Am I the only one scared to be more fertile?

KnitOrMiss

I know so many of you ladies are trying to conceive, and my heart goes out to you more than you will ever know. I struggled very much to get pregnant, only to miscarry at 5 weeks, and get pregnant again approximately 9 days later - a marvel of modern medical knowledge, as it "shouldn't" have been possible, but my body never did follow the rules. I was blessed with my incredible daughter, and then encountered the horribly broken and tortured experience of secondary infertility. I will not even try to make comparisons, as each hell is its own.

But now, fast forward almost 15 years. I'm 38 years old, divorced, in a committed relationship, and completely certain that I do not want any more children. In treating my PCOS, I am absolutely terrified of regaining my fertility. My current partner is ridiculously uber-fertile (he has fathered 6 children), and we do not want children together. Aside from the age risks, I have a number of other huge health risks, plus, we have both raised our children, enjoy seeing and spending time with our own kids and those of other people, but we have zero interest in bringing any more children into this arrangement.

As such, I'm wondering how much I might be holding myself back from healing these overwhelming health problems out of my fears. I know so many of you are on the flip side of the coin, and I support you all 1000%. However, I can't help feeling currently out in a field on my own on this one. So many people can't and won't understand my choices, but I am literally terrified to the depths of my soul over this.

Am I alone?

Dragonwolf

I certainly can't deny the fact that part of me is glad I don't have periods and would probably be considered "infertile" (nevermind the fact that I had two pregnancies, myself, and a 4 year old boy). There are those of us that don't want (any more) children, and that's okay.

PCOS doesn't have to be a choice between living with the syndrome in full force and being fertile/having kids (despite what so many OBs seem to think). I'm sure by now, you know my stance on hormonal birth control pills and treating PCOS (in case you haven't -- I'm vehemently against it for the vast majority of situations). That said, there are options for birth control for its intended purpose, without causing as much (if any) interference with your hormones.

Such options include:

- IUDs, such as the low-hormone Mirena, or hormone-free Paragard
- Non-surgical permanent sterilization, such as Essure
- Surgical permanent sterilization, such as tubal ligation
- Male sterilization (vasectomy)

(Usual disclaimer -- no option is without its own set of risks, make sure you do your homework about the risks of anything you're considering doing.)

I say find a reliable option that makes it highly unlikely that you'll get pregnant (if for no other reason than your own peace of mind), and let yourself heal.

miranda_mom

My husband and I have two children (ages 7 years and 6 months) and we are done with kids now. We are in the process of researching what sorts of permanent birth control we might want to use. I did not go back on the pill after my son was born because I discovered that it really seemed to be causing the majority of my migraines. I still get them but much less.
I did go back on Metformin (which is what helped me to get pregnant in the first place) because it really helps with my PCOS symptoms beyond the fertility. Sometimes it's frustrating to be "normal" though after not getting my period on my own for so long. Like right now I am in the week before my period and PMS is in full swing - cravings, headaches, bloating, fatigue, insomnia. And then when my period comes, it seems so heavy (but I'm thinking that's just because I'm comparing it to my "period" (really withdrawal bleed) on the pill, which was basically glorified spotting. I know if I go off the metformin, I'll probably lose my cycle again (it had been non-existent) but I don't want my PCOS symptoms to come back like they had been so for now, I guess I just have to be "normal".

BringingSherriBack

After my divorce, I had the Mirena IUD implanted. I hadn't decided for sure I didn't want any more children and it seemed like a good alternative for me since I cannot take BC pills due to a history of blood clots. So far so good with it.
My BF and I have discussed it and we don't want anymore children either. Our kids are 9 and 10 and at 40 and 45, we want to be able start planning for years after our kids are grown not start all over again with babies. So we are discussing permanent BC now. We have been together 1 1/2 years and are in a committed relationship and intend to stay that way, so it seems like the best for everyone.

KnitOrMiss

Unfortunately for me, most permanent or semi-permanent options are not available. I have pelvic organ prolapse, so there is no surgical option that would not leave me without having to having a bladder sling or pelvic mesh, etc., none of which are an option due to the fact that none are good surgical practice, I'm young enough that I would be looking at "update" surgeries every 10 years or less, and all of the above would dramatically impact my ability to enjoy intimacy with my partner. My partner is not willing to have a vasectomy due to familial habit of severe and painful complications.

Additionally, I don't believe for me that the birth control pills have negatively affected my hormones. Or if the have had negative effects, the positive results I have seen have far outweighed the negative ones. In fact, after taking them for a little over two years now, my hormones are all in normal ranges for the first time in more than a decade! I know that there are many side effects to taking them. I am on high blood pressure medication now almost exclusively because of the hormonal impact here. However, I don't have the crazy-wide mood swings I had before getting back onto the medication. I don't have to deal with cycles for the most part, as I am on continuous meds, unless stress pushes through (though this is getting less and less). And I'm at significantly less risk for unplanned pregnancy. So, for me, at this juncture in my life, they are a better option (I won't say best, because there is always the opportunity for improvement).

As a side note, I wasn't aware that insomnia was a PMS issue. I have difficulties sleeping anyway, and sometimes, seemingly randomly, it kicks up a notch. I bet this could be the cause, because I know even when my cycles are hormonally suppressed, I still have a "cycle" underlying everything, it is just pushed to the background. I'll have to do some research to see if I can uncover my underlying natural cycle...

Thanks so much for letting me know it isn't just me... I'm so happy for people who have more options than I do. Oh, and almost every single health issue I currently fight surfaced AFTER I started losing weight. It seems so unfair that the healthier I try to be, the worse my overall health gets. But, have started 3 new meds in the past two weeks, one two weeks ago, the other two this past weekend, so I am looking forward to continuing the improvements that have already begun.

Dragonwolf

To clarify -- I don't have much issue with hormonal birth control for the purposes it was intended -- birth control -- as long as it doesn't make your hormones worse. I take issue with using hormonal birth control to "treat PCOS," because it generally indicates a larger misunderstanding (or total lack of understanding) of how PCOS works, and the wrong birth controls are generally pushed onto women with PCOS, and that's very bad. IMO -- use birth control for what it was intended, and be informed enough to choose an option that at the very least doesn't interfere with your efforts to control the PCOS, and deal with the PCOS through other means. If you can take something like Yaz and it has the added benefit of helping the PCOS, then that's great. I just don't like the idea of relying on birth control for dealing with PCOS, just because it happens to sometimes work that way.

MysteriousMerlin

Condoms work great. Get the ones with spermicide. Avoid having relations during your most fertile times, keep track with an ovulation kit.

There's also the option for a vascectomy. Way less invasive, costs less, and healing time is super short.

cecarry1

I'm terrified about getting pregnant for a number of reasons, none of which are particularly relevant to this discussion thread. I've completely avoided taking Metformin because of the effects it can have on ovulation and fertility, even though it might help manage other symptoms. I'm on daily birth control pills, but I'm researching other options of birth control that can help regulate my hormones as well.

TwizzleBit

A part of me is glad to be infertile especially since my relationship isn't on firm ground, at the moment. I'd like to have normal biological processes, but I don't want child for the time being. I'm okay with feeling like that. Though I am scared of getting pregnant, but there's very little chance of that happening since there hasn't been any bedroom activity in quite some time.

fheppy

I think you could see a therapist as your fear is the biggest issue here as I see it and not the BC options.
I don't have a child (yet) and I have 2 main fears: one is fear of infertility, not being able to have a child, the second is the fear of fertility, just what you described. I never been healthy and fertile, don't know what it feels like, how/what will happen etc. which sounds stupid but yeah I have this fear myself.

miranda_mom

Re: the insomnia and PMS. I just learned this myself but it is definitely true for me. I am not a great sleeper on any night, but during PMS, I will up for like 2-4 hours sometimes (including two nights in a row a few days ago).
Re birth control: I do think that the pill was helpful for me in that my body was not trying to ovulate all those years and therefore I do not have many cysts. The more cysts you have, the more difficult it is for you to ovulate when you want to. The pill also keeps you from building a huge endometrial lining and then not shedding it - which is the exact thing that puts women with PCOS at a much higher risk for endometrial cancer. For these two reasons, if I had to do it all over again, I would, despite the migraines. I would say if you are looking to preserve future fertility and/or are concerned about endometrial cancer and not getting a period at all, these things make looking into the pill worthwhile. I always get concerned (and I know this is not the case for you) when women are like "I'm 23 and haven't gotten a period for five years and I'm okay with that because I don't want to get pregnant". My two questions for them would be Are you getting cysts? and Are you getting a huge build-up of the uterine lining? Because those are going to affect future fertility and/or health.

Elizabethgulick93

You're not the only one. As a 20 year old college student, I'm kind of hoping my PCOS works in my favor for those purposes. That being said, I probably will have completely different thoughts about that 5 years from now. If you really don't want a child, I suggest birth control or something similar. While infertility is common with PCOS, it's not unheard of. Have a great day!

KnitOrMiss

OMG, the cysts. Lucky for me, mine ruptured every time I ovulated... Not lucky. Once, the pain and such was so bad, I almost passed out. In the middle of my daughter's school field trip. When I was a parent sponsor. It scared the hell out of me. Then, my daughter started her hormonal cycles and totally blasted and reset mine. I worry a bit because her strong hormones lead me to believe she might have inherited my issues (how old does she need to be start testing for this stuff??). But, in most ways, it helped me. The cysts stopped completely. The moodiness subsided some. My cycles got more regular. I finally lost some weight.

Then my relationship status changed, and I got back on the pill. It has helped hormone levels balance, but messed with my blood pressure. At least the latter is more manageable than the former.

Thank you everyone, for making me feel less crazy... Yes, people neglecting their health because the side effects are more convenient than really life hurt my head... My sis has the endometriosis, but I never did. We apparently have different sides of things. I might mention this all to her (she's much lighter and healthier than I am, so she has less issues, and is now in the military...). Save her some steps if she ever decides to have kids.