They really have NO idea

julieworley376

Maybe it's because I am obese that it seems so obvious to me that a woman that weighs so much is going to have physical issues because of it. I was asked to sign up for the employee summer challenge, it's a walking and water challenge where you have to log so many miles over the weeks. I told two of my colleagues that I don't want to do it because last week those three walks had me in so much pain. They didn't get it. They wanted to know why. I told them my body simply can't handle me at this weight. It can't. The arthritis is kicking my butt, sometimes it feels like the sheer effort to heft all this weight around is too much. I honestly think if I weighed much more than I do now I wouldn't be able to move at all.

Have you had this experience with people just having no clue how it feels to be you? How it feels to try to move around let alone ramp up fitness activity?

Is it because they see all this working out on the Biggest Loser and it's beyond them how simply walking could be too much for some?

Your thoughts and comments please...

andysdream

I have had similar experiences. I feel bad enough that I can not walk for hours around an amusement park . But then I feel 100 times worse when friends do not understand. Especially when they act as if I'm ruining their fun. I get so anxious whenever I'm invited to go somewhere, because I'm afraid that I will just run out of energy. It just makes me want to stay home.

KnitOrMiss

The bigger aspect I encounter is with other overweight folks who don't struggle with unreasonable cravings. When my body gets to the point I'm obsessing over chocolate, a different sweet treat, or a specific salty treat, no matter what I do to distract from that choice, inevitably I binge on ridiculous amounts of other food trying to convince myself I don't want it, destroying my current mentality, rather than just have a small portion of what it is I'm dying for. The more I try to trick my mind, the more determined my craving latches on. And for people like my fiance who don't really have a sweet tooth, or have willpower of steel whenever they choose to employ it, he just can't fathom the irrational obsession I have with certain foods. He is a smoker who is 85% transitioned to vaping, but whenever I try to explain that sugar addiction is, for me, similar to cigarettes for him, he laughs it off like I'm an idiot. He says there is no possible way that they correlate. I tried explaining that with food, particularly sweets, I can't avoid food when I'm feeling weak. I have to eat, regardless. Most days I can be pretty good about it, but sometimes it is overwhelming.... This is the hardest thing I deal with....

Oh, that, and those annoying medical professionals or well-meaning friends who are likely in the barely overweight category telling me to, "Just do it." If this were a simple mental exercise, where all I had to do was bully myself into behavior, wouldn't I have done so by now? Having one more person or ten more people telling me to "just do" something makes me want to scream in frustration. I do sometimes which I could have that gumption, wherewithal, or whatever you call it (determination?) to just do something because I choose to, but usually, I have to somewhat coerce myself or trick myself to do the things I really, really hate doing. I am getting somewhat better about this one, but why in the world do I have to bully myself to do the things that are good for me? (There's a whole mental discussion there...)

Oh, and to top it off, nearly every time I force myself into more physical activity that I should, I nearly always end up with an injury. So if I don't walk, I feel terrible, but if I push myself, I get hurt. Where is the win?

fallenrozes18

I have had similar experiences too. What gets me is when a skinny minny squeezes through a tiny space and expects me to follow... and worse watches me struggle when I have trouble.

blondageh

Yes. Years ago, I went on a trip with some girls from work to a baseball game in Seattle. We ended up parking I swear, at least a mile away from the stadium and had to walk. I was not even at my heaviest, but the lack of any form of movement had taken it's toll. I was working graveyards and that is all I did, was sit on my butt, go home and sleep a few hours a day and go back to work. I did not leave the house otherwise. So, walking even a little bit, like a grocery store trip, would kill my back and my legs. My legs would cramp up so bad I would almost collapse. The girls I was with didn't understand at all. Especially this one. She kept telling me in a not very understanding or nice way at all that I needed to lose weight NOW, that I can barely walk or breathe. (Gee, thanks, that really helps, like RIGHT now at THIS moment, that is making things SO much better). They didn't even offer to go get the car or anything after the game knowing how hard it was for me.

Unfortunately, I got stuck taking multiple trips with her later on (business trips) and it was the same old ****. We were no longer friends after that. I couldn't stand her judgments or harsh truths.

Once I started losing weight (usually about 40lbs) I start to feel so much better that I can move a bit more. I NEVER go balls out and start exercising like crazy. I just move more, do normal things like clean the house, shop for hours, you know, stuff normal people take for granted. One day, I just woke up and realized, hey, my back doesn't hurt, hey, my legs don't cramp up anymore. As soon as the weight started coming back on, those issues started coming back. That was a sign right then and there, I DON'T want those issues back, so that is when I tend to get my senses back and come back here.

My advice, and mind you, I don't have arthritis, but I would say focus on the weight first. Get the weight off first and they you will notice it is easier to move. Don't worry about what other people think or say. I know it is hard, and it hurts. It's not fair. It shouldn't be this hard.

cekennon

SO understand!!!!!!!!!! - I just cant do some of the excerise others can - but for me its the food more than the excerise. Just like I said in the other post for today - my daughter saying "well just dont eat it" or coworkers who say "well if you really wanted to lose weight you would" - really??? first for the food - I want to know if there were free $100 bills would you be tempted...I mean cant you just say no? - and what person wants to be obese with health problems -
Just like a drug addict - who as a little person thinks "gee when I grow up I want to be a drug addict" - I get very annyoed

shaynepoole

I started losing weight because of this - I had made a trip to NYC after working at home for 2 years with no movement or exercise... so we were out walking and I was having the most awful back pains for a while.
My friends were pretty understanding and got the car to pick me up, but I felt awful, like I ruined everyone's day

So that is when I came home and started working seriously on the weight loss...

As far as exercise goes, I really didn't do anything for the first couple of months until I was more comfortable with the food aspect. Even still, I don't really go balls to the wall...

debunny34

Totally relate to you all. My husband even doesn't really get how much pain I get in with my feet and ankles when I walk on them. They literally swell so bad that it feels like my skin is going to split open! When we went camping this past weekend I took my fitbit so that I could at least keep some sort of idea of how much walking I was doing. My "goal" for each day is 3000 steps, which for me is alot and there are some days I do not hit that even with a 20 minute walk thrown in. While there, I walked between 7-8000 steps daily and I felt every bit of it. I was constantly having to tell him to slow down because him and his son would walk way ahead and I could not keep up. By the time we got home Sunday afternoon I was in so much pain. I ended up having to wear an ace bandage for two days to get the swelling down and not almost bust in tears every time I got up to walk across the room, from the pain. He did not get how hard it was for me to just walk though. It breaks my heart because I see so many other people, even heavier than I am who are able to walk 1000's of steps everyday and when I try to it does this to me. I feel like I just can't win either, if I walk more, I am in pain, if I don't I gain more weight and I am in pain... :grumble:

julieworley376

When I say.. I am heavier than my body can handle that really is what I mean and what you show debunny. We are all individuals with our own limitations. Maybe there are people who weigh 400lbs who can move better or further than I can. Maybe there are those who weigh 250 who feel like I do right now. It might be due to arthritis or lymphatic issues or heart problems or any number of other things that mean your weight is just too much for you. Whatever it is we are on the road here to curing it.

blondageh

I just read this in my inbox. I get notes from "The Universe" It is kind of eerie too because I got tired of getting them everyday, so I added them to my spam senders and stopped getting them, however, every once in a while, one slips through and it seems to be only when I need to hear the message. Freeeaky.


"A great trick of every enlightened master, HEATHER, is being ever mindful that it's not what you do that brings about a miracle, but that you do it.

Doing something, almost anything, in the direction of your dreams, every day, is all I need to reach you, connect the dots, and drop a few jaws.

We takin' over,
The Universe"

KarenZen

What a good discussion! Doing too little or too much, for me, is the hardest balance to maintain. I am definitely an exercise fiend. I LOVE to move my muscles. But no, my body at this size, especially with Still's complications, is not having it. The pool at the Y is a good alternative but a pain to get to and from, and sometimes I overdo in there as well. One suggestion for leg swelling is to try some of the new types of compression stockings. They even make athletic versions now. I have mine made by Jobst because I don't fit into off the rack, and insurance covers some of the cost (get measured at a lymphedema clinic).

I think we can be good agents for social change as we continue this journey by explaining and showing to others our struggles, limitations, and achievements. The obese have been hiding for a long time... no wonder we're misunderstood.

PatrickB_87

I guess i should be truly counting my blessings as a young person. I haven't lived with this body so long that its completely damaged my joints, yet another motivating reason. It's still no fun but I am aware that I can certainly push myself further to do more. I hope you all can find ways to make small successes in your daily exercise, and from the May challenge I know many of you are. Slow and steady wins the race.

KarenZen

I've been thinking about this all morning, and thinking how true this is of many, many people, not just the obese. As someone with an "invisible disease," no one can see from how I look just how crappy I feel and how much pain I'm in from Still's. Having this disease as well as being morbidly obese, I've learned, I think, to be a lot more compassionate and empathetic. None of us really knows what's going on with strangers we pass on the street. We can't know whether they are crippled by arthritis, having trouble breathing, battling depression, grieving the loss of a loved one, suffering PTSD, so many "invisible" problems that make life and even simple, everyday activities a struggle.

I've lived a few times in very small, close-knit communities (once in a village on an island in the Aleutians) and the beauty of these societies is that I was surrounded by and quickly included in extended families and clans where everyone knows everyone's business and history. So when Nikolae went out to chop firewood for the winter, he always put up an extra cord for his Uncle Robert because Robert has bursitis that flares up when he chops wood. And when the boys came in from fishing, they always dropped off some crab or salmon to Auntie Martha (she was everyone's "auntie") who lost her husband in the Korean War.

I think it's sad how we live our lives among so many strangers here in our mobile and isolated American society. My neighborhood on our little lake is a little bit tight--we eat potluck dinner every month in the winter, so we get a chance to know each other and catch up, and we often help each other out, but even so it's nothing like what I saw among the Aleuts. That independence and individualism that we value so highly has a flipside--we lose our sense of connectedness to each other, and, I think, lose some of our empathy.

I'm with Rat, though, on pushing myself further even when I think I can't. I'd like to know how far i can go, even if it hurts for a few days. Yes, it's harder for me to walk, to swim, to aquasize, to climb stairs, but at least I have legs to do these things, and my legs will get stronger each time.

blondageh

Man, that so makes me want to leave everything and join a commune stat! That sounds like such a beautiful sense of community. Wouldn't work here, we are too selfish and spoiled, but how wonderful would that be?

karas_journey

I can completely identify and I too am not only 190 lbs overweight but I also have multiple sclerosis. Its so difficult to say 'no' I can't do that because you so don't want to say no, we want to participate and be part of group and social activities but it's not always up to us and has to be within our means. Unfortunately I used to spend a lot of time 'justifying' why and I'm done with that. I don't owe anyone an explanation, it's okay to say no and to not feel bad or guilty or worse about our situation. After reading through all the responses and the original post (which is such a great post, that I think sooo many of us can identify with) all I can say that no one should ever feel less than or awkward in who they are, we are enough as we are right now and if others can't understand than that's their issue not ours. However we all do what we can and mother nature will tell us when it's enough for the day I've really learned and accepted that it really doesn't matter if other people understand me, my weight, MS, what things are more challenging than others, I know, and that's alright with me I never thought I would feel this way ever but somehow I do and it's so empowering. Not totally sure how I got here but I did lmao maybe turning 40!

mikesgirl4evr

I can so relate to this. I had an instance come up just the other day. On Sunday, Michael ran out of the e-juice for his vapor cigarette. He has completely transferred over which I am very pleased about, especially since he has been going down on the nicotine level. Since the buses don't run on Sunday near my house, I told him I would walk up there and get it. I knew I would be pushing myself but I wanted to prove to myself I could do it. It's a little over 3 miles each way. After I got done at the vapor store I went next door to the QT to use their restroom and fill my water bottle back up (with water, lol.....though that damn sweet tea was very tempting). I get to talking with the older gentleman that was working and I told him that I better get started on the walk back home. The younger employee (who couldn't have been 18 and couldn't have weighed an ounce over 125) asked me how far I had to go. I told him that I lived about 1/2 a mile past the Walgreens. He looks at me and with a straight face says, "That's not that far. What about 3 miles? I've walked a lot farther than that before." I wanted to slap him but since I didn't feel like going to jail, I just rolled my eyes, shook my head and turned around to leave. What I really wanted to tell him was let me see you do it at 1 1/2 times your age with 2 of you on your back.....cause that's what it is for me. I'm almost 49 and weigh almost 300 pounds!! Rotten brat.

blondageh

You do not know how many times I have wished I had a fat suit for other to put on and see if they can keep up with me. Rotten brat is right. For a second there, I thought he was going to offer you a ride home. How awesome is it you walked 6 MILES!?

KarenZen

Last night at the gym, the swim lanes were all occupied, so I had to ask to share a lane with a guy who is training for the Peaks to Portland (2.4 mile swim race--a 2-3 hour ocean swim). Protocol is to ask the other swimmer, so I said, "mind if I swim on this side?" and he was a bit snippy. He said something like, "My mother taught me to share a long time ago, but I stay on my side of the lane." I think all he saw was fat and assumed I would be flailing all over the lane. I don't. I'm a neat, smooth swimmer. I don't splash and I stay on my side.

So Pfffft to him. Not only did I swim neatly, I also outpaced him. Screw him.

After we finished out laps, he looked at me with new eyes , shocked I think, and just mumbled" have a great night." Pfffft again. Bugger off, haters.

blondageh

Good for you Karen! Way to out pace him. I used to do laps last summer in our neighborhood pool and thought I was so kickass. Finally my husband asked me why I swim so funny. He said i flail my arms and look like I'm Damn near drowning. I tried to consciously do it his way nice and smooth after that, yeah, no, didn't work. Needless to say, I don't think anyone would want to share a lane with me.

fpelletier

Totally understand, it's the same to me as you know you're fat, you don't need anyone to tell you that!! Though I am overweight (quite a bit still) and have been for a very long time and have arthritis in my knees, I typically can keep up walking wise with friends, unless it's very cold out. Then my knees kill me and it slows me down and makes me want to pretty much stop, not because I am out of shape (though I am) but the pain is horrendous.

I also hate being around those who have really never been overweight in their life ever and yet complain they need to lose 20lbs or less. I understand that is their demon and I can't wait to be at the point where I just need to lose 20lbs or less, but it's hard to accept they can even feel the same as I do. I mean, what we would all give to just be 20 or less over what our ideal is, but logically I know that is hard on them mentally (not necessarily physically) but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow.

blondageh

I have a hard time even reading the regular forums where it state need to lose 20lbs. I am horrible.

julieworley376

You are not horrible. I think it is as hard for us to relate to someone who only has 10-20lbs to lose. Yes I have learned to be politically correct and sympathize but I honestly can't relate and just want to shake them and say FFS! LOL

At the same time I am sure they really can't relate to us at all and if they could stop being politically correct they would want to shake us and say how did you let yourself get here?

That's really the reason for a forum like this. I want everyone in this category to have a place it is totally safe to share their journey without clashing with those who simply can't understand.

KaelaLee88

I completely understand how you feel, how cruel to question you!

I tend to have the opposite problem where people underestimate me because of my size! I've had "Oh, well you probably can't conceive because you are so big" (- this one was on my last BIRTHDAY!!!) and "well, it's a 3 mile walk into town - you couldn't walk that if you tried!" - :-o

People can be prejudiced and judgemental and the sad thing is that so many people are so unhappy with their lives that they feel it is their right to "make an example" of someone who differs from them - because they were born so perfect, right?!

Kaela x