Learning to grieve....not medicate with food
Mangopickle
Posts: 1,509 Member
This has been a tough task for me but I have to tell you it is worth it. Losing 2 immediate family members in 2 years (Military aviation crash and industrial accident) likely would have caused me to eat myself into an early grave if I had not finally chosen to open myself to the emotional pain of grief.
Here is some helpful info if you are medicating grief with food. It is from the Focus on the Family website.
Grieving: A Painful But Necessary Process
Though people are living longer, society hasn't (and will never) come up with a way to eliminate death. And where death exists, sadness tugs at our hearts. You probably wouldn't be reading this right now if you hadn't experienced some type of loss — the death of a loved one or pet, an injury, a dream that seems unattainable now or your parents' divorce. Losses come in all shapes and sizes. You may not be responsible for the loss at all, but it doesn't change the fact that you hurt.
In Matthew 5:4, Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Mourning doesn't just happen at funerals. It can happen whenever we face a loss no matter what it is. Some people don't mourn because it's too painful. We were initially created for a world without sadness, so we try our best to dodge it whenever possible. But mourning is a process that helps us deal with our sadness. It's healthy, even though it's difficult. If you're a guy, you may be feeling pressure from others to be strong and not let your emotions show. In reality, the hurt is still there whether you face it or not. When you choose to avoid it or bury it inside, it doesn't help. As painful as they may be, emotional wounds need to be exposed to Jesus Christ so He can heal them. He accepts us with our sadness, wants to comfort us and promises He will.
If we hide the pain, we'll pay a price, and if we bury the pain, it will often bury us. We might be consumed with resentment that surfaces when we least expect it. We might avoid others so we don't have to be reminded of our own losses. We might turn to alcohol, drugs or sex as a way to numb our pain. Or we might get angry because it feels safer than sadness. But we can be sure that if we don't face the loss, we won't experience lasting comfort.
There is a better way.
Grieving is invaluable, and it's a skill that can be used throughout your life in many situations. If you understand how to grieve now, you can avoid a lot of unnecessary heartache down the road.
Tasks of Grief
You may have heard someone say that grief has different stages and that we have to walk through each stage to "get past the pain." Talking about stages of grief can be helpful for understanding our reactions, as long as we don't view those stages too rigidly. They don't always follow a specific progression; grieving people don't say, "I'm in stage one now, and I'm just about ready to step into the next stage." Stages can blend. Sometimes you might skip back and forth between them. For that reason it may be more helpful to view them as four "grief tasks" to work through, rather than four consecutive stages:4
Task 1 — Accept the reality of the loss.
When you first hear about a loss, you may experience shock or denial. You might think, No! This couldn't have happened; it just doesn't make sense! It may take a few weeks for your mind to catch up with reality. Difficulty sleeping, a change in appetite or a strong desire to be with others may show up at this point in your life. In extreme cases, people may experience delusions as they wait for their loved one to return. This was how Queen Victoria responded after the death of Prince Albert. At times she spoke to him in the palace and had his clothes laid out ready to be worn. That may sound bizarre, but people often do similar things in more subtle ways. For instance, you might deny how much the loss hurts, saying, "I can always find another friend," or, "My parents were fighting a lot with each other; the divorce is probably for the best." Though these denials may temporarily deaden the pain, having a clear picture of what you've lost will help you move to the second task.
Task 2 — Work through to the pain of grief.
When the truth finally hits you, it's not as though you'll wake up from a dream and find everything back to normal. In fact, as time goes on, you'll become aware of how this loss will change your life forever. Not only are you likely to feel the deep sense of hurt, but there may be strong anger toward another person, yourself or even God. These emotions can be intensified on certain dates such as your brother's first birthday after his death, your parent's wedding anniversary after a divorce, or the anniversary of the loss itself. Recognizing and allowing yourself to feel the pain is an honest reaction that can eventually help you to heal.
Task 3 — Accept your world with the loss.
Once you've faced the despair, with time and God's help, you will increasingly be able to accept the loss and realize that life goes on. You may have had your identity wrapped up in the person or relationship that has been lost. Understanding that you still have an identity apart from what has been lost is necessary to move ahead. Acceptance isn't about trying to block the loss out of your mind. Instead, it's about realizing that the loss will change your world, and that you're still meant to have a whole and healthy life in this new and different world. You'll have the ability to focus on future living once you're able to say goodbye with your heart to the things or people you've lost.
Task 4 — Have a place for your memories, but move on with life.
In some ways this is a continuation of Task 3. Here you are able to take specific, concrete steps to go on with your life in this new world. Memories and sadness remain, but there's a new strength to move on. In this stage you may be able to look back at how you've grown from the entire ordeal, and you may even reach out to others who are hurting. In Joshua 1:2, God tells Joshua, "Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan River." Joshua already knew Moses was dead — that was obvious! But God was giving Joshua the opportunity to move forward with the plans God had for him. If we choose to stay stuck in grief and loss forever, we'll never know how God could have used us.
Here is some helpful info if you are medicating grief with food. It is from the Focus on the Family website.
Grieving: A Painful But Necessary Process
Though people are living longer, society hasn't (and will never) come up with a way to eliminate death. And where death exists, sadness tugs at our hearts. You probably wouldn't be reading this right now if you hadn't experienced some type of loss — the death of a loved one or pet, an injury, a dream that seems unattainable now or your parents' divorce. Losses come in all shapes and sizes. You may not be responsible for the loss at all, but it doesn't change the fact that you hurt.
In Matthew 5:4, Jesus said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Mourning doesn't just happen at funerals. It can happen whenever we face a loss no matter what it is. Some people don't mourn because it's too painful. We were initially created for a world without sadness, so we try our best to dodge it whenever possible. But mourning is a process that helps us deal with our sadness. It's healthy, even though it's difficult. If you're a guy, you may be feeling pressure from others to be strong and not let your emotions show. In reality, the hurt is still there whether you face it or not. When you choose to avoid it or bury it inside, it doesn't help. As painful as they may be, emotional wounds need to be exposed to Jesus Christ so He can heal them. He accepts us with our sadness, wants to comfort us and promises He will.
If we hide the pain, we'll pay a price, and if we bury the pain, it will often bury us. We might be consumed with resentment that surfaces when we least expect it. We might avoid others so we don't have to be reminded of our own losses. We might turn to alcohol, drugs or sex as a way to numb our pain. Or we might get angry because it feels safer than sadness. But we can be sure that if we don't face the loss, we won't experience lasting comfort.
There is a better way.
Grieving is invaluable, and it's a skill that can be used throughout your life in many situations. If you understand how to grieve now, you can avoid a lot of unnecessary heartache down the road.
Tasks of Grief
You may have heard someone say that grief has different stages and that we have to walk through each stage to "get past the pain." Talking about stages of grief can be helpful for understanding our reactions, as long as we don't view those stages too rigidly. They don't always follow a specific progression; grieving people don't say, "I'm in stage one now, and I'm just about ready to step into the next stage." Stages can blend. Sometimes you might skip back and forth between them. For that reason it may be more helpful to view them as four "grief tasks" to work through, rather than four consecutive stages:4
Task 1 — Accept the reality of the loss.
When you first hear about a loss, you may experience shock or denial. You might think, No! This couldn't have happened; it just doesn't make sense! It may take a few weeks for your mind to catch up with reality. Difficulty sleeping, a change in appetite or a strong desire to be with others may show up at this point in your life. In extreme cases, people may experience delusions as they wait for their loved one to return. This was how Queen Victoria responded after the death of Prince Albert. At times she spoke to him in the palace and had his clothes laid out ready to be worn. That may sound bizarre, but people often do similar things in more subtle ways. For instance, you might deny how much the loss hurts, saying, "I can always find another friend," or, "My parents were fighting a lot with each other; the divorce is probably for the best." Though these denials may temporarily deaden the pain, having a clear picture of what you've lost will help you move to the second task.
Task 2 — Work through to the pain of grief.
When the truth finally hits you, it's not as though you'll wake up from a dream and find everything back to normal. In fact, as time goes on, you'll become aware of how this loss will change your life forever. Not only are you likely to feel the deep sense of hurt, but there may be strong anger toward another person, yourself or even God. These emotions can be intensified on certain dates such as your brother's first birthday after his death, your parent's wedding anniversary after a divorce, or the anniversary of the loss itself. Recognizing and allowing yourself to feel the pain is an honest reaction that can eventually help you to heal.
Task 3 — Accept your world with the loss.
Once you've faced the despair, with time and God's help, you will increasingly be able to accept the loss and realize that life goes on. You may have had your identity wrapped up in the person or relationship that has been lost. Understanding that you still have an identity apart from what has been lost is necessary to move ahead. Acceptance isn't about trying to block the loss out of your mind. Instead, it's about realizing that the loss will change your world, and that you're still meant to have a whole and healthy life in this new and different world. You'll have the ability to focus on future living once you're able to say goodbye with your heart to the things or people you've lost.
Task 4 — Have a place for your memories, but move on with life.
In some ways this is a continuation of Task 3. Here you are able to take specific, concrete steps to go on with your life in this new world. Memories and sadness remain, but there's a new strength to move on. In this stage you may be able to look back at how you've grown from the entire ordeal, and you may even reach out to others who are hurting. In Joshua 1:2, God tells Joshua, "Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan River." Joshua already knew Moses was dead — that was obvious! But God was giving Joshua the opportunity to move forward with the plans God had for him. If we choose to stay stuck in grief and loss forever, we'll never know how God could have used us.
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Replies
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Powerful and useful stuff, Mango.
My prayers are with you in your time of sorrow. Take care of yourself.
Rob0 -
Mango: Thanks for sharing especially in your time of need. It speaks volumes about your character! I am going to copy and paste this article. We just observed our grandson's 5th year since he passed yesterday. He was killed intentionally by a drunk driver at the precious age of 17. You posting this has helped me, and obviously is helping you.
My heart goes out to you and your family. Hug each other and tell your loved one just how much that mean to you, we never know if we will have that opportunity later.
Sincerely, Tracy.0 -
This is a really good, valuable, useful post. Thank you. I am sorry you and your family are having to walk through such pain-prayers to cover you all.0
