Seattle area? Pet loss. Grief Sucks!
ResilientWoman
Posts: 440 Member
This morning I am saying a final goodbye to my best friend.
On the way to this moment, I discovered another lesbian on Facebook, Kelli Dunham, who has been widowed twice before turning 45. I'll be 45 at the end of this month. We're both butches and she has a site on Facebook called 'Grief Sucks'. She advises folks in my space to learn how to ask for help. This is not my strong suit. I am very good at serving others, social justice issues and humanity in general - I suck at grief and asking for help.
Fourteen and a half years ago, a dog came into my life as a service animal to assist me in my disability issues. The docs gave me 3 months to live. She gave me a second chance. Now I have a normal life expectancy. She cared for me and I her for over a decade. She retired when age stole her ability to continue in the professional capacity she had loved and got to stay with my family, although those were some of the roughest years I've ever known. Because of her, I have an entirely different life, a daughter who just turned 6 at the end of September and hope for a healthy future.
Yesterday, a little after 9pm, with the help of a vet who came to our home, she died peacefully. I held her while she died. I covered her with a favorite blanket and put my daughter to bed.
I sat up with my dog's remains for awhile just trying to remember how to breathe. I fell asleep in my recliner just absorbing it all. After about a four hour nap, I got up to make healthy food for my daughter to take with her to school. I washed laundry that she needs for the inclement weather. Now it's morning. Later this afternoon, my daughter needs me to take her to school and I'll be away from home, on buses or waiting for her for about 6-8 hours.
I need to deal with her remains this morning before we leave. This is so hard. That life just goes on and won't wait for me to grieve a short while and catch up.
I live in an apartment and cannot bury her. I am getting her remains ready to put in cold storage (frozen) until I can afford to have her cremated. I never thought I'd outlive her. I was so ill years ago that I made retirement plans for her along with my own funeral arrangements. I didn't think I'd be here now.
I am here now. For this I am unspeakably grateful.
She is gone and I get to keep going forward. I know it will get easier in time and that I am strong enough to do this. This would be so much easier if I was back in Atlanta, GA where I first came out surrounded by folks who love her and me dearly or if I was still in Asheville, NC where she and I hiked the Craggy Mountain trail until I quit getting ready to die and got my life rebooted because it became clear that I was going to live. I wish I was currently connected to queer community the way I have been most of my queer life.
But at this instant, I am isolated from queer community. This is partly because of the choice I made to become a single mom (most lesbian moms here are in coupleships and don't hang out with singles - most single parents here are straight, although they are very supportive) and the loss last year of my queer church of 8 years when it disbanded due to the economy. My pastors don't even live in Seattle any longer.
As is true of many individuals with disabilities, survival has eaten up so much energy that I haven't had time to rebuild a new connection to queer community. For many of us who are disabled or gay, our animal companions have been our primary source of touch and unconditional love. I hadn't even thought about that until she was gone.
If any of our queer MFP friends, PFLAG friends or allies are here in Seattle, I need to start connecting to community here again. I need your help.
I am grateful that I have my daughter and that our cat is only 9 years old and will likely have several more years with us. I am grateful that I have the health my beloved furry friend worked *so* hard (although she thought it was play, she was very serious about it) to give me.
Just right now I could use someone to assist in defrosting the chest freezer and an extra set of hands to prepare her remains for freezing and eventual cremation. It would be so helpful if I had a ride to take my daughter to school so I didn't have to rush so much. I wish I had someone to have coffee or tea with me and some folk to bring dinners for a few days. I have both a pumpkin to stuff with sausage and veggies for baking in the oven and chicken paprika stew to make in the crock pot. It would make it so much easier if I had a friend to help to prep the veggies and make sure I don't burn everything due to the weight of the distraction of this awful grief. There are a few dishes that need washing and also, I could really use a hug.
As time moves forward what helps will change to a more social nature, someone to help get us out of the house to watch a movie or attend a seasonal event. Someone to help entertain my Kidling so that I can have a break once in awhile to deal with the grief. My friends who have been through this before say that I shouldn't expect to feel completely like myself for over a year (roughly a month for every year my canine companion and I were together).
I realize that this request may not find ears in Seattle but had to try. I will also be posting on other sites that make sense when I can figure that out.
Thanks
On the way to this moment, I discovered another lesbian on Facebook, Kelli Dunham, who has been widowed twice before turning 45. I'll be 45 at the end of this month. We're both butches and she has a site on Facebook called 'Grief Sucks'. She advises folks in my space to learn how to ask for help. This is not my strong suit. I am very good at serving others, social justice issues and humanity in general - I suck at grief and asking for help.
Fourteen and a half years ago, a dog came into my life as a service animal to assist me in my disability issues. The docs gave me 3 months to live. She gave me a second chance. Now I have a normal life expectancy. She cared for me and I her for over a decade. She retired when age stole her ability to continue in the professional capacity she had loved and got to stay with my family, although those were some of the roughest years I've ever known. Because of her, I have an entirely different life, a daughter who just turned 6 at the end of September and hope for a healthy future.
Yesterday, a little after 9pm, with the help of a vet who came to our home, she died peacefully. I held her while she died. I covered her with a favorite blanket and put my daughter to bed.
I sat up with my dog's remains for awhile just trying to remember how to breathe. I fell asleep in my recliner just absorbing it all. After about a four hour nap, I got up to make healthy food for my daughter to take with her to school. I washed laundry that she needs for the inclement weather. Now it's morning. Later this afternoon, my daughter needs me to take her to school and I'll be away from home, on buses or waiting for her for about 6-8 hours.
I need to deal with her remains this morning before we leave. This is so hard. That life just goes on and won't wait for me to grieve a short while and catch up.
I live in an apartment and cannot bury her. I am getting her remains ready to put in cold storage (frozen) until I can afford to have her cremated. I never thought I'd outlive her. I was so ill years ago that I made retirement plans for her along with my own funeral arrangements. I didn't think I'd be here now.
I am here now. For this I am unspeakably grateful.
She is gone and I get to keep going forward. I know it will get easier in time and that I am strong enough to do this. This would be so much easier if I was back in Atlanta, GA where I first came out surrounded by folks who love her and me dearly or if I was still in Asheville, NC where she and I hiked the Craggy Mountain trail until I quit getting ready to die and got my life rebooted because it became clear that I was going to live. I wish I was currently connected to queer community the way I have been most of my queer life.
But at this instant, I am isolated from queer community. This is partly because of the choice I made to become a single mom (most lesbian moms here are in coupleships and don't hang out with singles - most single parents here are straight, although they are very supportive) and the loss last year of my queer church of 8 years when it disbanded due to the economy. My pastors don't even live in Seattle any longer.
As is true of many individuals with disabilities, survival has eaten up so much energy that I haven't had time to rebuild a new connection to queer community. For many of us who are disabled or gay, our animal companions have been our primary source of touch and unconditional love. I hadn't even thought about that until she was gone.
If any of our queer MFP friends, PFLAG friends or allies are here in Seattle, I need to start connecting to community here again. I need your help.
I am grateful that I have my daughter and that our cat is only 9 years old and will likely have several more years with us. I am grateful that I have the health my beloved furry friend worked *so* hard (although she thought it was play, she was very serious about it) to give me.
Just right now I could use someone to assist in defrosting the chest freezer and an extra set of hands to prepare her remains for freezing and eventual cremation. It would be so helpful if I had a ride to take my daughter to school so I didn't have to rush so much. I wish I had someone to have coffee or tea with me and some folk to bring dinners for a few days. I have both a pumpkin to stuff with sausage and veggies for baking in the oven and chicken paprika stew to make in the crock pot. It would make it so much easier if I had a friend to help to prep the veggies and make sure I don't burn everything due to the weight of the distraction of this awful grief. There are a few dishes that need washing and also, I could really use a hug.
As time moves forward what helps will change to a more social nature, someone to help get us out of the house to watch a movie or attend a seasonal event. Someone to help entertain my Kidling so that I can have a break once in awhile to deal with the grief. My friends who have been through this before say that I shouldn't expect to feel completely like myself for over a year (roughly a month for every year my canine companion and I were together).
I realize that this request may not find ears in Seattle but had to try. I will also be posting on other sites that make sense when I can figure that out.
Thanks
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Replies
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I'm not in the Seattle area, but I wish I was. I've suffered the loss of two pets this past year, and it was so hard for me. With the relatiosnhip you had with your girl, I know it must be harder. Even though it's been months since they both passed away, I still forget and talk about them like they're around.
My heart aches for you, and I wish there was something I could do. Hang in there. I hope that you and your daughter can comfort each other through this difficult time, and that you find the local support you are looking for.
In any case, there's always your virtual community here to support you however we can.0 -
Thanks, Dreamhazer. It's nice to know that I am not alone.0
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I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
Is Olympia far from Seattle? I don't live there, but I have a very close friend (who is queer) who lived there for a while, so I could ask her for resources if that would help you.
Try to just take it minute by minute, and know that we are out here sending you support and condolences.
(((HUG)))
Amy0 -
I'm so sorry for your loss of your pet. I understand how much it means to love a dog. I have loved and lost several in my life. I miss them to this day. I live very far away, but wanted you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter.0
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I'm so, so sorry for your loss.
Is Olympia far from Seattle? I don't live there, but I have a very close friend (who is queer) who lived there for a while, so I could ask her for resources if that would help you.
Try to just take it minute by minute, and know that we are out here sending you support and condolences.
(((HUG)))
Amy
Olympia is our capital but too far due to my not having a car and being temporarily limited to bus and hike distance. Thanks for your kind offer of support. One of the local vets who is on MFP sent me some links. Right now, the help I need most is your friendship and permission to grieve.
I am having a fairly difficult time of it but am refraining from any choices that will make this unnecessarily worse for us.0 -
I'm so sorry for your loss of your pet. I understand how much it means to love a dog. I have loved and lost several in my life. I miss them to this day. I live very far away, but wanted you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter.
Thanks Nita0
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