Having a hard time....

Seokie

I've been very good. I have struggled with binging/purging for a very long time now and I haven't for at least since 6 months. But Thanksgiving...just the pressure and stress I felt with all of my family over for Thanksgiving put me over. I didn't binge-

I ate a normal amount but when everyone left, I finished cleaning up, but I couldn't sleep. I had to go and purge and now as guilty as I felt for that I felt like I could go to sleep.

The person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with passed away June of 2010 and a few of my cousins recently get engaged...something about all pf this pushed me over. I feel quite disgusted with myself for giving in when I've been so good...

Has anyone else gone through this? And how did you get over it?

I thought thursday would be a one off but then it happened again yesterday and its extremely hard to keep food down now. It feels like the last six months were for nothing...

PinkAndSparkle

Me too. The holidays can be really stressful for me. Knowing about all the food makes me crazy.
I didn't purge on Thanksgiving...but I did the night before. I hadn't in like...months, so it made me feel terrible...plus I binged on Thanksgiving anyway.
It sucks, but just keep moving forward. One purge in a few months isn't so terrible, just don't make it a habit.

Seokie

It was just those 2 days- now its just as hard as 6 months ago to stop and sometime I feel like I'm drowning with thought of calories and nutrition!

cowlover22

Well I lost my wife 2 years ago. Unexpectedly and my ed became very bad. Still trying to get over it. Hospitalized many time. Do you see a therapist? It is really hard and dont know if it gets easier or if you just learn to cope better. We toghther 15 years. Widowed at 39 WTF???So sorry for your loss...

Seokie

I'm sorry for you loss. I hope with time it does get better but I had another relapse again today... This is now 3 times in the past week after months of being good. I thought it was once slip and now its getting harder rather than easier.

JerseyGirlHeart

I have been binging and purging on and off since I was eight years old. Yes eight. At first it wasn't because I thought I was fat at eight years old, but because I felt the need to eat more and more food. When I was in high school, I played sports year round, and I was also a dancer, so the pressure to be thin was always there. As much as I love and respect my father today, it was not easing growing up because he would tell me I was a little too heavy. My father was a body builder and always was in shape. I was always a lot bigger than a lot of girls as well, big hips, muscular thighs, and being 5'9''. My 'episodes" were always on and off, some weeks would be everyday, sometimes it would be every month, but I noticed I was losing any weight, I was just maintaining the weight I had, so I thought this was ok, right? No, just because I wasn't shrinking to a unhealthy weight, didn't mean the throwing up was ok. It is a very very selfish disease because you are purging food that money was spent on by either yourself, your parents, etc etc. I went to counseling and it helped a little, but usual my sessions were not for my eating disorder....When my parents found out what I was doing, it was embarrassing, but they never did anything to help. I was alone, and I hid this from everyone for a very long time. My ex husband never knew and my boyfriend even now has no idea I still do this, to this very day. I would say MFP is a blessing but also has its evils. You constantly want to track all the calories, and now how much you burn. At this point in my life I have decided to stop binging and control my life, by simply eating less food in the long run. Now its at the point were people are considering my calorie in take and output to be on the anorexic side, so now i am at the point where I just can't win. Honestly I am not looking at perfection or to be a size zero. I am looking at health and well being. My body for so long got used to throwing up, and I didn't even make my self throw up for my body to reject food. For so long i thought I had something seriously wrong with me, I had blood work, endoscopy, MRI, CT, X-Rays, Ultrasounds, and doctors visits, and everything has been negative. At this point I feel like if I treat my body right, it will treat me right. I will continue to grow and get stronger, and I want to help people through their troubles as well and receive support for myself as well.

cowlover22

I'm sorry for you loss. I hope with time it does get better but I had another relapse again today... This is now 3 times in the past week after months of being good. I thought it was once slip and now its getting harder rather than easier.

so do you have a plan in place for the next time you feel like doing it. better to be pro active than to wait until it happens. also is there anyone you can talk to..hate to see you go down that slippery slope. also becareful of labels..good and bad. maybe 3 months of being healthy. bad has a negative tone to it and dont need to put your self down..3 months of ed free behaviors is great..try to come up with a plan if you can..thanks for your concern re: my loss. not looking forward to the holidays but trying to come up with my own plan of how i am going to make it through. sorry for any typos but my cat is insisting i pet him as i type lol

Seokie

I have been binging and purging on and off since I was eight years old. Yes eight. At first it wasn't because I thought I was fat at eight years old, but because I felt the need to eat more and more food. When I was in high school, I played sports year round, and I was also a dancer, so the pressure to be thin was always there. As much as I love and respect my father today, it was not easing growing up because he would tell me I was a little too heavy. My father was a body builder and always was in shape. I was always a lot bigger than a lot of girls as well, big hips, muscular thighs, and being 5'9''. My 'episodes" were always on and off, some weeks would be everyday, sometimes it would be every month, but I noticed I was losing any weight, I was just maintaining the weight I had, so I thought this was ok, right? No, just because I wasn't shrinking to a unhealthy weight, didn't mean the throwing up was ok. It is a very very selfish disease because you are purging food that money was spent on by either yourself, your parents, etc etc. I went to counseling and it helped a little, but usual my sessions were not for my eating disorder....When my parents found out what I was doing, it was embarrassing, but they never did anything to help. I was alone, and I hid this from everyone for a very long time. My ex husband never knew and my boyfriend even now has no idea I still do this, to this very day. I would say MFP is a blessing but also has its evils. You constantly want to track all the calories, and now how much you burn. At this point in my life I have decided to stop binging and control my life, by simply eating less food in the long run. Now its at the point were people are considering my calorie in take and output to be on the anorexic side, so now i am at the point where I just can't win. Honestly I am not looking at perfection or to be a size zero. I am looking at health and well being. My body for so long got used to throwing up, and I didn't even make my self throw up for my body to reject food. For so long i thought I had something seriously wrong with me, I had blood work, endoscopy, MRI, CT, X-Rays, Ultrasounds, and doctors visits, and everything has been negative. At this point I feel like if I treat my body right, it will treat me right. I will continue to grow and get stronger, and I want to help people through their troubles as well and receive support for myself as well.

I feel the same way about MFP sometimes - just very overwhelming when it comes to food information sometimes, especially when I start seeing how .5 g of pepper in my egg whites is X but I'm really hungry so would .8 g be that bad, etc, etc, etc...

As for keeping food down, right now I know that the stress I have in my life is my trigger but I can't do anything about that at the moment, and its where I don't actually binge so much as I just don't want to keep food down sometimes. I'm finding that eating more fruit helps, I think because its kind of acidic I find I don't want to get rid of it because it will be very uncomfortable.

I hope you keep getting stronger and I hope I'll be growing with you.

Seokie

I'm sorry for you loss. I hope with time it does get better but I had another relapse again today... This is now 3 times in the past week after months of being good. I thought it was once slip and now its getting harder rather than easier.

so do you have a plan in place for the next time you feel like doing it. better to be pro active than to wait until it happens. also is there anyone you can talk to..hate to see you go down that slippery slope. also becareful of labels..good and bad. maybe 3 months of being healthy. bad has a negative tone to it and dont need to put your self down..3 months of ed free behaviors is great..try to come up with a plan if you can..thanks for your concern re: my loss. not looking forward to the holidays but trying to come up with my own plan of how i am going to make it through. sorry for any typos but my cat is insisting i pet him as i type lol

The holidays are hard Personally, my coping mechanism is I just try not to think about my loss - but that just keeps backfiring since when I do think about it, I feel like someone just hit me with a bag of bricks...but there's a lot going on and I can only handle so much stress at a time. I wish you luck this holiday season.

As for a plan in being proactive, I'm just trying to identify little things that help. I very seldom binge before I would purge - I'm just avoiding 'trigger' foods (I found that having one piece of pizza is enough to make me want to purge - so I avoid that now)... I told one of my close friends but it went less than well... She just doesn't understand and I don't blame her for that - its a hard concept to wrap your head around if you're not in that situation.

I'm hoping that after this december I will feel like I have more control in my life (this is my last year at college - bs in Chem with minor in Bio and I want to go to pharmacy school and applications are due) - after this semester is over, there's really not much more I can do for my future until I hear from schools and the out of control feeling is definitely a trigger for me.