Post Traumatic Stress (PTS/PTSD)
Thomasm198
Posts: 3,189 Member
A bit of a long story coming up about my own experiences with PTSD. (This will probably ramble a bit but forgive me for that. Even now, it can still be difficult to write about those bad times).
Background incident that caused my PTSD
10 years ago I was on motorcycle patrol. I received a call about three guys trying to steal a car. I responded to the call and to cut a long story short: a pursuit ensued. During the pursuit, the guy driving the stolen car reversed at me. I avoided him by driving up onto the footpath (pavement/sidewalk). He mounted the footpath and managed to hit me with the car.
I spent 6 weeks out of work nursing my injured leg. I went back to work on a Monday, and over the next few days the warnings signs were there. However, I didn't realise it at the time that the warning signs were there that something was wrong. While I was out on patrol I would close my eyes and look away every time I saw a car of the same make and model as the one that hit (not exactly a safe thing to do while driving).
On the Thursday going home from work at 11pm, I was suddenly gripped by an overwhelming feeling of terror. I started to cry uncontrollably. I started accelerating until my car was doing over 100mph. I drove the 20 miles to my home in a flood of tears at speeds over 100mph.
I phoned work the next morning and reported sick.
How it effected me
I ended up on anti-depressants (Prozac) for about 8 months, and attending sessions with a stress counsellor. But while I was out sick, I was a complete mess. I went through so many emotions and experiences.
I used to stay awake all night long playing computer games. At the time, I moved back into my parents house. I would be playing computer games when they were going to bed at 11pm or thereabouts, and I would still be sitting there playing computer games when they woke up at 9am the next morning. I was terrified to go to bed. Every time I closed my eyes I could see the car coming straight for me. I used to stay up until sheer exhaustion would cause me to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow (I sometimes went anything up to 36 hours without sleep).
I used to experience extreme mood swings from incredible highs, to extreme anger, to the deepest depths of despair. These mood swings would happen at any time, for no reason. One day my mother asked me if I wanted "whatever" for dinner. I screamed at her "I don't want that ****ing ****. I'm sick of that. Make me something else". (My family ended up suffering the effects of my mood swings just as much as I did. I know that I was a terrible son during these dark days and I can never do enough for my mother to make up for the hell I put her through).
Several times my brother's fiancée ended up sitting and hugging me for several minutes, trying to comfort me to try and get me to stop crying. At the time, she had only known me several months but that didn't stop her from trying to help me (I often say that has become more like the sister I never had).
I used to have very bad anxiety attacks. My anxiety attacks were so bad that I was even afraid to walk up to the cashier in a shop or in the bar to buy something. My brother used to get angry with me because we would be in the bar and when it came my turn to buy the drinks, I used to hand him the money and ask him to buy the drinks. He used to end up getting angry with me which used to start me crying, he didn't understand why I was so afraid walk up to the bar. It wasn't that he was being insensitive, he just never took the time to learn about mental health issues.
I used to have major problems with eating. My anxiety used to cause nausea. When I was in one of my bouts of anxiety even the smell of food used to make me feel nauseous. Foolishly, I used to force myself to try and eat. This only made things far worse. When I forced myself to eat, I ended up getting sick. I would eat maybe 3 or 4 forkfuls of food and then have to run to the bathroom.
The worst times though were the bouts of depression that I went through. On a regular basis, I used to curl my hand up to mimic the shape of a gun. I would place my index finger under my chin and start wishing that I had a real gun in my hand. Twice however, I stood in the kitchen with a knife pressed against my wrist. I was pressing down so hard on the knife, intending to carry out my intention to end everything. When I would finally take the knife away from my wrist there was a mark on my wrist from the knife pressing down on it.
Gradually, thanks to the sessions with the counsellor, the symptoms reduced.
However, I don't think I will ever be fully clear of PTSD. I can still have mood swings and bouts of anxiety. The difference now is that I have learned to channel my emotions. When I'm angry, I put on some very very aggressive metal (Slayer, Slipknot, etc) and allow myself to channel my anger through the songs. I often tell people that it may seem strange that such aggressive music is calming and almost like a sedative on me but what the heck, it works for me. The despair and depression is still there at times. What I do now though is write my thoughts down in a journal. A lot of times when writing these entries in the journal, I end up crying. But it helps me. It allows me to release the thoughts in my head and get rid of them.
I have learned to recognise the mood swings and do small little things that help me release the emotions.
And now that I have bored you all to tears with my story, you can understand why I am such an advocate of promoting mental health. Another reason I am such an advocate of promoting mental health is that one of my cousins didn't deal with his problems and three years ago put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger (but that is another tale to be told at a different date).
Background incident that caused my PTSD
10 years ago I was on motorcycle patrol. I received a call about three guys trying to steal a car. I responded to the call and to cut a long story short: a pursuit ensued. During the pursuit, the guy driving the stolen car reversed at me. I avoided him by driving up onto the footpath (pavement/sidewalk). He mounted the footpath and managed to hit me with the car.
I spent 6 weeks out of work nursing my injured leg. I went back to work on a Monday, and over the next few days the warnings signs were there. However, I didn't realise it at the time that the warning signs were there that something was wrong. While I was out on patrol I would close my eyes and look away every time I saw a car of the same make and model as the one that hit (not exactly a safe thing to do while driving).
On the Thursday going home from work at 11pm, I was suddenly gripped by an overwhelming feeling of terror. I started to cry uncontrollably. I started accelerating until my car was doing over 100mph. I drove the 20 miles to my home in a flood of tears at speeds over 100mph.
I phoned work the next morning and reported sick.
How it effected me
I ended up on anti-depressants (Prozac) for about 8 months, and attending sessions with a stress counsellor. But while I was out sick, I was a complete mess. I went through so many emotions and experiences.
I used to stay awake all night long playing computer games. At the time, I moved back into my parents house. I would be playing computer games when they were going to bed at 11pm or thereabouts, and I would still be sitting there playing computer games when they woke up at 9am the next morning. I was terrified to go to bed. Every time I closed my eyes I could see the car coming straight for me. I used to stay up until sheer exhaustion would cause me to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow (I sometimes went anything up to 36 hours without sleep).
I used to experience extreme mood swings from incredible highs, to extreme anger, to the deepest depths of despair. These mood swings would happen at any time, for no reason. One day my mother asked me if I wanted "whatever" for dinner. I screamed at her "I don't want that ****ing ****. I'm sick of that. Make me something else". (My family ended up suffering the effects of my mood swings just as much as I did. I know that I was a terrible son during these dark days and I can never do enough for my mother to make up for the hell I put her through).
Several times my brother's fiancée ended up sitting and hugging me for several minutes, trying to comfort me to try and get me to stop crying. At the time, she had only known me several months but that didn't stop her from trying to help me (I often say that has become more like the sister I never had).
I used to have very bad anxiety attacks. My anxiety attacks were so bad that I was even afraid to walk up to the cashier in a shop or in the bar to buy something. My brother used to get angry with me because we would be in the bar and when it came my turn to buy the drinks, I used to hand him the money and ask him to buy the drinks. He used to end up getting angry with me which used to start me crying, he didn't understand why I was so afraid walk up to the bar. It wasn't that he was being insensitive, he just never took the time to learn about mental health issues.
I used to have major problems with eating. My anxiety used to cause nausea. When I was in one of my bouts of anxiety even the smell of food used to make me feel nauseous. Foolishly, I used to force myself to try and eat. This only made things far worse. When I forced myself to eat, I ended up getting sick. I would eat maybe 3 or 4 forkfuls of food and then have to run to the bathroom.
The worst times though were the bouts of depression that I went through. On a regular basis, I used to curl my hand up to mimic the shape of a gun. I would place my index finger under my chin and start wishing that I had a real gun in my hand. Twice however, I stood in the kitchen with a knife pressed against my wrist. I was pressing down so hard on the knife, intending to carry out my intention to end everything. When I would finally take the knife away from my wrist there was a mark on my wrist from the knife pressing down on it.
Gradually, thanks to the sessions with the counsellor, the symptoms reduced.
However, I don't think I will ever be fully clear of PTSD. I can still have mood swings and bouts of anxiety. The difference now is that I have learned to channel my emotions. When I'm angry, I put on some very very aggressive metal (Slayer, Slipknot, etc) and allow myself to channel my anger through the songs. I often tell people that it may seem strange that such aggressive music is calming and almost like a sedative on me but what the heck, it works for me. The despair and depression is still there at times. What I do now though is write my thoughts down in a journal. A lot of times when writing these entries in the journal, I end up crying. But it helps me. It allows me to release the thoughts in my head and get rid of them.
I have learned to recognise the mood swings and do small little things that help me release the emotions.
And now that I have bored you all to tears with my story, you can understand why I am such an advocate of promoting mental health. Another reason I am such an advocate of promoting mental health is that one of my cousins didn't deal with his problems and three years ago put a gun to his head and pulled the trigger (but that is another tale to be told at a different date).
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Replies
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My sister had Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome - unfortunately the whole stress thing has triggered a whole lot of other problems such as Psoriatic Arthritis. There's not really a cure, just management for it. She has weekly blood tests and is on a drug called Sulfazalazine. She has pain in all her joints, psoriasis, bad patches of dry skin, patches of hair fell out too. And generally malaised.
What caused the PTSD...?
Well, one night my parents had gone out, us 5 (me and my brothers and sisters) were at home. Mum and Dad had gotten a rare opportunity to go out on a bike ride. Little bro and little (not the ill one) sister were fighting. Little bro got very upset and locked himself in the downstairs bathroom which had a frosted glass panel in the door. He was sobbing away with small bouts of rage bashing his fists on the wall. He then thumped the glass so hard it broke and his wrist went through severing it. I dealt with th initial first aid, he didnt realise what had really happened as was going in to shock. It was gory but I got it just about under control and called the ambulance. When the ambulance arrived, big sis took over and went with him to hospital. We'd been trying to contact my parents throughout but to no avail. So big sis dealt with the initial horrors - screaming in pain and realisation in X-ray and on physical examination.
The thing is...we didn't know 'til about 18 months later when she started getting very physically ill. She got pneumonia and her anxiety got worse and worse and she couldn't sleep. She couldn't look at the inside of anybody's wrists. On top of that other signs of stress and depression were emerging and eventually the doc got to the route of the cause. She had counselling and CBT and things did improve, but she is haunted by it.
But there is light at the end of the tunnel because she is MUCH better than she was and she can now talk about the incident. It seems minor but everyone's threshold for these things, especially gory stuff and loved ones in pain can be very different.
We are taught lots about PTSD in the military. On officer training it was drilled in to us and we had lessons on recognising it, actions to be taken etc and prevention. Obviously we're going to be regularly exposed to horrible things as in some other jobs so we need to know how to cope.0 -
@07794596928:
It is one thing the counsellor kept saying to me during my sessions with him; everybody reacts to things differently and what is a minor incident for one person can be very traumatic to another.
While I was out sick I heard some very ignorant comments being made about PTSD (examples: "that's not a real illness", "that's a very easy thing to fake, nobody can really prove whether you have it or not")0 -
Yeah...thankfully think that attitude is going out and a better attitude to it in. Its taken VERY seriously in the military but doesn't spell the end of your career. They've got some amazing teams for it. In fact, we had ANOTHER briefing on it 2 and a half weeks ago! Very interesting. They explain all the psychological and physiological effects. Explain full fight or flight process and its long term effect on health etc when repeated many times. And all the stressors that could happen. Good for a refresher. Great charities like combat stress around too helping make people aware...hopefully that will extend to a more generalised perception and exposure and not purely military related audience etc!
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My Dad had PTSD back in the eighties for about ten years. I was just a kid but he went in and out of the mental hospital a lot. Of course his was from Vietnam (Navy/Army 1969-1974) but still back then less was known about PTSD. One thing I am HUGE about, is if you have children and you have a mental disorder, especially something like PTSD, remember that kids get mental problems too. I did and it was ignored until my twenties when I did something about it myself. But my issues started around seven, around the time when I began noticing things about Dad that were different.0
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My Dad had PTSD back in the eighties for about ten years. I was just a kid but he went in and out of the mental hospital a lot. Of course his was from Vietnam (Navy/Army 1969-1974) but still back then less was known about PTSD. One thing I am HUGE about, is if you have children and you have a mental disorder, especially something like PTSD, remember that kids get mental problems too. I did and it was ignored until my twenties when I did something about it myself. But my issues started around seven, around the time when I began noticing things about Dad that were different.
mvilla2426: It was actually only as a result of the Vietnam War and it's impact on the military personnel that PTSD became recognised as being a genuine medical condition. Prior to that PTSD was just called "Battle Fatigue" and "Shell Shock" and at times was considered to be a sign of weakness and cowardliness. Prior to the 1980's, people who had PTSD never received proper help.
Welcome to the group. :flowerforyou:0 -
My Dad had PTSD back in the eighties for about ten years. I was just a kid but he went in and out of the mental hospital a lot. Of course his was from Vietnam (Navy/Army 1969-1974) but still back then less was known about PTSD. One thing I am HUGE about, is if you have children and you have a mental disorder, especially something like PTSD, remember that kids get mental problems too. I did and it was ignored until my twenties when I did something about it myself. But my issues started around seven, around the time when I began noticing things about Dad that were different.
mvilla2426: It was actually only as a result of the Vietnam War and it's impact on the military personnel that PTSD became recognised as being a genuine medical condition. Prior to that PTSD was just called "Battle Fatigue" and "Shell Shock" and at times was considered to be a sign of weakness and cowardliness. Prior to the 1980's, people who had PTSD never received proper help.
Welcome to the group. :flowerforyou:
My dad never thought there was anything wrong and didn't receive help for his PTSD. Or perhaps he was ashamed and that's why he didn't seek the help he so desparately needed. Poor guy, he did a lot of crappy things when I was a kid, but I still have empathy for him, he was my dad!
I haven't told my family about my recent diagnosis, just for the simple fact fact that my mom and sister tend to gossip among family members and I'm tired of being fodder for their amusement. It's a very dysfunctional family dynamic.
My fiance and my best friend (well besides some of my MFP friends) are aware of my diagnosis and work with my therapy.0 -
When I was recovering this quote gave me a lot of help to go back to the workplace where I was hurt and where I couldn't legitimately feel safe. I had it taped to my monitor, in my car between the gauges, and memorized. I pulled it out today to help a client and thought I'd share.
“You gain strength, courage and confidence
by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face.
You are able to say to yourself,
‘I have lived through this horror.
I can take the next thing that comes along.’
You must do the thing
you think you cannot do.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
In some ways we can be stronger after recovery from PTSD. And it certainly isn't a life sentence.0 -
I was diagnosed with PTSD from "unknown trauma" when I was in high school and then when I 20-21 and stopped lying to my therapist about certain events in my childhood she confirmed the diagnosis. I have nightmares, flashbacks, regular triggers. It became a real problem with my running so I had to stop running outside about 2 months ago.
I was near my GW about 2-3 years ago and I noticed I was getting triggered much more often, so I have some anxiety about that, but I've got some time before that becomes a real issue.0 -
Hi, I'm new to the group and thought I would introduce myself here. I was looking for a group that discusses PTSD and perhaps I should start a CPTSD thread.
I'm here because I have CPTSD or complex post traumatic stress disorder (from childhood multiple triggers only somewhat recently diagnosed) which is somewhat complicated by also having childhood onset acute hereditary asthma with multiple environmental triggers.
So asthma triggers can also be CPTSD triggers for me. I tend to panic if I get closed in a small space with someone with strong perfume on just as an example. The panic does not cause my asthma but it does make it worse when I'm already having asthma.
Add to that I have the ginger/redhead mutation that makes my pain receptors much more efficient than other people's so I literally feel pain more and have to have 20% more anesthetic at the dentist and such because of it. There's a wiki page all about it if you're curious. Also I've had to have a lot of dental work also over my life due to a calcium deficiency as a child.. that's likely why I'm so short.
When I lose my reserves and am in full CPTSD mode it makes me feel actually sick and weak/shaky. I try not to let people set me off because I can be a little dangerous. Like once a friend when mad grabbed me by the shirt and I had given her a black eye before I could stop to think about it. Also once right after 9-11 when I lived near DC, I was on edge and a storm rolled through that next night.. I don't remember how I got underneath the table, just that I suddenly was there. I hate that feeling of having no control, my body just goes off like a tightly coiled spring sometimes when I'm in that state. So I try to avoid it, but this tends to make people in my life say I limit myself too much.
When I think of my traumas and triggers, I know that considering all I've been through I'm actually amazingly functional. Sometimes people in my life don't understand and think I'm upset over nothing and such, it is hard. The CPTSD, the asthma, the increased pain receptivity are all invisible illnesses that people have a hard time understanding. If something doesn't scare them or make them wheeze it doesn't mean it won't potentially actually make me very sick. And if I'm saying OW over an injury they see as fairly minor, I can't explain to them that in my body it hurts 20% more than it would in theirs. I've gotten used to people just thinking I'm a wuss sometimes. At least I don't have the opposite problem some people have where they can not feel any pain and tend to injure themselves without knowing it.
So it's a struggle trying to find the balance day to day but at the end of the day I'm still glad to be me with all my quirks. I remind myself there are a lot worse things, I could have been deformed or diagnosed with brain cancer the way my mother (who was a real winner-not) was. Thinking about how it "could be worse" is oddly a thought that I find tends to comfort me.
Anyway thanks for letting me introduce myself.. I will be reading this thread with great interest.
Best wishes0 -
@NicoWoodruff: please feel free to start a thread if you wish.Hi, I'm new to the group and thought I would introduce myself here. I was looking for a group that discusses PTSD and perhaps I should start a CPTSD thread.
This is why I created the group, to allow people to discuss things.0 -
Thank you Thomasm198. and you didn't bore me at all. I like how you use music, I do that too at times. Oddly old funk and eighties alternative stuff that I loved as a teen takes me back to a happier time. I now find headphones helpful, especially the noise canceling type.
I understand the urge to take yourself out of the equation.. among other things when it really got bad I would sit in a very dark closet or loft, really any small dark space, and try to pretend I wasn't there and that I didn't exist. I also don't think I'll ever be purely free of it, but I'm learning how to say no to people so I can avoid my triggers, even when people are sure that the best thing for me is to push me out of my comfort zone.
So far though my 2 therapists and doctor both say they don't suggest medication. I've been trying some herbs and supplements instead. An herb called Kanna which seems to at least give me a few more reserves but it only lasts so long. And also a supplement called DHEA which helps you deal better with adrenalin in the body, I do believe it helps so I try to take it every day.
I think I will wait for now rather than create a new thread, really PTSD and CPTSD are not all that different. There's a lot of reasons, the multiple traumas, as far as why I have it.. but in a nutshell I can say abusive/absent mother at least to give you an idea. But as you said, those would be stories for some other day. Mine is also a long story, thank you so much for creating this place for people to talk about such things. The big difference with CPTSD is that it's complex because there is no one trauma to treat for, but a huge lifelong backlog of them.
Sometimes it feels like the adrenalin rush when I'm afraid is even stronger when I'm closer to my goal weight. I've wondered if some of my weight gain hasn't been padding against the adrenalin shakes. But I also find exercise and walking and swimming help calm me too.0 -
That was brave to share that. I still think there's a sort of wishy washy-ness about PTS/PTSD as if it's not a real diagnosis, which, of course, it is. So many people have similar stories and reactions. I'm glad you're finding ways to get it under control. Any mental illness can send us into a tailspin. We all have triggers. It's learning to get through them, learning to lean on other people, and learning to take ours meds, be consistent, and watch for those signs that tell us we've something out of kilter. My rapid cycling bipolar still takes me by surprise at times, but I'm learning to see myself and actions more clearly. It's a constant challenge. I know people who say they have much better success treating PTSD/PTS without pharmaceutical meds. But I can't talk about that here. ;P0
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Thanks for your kind words Hambone23.0
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