No support.....
Jram917
Posts: 2
I am thinking of having the surgery but sadly my husband doesn't support me. I am going to the information session alone on Thursday. He says he is concerned about the potential harm this will have on me, the post op financial pressures this surgery will have on our family.
I have so many questions but am sad I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I know two people who had the sleeve done and have done great! Other than the weight loss, how has the surgery changed your life for the negative if at all?
Thanks for your time to shed some light into this for me.
I have so many questions but am sad I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I know two people who had the sleeve done and have done great! Other than the weight loss, how has the surgery changed your life for the negative if at all?
Thanks for your time to shed some light into this for me.
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Replies
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Jram,
If he is worried about the effects, maybe you can approach him going to the session with you from that angle...then he will have all the facts and you both can talk about it after being informed. As far as negative side effects I am only a month out so there are probably more qualified people than me to discuss that. So far I really cant say I have had any besides some discomfort when I have ate too fast or drank to fast. Eating has become a chore rather than a fix so for me that is a very good thing.0 -
Maybe you could explain to your husband the harm being obese will have on you? That isn't even potential, that is pretty much a sure thing. As far as financial impact, I don't have really have any increased expenses except maybe buying new clothes, but that can be done very inexpensively if you are creative.
I am almost 8 months out from surgery and I cannot think of one negative thing about my experience. My life has changed for the better in many ways. My quality of life has improved, my health has improved, even my mood in general has improved. I wish I would have done this sooner, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.0 -
Try to help him understand that it isn't only the weight loss - It is the positive health benefits. For example: I was an insulin dependent diabetic and also took medication for other co-morbid diseases prior to surgery. Now, almost a year later, completely off of the diabetic medication. I only take vitamins and one prescription for cholesterol.
This surgery has changed my life! I have never felt better and my husband reaps the rewards. We exercise together, do gardening, etc. and I can keep up with him!
Wishing you the best! Show him all the positives and hope that he will be your number one supporter!0 -
Sometimes, partners feel threatened by our weight loss, too. Has he been supportive of your attempts at weight loss before? Often there are feelings of, "will she still love me when she loses weight". There are some very real cases of marriages that go south due to insecurities with this level of weight loss. "What happens when someone else sees her as attractive??" There is often a connection between the relationship health and our weight, anyway. ( I know that all my attempts to lose weight in a prior marriage went nowhere because, although he was supportive, the emotional connection wasn't there and that was what I was trying to fill with food, anyway.) All this can come out as "reasons why you shouldn't do this." Do encourage him to go to the session with you. At very least, if you do start down this road, the psychologist that you will meet with will help you with this and even talk with him, if he is willing. Hopefully, you've done some therapy work yourself to get to this point. We have to go into this with a healthy mind-frame and self-love!!
I guess he needs to re-evaluate whether he wants you for the "long haul" or would prefer to have medical bills later on in your relationship, because with morbid obesity come medications, surgeries, loss of work, etc.. not to mention, fat clothes are more expensive!! So if those are *truly* his reasons, it is food for thought (pardon the pun).0 -
No negatives for me.
I can only think of positive effects on my family. I am happier, more attractive, more energetic, more purposeful, physically stronger and have bigger and better goals.
I missed a week and a half of work (had PTO/Short Term Disability to cover it) and was back full time.
I now have the energy to work full-time, parent full-time and attend a full-time doctorate program. When I graduate in two years, we will be able to buy our dream horse property, travel more extensively, and still save for retirement.
I did attend several years of cognitive behavioral therapy during this process, and have found that I am in control of my eating, health, fitness, finances and self-esteem more than ever before. My house is clean, my body is strong, my bank account has money in it, my husband no longer treats me like *kitten*, I have a much better position at work, and my daughter is healthy and happy.
I will say that the negative for my husband is that I threw him out because he was immature, controlling and generally an a-hole. We separated for a year and he found it within himself to make some improvements as well. We have a better relationship now than at any time in the past 12 years.0 -
I will also add that while support is nice, it is not necessary. Most of the difficult things that you will face after surgery are personal and are things that others won't understand. You can find the strength within yourself to do this whether others agree with you or not.0
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Way to go, MyOwnSunshine!!!!!!!!!0
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I will also add that while support is nice, it is not necessary. Most of the difficult things that you will face after surgery are personal and are things that others won't understand. You can find the strength within yourself to do this whether others agree with you or not.
I agree with this 1000%!!0 -
Thank you all very much for your replies!
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Ok male perspective hear = all well and good to repeat the "you can do this on your own girl, no support is needed" advice but there is obviously more going here. Marriage is a partnership (22 years in for me) and in a successful marriage the partners figure out how to do major things like this together. There are very few details in your post other than "husband is not supporting me", too few to generate an opinion in any direction.
1) If he is concerned with financial pressure post-op then there is something concerning him now.
2) If he is concerned about potential harm post op then there is a past problem haunting him.
3) Are there children involved? If so - how old?
4) Have you been medically laid up before and is he concerned about that?
Quite honestly I would (and have) take this slow and address his concerns before telling him "you don't need his support" because if you want to stay happily married you will eventually need it. Sorry, not going to sugar coat it - spent enough days in the support groups to see "Red Flags" and who is successful and who fails. In 22 years I have seen enough marriages fail when one party decides they don't need the other's support (no gender bias). Marriage takes work and problem solving.
* Start attending support groups and invite him. If he won't go just keep going yourself and bring home the material.
* Take it slow to show him you are serious and this is not a fad.
* Start the medical check-up process and invite him to see the positives - see how this helps you as a family.
* Address the familiy finances now; develop a plan to show you are serious and can withstand any potential loss of work.
I took a year to work the process and my family was fully invested whch has significatly contributed to my success. If you go slow, invite him in at his own pace and he still is completely unwilling then you may need to consider that there may be other concerns.0 -
Initially my husband was not supportive either, he was afraid of complications. It's a major surgery and can be scary for the ones we love because they aren't as informed, they don't know first hand the struggles we have with obesity. I pretty much started the process on my own, without support from anyone. I got educated, I visited several forums related to VSG and found amazing support there. Eventually when I was informed enough about the surgery my husband and I sat down and had a long talk about the procedure and once he saw all the research I had put into it and it wasn't just about vanity he was on board and has been my number 1 supporter. A week before surgery he started dieting and using MFP as well, he's lost over 30lbs. This process has brought us a lot closer and I couldn't ask for a better support system.0
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Initially my mother was less than thrilled at the prospect of my having surgery. I took her to have a chat with my Bariatric Nurse Coordinator. After some education from someone besides me, and lots of tears, her fear was managed. She watched my dad kill himself with food, (literally, he died of Morbid Obesity at 54 when I was 12). She was finally able to come to a place where she understood that for me, the risks of doing nothing were greater than the risks of surgery. She was my post-op support person and is my greatest cheerleader today.0
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Just a quick note from me..... I'm saving a lot of money on food in spite of the fact that I'm buying better quality food and individually packaged proportions. I've found a plus-sized consignment store and having been taking clothes there to sell, but have been spending all that I'm saving on food and all that I'm making off consigning old clothes on new clothes
That's been a lot of fun for me. The financial side of the surgery and all the pre-op specialist appointments that were required really concerned me at first too, but with the medical flex-pay plan at work, I managed to get through it. Like others have said, take it slow. Focus on the journey as well as your destination. 0 -
I haven't had my surgery yet (this fall) but am in the process. If you need support, I will support you. I think your husband's concern is a good sign, in that he loves you and wants what is best for you. But, he has to understand that long-term obesity is a downhill slope and it only gets worse as you age. There are so many things that obesity causes, such as diabetes, hight BP, organ damage, increased risk of cancers, etc. Those possibilities should also concern him and they are not without financial complications also. I wish you the very best and if you want to friend me so I can cheer you on, please feel free!!0
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There are very few details in your post other than "husband is not supporting me", too few to generate an opinion in any direction.
1) If he is concerned with financial pressure post-op then there is something concerning him now.
2) If he is concerned about potential harm post op then there is a past problem haunting him.
3) Are there children involved? If so - how old?
4) Have you been medically laid up before and is he concerned about that?
I definitely agree with this. People on an internet forum know absolutely nothing about YOUR marriage, financial situation or state of health.
Paying out-of-pocket for this surgery may very well prove to be a great financial hardship for your family. I believe that WITH insurance, my co-pays amounted to more than $1000. That could be a financial hardship for many people.
Are you someone who bounces back from health problems quickly, or would you need a lot of time to recover? Will your recovery require him to take a lot of time off work? Complications do occur after surgery and there are sleevers on MFP who were extensively hospitalized post-op for leaks. This is not common, but it does happen and everyone who has surgery should be prepared.
Only you know how having surgery will affect you and your family. We can all tell you about our experiences, but your experience will not necessarily be the same. I would definitely encourage you to go to the pre-op informational session, and attend support group meetings prior to having surgery.
Ronnie is right -- marriages that are in trouble before surgery generally do not survive the process. If you are in a strong marriage and your husband has legitimate concerns, you should honestly and carefully address them before making a decision.
Although I am thrilled with the results of my surgery, and the ripple effect that it has had on the rest of my life, I don't know that it is the right choice for everyone else. Good luck on making the right choice for you and your family.0 -
I think that the idea of a loved one having major surgery would scare many people. The common notion that this major surgery is "elective" makes it an even bigger hurtle to jump. Education will be your biggest ally in gaining your husbands support. When I first posed the idea of having WLS to my boyfriend, he kind of brushed it off and said that we could try AGAIN to do it on our own. He was always supportive of me loosing weight and tried to encourage and support my weight loss endeavors. Since my past attempts hadn't worked, I started educating myself. I took him to the first pre-op appointment. My doctor spoke directly with him and specifically told him that I would need him if I was to be successful. When my boyfriend heard that, he was in. My doctor had him watch the same informational videos and suggested that he attend my nutrition appointments as well to keep me accountable and help me on my journey. Even at the hospital, the doctors and nurses spoke to both of us, together. We approached this as a team. He shared the entire process with me, the missteps and triumphs. I don't know for certain if I would have been the same, or more, or less successful had he not supported me. But I do know that I value his support immensely and that he shared in this journey with me.0
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I can honestly say that there has been not one negative thing come of the surgery. It has not been easy and I have been pretty much on my own but it is the best thing I have ever done for myself!0
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Initially, my daughter (age 39) was totally against it. I gave her access to a video produced which showed every single detail, possible side affects - both good and not so good and went through the whole process step-by-step from pre-surgery, surgery and post-surgery. She was better informed and got on board.
I just got back from her home out-of-state and she was so delighted at my weight loss, how much energy I had, I was more up to get up/out and do things, how great I looked and how dedicated I was to looking at and understanding labels and the importance of exercise. Every day I was there I worked out (swimming, walking 13,996 steps at zoo, weights, etc.). She also saw how committed and dedicated I am to ensuring my success by logging in on MFP every day and seeing the support/advice I receive from my MFP friends and that I also contribute to.
I would think this would be a hard/almost impossible task for someone to do all on their own with no support in the home. The support on MFP has been like a life-line to me as they have experienced it and have provided me with exceptional understanding, insight and advice and I would not be doing so well without them - but it doesn't take the place of support in the home or close family/friends. Luckily the people closest to me wondered why I hadn't done it 4 years ago. I was normal height and weight up until about 7 years ago when I went through a very dark time.
I waited until I knew I was committed to this lifestyle change and would be successful. I feel GREAT and I can see parts of myself coming back - both physically and mentally.
Good luck to you and hopefully your spouse will come around when provided with more in-depth information either from your surgeon or from a video like the one I had access to.
Karen0
