I don't want to be here anymore!

143tobe

I just got back from a 4 week vacation home, beautiful, sunny, southern California, and now that I am back in Germany I'm just having a horribly hard time. See, the thing is, before I moved to Germany, I hated Los Angeles. I didn't appreciate it for what it is. Now that I've lived in Germany I realize now how truly amazing L.A. really has been all along. I don't work here in Germany, I married for LOVE, which has now gone cold. It's not that I don't love my German husband anymore, but I am finding it very difficult to have any feelings of love for the man that I now see as my jailer. He refuses to move to the states because he has a stable job here, and if we moved to the states, things would of course be unstable and probably hard in the beginning.

So how do I cope in the short-term? I can dream, fantasize and plot all I want about how to get home once and for all, but since we have two kids, the reality is that I'm probably stuck here until they are both 18. So how do I cope right NOW? My heart feels like it's breaking every second of every day. I'm already on anti-depressants to help me cope with living here in the first place, but since I've been back I've been fighting back tears daily and I'm trying really hard not to just hate my husband. He is a good man, a really great father, but when I see him I just want to scratch his eyes out for making me stay here.

Trust me, I don't WANT to feel sorry for myself, but I need some help. I need to know, what is the best way to suck it up, and to NOT feel sorry for myself?

lugiagirl249

In my experience, I did move for love too. You and I gave up a whole lot (leaving the Bay Area) to come to the EU. I have felt home sick on and off since I got home from Easter. But, before I even got to Sweden, I knew at the time that moving there would be best for the both of us. If my fiance (unemployed and unfinished edu) came back to Cali with me, we'd be living at my parents place and he'd have no universal insurance, no job, and have to pay for school. With what money we thought? No money. In my perspective, CA is outsourcing physicists from India and China. I'd have no future in CA because I'd be competing with peers that would take "slavery" to get a green card into the promise land. I can't afford insurance now that I'm 25 in CA. I've been trying to be independent of my parents because they shouldn't have to pay for my school, room, and board. It's just not friggin' possible. I'm not good with juggling school and work back there. So, I weighed my decision. I remind my fiance when it's necessary. I gave up what was the Holy Land of what Sweden lacks completely, however, It was worth it. My future was worth it. My mom doesn't see it, because she was a immigrant to CA herself except against her will. She will always tell me "I told you so" every time I say I miss this or that, but, my financial situation and career depends that I live here (besides love of course). Maybe one day she'll understand that if CA was better for her future as told by my grandmother; Sweden is better for mine.

Aside from what I came to Sweden for, I have no common parental ground with you. We are childfree. But, I come from a very torn family; two generations of divorces on each side including my uncles on my father's side. I have my brother; and cousins who experienced divorce and my god, it affects them. Our parent's divorce still affects us. My fiance also comes from a divorce family. If you can't stay in Germany for you or your husband, stay in Germany for your kids. Do it for them. Your kids are your miracles. Raise them as best as you can. Give them a complete family and when that age comes, maybe they'll want to go home with you. If you have family in L.A, maybe foreign exchange in high school may be an option. Don't give up. Play with the hand that was given to you and make the best out of it during the time being. Do it for them. That's my advice.

Good luck. Stay safe.

-lg

143tobe

Thanks for replying LG. Divorce is the last thing that I want to do. I told my husband that even 16 years from now when my youngest son is 18, and I decide to move to the states, that I don't want a divorce, but I am leaving. He is more than welcome to come with me. I guess I just want a better life for me here. I made some huge mistakes with my schooling and never completed a degree. So I am completely unmarketable here. Even if I improved my German, what job could I possibly get here? I really want to further my education while here, but I have no idea how to get that done. I'm 37 for friggin sake. I know I would feel different if I was making my own money and was able to take a weekend travelling through Europe here and there, but as it is, I am stuck. Stuck in a land of cold people who never smile and always peer at me with suspicion. When I was back in California, it didn't matter what race the person was that I was standing before, or dealing with. They were all evenly friendly and kind. I don't know, maybe it's just where I can from, but I miss the kindness and politeness of strangers.

I know there is a solution to every problem. There has to be, right? I know my kids deserve the best, but with me being so unhappy, how can I even give them that? If someone could give me a plan, set out in front of me, of how I could complete a degree while living in Germany within the next few years, I would totally do it. That would give me something clear to strive for, but who can possibly make that plan for me when I am clueless how to find one myself? Does that make sense?

About your situation. I am so happy that you've found what works for you. We are in completely different places in our lives. If I had it to do all over again, I'd have done what you're doing now. I hate hindsight.

Thank you for your advice and perspective though. You are absolutely right that they are my miracles and I just want them to have a happy life. I want us all to.

lugiagirl249

I understand. It's not easy. I didn't finish my B.S degree in Physics when I moved. I am basically right now sitting on my *kitten* taking random course and self studying Swedish so I can get back to finishing my degree. I know it's my fault for leaving early, but I wouldn't of had it any other way. I didn't really want to go to S.F State. (I gave up intercollegiate sports for that. /rant) Anyway, I am also unmarketable because my Swedish is insufficient and the market is *kitten* backwards and they'd rather take able Swedes than foreigners (can't even get a job doin' dishes). The next best thing is education.

Are you a German citizen?
Yes? Fantastic. That also means you're an EU citizen.
What does this mean?
If you can apply for colleges in Germany, there are foreign exchange programs and English programs available to you. This also means that if you wish to relocate within the EU; say the U.K; you can do it with ease.

Try googling how the college system works in Germany. (use google translate if you have to!) Apply if you can and start taking classes ASAP if programs aren't available to you in English. If you have to, study you *kitten* of in German, because knowing the EU, I think you'll find a hell of a lot more programs to apply for than any UC, CSU, or CCC could EVER offer. With EU education, it means total fluidity on equivalence in qualifications. After you're done with edu, you can go anywhere easy within the 22 states. I don't know how Germany does their edu thing, but if you're lucky, education is free for German citizens.

I understand your frustration. I get similar reactions for speaking English in a small town. I hope living close to Stockholm will change that, but I'm not crossing my fingers for a naturally xenophobic country. I will take whatever I get while on my journey here. If my final destination is in Switzerland, then so damn be it.

I am going to do some research for you, cause I am interested in finding out as well. I will update this post with links to help you.

Edit:
Wikipedia has some info about applications and equivalent certs outside the German state. Look under "application for german universities."
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Education_in_Germany

I found the site responsible for applications within the German state. I believe it works the same way as the Swedish site works. You apply and then you have access to a list of course from universities all over the country. However, since you had edu in the U.S you have to get your transcripts sent over to the admissions offices here. Then, if you qualify, you can apply for courses, otherwise, you may have to test.
http://www.hochschulstart.de/index.php?id=3348&L=1
http://www.hochschulstart.de/fileadmin/downloads/DoSV/WiSe_14_2015/SfH_Flyer_en_Bew_WiSe2014_15.pdf

This German site is a directory for classes, programs and such. Use it to find what you want.
http://www.studienwahl.de/en/index.htm

I also found that students have access to financial aid. Maybe you can qualify.
http://www.bafoeg.bmbf.de/

143tobe

Wow, thanks for finding all of that. I've look into it tonight when the kids are in bed, but I am not a German citizen. Do you know if any of that applies to just a German permanent resident?

lugiagirl249

I'm not sure. I'll look into it.

lugiagirl249

You qualify under article 10 for having family members in Germany/EU territory.
http://www.hochschulstart.de/index.php?id=3490&L=1

Also available to you are "admissions free" courses.
http://www.hochschulstart.de/index.php?id=3607&L=1
regarding that statement, a link to this site has been given. I think it is easier to navigate.
http://www.hochschulkompass.de/en/

143tobe

Thank you SO much for finding all that info for me. We live 15 minutes from a University (that my husband works at) and in looking into what I would need to enroll, I realized that I would need to pass a test showing I'm proficient in German. Well...I'm not, but they offer an intensive one year course that would get me there. We're calling the campus tomorrow to see if I qualify for that class and if they have any open spots. Fingers crossed that they do and that I'm able to enroll in that program!! That would be a HUGE step in where I need to be going.

Hmm...just looked into the financial aid or government assistance. It looks like they have an age limit of 30. That sucks. They list a few exceptions, but it's totally confusing. Oh well...my fingers still crossed for the German course. That's just the first step. The rest I'll have the year to figure out.

lugiagirl249

Thank you SO much for finding all that info for me. We live 15 minutes from a University (that my husband works at) and in looking into what I would need to enroll, I realized that I would need to pass a test showing I'm proficient in German. Well...I'm not, but they offer an intensive one year course that would get me there. We're calling the campus tomorrow to see if I qualify for that class and if they have any open spots. Fingers crossed that they do and that I'm able to enroll in that program!! That would be a HUGE step in where I need to be going.

Hmm...just looked into the financial aid or government assistance. It looks like they have an age limit of 30. That sucks. They list a few exceptions, but it's totally confusing. Oh well...my fingers still crossed for the German course. That's just the first step. The rest I'll have the year to figure out.

It's unfortunate about the finances, but, I'm glad you're doin' something about it. I hope your husband helps you along with the admissions and help 'n stuff. I had to rely on my fiance too to figure out what was what.