to fill my loneliness, or did. Not because they neglected me but because of my general isolation. Theirs the loneliness, isolation, the leftovers of a past depression, the sense of unworthiness, the lack of self-esteem, the sense of instability in what the future will be. I could go on but thats where my eating comes from. I was certainly filling a void, it's just that the love of my family wasn't enough.

But no more, I may hate my body now but I own it and I take responsibility for it. I will lug all 300lbs of it around till little by little it falls off. I will probably be happy with myself one day but I need to do it one day at a time. I certainly don't need to be thin to be happy but its all part of the same process i'm going through.

Dude, you got this! Having a supportive family behind you just means your chances at success are bound to skyrocket! I have a feeling once you put your mind to something, there is going to be no stopping you.

PS, sorry for the multi-out-of-order posts, catching up out of order for the day. And that is all, I will no longer apologize for my out of orderliness and lack of posting etiquette. If y'all haven't realized yet that I am a little 'off", well, that is your fault for being not as quick on the ball as you should be. :bigsmile:

KarenZen

My shrink asked me to try to see myself now through kinder eyes, to take a bunch of Selfies and find my beauty,

HA! I LOVE that your shrink told you to do this!!! I am constantly getting made fun of by my friends because I take so many "selfies". Even at the BBQ yesterday, they were making fun of me. I took one immediately after I saw the video last night to see if what I see is the same as in that video (when I have control of the camera) and I posted it today. My friend that was at the BBQ last night said "have you met your quota for today yet?" after he saw it. Meaning my quota for my selfies.

Now I have a legit reason besides vanity to back up my reasoning! Honestly, I didn't post 1 over the last 6 months when I gained 60lbs. I am pretty sure no one noticed that. I have posted probably 5 or 6 since then and I get all hell for it. This was the picture I took immediately after seeing the video. I had sad eyes because I was pretty devastated.



I say we all take a chance to play with our phones, webcams, whatever, find our best features, use those filters and post a picture of what you love. Today, I will say, it is my eyes, even though they were sad last night, I can appreciate them today. My cheeks may get big and hide them, but make up does wonders to open them up! ♥

KarenZen

Holy crap, Heather, you are absolutely STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL.

blondageh

Holy crap, Heather, you are absolutely STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL.

Thank you. And I would simply like to end with that but....anyone can be these days with camera phones and fiters. Lol. There is a whole MTV show called Catfish based on how people put up either fake profiles or only good pictures of themselves to get trap others into relationships on the internet. I am so hooked on it. The show that is. But last night I needed a boost so I will take the complement now will knowing I fully disclosed my tricks of the trade. The camera 360 app has a filter called magic skin and it makes you glow. Lol. In real life I am actually really tan right now. Ha!

KarenZen

I am so hooked on Catfish!!!! And I have a little crush on Neve.

blondageh

Oh I so have a crush on the other one! I love guys who go grey premature. That is how I met my husband! He was complaining about getting grey hairs online. He has a few, but he is no way like I thought he would be. Lol.

sherambler

Ahh!! Catfish. I love Catfish. I shouldn't though, because one of my best friends got catfished, so I watch it in secret.

KarenZen

Warning! Warning! If your true love won't Skype with you or meet you after 3 years, he might be a catfish!

I do wish that more of these would end happily because online romance is awesome, but I think the relationship can't really start until you meet in person.

Did you guys see the special with the reenactments? The one where the woman convinced the guy the "soul" of his online love was now inhabiting her body???? FREAKY.

blondageh

I haven't seen that! I have only seen a handful because our tv is rarely on anything but Disney Jr around here. The last one I saw was where the cousin catfished her own cousin for years because he called her a fat Kelly rice or something like that. It was so terrible and sad. I do notice on the handful that I have watched it seems to be heavy girls doing it. Big girls need lovin' too! However, they really need to find someone who will love them for who they are now. Fat and all. My husband does. Does he want me thin? Hell yes he does, but he doesn't ever say anything about it.

tishtash77

I don't watch that stuff. I met my husband online in a game. We were friends that flirted for 4 months or so and then became involved for 6 months. I was having problems with teaching, it was very stressful so had already decided to leave and either teach elsewhere or go supply or something. So for the summer holidays I flew to Canada to meet him but we had discussed the possibility of me staying. 3 months living together and he proposed. Well I say proposed, he said, 'Shall we do it then?' perched on the arm of the couch while I was sat in a chair nearby. I will never let him forget how crappy that proposal was, it is awesome in its lack of romance lol. But here we are 6 and a half years married, a 5 year old son. I miss the online romance side of it sometimes, it is easier to be romantic and sappy, he made me feel very special. i was scared for him to see what I looked like but we skyped and sent pics before it even got serious while we were at the friend stage. He said I was beautiful and for the first time I believed it. He used to have this little sappy phrase he'd randomly type to me or say to me on Skype, 'You are beautiful, I love you, and I am very very happy I met you'. Now he says the same but ends it with very very happy you are here with me. Apart from how we met it is the same as any other relationship, ups and downs and all that. I just find some people are automatically very judgy based on how we met. His parents were very confused by it lol. My mum was awesome. Supported it all the way.

KarenZen

Tish, my hubby and I met online too, in a Maine chat room. He was local, so we met for coffee after only chatting a few times, but we talked online quite often. Sixteen years later, it's still working.

You are one brave woman to travel from the UK to Canada for romance. Wow!

blondageh

We met online too! It was on a band's website. He was in Texas, me in Wa State. Actually, tomorrow it will be 7 years that we first chatted when he posted that topic about grey hair. Lol. So from May until August we chatted and he flew up to meet me. I moved down to Texas that next February after several visits down here. Our proposal was very similar. We were just driving and I don't even know how it came up, just so, let's get married then. I said ok, I guess we are engaged. No ring. Never did get one or a wedding. Just said our vows in front of a friend of his who is a minister. I didn't want anyone there if I wasn't going to have a wedding.