Holidays

kt4ever

Starting to think about the holidays again. It's hard not to when everywhere you go there are Christmas Trees and Thanksgiving displays. My first Thanksgiving without Katie was horrible. All I could think about was the last Thanksgiving and how Katie was such a big part of it. It was her freshman year at Swarthmore College. She loved school and Swat was close enough (1 hr drive) that I could visit and attend all the college swim meets. She was filled with stories of all the friends shed made at college and how much she enjoyed the love of learning they all shared. She always helped in the kitchen and did the decorating.

There was no way I could even think about cooking a turkey or giving thanks for anything. I was very angry at god, if there even was a god. How could this happen? Where was her guardian angel? Her coach spoke at her funeral and said to all her friends, " If you are very lucky, you might meet someone like Katie just once in your lifetime" someone who reminded her of the story of Jonathan Livingston Seagull. Someone who achieved excellence with a determined pursuit of perfection. An athlete, a scholar, an artist, a musician, a kind a gentle spirit who always found the good in people .

That first Thanksgiving was spent at a co-workers house, my best friend insisted that we join her family for dinner. Subsequent thanksgivings have been spent at home with what is left of my family, but there is always an open seat for Katie..

kt4ever

How do you deal with the holidays? Don't feel much like celebrating . How is it possible to be truly happen about anything when your child is dead.sur we smile, we laugh...on the outside, but inside we are in pain. A part of us has died with our child. We are no longer whole. Our lives have changed forever.

fit443

I have had a different journey than you, so I'm not sure that I am qualified to give you advice. I will simply share a part of my story, and ways that I find helpful for me. I hope that's okay.

Two years ago, as of November 5, I lost my best friend to H1N1. On Friday she told me she wasn't feeling great so we cancelled a date, Tuesday she was hospitalized and Thursday morning she was dead. She left behind a husband and two little girls, 11 and 8. I will be honest - that first Christmas was a blur, but we went through with it because of the kids. Steve and the girls came to our house, and we went through the motions for their sakes.

This spring, I started looking at my grief differently. My friend was a go-getter, rather like your daughter. She lived life with intensity, and she would be kicking my butt for laying around using her as an excuse to "stall out" in my own life. I began to realize that the best way to honour her life and loss was to begin cherishing every moment again. It has become my job to live life for both of us.

The way kids grieve is so healthy - they have their moment, then they jump back into the present and enjoy what is right in front of them. If you talked to Katie, what would she tell you to do about holidays? Of course, there will be sad, but she would want you to find the joy in it, too. Decorate the house, bake and remember all the joys you experienced. Not every daughter/mother combination ever gets what you and Katie had - a warm, loving relationship. Cherish those memories, and continue to build them with the rest of your family. Do special things for each of them, to show them how very precious they are to you, How would Katie want you to invest your life now, a continuing gift that is longer than hers was?

I do believe in God, which I assume you don't, from your text earlier. My faith has been an essential part of my healing, but that's not of any help to you.

I heard someone say that the pain becomes a companion - a tool to sharpen the other joys, if you refuse to let it crush them. If katie were still alive, what would you be celebrating?

I know life has changed forever, but isn't that life? Every bend in the road brings change. Sorrows and joys are mingled, always.

I don't know...I don't mean to sound preachy. My husband's family lost their daughter to a hit and run outside their home. I'm not ignorant of the intensity, or the length of the pain. I'm just gently encouraging you to find the joy as well, for Katie's sake.

keep talking it out,

Sharon

shnazzy

i find christmas a nightmare it used to be my favourite time of the year but that all changed forever 3 years ago when my gorgeous eldest son died at the age of 22...........jan25 th 2008 the day my nightmare started and my life changed forever , christmas was his favourite day when he was a little boy and when he got older too....... the first christmas without him i couldnt put cards up or do anything luckily my other son was going to stay with his pal in america for 3 weeks on boxing day so all he wanted was money to spend because i couldnt find it in me to even think about presents ,next one still couldnt put decs or tree up but did put a few cards up . last year put a tree up and cards, but that all my hubby didnt even want to do that did it for my son really........this year dreading it again but not quite as much as other years sadly kind of getting used to it...........

kt4ever

This is our 9th Christmas without my beloved Katie. Still haven't put up a tree. I bought a tiny tree and put it on her grave each year. No cards, nothing to celebrate. I send my nephew, 32, a check and my living daughter gets a gift of her choosing. I guess if I had grandchildren I might feel differently. The Compassionate Friends local chapter has a world wide candle lighting service honoring our beloved children on Dec. 11. I will go to that.

AngieTheArtist

This is exactly how I feel. I am not the same person.

AngieTheArtist

"...Pain becomes a companion, a tool to sharpen the other joys."

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so real it hurts